married chit-chatters?
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Another question before I wrap up my day at work....can you love your spouse out of depression? Meaning, can you compliment a person until they begin to believe it's true? Can you constantly extend an invitation for events and be refused every time until he/she finally says yes? Can you help a person with addictive behaviors that doesn't want to be helped? Is it possible?
You sound like a wonderful person - sadly, the answer is no. Depression is a "brain wiring" issue, and there are drugs that can help. Your best efforts to lift the other person simply can't overcome the "frame" that their brain paints for them. Self-medicating efforts usually don't work, either.
Now, all that being said - with young families, what might look like depression *could be* sheer exhaustion. You'll have to decide that for yourself.
And in answer to your earlier question - sometimes married life goes though drudge-y periods, and that's OK. Having a steady person to share life's burdens is truly a blessing; but it never hurts to stop and appreciate that and TELL THE OTHER PERSON, is a good idea ;-)5 -
Are there any spouses in here that own their own business with the spouses or work for the same company? How does that work out? When do you separate work from non-work?
And I'm back.... yes, my husband and I own a business. I won't deny that there are times when we forget each other due to the details of running the business. The trick is to get away from time to time - and LEAVE WORK BEHIND. We have an advantage now - we're old. We close our business through the winter, and we become Snowbirds and have 4 months of "together time". But before that, we'd take road trips just sightseeing for a week or so...5 -
Another question before I wrap up my day at work....can you love your spouse out of depression? Meaning, can you compliment a person until they begin to believe it's true? Can you constantly extend an invitation for events and be refused every time until he/she finally says yes? Can you help a person with addictive behaviors that doesn't want to be helped? Is it possible?
I agree with others that treatment is needed. For some people that's medication. But, some people don't respond well to meds. Either way it's important to get her the right type of therapy that could help her to work through the issues, find healthier coping mechanisms, learn self care, build a "tool box", an outlet for her emotions and difficulties, support for addiction. Maybe group therapy. Maybe also a 12 step program or some other addiction treatment program. Whatever she responds best to. Wish I had better advice. Addiction is very difficult to deal with. Especially with drugs that are physically addictive and alcoholism. So treatment does depend on to what degree she is experiencing these issues and what she needs for help to learn healthier coping skills. The one thing I know is that they won't stop the addiction until they can admit and acknowledge that they have an addiction. Denial with addiction is powerful. I have experienced it in my family of origin. I hope you two get help. You are a good husband wanting to help her and loving her like you do. Sorry you are both going through this.2 -
Are there any spouses in here that own their own business with the spouses or work for the same company? How does that work out? When do you separate work from non-work?
My husband and I met at work and still work together. It's great 85% of the time. We make a great team, it's nice to be able to commute and eat lunch together, it's nice to be able to get a hug in the middle of the day when I need it, and he kills bugs for me if I get one in my office. We usually get in the car and have the ride from work to the gym to keep talking work, and then we're done with it for the day and go about our evenings like normal married people.
Then there's the other 15% of the time where I really, really, really wish he was somewhere else. Something bad (but small!) happens, he gets ranty and emotional, and he walks a fine line between venting to me and taking his frustration out on me. He invades my office when I'm trying to get things done, and eventually I have to be like GTFO I'm not your therapist. It's hard to enforce boundaries at work - I have to be an employee first and a wife second. Bad days make him spiral, and even if we're not talking about work at home, he goes on about all the other things that are wrong. Some of the problem is how we're fundamentally different in handling being upset - he gets loud and blustery, I internalize and don't want to talk. I don't cope well with his avalanche of unhappiness.
I'm not perfect either - I'm consistently slow and late in the mornings, and while we've never gotten in trouble for it, he feels like he's being dad telling me to get out of bed and get ready. If we didn't work together, he could just leave.
Our company is going through some turbulence right now, and looking elsewhere has crossed both of our minds. I really hate the thought of not working with him because it's so good most of the time, but I do sometimes wonder if my work-related stress would go down a little if he wasn't around making mountains out of molehills.4 -
I was married at 22 and marrying and having kids young helped me to mature and grow in ways I sorely needed. Knowing my personality I'm afraid that if I'd waited until I was much older I'd have developed a stubborn selfishness Which would have made marriage much harder. Instead we 'grew up ' together and formed our identities together and the fact that we literally can't imagine living without each other helps a lot when things get rocky.
Having been the spouse suffering from depression I can attest that it's not something you can 'love' your spouse out of. Depression is really good at robbing a person of her self worth so even if you tell her she's wonderful and that you love her dearly she might struggle to believe it's true. There was a point in my own battle where despite all my family's efforts to make me feel loved I still felt that the kindest thing I could do for them was to leave this world so they could move on and find someone who wasn't so broken. It's not your job to make her happy (I know it made my husband miserable when he failed to do so) but you can support her when she's down, and help her to find the professional help she needs. And just remember that if she doesn't respond appropriately to your professions of love, You're not doing it wrong, It's just that the depression speaks louder sometimes.6 -
Well said Serenity. One of the most liberating feelings I ever experienced was learning from our councilor that it was not my job to make my wife's anxiety go away.2
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Soooooo, can we be married and flirty....or is this the wrong meeting?6
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Hmmm . What is this flirting that you speak of??1
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RainaProske wrote: »NewMrsCarlson wrote: »Married chickadee right here
How long have you been married now, Chickadee?
