WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR APRIL 2016

Reflections on Anger at our Impossible Mothers Chapter.

My relationship with my mom is different than the example the author used. Where I can relate were the times I tried to stand up for myself without my mother becoming defensive or laying on the guilt. Reading this woman's struggle helped me to put mine in perspective.

I too tried to change my mother's thoughts and feelings on the matter and ended up frustrated and upset. The real issues hid behind this anger.

Venting can be a signal that I am stuck and often times only gives temporary relief. For me I sometimes even feel worse after a vent because it intensifies the wounds.

Positive changes started happening for the woman in the story when she started to clarify and stood firm in what she wanted without blaming or becoming defensive.

I like what she said about independence. "We clearly define what our own selves want on important emotional issues without distancing ourselves emotionally."

"Hit and run confrontation does not help us move towards independence."

The woman's relationships became healthier because she was able to share her needs in a non blaming way and did not distance herself emotionally. She really did the work, and it took time and patience.

When you are in the heat of the conflict it is okay to step back like Lenora said because speaking with clarity and not falling into defensiveness and blaming is very difficult.

I am still trying to digest this chapter. It brought out to me my family's patterns of dealing with conflict did not come from a place of clarity. Without this base I know when I was younger I felt like a ship without a rudder and a compass. I am finding that rudder and compass as an adult to steer me towards a healthier me and healthier relationships.

Margaret

Noreen - sorry to hear about your bodily restrictions. Your environment sounds lovely. We were thinking of a holiday in Florida sometime. My DH loves nature, especially birds. We had thought about the Sarasota area. Do you have any suggestions?

Heather UK

morning my peeps -

annr - good luck with whatever your family and your son decide. parmesan cheese and cheese bread is over rated anyway.

calefor- glad you cleared that up, i was thinking the other PCP :0). The dreaded planks are awesome for core, make sure you do them right. leg kicks are another. laying on your back, raising your legs a bit off the floor and criss crossing them.. there are tons for core.

grandmallie- :0)

kjlamore - me a hero??? awww shucks mam...:::: as my head is down, hands clasped behind my back, kicking the carpet since there is no dirt here::::

grammyx23 - that must be tuff, i'm sorry... look on the bright side, another opportunity for burning calories while you look at, pick up and move stuff.

well... my bike sold in less than 24 hours. she picked it up yesterday evening. we had a package that we bought for the bike that was free tune-ups (average 60-70 bucks not including any parts that you may need for it) for the life of the bike while you own it. she lives 4 houses down from me. I offered her a deal she couldn't refuse (or would have been dumb to). every time she needs a tune up, I will take it in so she gets advantage of my discount package (it package doesn't transfer to the new owner), so she pd me full price $225.00. I had 4 people interested within minutes of posting it. I'm glad it went to someone I know. she knows how I take care of my bike so she had no doubt she was getting something reliable. they know I have a scooter w/a side car and she told me to let her know when I am ready to sell that too.

later peeps

Sioux in Tulsa my brother hoarded in my mother's house. When the realtor came in she said she would put it on the market for 250,000. My brother who was the hoarder was livid. My other brother with his wife hired College Hunks and cleared it for $5000 dollars. Then then put in about $20,000 from my mom's savings in repairs and staged it. The house sold for $320000. Fortunately it was also in a very desirable location. When they cleared the home they did hold onto some things to stage it. My mom had all kinds of cat collectibles that she and others gave her over the years. They saved some of these and used them to give the home some cheer. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to see my childhood home given that new life. ((Hugs)) Dealing with a hoarded home is never easy especially when it is your mother's. (((Hugs))) again.

Margaret

Sioux - Congratulations on your success with the weight loss so far! Bet your friend's announcement in the church newsletter really gave you a boost in motivation to make it happen! Also, you mentioned that you are Lutheran and it reminded me that the Lutheran church in our small farming town is advertising something called "Polka Worship Service." I am not a church-going woman, but I'm so intrigued I may have to check it out!

Penny - Your husband's photos are so beautiful! I would dearly love to see the Northern Lights. One year when we lived in the mountains of New Mexico, some fluke of weather made them visible there but I was never looking at the right time. I had high hopes for our Norway visit but we didn't see them there either.

Anna - Best wishes with your house search! It is a pain in the behind, but house hunting can be fun and it's very fulfilling to have your own place and know you can do whatever you want with it.


