my husband thinks that I am ungrateful

lissmayer · October 2016

miteyme wrote: »

Dear Lissmayer, trapping mice or rats for that matter with chocolate, could be quite theraputic. It would involve walking, would not involve any eating as dirty fingers would preclude that, and chocolate is agreat rodent bait. Last winter mice ate the air pipes in the brakes of my car, causing accute brake failure. I say that using the chocolate to catch mice might even have saved my life! Maybe not so daft after all.

Ok- but it wouldn't solve the problem of needing to communicate with your spouse- and possibly also his mother (or at least just tell her no).

PaulaWallaDingDong · October 2016

So, when I first started, I had this feeling like every extra calorie would ruin my whole life. 93 lbs and a billion extra calories later and I know that that's not the case.

I wouldn't even address it right now. Why make him feel bad for a gift, and why let yourself feel bad over treats on your birthday? Enjoy the chocolates now, and then later on, have a casual chat about how important it is for you to stay on track, and that you don't want him to buy you sweets as gifts or take you out for over-indulgent dinners for a while until you get your bearings.

leanjogreen18 · October 2016

You mentioned you are only 2 weeks in to your diet. I think he was just getting what he knew you liked in the past. I would just say thank you and at a later time talk about the changes you are making and how much you appreciate in advance his support. Before the next holiday maybe drop hints of things you would like.

Machka9 · October 2016

miteyme wrote: »

How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!

Why not just have one on your birthday ... then put the box in the freezer, and have one a day until they are gone?

I'm from a cycling (bicycles) background, and one of the cycling traditions is to ride our age in miles on our birthdays. This means that I celebrate my birthday with a decently long ride ... and then I can complete the celebration with a nice meal and cake.

This might be an idea for you as you deal with celebrations ... get in some exercise which frees you up to eat a bit more.

jo_nz · October 2016

Well, given you are only into week 2, it's not too surprising that he hasn't got it all sorted yet. By next year you will be able to give him some new suggestions, plus maybe save a few extra calories for birthday treats so you don't go so far over goal.
I usually only get a birthday present from my hubby if I buy it for myself!

1500 over isn't so bad - if you look at it over the week and stick to goal for the other days, you'll probably still be below maintenance for the week (depending how small your deficit is) and at least not gain weight.

n1terunner · October 2016

I got yelled at for not noticing when she changed her hair! He's not reading the room right is my guess. I'd eat one, thank him, then make them disappear at work.

KateTii · October 2016

"Thankyou dear husband for the fancy chocolates - you really do know how much I love chocolate! I'm going to have one a day and fit it nicely into my calorie plan and will get to enjoy them for a whole month!"

crystalnichle · October 2016

you can just accept them and then mail them to me.

kidding...kind of.

Francl27 · October 2016

Well let's be honest - he's her husband. Realistically, he should know that she has a hard time moderating chocolates. I wouldn't expect my husband to eat one serving of Doritos at a time if I bought him some either.

So I would probably reacted as OP did too (binge included). So my advice is just to be completely honest with him. I'm sure he did have good intentions but he has to understand that it's making things much harder for you too.

Aaron_K123 · October 2016

I have to ask though if just the appearance of chocolate causes you to overeat by 1500 calories what is your long-term plan for maintaining at a healthy weight?

Sounds to me like you need to practice self-discipline and control and practice with occasional exposure to chocolate might be good for that. When encountering chocolate realize that that is going to happen throughout your life and rather than casting external blame remind yourself of your goals and ask whether your goals are more or less important to you than chocolate and act accordingly.

Living literally in fear of chocolate and feeling anger towards those that offer it is no way to live.

Here is the thing. If a loved one buys you chocolate and your response to that is to set it aside and not touch it then they will pick up on that and next time they won't buy you chocolate. All with you not having said a word. If they feel offended you didn't eat their gift then that's on them and if they need to know why they can ask you and you can give them a totally reasonable response.

bethannien · October 2016

My husband knows how much I love goodies. And it's really hard for him to resist bringing them to me. He actually works right next to this ridiculously fabulous dessert cafe. And he kept bringing home goodies I had a hard time resisting. So I asked him to please ask me in the future before bringing them home so I can request something to share that I can fit into my daily goal.

It's hard but you just have to be open and honest and say "this isn't helping me reach my goals. I can do this without your help but it will be so much easier if you have my back."

Puppybear1 · October 2016

Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.

That being said, I agree with most everyone else. Losing weight and getting healthy requires us to embrace ourselves honestly and give ourselves grace. It was your birthday, you did what you used to do on your birthday. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace it. Empower yourself. Think "Man that chocolate was good but next time I think I will handle this differently. Losing weight shouldn't be about hating yourself. That's what got most of us here to begin with!

EmilyElizabeth3 · October 2016

Let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness and that you really do love it. But for right now, you're trying to do what's best for you and since it's hard for you to resist chocolate, it's best that you avoid it. Try explaining to him how much you need and want his support as you make these changes in your life. Be positive when you talk to him. And be positive toward yourself. Don't get bogged down by your mistakes. You can do this!