Ah, I remember well the first days!
I have been married 3 years as of this last June 3 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »I agree with Meredith. Marriage is hard and takes work from both parties. I've been married 24 years.
I also can relate to some of the less happy posters here but don't want to get into details in a public forum.
Marriage takes work but if both parties are not working at it sometimes a better course of action is to make a change rather than staying in a bad situation where no one is happy and the kids do not learn what a loving relationship looks like.
Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce? I don't really see how that would justify going through the emotional and financial devastation of divorce. Not to mention what it does to kids. I can see why people think it's easier to stay in the marriage but find something on the side.
What I'm sure no one talks about openly but I'm sure happens is more open relationships. Where a wife or husband openly admits they no longer have the sex drive they did before and allows their spouse to fill their desires elsewhere. If all other aspects of the marriage are satisfied except for sex I don't see why it's worth getting a divorce over.
Most people can never get down to the reality of the situation. They think what type of person am I if I let my spouse have sex with other people? They don't think about it in a logical way. They see it from a standpoint of how society will look at them. You can still love someone and not have sex with them and you can have sex with someone and not love them. Sex is just a physical need that most people feel needs to be satisfied.
Can you take intimacy out of the equation is the problem.
I think that if having an open relationship was mutual and worked then go for it. Like you said, most partners aren't going to go for that. And maybe sometimes sex is just sex. But, if the sex issues are indicative of a different problem someone somewhere might develop stronger feelings within a side relationship or get hurt in unintended ways (including the kids). I think it's good that you are honestly exploring these thoughts and feelings, and talking it through. And also good to think about it logically rather than what society would think. Because it's your life. And thanks for sharing with us.
If a couple can't have sex because of medical issues that's a different topic.
But, if everything is "normal" and healthy then not being on the same page sexually does matter, imo. It's something to explore and think about. Like why are you staying together? Other than for the kids or for financial reasons. Because if there are not other strong reasons then it's worth thinking about. Not all relationships are meant to last. That's why there is divorce. It's ok to get divorced if a relationship has run it's course. Try to work it out. But, you don't have to stay if you aren't happy. The kids will survive. If you can do it peacefully (I know that's rare) some people make it work just living on the same street. Not so bad for the kids that way. But, I don't know what advice to give. I haven't been in this situation. And in my marriage I do need sexual excitement, so I explore new things all the time with my partner, and talk about it honestly with my partner. And I keep up with my fitness and appearance and lingerie and outfits.3 -
Thanks you guys!
Anyone have any anniversaries coming up? I met my hubs August 13, 2010 and we were married Sept. 13th, 2013; so, I demand two gifts.
....kidding....kinda. 3 -
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Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce?
If that is a major criteria for love, I guess so. Makes me wonder about that whole, sickness and health thing though. I have friends in situations were they could not have sex, or illness was a major detriment for years. Something about better or worse...interesting times we live in.
Anyway, I have never had bad sex, but I guess my expectations are different. I have also learned that 99% of sexual issues are really a symptom of a real issue(s) with a loving relationship.
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Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
Anyone have any anniversaries coming up? I met my hubs August 13, 2010 and we were married Sept. 13th, 2013; so, I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
We got married Sept 27th, 2014. Anniversary is still well over a month away, but we've got a big trip to New Zealand booked and I'm getting more and more excited as we nail down the details. I really love traveling with my husband - it brings out his best side. He's playful, romantic, his inner history nerd comes out and he gets excited learning about a place, he's constantly telling me how great I am for planning everything... And when we're back home, he'll mention little details and special moments from a trip that have completely slipped my mind. It gives me warm fuzzies.
We don't do gifts, but we exchange cards. Finding the right card is a big deal.2 -
Do you think a bad sex life is worthy of getting a divorce?
If that is a major criteria for love, I guess so. Makes me wonder about that whole, sickness and health thing though. I have friends in situations were they could not have sex, or illness was a major detriment for years. Something about better or worse...interesting times we live in.
Anyway, I have never had bad sex, but I guess my expectations are different. I have also learned that 99% of sexual issues are really a symptom of a real issue(s) with a loving relationship.
Of course illness of any kind is a different issue. I believe 100% in love which is in sickness and in health. You love each other, but one of you is unwell and needs love and care.
That is a completely different issue from two healthy people that have no desire to have sex with each other. But instead want to get into relationships with other people. That's indicative of a relationship issue that is deeper than just sex. Lack of sex is a symptom of a relationship issue. Not a symptom of an illness. That's a big difference.2 -
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Do you have friend couples who compete with you??