Shirley Webb is my inspiration this morning - she got tired of not being able to get out of her chair so she decided to change her life. Now at age 78, she can deadlift 225 pounds. Go, Shirley! The link to the story is here: http://60abc.com/grandma-aged-78-couldnt-get-out-of-chair-now-she-deadlifts-225lb-weights-in-the-gym/

I came home Saturday with a bucket of loquats from a friend's house and spent several hours last night after work seeding and peeling them. Now my hands smell funny and I'm heartily sick of loquats, but it'll all be worthwhile when I have jars of pickled loquats, chutney, and jam.

My husband and I have been enjoying refrigerator oatmeal lately - I put them in small canning jars so it makes a perfect grab-and-go breakfast for him. I hadn't realized until recently that you can do it with steel-cut oats! I have fun coming up with new flavors and add-ins. (Today's breakfast was chocolate banana oats with chia seeds for a little extra protein.)

Happy Tuesday to all!

-Yvonne in TX

Yvonne, thanks for sharing. That is a very inspirational story.

Sioux, I must have missed the story about your friend announcing in the church newsletter that you two were going to lose weight until Yvonne mentioned it. I'm not sure how I would feel about that. Sort of remotely similar, I've been meaning to tell you a story about the local TOPS group, because I know some go to TOPS. I wanted to ask y'all if you would like this or not. They post on Facebook congratulations to the biggest loser and congratulate others who have losses. They mention if folks are sick and even call the names of the ones who missed (tagging them on Facebook) and saying that they hope to see them next week. It's not a private group, apparently, because I see the posts when people are tagged that are my friends. I would not like my weight loss progress mentioned on Facebook, personally. I mean, it's kind of obvious that I could stand to lose a few pounds and that I have lost some weight (down 50 from my heaviest), but still. I don't know. I prefer to keep it to those close girl friends that I think really care. My before and in-progress picture that I posted on here, for example. I wouldn't want that on Facebook, but I did text it to my daughter, my sister, and my cousin, because they are interested in my progress and celebrate with me. But I don't want former co-workers, my fellow lay servant friends, people like that seeing pictures of me in my workout pants. Am I weird? Would you like this because it held you accountable or would you think they were violating your privacy?

Another similar story, one of my bridge lady friends was having leg cramps and she told a church friend about it when the friend asked her how she was doing. She was mortified when her name appeared in the church bulletin on the prayer list with leg cramps in parentheses beside her name amidst all the people with serious illnesses like cancer. She says now, when people from church ask her how she's doing, she says, "fine, just fine."

We did total body again today, six exercises, some with Dumbbells and some with kettle bells. I can't begin to know all their names. They all began with a leg movement followed by an arm. One I do know was squat to chest fly. We did 2 sets of 15 and one set of 10. I walked 3 miles with Dave at 5:30 a.m., did 0.8 miles on the elliptical and another 2 miles with him when I got home.

I tried to be a good girl and log on here and read before midnight like last night. I will be glad when this Bed and Breakfast job is done. They come in the evening, sit down and have supper, on alternate nights each girl is supposed to load the dishwasher. I don't even like my husband to load it. I load it a certain organized way and I like it. No for Thanksgiving, the men clean up and load the dishwasher. They get about half of the dishes and pots and pans loaded. So I do appreciate it as it means I can rest. But after a big meal a 9 year old kid does not know how to properly load it. So she and I loaded it together. She handed them to me and I loaded. But today I will have to nload it again, fix supper and then the older girl will fill it. I trust a girl going in 15 a little more. I have no idea what our family room looks like. Then the whole idea of clothes. I was going to offer my washing machine since they are going to his parents house tomorrow. Ellie came wearing this real short dress without leggings on Saturday morning. She wore it all day long then wore it to bed that night. She wore it again today. No washing, I did get her to brush her hair.

OK, off my high horse. Need to go to Walgreens. AARP gives a 15% discount today. Either that or it is just Walgreens that offers it. May pick up things to make a banana pudding.

Joyce, Indiana

Hi gals,

Alison - I cheered from my desk as I read your post – he can cook his burger, and no discussion he can just feed the dogs from now on…. You GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noreen – welcome – I’m guessing that – hoping that- the dogs and cats are the only critters let inside… no alligators I hope!!!!

Sioux – perfect post – I am so thankful when I see a post about a hoarder that my mom is not one. So glad you have a plan and help… it will get done. One thought since you’ll be stuck there 2 days a week is to pack a picnic lunch…

Katiebug – I’m with Miriam – Nope!


