Eating When Hungry vs. Sticking to a Calorie Plan
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RickyCoogin wrote: »Lynn - I don't date because I hate how I look and I know that even if I did, things wouldn't last long because of how I feel about myself. I have the feeling I will never find myself attractive, but since I've never been in shape, I figure I owe it to myself to look the best I can and then decide if I still hate how I look.
Amy - More like you've never met anyone who would admit that they couldn't get any better. What if they told you that and you told their partner? Most people would keep quiet about it.
I won't date someone who finds some meathead type like that attractive and if they found me that way, especially after getting in shape, I'd want to stick my head in an oven. Having someone find me attractive is usually not good news, both because of what they find attractive and who they turn to be (e.g., desperate, not well-educated, no career, etc.).
The kind of girl I want would find those big bald guys gross and laughable.
While you're losing the weight, please also get some professional help with your other issues. Because honestly, even without knowing what you look like, that's what's most unattractive about you right now. Yes, physical attraction is important in the initial phase, but personality is what really counts in the end.16 -
That depends on you. For myself I know that if I am not hungry and I get stuck trying to eat food that I do not want it feels like a chore. Then I get turned off completely and end up under eating. Especially by around 7 or 8 pm. I just can't keep trying at that point unless it's liquid calories such as a glass of milk. Other people find that they can eat when they are not hungry with no problem. Another part to this is where you calories come from. Some foods provide more satiety causing one to feel very full for a long time while others seem like they are gone as soon as they are eaten. You will just need to do some trial and error to find out how this will work or if it will work for you at all.0
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If you don't do something about your emotional and mental health and attitude you can lose all the the weight you want but you will still be the same person on the inside no matter what you look like on the outside, and speaking for myself and I am sure many others, someone who is so focused on their appearance and others appearance in such a negative way is not attractive. You tend to get back from the world what you put out into it.
Physical attraction is a part of the process of finding another person to share your life with but it has been my own personal experience and that of all of my friends (male and female, physically hot or not) that someone could be really hot physically and get less attractive the more you get to know them or can have no initial or very little initial physical attraction to you but as you get to know them they get more and more attractive and desirable to you.
Living your life by arbitrary constructs you create based on superficial criteria of no substance will mean that you may miss out on developing a meaningful relationship with the right person or even just making a great friend.
Goodluck with your life's journey, I hope you manage to find a way to not feel so miserable about things and achieve your goals.12 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »I am in a rush. I feel like my life is on hold, mainly my dating life. There is no way I'd be able to date someone at my current size; it would actually make me feel horrible if someone said I looked great the way I am now. Even at my goal weight, it's still going to be a struggle for me because of how I feel about my stature.
2000 calories a day seems like a lot for someone with a lot of weight to lose.
I'm 3 inches taller than you and started out 8 pounds heavier than you. I've lost 62 pounds in 16 months eating 2300-2400 calories per day. I don't care that it took 16 months - the time was going to pass anyway, so my choice was to either do something about it or still be fat and out of shape 16 months later. I chose the former. I'm now at 208 pounds and still eating 2250 calories per day (with plenty of cheat days mixed in) and working on gradually losing maybe the last 5-10 vanity pounds.
I lost slowly on purpose - my aim was 1 pound/wk. because I was interested in preserving as much lean body mass as I could. I've lost weight rapidly before and wasn't at all happy with the results - I ended up skinnyfat, my head looked too big for my body and I still had a gut and love handles. Wasn't going to make the same mistake this time. I lost the weight slowly, lifted weights and kept my protein intake up to make sure the results were more along the lines of what I wanted them to be. And they are.
You don't have to fear looking like a meathead. That doesn't happen accidentally, nor does it happen easily. It takes a lot of effort, years of hard work and having the genetics to look that way in the first place. If looking like a meathead was easy, there would be a lot more meatheads in the world because most guys would prefer to look at least somewhat lean and muscular if given a choice.7 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »"Meathead" doesn't necessarily mean competition-level bodybuilder or World's Strongest Man contestant (if I wanted to do that, I'd probably need to be 75 lbs HEAVIER). I mean the type of guy people see as a bouncer, or a cop, or a football player.
My weight isn't muscle (and I wouldn't want it to be), but I fear that even when I lose weight, I'm always going to be this big bald guy and attract women who are into that stupid look. I think I would rather not date than do that.
Most girls don't want to date a guy who doesn't like themselves. My sister is married to a big guy with the kind of body type you are describing. She's thin and toned and healthy, but you wouldn't like her, because she likes a big guy.
You wouldn't like a hot girl if she liked you because you have issues with yourself. You need to work on that first.14 -
"One thing I WILL not do is attempt to starve myself small. I am going to be using the calorie counter religiously and make sure I eat three meals a day regardless. "
I was happy to see this in your other thread. I'd like to believe that you'll be loosely-goosey about your 1500 calorie goal and lose the weight in a safe manner.0 -
Maybe you need to date yourself for a while, just a thought.
I'm sorry you see things so negatively, and that you can't see what's so problematic in your statements, but ultimately it's your life and you can make your own choices. These commenters are only trying to help you and be a support system because that's what these forums are for--and there are plenty of people here who know what they're talking about when it comes to weight loss and nutrition, and even mental health from a weight loss standpoint, so they're not just telling you bull. You probably won't get the answers you want here. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you.1 -
personally I do better when i eat at regular intervals, then i'm never hungry & wont over
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RickyCoogin wrote: »The notion of eating when hungry sounds like it makes sense to me. However, I love to cook and eat, so I figured it would be better if I stuck to a calorie plan (1500-1800 day, for a start) and ate regularly even when not really that hungry. I figure the idea is to get yourself used to what you're going to do long-term.