My wife has a coworker and he competes with her and makes sure he lets my wife know how much fun they had every weekend and places they went to. Apparently a dig at my wife's workaholic husband who commutes 5 hours a day and works round the clock if needed.
The only time I ever encountered a married guy trying (unsuccessfully) to speak to me in a competitive way about my husband (just made that guy look like a douche) was a guy that was a cheater and was trying to constantly hit on me. He also listened to my conversations and showed up places I said I was going to be. And he tried to get me alone and would corner me and say things like, "I love that top on you". And creepier stuff. And his wife didn't want him around me either and got really upset when she found out about him "running into me accidentally" and he said I was with friends, but I wasn't.
Other than that, no definitely I do not encounter married couple competition. The only thing I can think of is accidental stuff in which a person says something negative, the other person responds defensive, then that person responds defensive. And they don't realize (at first) it was just a misunderstanding.0 -
Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
Anyone have any anniversaries coming up? I met my hubs August 13, 2010 and we were married Sept. 13th, 2013; so, I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
Congrats! We just had ours in July. Married in 2000 (met 1996).1 -
Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
@Guns_N_Buns I think that's great that you acknowledge both days and give your husband a hard time about two gifts. You sound like a fun-loving partner! PS. that's not flirting, just a comment. :-)2 -
I am married!!
He isy best friend also.
We always have a blast together.2 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Do you have friend couples who compete with you??
My wife has a coworker and he competes with her and makes sure he lets my wife know how much fun they had every weekend and places they went to. Apparently a dig at my wife's workaholic husband who commutes 5 hours a day and works round the clock if needed.
The only place I've encountered competition like that is online - there seem to be people who want to show off how perfect their life is by bragging about how often they have sex, how often they get the kids a sitter and go out, how other people's partners are sooooo awful for not doing ____.
...Now that I think about it, I get a little bit of the "competition" vibe from my dad and his fiancee, but I think that's because they're trying to prove to me that his life really is totally great and wonderful with someone who isn't my mom. He's overcompensating and doesn't seem to grasp that if he's happy I'm happy for him.3 -
I hate FB. I don't enjoy looking at people's kids or what they ate for dinner, or the recipe they want to make. I don't need to be online to say "I love you" to my husband.
On another note we got married on May the 13th,1988. And it was a Friday.4 -
BinaryPulsar wrote: »Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
Anyone have any anniversaries coming up? I met my hubs August 13, 2010 and we were married Sept. 13th, 2013; so, I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
Congrats! We just had ours in July. Married in 2000 (met 1996).
Woohoo, congrats and thank you!1 -
Lonestar5715 wrote: »Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
@Guns_N_Buns I think that's great that you acknowledge both days and give your husband a hard time about two gifts. You sound like a fun-loving partner! PS. that's not flirting, just a comment. :-)
Thank you! We have fun with it. Obviously, I don't expect anything, as if I really wanted something I'd just get it, but it's fun to joke with him about. This weekend while camping/hunting, I reminded him it's almost our "when we met anniversary" and asked what he was going to get me...he then responds with something that ultimately is going to benefit HIM.
We just went to a friend's wedding; they were together for 7+ years and just married, so I think it's definitely an honorable mention when a couple originally met.
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I had a friend that was very, very, very much competitive. The typical 'Kardashian' type that even replicated her home/style as one, down to the floor tiles. She always talked about other "friends"...how ugly their kid is; how cheap her outfit looks; omg, she didn't go with the Denali *gasp*; my husband still makes more than hers; etc.
It got so exhausting that we'd get in fights because I'd basically say, "if you hate her so much, why the f*** are you 'friends' still? I'm tired of hearing about it." Anyway, she was a decent friend to me, so I tolerated it as long as I did, but when tensions rose and things got heated, they got ugly. Her true colors came out and she immediately went to the comparisons of our relationships, finances, etc. I had already ordered my maid of honor dress for her wedding and booked my flight, but I was glad to cut my losses.
She was married and divorced all within about 6 months.
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Guns_N_Buns wrote: »Thanks you guys!
Anyone have any anniversaries coming up? I met my hubs August 13, 2010 and we were married Sept. 13th, 2013; so, I demand two gifts. ....kidding....kinda.
September 3 We gave up on doing anything terribly exciting once kids came along (we used to go away for the weekend) and his company keeps sending him to Canada over that week 
But I'm grateful for every year we get to be together no matter how we celebrate the occasion. 2 -
still married.1
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Guns_N_Buns wrote: ». . . I think it's definitely an honorable mention when a couple originally met.
My husband and I met in August, 1961, didn't start going together until August (I think), 1963, and married in June, 1987. Of course, we both had one marriage each in between '63 and '87. 4 -
We have been married for 147 years.
..... I do the math in dog years
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Married 6 yrs. 3 kids under 5. He's a SAHD and I'm an ICU nurse.2
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