Kim from N. California

guess it wouldn't bother me if my before pics and after pics and my weight loss was posted on fb or not or how much I loss, etc... it's a personal choice, I would respect someone's decision IF THEY TOLD ME they wouldn't rather I told anyone. I personally applaud people on fb once it's on there, I admire them for having them do something for themselves.
I would also always ask first, I wouldn't want them embarrassed but I would be yelling at the top of the highest building.

Have been sick all day. So no gym today. Don't think they would appreciate vomit on their treadmills. Hopefully it will be better and I can go tomorrow. I do better when I am on a schedule and stay consistent with working out.

Anne from WI

Peach1948 wrote: »

Sylvia ~ So sorry for your health problems and wishing you a complete recovery.

Noreen ~ I had to look on a map to find Quincy, Fl. Very close to Tampa I see. Sounds like you are surrounded by wild life.

Miriam ~ Sounds like your DH was a total loser/abuser. Glad you are no longer in that situation.

Held my plank for another minute yesterday and am doing (a very few) floor exercises that seem to address the abs. Found this on You Tube. Looked up exercises for the torso.

Carol

Wow, thanks for literally looking me up! I am about an hour outside our lovely state capital, Tallahassee.

Thanks to everyone for helping me be excited about my clean oncology check up!

Kim – I LOVE the purple chair!!!

Penny – So cute that your grandchildren offered to share!!

Sylvia – Oh no!! (((((hugs)))))

See! I was making notes. Then I stopped. I got absorbed in reading and forgot.

I missed reading over the weekend so the few comments I made are for older posts.

A quick update on me:

My vision got "dim" yesterday so I had to make an emergency trip to the eye doctor this morning. After much brew-haha about insurance stuff, the doctor finally told me I was okay to wait until Thursday for the scheduled procedure. I had been told to come in ready for surgery (nothing to eat or drink, no makeup, no nail polish, etc.) so I went straight home to eat and get re-dressed. Then I went to the dentist to see why my tooth had suddenly begun hurting. (Are you hearing the silent screams here?) He's hoping that it's just a filling that needs to be replaced so that will be done next week. Everything is crossed that that takes care of it! I am ready for this series of medical adventures to be finished!

I told y'all a few weeks ago that the guy I was seeing and I had chosen to become exclusive. Well, he fell off the face of the earth after that. I finally texted him and asked for an explanation and all I got was that he'd been spending a lot of time with his daughter **insert eye roll** (he did say nothing was wrong with her). I'm baffled! And, they say women are hard to understand! So, I had pretty much decided to discontinue my adventures in dating when the guy I was seeing last Fall called again. I'm still not "seeing" him but, after talking to him, I realized I had missed him. He had partial knee replacement surgery this morning so I will check in on him as he recovers. I'm not going to jump from one guy to the other, but knowing that he shied away because he felt so strongly for me makes HIS "desertion" much more palatable. He is still very definitely interested. We'll see.

I mentioned that I was having an issue at work. Well, I've still not turned in my response but the Treasurer just came by and told me that he had told them all where to shove it for allowing one woman to dictate my job description. No one else has mentioned it to me so I don't know what's going on. I'm just staying low and doing my job...

Churches and branding - It's a common term used within leaders of churches. I've been involved in some way or the other with most all denominations except Catholicism. I work for a United Church of Christ congregation in the mornings (very liberal) and a Southern Baptist congregation in the afternoons (very conservative). I grew up Free Will Baptist (very fundamentalist) and ran as fast as I could away from it. Now, I'm Methodist. I definitely don't agree with all things Methodist but, around here, it's the best fit I can find.

I'm going to go home now. I have a sick son at my house so I hope he stays in his area and doesn't spread any potential germs into mine.

Carol in NC

Michelle – I feel for you. I get things in my eyes and it feels like it is scratching my eyeball to shreds! Sometimes I will get in my tub; and, let the water coming out of the faucet really slow and hold the eye open. I figure if it is an eyelash, or speck of dust, or fuzz … maybe it will wash it out. But, one thing to remember is to ‘try’ not to rub it … it might be feeling that way because it has already scratched the eyeball and fallen out all ready. If you wear makeup (or mascara for sure) make sure you take it off with a good cleaner every night. Somewhere around her I have a Rx for a tube of this ‘gunky; stuff that I put in my eye that is irritated in order for that pain goes away (usually by the next day). Rx’d by eye MD.
I took my ‘good clothes’ to the local consignment shop and hopefully will make a few $$$. They have a very good selection of gently used (and sometimes new ones with the tags still on them. I think they now a new customer. I have not had a chance to really look thought the clothes yet uninterrupted.