Don't reflect too much on your mistakes, instead determine yourself to do better next time. Its best to think about the good things you've done--even the little things. Remember the time when you chose fruit over chips or took the stairs instead of the elevator and thank yourself for those good decisions. It may sound silly, but it works for me. I find I make the most progress when I focus on the good things. So you messed up one day, but tomorrow is a new chance to do things right.

Aaron_K123 · October 2016

Puppybear1 wrote: »

Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.

That being said, I agree with most everyone else. Losing weight and getting healthy requires us to embrace ourselves honestly and give ourselves grace. It was your birthday, you did what you used to do on your birthday. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace it. Empower yourself. Think "Man that chocolate was good but next time I think I will handle this differently. Losing weight shouldn't be about hating yourself. That's what got most of us here to begin with!

If you have an addiction that negatively affects your health you should confront it, not hide from it. Can't hide forever but if you work on your self dicipline and push against your addiction with your willpower making your will stronger and stronger then eventually there will be no need to hide and you can relax having dealt with a cause of stress in your life. Hiding from it and faulting others for having or offering it is no way to live.

Is that harsh? Nothing in what I said is about self-hatred, quite the opposite...it's about establishing self confidence that you are in control...not something external having control over you. You don't get there hiding from it.

Personally I'd recommend buying small chocolates...putting one in with your lunch and then when it's lunch time rather than eat it offer it to a friend or just put it back. Set that as a goal, regularly expose yourself to your temptation and address it. If you eat it just note that you did that and try again tomorrow. Let it serve as a reminder of what you are trying to accomplish and that you are in control of that.

Sloth2016 · October 2016

Every day, after a nice supper, take one out of the box. Split it in half and share it with him to remind him how thankful you are and what a cool person he is for getting you such a nice present. (Half the chocolate should be about 30 cals. a day. Be sure to log it).

Sounds like you got yourself a keeper there. Hang on to him - a good spouse is hard to find.

dn0pes · October 2016

I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible. They don't require a dissertation on my neurosis du jour. I must to accept my responsibility for my life. When all else fails I go for a run........ A different obsession.

jemhh · October 2016

You could eat one chocolate today and then one once a week for the next couple of months.

Your husband is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, the person you lean on through good times and bad. Why not assume positive intent rather than cutting him down for a gift he thought you would enjoy? I feel bad for the guy.

Rebecca0224 · October 2016

Thank your husband, if it hasn't been long since you changed the way you eat he is probably still catching up. My boyfriend still offers to get me fastfood almost every night and I usually say no but I don't get mad because he is trying to be nice. You over ate on your birthday don't worry about just relax and know that you won't be doing this often. You should talk to your husband at a later time maybe in a few days and tell him you don't need to have chocolate in the house anymore and suggest something else he can get you. Alot of men are not good at gift giving and go to the defaults chocolate, flowers, jewelry. Tell him if he wants to get you something he can get you x, y, or z. You don't want to just tell him you shouldn't have gotten me chocolate or anything that will make him feel bad just encourage better gifts for your new lifestyle.

Puppybear1 · October 2016

Aaron_K123 -
First, let me say that it really seems to me that you are a kind and supportive person. You want her to be stress free and to feel better. Some people really respond to direct confrontation and advise. I guess the comment came across as a little harsh to me because she was so early in her journey. Too much light has a tendency to blind people. If she was a year in and she was blaming the grocery store for advertising chocolate, it would feel differently to me. (I am oversimplifying but you get my point.)

I also think it was super sweet that her husband got her chocolates for her birthday. I don't think he was wrong for trying to be kind to her on her birthday. On the flip side, when someone who knows you and loves you and has watched your struggles with weight gives you a food that they know you find hard to resist, it can feel as though they do not support you. Maybe even that they don't believe in you. It hurt her feelings.

Secondly, if you know that a substance is bad for your body, you shouldn't ingest it. Part of every addiction recovery process is to stop ingesting the drug. Surely you don't think alcoholics should have a beer once in a while, especially during the first two weeks of recovery. Abstaining is what builds willpower. Ex heroine addicts aren't accused of hiding from their addiction when they choose not to shoot up. When you have had a terribly unhealthy habit of abusing food, breaking the habit is sometimes necessary before reintroducing the food in a healthy way.

Lastly, I agree that ultimately, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Blaming others will never set us free because it gives others power over us. So yes, we shouldn't fault others for having or offering us those things, but even in AA, taking responsibility doesn't come until step 5. Addicts have spent a lifetime lying to themselves. Saying to themselves, "they offered it, it's their fault so I shouldn't feel guilty about doing it. It's their fault." It takes time to see ourselves truthfully.

Orphia · October 2016

Guilt and blame don't burn calories.

Log it and be happy you enjoyed some lovely chocolate. Mmmm, chocolate.

I lost 80 lbs between April 2015 and April 2016 and I ate chocolate every day.

Make room for the things you most love, and you'll stick to your calorie limit for as long as it takes.

my husband thinks that I am ungrateful

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