Unhelpful comments
Replies
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I'd say it's partly because he's a doctor. Doctors tend to be a "different" sort of personality - like superior and smug sometimes. And sometimes their bedside manner sucks, quite frankly.
I get that he's trying to be "helpful" (in his own mind, anyway) but comments like that aren't.
It might help, when he makes one of these "helpful" comments, to just stare at him for like 60 seconds. Then firmly state that you have already discussed this. His comments are not welcome and not funny.0 -
Well, your situation is complicated by the fact that you depend on him financially. You don't want to further hurt your relationship with him, and you already made your point clear to him. So when he brings it up again, just politely and calmly excuse yourself from the conversation. More than likely he will stop after a while. If he doesn't, you still don't have to stay and hear it.
Many people say hurtful and destructive things out of genuine concern. You have to learn how to set up boundaries that allow you to maintain relationships with these people provided they aren't abusive. Hopefully practicing with your father will help you be direct and mature with other relationships in your life.0 -
sparklydragons wrote: »He knows that saying these things hurt me and actually discourage me. I've asked him to stop but he insists that he's not doing anything wrong.
I am having a hard time reconciling these 2 sentences. You need to keep telling him that it is hurtful, because it's obviously not sinking in. Tell him to either encourage you in a positive way or don't mention it at all. Don't end a family relationship over this.
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well, as a father, sometimes it is just tough love. It may not be the most effective way to communicate our feelings but believe me, there is love and concern behind those comments.0
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NesCastanon wrote: »well, as a father, sometimes it is just tough love. It may not be the most effective way to communicate our feelings but believe me, there is love and concern behind those comments.
I was just thinking along these lines. Even though he is a doctor, he sucks at communicating, and just as OP needs to learn how to communicate her displeasure at his complete lack of tact, HE also needs to learn that you don't communicate "concern" through insults, as that is both insensitive and juvenile.0 -
His attitude sucks!! I had a gran who used to put me down at any given opportunity about my weight! I wouldn't dream of speaking to my children like that and if my dad or inlaws spoke to my kids in the style that my gran spoke to me, it would be war! You guys are all very forgiving but that degree of disrespect is disgusting. Family's can be over rated! As they say, ' you can choose your friends' !!0
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OP having read all the replies I think the key question is, do YOU want to lose weight my dear? I am guessing you do as you are on this forum?
Put your dad and his views aside, what do YOU want?
If YOU want to lose weight you are in the right place, the support here is amazing, but you are in control of yourself and if you want to lose some you really can do it. If you are not ready then that's fine too.
If you do want to lose, just enter you're goals, log as many normal days food as you like to see how you feel and if you're not ready that's fine, give it a go if you can, perhaps make a few changes to your diet and see what happens. Be brave and log whatever you eat (even if it's 'way over') and just see how you feel about it.
That's how I started and it was the quickest learning experience ever! I don't see myself as on a diet, still eat pizza etc not as much as I would have liked but it tastes so much better now as I savour it.
Do you feel if you lose then you're giving in to you're dads views? If that's the case then if you do lose I promise you'll find a new found self confidence and will be able to tell him that you lost for YOU and not him!
Good luck my dear you'll be fine (smiley face: thumbs up)
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Let me get the facts straight. Your father is a doctor. Your mother is dead. You are going to the university--all paid for by your father. When you come home from the university he makes a comment saying you need to move more and this is insulting to you. I read your profile that says you've always been fat as a kid, and you hate it. Now you're 18. All correct? As a parent, I'll tell you what I think. First of all your father lost his wife and probably doesn't want to lose you too. He's trying to nuge you in the right direction, but you (literally) aren't budging. How about responding "Sure dad, I was getting tired of sitting--lets go for a long walk together". If you really want to change your life, as you say in your profile, then get to it. Stick close to your father, and build a relationship since it's only the two of you. Get smart before it's too late.0
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sparklydragons wrote: »Hey guys, just to clear some things up here, I'm not 'playing the victim'. How would you feel if your only parent kept on and on every single day for the past 5 years about how much you need to change who you are and what you look like? I understand that he does mean well in what he's saying, but even though I've talked to him about it he still doesn't understand that what he's saying hurts. I don't know whether it's because he's a doctor so he's quite clinical in the way he tries to say things, but it doesn't make sense to me why he still has the same attitude to it when he knows that it hurts me and isn't helping in the slightest.JeromeBarry1 wrote: »You're 18. Why the hell are you still living with the old man? I mean that in all helpfulness, having observed that the ambitious young find success when they try and that the unambitious young neither try nor find.
I still live with him because I can't afford to live on my own... I don't have a student loan to support me at university - my dad saved up from when I was young and used some of the inheritance that my mother left so that I could graduate debt-free. I'm studying quite a demanding degree that takes up 80% of my time so I can't find a job that would support the hours that I'm available. It's nothing to do with being unambitious as I believe that I am an extremely ambitious person. I also suffer from severe anxiety and get extremely upset at the prospect of cutting anyone out of my life, no matter how toxic they are.