Miriam – I grew up in a small town; but only about 25 miles away from a city. Had a lot of fun growing up in the early 50’s to late 60’s; but, could not WAIT to go to Atlanta to ‘art school’. Met a lot of nice people, just a bit ‘crazy’’. Met DH, got transferred to Jacksonville, would go to the beach every weekend with our upstairs neighbors; they moved, we moved and then my MnL became my BF. We loved doing just about anything together; then we got transferred to Albany, GA. Had a bad time when we first moved there. Lived in a nice neighborhood, had friends in neighborhood, at church, and clubs. Got transferred to Macon, with a baby on the way, got involved in Catholic Church there and converted from a Southern Baptist. DH grew up as a Catholic and did not want to go anywhere else. Move back to Albany 2 years later, then company laid him off. I don’t understand why they just did not leave us Macon; we had made friends and it was also much closer to my parents. Made absolutely no sense. Children went to parochial school, most of my friends were mothers of their friends. Went to work full-time and my co-workers were friends. Became disabled (not physically) and moved to a small town about 25 miles northwest of Albany. As for making friends here … been hard to break in the cliquish groups. Still had friends in Albany; but, like Thomas Wolfe said, ‘you can never go back home’ … had nothing in common with most of them. So I met my friends through work and belonging to the Legal Secretaries group. Still not actively friends with but a handful of women. I guess that is why I want to get back to going to Mass and becoming active in church again. Even though I know it will be ‘me’ making the biggest effort to make friends. But, I’m like a ‘bull in a china shop’ and will gravitate to the club that I meet with the least resistance. Oh, and I have gone to an ‘art class’ and met a lot of nice ladies and became really good friends with 2 of them. One died last month and I am going to miss her.

A lot of women who have been abused during their marriage think of ways they'd like to do to ‘permanently’ get out of the situation; but, many are much more afraid of striking out on their own; because women don’t normally fare as well being independent – especially if the man does not want her to leave (as his punching bag) and she has been a stay-at-home, marginally educated, with several children. Most hide their scars, (physically or mentally) and their spirit gets crushed, so they ‘stay’ in the situation – hoping that his promised will actually change. She might get a job; but having to pay for an apartment, daycare, food, clothes, and things that we all use on a daily basis – if he doesn’t pay her ‘child support’ she isn’t going to even have the necessities in life. Usually, she and children are terrified of him and what he is capable of doing to them. Also, unfortunately he’s maybe done things to his children that are ‘unforgiveable’ … molestation, rape, making children go ‘hide’ in the woods, when he comes looking for them with a loaded rifle. That sounds extreme – but know about it first-hand. Getting her into a ‘women’s shelter’ that’s location had been hidden; he follows one of his kids home (back to the shelter) in the car and the person at the ‘shelter’ was driving. She had to leave the shelter for the sake of the others. They arranged to put her in a different town; and, then got caught calling him and telling him where she was. Oldest son just got arrested for ‘thief’ (and why he’ do it since he had a thriving business – which will go to others), next youngest son was arrested when he shot two of her ‘former’ girlfriend.



Grammyx23 – If you are using a laptop’s touchpad, you are probably hitting it with the first joint of your thumb, or rubbing one of your palms across it. One way that a lot of do, in order to keep up with posts is to open up a side-by-side (2nd window) using your ‘word processing program’. Then minimize both of them. You’ll be able to see the post and then you can type your comment into your W.P. program. By the way, if you are posting in the box on a certain page; you cannot go back a page, unless you save the post first. Then in the upper right hand corner is a gear and you’d need to click on it and it will drop down a screen and hit that. I’ll give you an hour to change anything you want to in that post. I’m not saying that you can’t post to a previous way; just that you have to save it to do so. I’m sure my instructions are very confusing … I’m a ‘visual’ person and an artist and I can’t tell you how to make it easier. It just is if you can open up a second page (or blank page in your WP program and go back-and-forth between them. I am making an ‘assumption’ and I know how that goes. I’m sure that anybody who posts long posts to several people can tell you an easier version. It took me a week to catch on. Having not really understanding what I was being told. Then you could highlight the typing in the WP program into the last box to post (and make sure you are on the ‘last’ page; because between typing your responses … there are others also typing post. Usually, it will only take you back to your last post; and, sometimes if I feel like it I will go back later and read the few that I’ve missed. If I have lost contact with MFP; I usually start at the most recent. Down on the lower right-hand corner, you will see what page # you are on. Hope I have not made this totally ‘convoluted’.

Margaret – Getting the entire story helps sooths the entire situation.

Heather – Mr. Tuxter-Muxter brings all his killings to our back door and usually graces with us right at the door; might be feathers off a bird, the tail of something; once brought us the ‘ears’ off a bunny. He sleeps most of the day; and, goes prowling in the early morning; late afternoon. I guess he just proving he’s doing his job as an outside cat.

I walked (approximately) 4,265 steps and it took me 45 minutes with Cracker! Whew! I’m melting!!!!! How do you ladies do 10,000 steps a day? Used my ‘primitive pedometer’ … 4 steps per putting down the walking stick and walking past it. Cracker has passed out on the floor. More under the fan than her bed is; has to be cooler! Lost 2.5 more lbs.; now I am at 159lbs. The ‘end’ is getting closer …

Lenora

Call me crazy but I love to see other people happy and succeeding .

Good Evening Ladies,

Anne, glad the shower was a success and you enjoyed your cupcake.

Katla, what a “Score” at your riding lesson. So happy for you!!

Beth, congrats to your son and to you, Mom. Glad the audition went well.

MicheleNC, you are right about the salt keeping the glass from sticking. A small hole would let the water leak through to the table. I drink constantly and thus, get lots of exercise to, from and in the bathroom. Lol

Larisa, please never take offense at anything we say on here. Sometimes some of us just like to get on a soapbox weather it’s called for or not. We’re just women gabbing but totally support everyone here.

Kim, that was funny and I think we all know how she felt. Lol

Bibia, welcome. You are so right about the hard, unfun changes often being worth it. Keep up the great work and I hope your hubby heals quickly.

Nb1959, do you have a name we can use for you?

Kalli, keep up the good work!!! You are doing great wogging.

Penny, I love your story about the neighbor girl wanting to play!! It almost made me tear up. Did she come in to give you a hug???

Sylvia, so sorry to hear about your health problems!!! Can they not figure out what’s causing the colon problems and do something about it? Glad the stroke was small. I’ll bet all that scares the grands. Please take care of yourself. I love you and hate to see you sick. Sending tons of healing thoughts your way.

Miriam, I’m having to really skim the posts since I’ve gotten so far behind, but glad I read yours about why you have been lurking. It is one thing to “discuss religion” and another thing to talk about an experience at a church. I certainly want anyone to feel safe in this forum to talk about their personal experiences. I do hope you know that most of us feel that way and want you posting any time you have something to say. ((((Hugs)))) In fact, as far as discussing religion, I am always interested to hear other’s beliefs and views if they are sharing and not preaching. As far as saying anything negative about anyone’s religion, that just doesn’t belong here. I hope no one in here is offended when some of us say we are sending prayers, just like I’m not offended to know some here don’t pray and some don’t believe. That is their choice.

Chris, so sorry to hear of all your family problems. Glad they found the DGD’s problem and can hopefully treat it. Sending best wishes to you and your mom. I know that is hard.

Sioux, welcome. Yes this thing works and it’s easier with the support of these great ladies. Come often.

Penny, always love the pictures of the Northern Lights. Just amazing.

Heather, here I am again asking questions. Lol What is a midge???

to any Newbies that I missed. Come often and join in the chat. This thing works!! Please sign your post with what you want to be called. It makes it easier for us to respond to you. Also a location is great, be it specific or general. We are happy to have you join us.

I gave up on trying to catch up and just skipped a few pages. I hate that because I love to read all the posts. I didn’t have line dancing today but will have it Thursday morning. At the Moose meeting last night I was good and didn’t eat any of the yummy desserts. Got the door that we need to have installed so will call the Handy Man to schedule his return. I’m sending good thoughts to all of you, hugs to those that want/need them, congrats to those with victories and hope I’ll get more time to keep up with all of my friends here.
Sending good thoughts for all of you and wishing you each a healthy and happy day.
Words I live by:
Savor. I have to slow down and savor every bite.
and
Opportunity. Each day offers new opportunities for good health and happiness if we just look for them and choose them.
I Love you,
DJ
Myrtle Beach, SC