Your dad can't take care of everything. At some point you're going to need to learn to take care of yourself. I'm guessing that's what he's worried about. You're 18, he's still providing for you and giving you one of the biggest gifts a parent could give a child (a debt-free education). Pay him back by taking care of yourself and pushing yourself to succeed.0 -
I'm sure he means well, but it is obviously effecting you psychologically and emotionally, if it were me, I'd just stop going home less and stay at uni more
he is a doctor, I bet he wouldn't dare say something like that to one of his patients, why? because he knows it is not acceptable0 -
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he is providing for her, debt free education etc yes, but what he is saying is effecting her psychologically and emotionally, I'm not saying what he is saying is wrong, it is the way he is saying it
what would you do if you were saying stuff like that in that way to your daughter, and she ended up being psychologically effected for the rest of her life, or even took her own life?
he needs to realise how what he is saying in the way he is saying it is effecting her now before it is too late and he regrets it for the rest of his life
you might say yeah yeah whatever, but how many teenage girls become anorexic or take their own lives because they are emotionally/psycologically scarred0 -
Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??-1 -
Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are
So you are encouraging an 18 year old to leave her/his home and break a relationship with the family because the parent (in that age old parental stupid way they all have of trying to help) is annoying???
I hope the cutie on your picture never does that to you....
And since when did anything a parent ever said that the precious young adult don't agree with, became "emotional abuse"?? Do you even know what emotional abuse look like??
Pillage and burn/scorched earth/JBU is popular advice on MFP.0 -
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You're 18 years old, very young, dealing with anxiety and going to school, that in itself is a stressful time.
You have told him that his comments are hurtful but he continues with it. I think he's being rude and insensitive.
That's not a way to greet your daughter when she comes home from school, to make comments about her appearance and weight, how about something like "hi it's great to see you!".
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Keep your head up and if he doesn't stop, then ignore him or ask him to HELP you with all of his expertise as a Dr.
Can he recommend a nutritionist or personal trainer or a therapist to help you on the journey?
Also, you don't need to explain your living situation to anyone.
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Wow....It sounds like you were there! Stop judging Nancy dear...Are you a parent? Of anyone older than three I mean.....So much wisdom in one person.....NaturalNancy wrote: »You're 18 years old, very young, dealing with anxiety and going to school, that in itself is a stressful time.
You have told him that his comments are hurtful but he continues with it. I think he's being rude and insensitive.
That's not a way to greet your daughter when she comes home from school, to make comments about her appearance and weight, how about something like "hi it's great to see you!".
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Keep your head up and if he doesn't stop, then ignore him or ask him to HELP you with all of his expertise as a Dr.
Can he recommend a nutritionist or personal trainer or a therapist to help you on the journey?
Also, you don't need to explain your living situation to anyone.
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My dad does this as well. He brags about how fit he is and how he has a personal trainer and then calls me fat and tells me to move more. Except that I have a personal trainer as well and I exercise quite a lot so I finally got tired of it and challenged him to a day at the gym-- weightlifting followed by a run. I really thought he was going to have a heart attack
But since then he hasn't said a single word. I think he thought I was lying about my workout routines. So what you should do is get healthy. Not lose weight necessarily, but get moving, on the sly, without him knowing, and then one day take him up on the idea and say "yeah, let's go for a run" and show him up and he'll shut up lol. 0 -
Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.0
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Comments like that can seem benign but can hurt, especially if any of it rings true to you.
It's funny that I ran into this today because I had my usual weight loss conversation with my grandmother. She means well but ends up criticizing me about my weight and tells me about all the health problems in my family and how I need to do something about it now. Her words aren't necessarily mean but they're not helpful and often hurt. But I realize now why they hurt.... I agree with some of them. Hearing someone tell you about something you see as less than ideal is difficult and uncomfortable. You know the health risks you know there can be joint pain you know that you want a change but having someone else constantly remind you can be annoying to a hurtful degree. This might not be the case for you but it wouldn't hurt to try to understand why his words hurt so much.
I agree that a daily reminder is excessive and am sorry for that. Other than sitting him down and talking to him about the comments you can try redirecting the conversations. It may not work but you can tell him you'd rather him ask about your day/classes. How jumping into questions about your health feels like he's not being interested in you. It can encourage a more personable conversation rather than a clinical one.
No matter what you choose to do I hope you find better encouragement and some sort of peace with your father. Last thing you want is to have something like this fester in a relationship.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Sorry, but I just can't understand how comments by dad trying to get the OP moving at 18 are "hurtfull" and "dangerous". What have we come to as a world? He's paying for her education--she'll have no debts. Does that sound like a mean parent that doesn't care? OP--I read you as being too sensitive, "woe is me", "any comment hurts my feelings". Buck up and get yourself where you need to be.
For five years? Since she was 13? Incessantly, since that always works? Maybe his heart is in the right place but I suspect he may be going about it the wrong way. Raising a girl, I would think you would create an environment for her to eat well and get some fun or challenging activity (the kind that builds character, etc), not keep making comments and draw self consciousness to her appearance. But I'm honestly just guessing, here. Not a parent0 -
OP, I would tell him once, firmly but politely, that this topic is no longer up for discussion. If you want you can share your own goals and how you're working on accomplishing them. Then just ignore the unhelpful comments or jokingly change the subject from then on. Or you could joke or brush it off if you're feeling up to it - like "Sure Dad. Of course, it wouldn't be a visit if you didn't harp on that for a minute... haha".
And if the advice above was not conflicting enough, I would then proceed to shamelessly ask for gifts that support your health/fitness journey, since he seems to be interested, somewhat
What are his own health and fitness habits, just to help us understand him more?0 -
Dear Dragons,
If you are doing something to improve your health an life this can sometimes feel like a threat to other who do not feel good about themselves. What happens when you do get healthy? Won't he be the same old guy? He needs to validate your feelings whether he agrees or not. They are your feelings. Unfortunately, you cannot change another. Best thing to do is avoid a toxic personality as much as you can. You're now 18 and soon to be out into the world where you can generally, not always, choose to be with you want. Choose positive relationships. If your father has always been this way, be careful who you choose for friends. Sometimes we tend to choose same types. In the mean time tell him how you feel if you can or ignore him and work on moving away from him or coping with it. Good luck.0 -
People speak truth, and it hurts.
If they're not saying it, they're most all thinking it. Just focus on your goals and forgive people for just being people.
They'll never change, but you can change.
Good Luck -
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Do not break your relationship with your family it will depress you which will drive you to eat more. Just ignore it. Stop going there so often, manage the relationship until you find the strength in you to do something about it. Nobody can change your path but yourself. So be strong and this community is here to give you that strength. Even in bad days, there always tomorrow that will be a better one. Take one day at the time in your journey. Good luck.0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »Stop going home and stop speaking to him until he respects you as the adult you now are.
that's a very adult way to deal with the matter!
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My Dad has always been my worst critic when it comes to my weight. Usually I have been to heavy ,which is currently the case ,10st 5lb for 5ft is overweight, but i have lost 9lb in just under three weeks. On occasion he has said I was too thin. Now he seems to have also commented on my Daughters weight, One is 18 next week and the other 14. My four year old has escaped his criticism for now. I know he means well and its only out of concern so I dont take it to heart. I know I can and will lose the weight again. Only six n half months ago I was 8st 8lb, it was my wedding day. I felt amazin and I will again. For me i just nod my head,agree and forget about it. As a teenager the story was different so maybe my whatever attitude comes with age (44) . Good luck in your journey and dont let the negative comments get you down. The best way to get back for all the comments is to lose the weight and show them you can .0
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Different things effect differently people. My sister and I grew up in the same house and my fathers negative comments shamed me (into action and weight loss) and her into rebellion - she gained more weight. If he made a grumpy comment about whether the two of us were going to eat ALL the biscuits, I was shamed into only having one and she would rebelliously take 3.
To this day that sort of pattern persists. Even if someone so much as hints that I will be late to deliver a project I am super motivated to get it done on time to "show them". If someone hints to my sister that she will be late to deliver a project she gives up, does not deliver at all and blames the world for the "pressure".
Something about internal and external locus of control.
It does not change the fact that it was pretty uncool that my father called my sister "McMuncher" as a nickname. It is still cruel, even if the same nickname motivated me. Eventually he started calling me "Slinky Sue" and her "McMuncher" and you can imagine how that turned out.
We both reacted to my father, but there are kinder ways to get results I am sure.0 -
Different things effect differently people. My sister and I grew up in the same house and my fathers negative comments shamed me (into action and weight loss) and her into rebellion - she gained more weight. If he made a grumpy comment about whether the two of us were going to eat ALL the biscuits, I was shamed into only having one and she would rebelliously take 3.
To this day that sort of pattern persists. Even if someone so much as hints that I will be late to deliver a project I am super motivated to get it done on time to "show them". If someone hints to my sister that she will be late to deliver a project she gives up, does not deliver at all and blames the world for the "pressure".
Something about internal and external locus of control.
It does not change the fact that it was pretty uncool that my father called my sister "McMuncher" as a nickname. It is still cruel, even if the same nickname motivated me. Eventually he started calling me "Slinky Sue" and her "McMuncher" and you can imagine how that turned out.
We both reacted to my father, but there are kinder ways to get results I am sure.
How sad for you both, words can be hurtful and once said cannot be taken back. I would never say anything to my girls. If they ask for help I will help them, all I say when they say I want to lose weight is "I can help you by cooking healthy but I cannot lose it for you" My girls are not big but maybe a little weight off would make them feel better about themselves. With all the social media and photoshopped pictures there is so much pressure to look a certain way. I applaud you for using your dads negative comments to do something for yourself. I hope the different ways you and your Sister have dealt with things has not caused problems between you as I imagine it could. If your Sister could do the same as you and lose weight it would show your Dad . Name calling whoever it is between is nasty.0 -
I'm going to suggest a different strategy: get him to join you. Ask him to go on walks with you and it can be a new way for you to connect and talk. I love walking with my kiddo, we have some of our best conversations then.0
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