Does this sound right?
Eat the calories MFP tells you to lose no more than 2 lbs a week and you will lose weight in a healthy way.
Hunger cues are not reliable for many of us. The numbers of your calorie goal are fairly reliable way to get you enough food and not too much.
I know the thread has moved on to other aspects like dating and body/mental issues.
Work on your mental issues so you can accept yourself and really move on to dating. This is a bigger hurdle than your outer appearance frankly for future relationships.1 -
This thread makes me sad. It's bad enough that you are judging yourself so harshly, but then you are also judging anyone who may see redeeming qualities in you, and snubbing them as being unworthy of your time and attention. Very paradoxical.7
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I have dated guys of all shapes, sizes, and aesthetic variations. His personality is what makes the difference. Guys that are ugly on the inside become less attractive over time. When he is an amazing person, he is instantly more attractive. I'd much rather be with someone who can challenge me intellectually, is loyal and trusting, and cares about himself and the world around him, than someone who looks good, but is only worried about how he looks and how others perceive him.11
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nutmegoreo wrote: »I have dated guys of all shapes, sizes, and aesthetic variations. His personality is what makes the difference. Guys that are ugly on the inside become less attractive over time. When he is an amazing person, he is instantly more attractive. I'd much rather be with someone who can challenge me intellectually, is loyal and trusting, and cares about himself and the world around him, than someone who looks good, but is only worried about how he looks and how others perceive him.
Looking at it only from the incredibly shallow aspect of looks/aesthetics, I can't tell you how many smokin' hot women I've seen with guys that made me wonder "How the hell did she end up with HIM???". But they do. I've seen plenty of guys who weren't movie star material with absolutely beautiful women. One of my good friends is a short, stumpy bald guy and he's married to one of the most absolutely beautiful women I've ever met. But then again, he has a great sense of humor, a lot of self-confidence and is a good guy through and through.
I know guys who've lost pounds and exercised thinking that looking hot would get them women. Guess what? Now they're lean and yoked and still don't have women. Because they're such douches that as soon as a woman meets them and discovers their personality, they turn and run the other way as fast as they can. Looks might matter, but they only matter so much.14 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »The notion of eating when hungry sounds like it makes sense to me. However, I love to cook and eat, so I figured it would be better if I stuck to a calorie plan (1500-1800 day, for a start) and ate regularly even when not really that hungry. I figure the idea is to get yourself used to what you're going to do long-term.
Does this sound right?
You can do both. Eat when hungry, but be conscious of how much you eat. Six small meals can give you the same number of calories as three larger meals.1 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »I really, really, really wish people would stop trying to convince me that looks don't matter. Even if they don't matter to you, they do to me.
I never said looks were all I cared about, nor that I would be happy dating "someone who looks good, but is only worried about how [she] looks and how others perceive [her]." I don't know why people keep coming up with these slanted comparisons, i.e., "I'd rather date a guy who was sweet and kind but overweight rather than a really hot guy who beats me up and cheats on me with diseased women."
I don't mean to lash out at you, nutmeg - you're not the first person to say this. I just can't believe people will go to such lengths to hold onto the fact that Looks Don't Matter. Or that they only matter to mean, shallow people who ONLY care about looks.
You're completely missing my point. But I'm over trying to explain it. Best of luck.nutmegoreo wrote: »I have dated guys of all shapes, sizes, and aesthetic variations. His personality is what makes the difference. Guys that are ugly on the inside become less attractive over time. When he is an amazing person, he is instantly more attractive. I'd much rather be with someone who can challenge me intellectually, is loyal and trusting, and cares about himself and the world around him, than someone who looks good, but is only worried about how he looks and how others perceive him.
Looking at it only from the incredibly shallow aspect of looks/aesthetics, I can't tell you how many smokin' hot women I've seen with guys that made me wonder "How the hell did she end up with HIM???". But they do. I've seen plenty of guys who weren't movie star material with absolutely beautiful women. One of my good friends is a short, stumpy bald guy and he's married to one of the most absolutely beautiful women I've ever met. But then again, he has a great sense of humor, a lot of self-confidence and is a good guy through and through.
I know guys who've lost pounds and exercised thinking that looking hot would get them women. Guess what? Now they're lean and yoked and still don't have women. Because they're such douches that as soon as a woman meets them and discovers their personality, they turn and run the other way as fast as they can. Looks might matter, but they only matter so much.
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Of course looks matter! I couldn't be be with someone who i wasn't physically attracted to. But in the end, if you have a crappy personality it will be hard to hang on to a decent woman. Yes, there are people out there who are just happy that someone, anyone wants to be in a relationship with them, but it doesn't take long to figure this out.
There are physically gorgeous people out there with ugly personalities, and this eventually translates to their outer selves. I've met some stunning men in my time, but if they're ugly on the inside they will eventually look ugly on the outside to me.3 -
Did it ever occur to you that your BDD is shaping how you see the world and that for the vast majority us, only a tiny fraction (if any) of our self worth is derived from our physical appearance? The degree to which your self worth seems to be tied up in physical appearance is beyond the scope of normal and falls into the category of disordered thinking. A good therapist or psychiatrist will help you unravel that.
That said, even a good therapist won't be able help you if you're unwilling to accept their advice or, at the very least, consider an alternate point of view - which is exactly what you refusing to do in this thread. Until you're willing to challenge your own paradigms and actually address the root cause of your disordered thinking, no amount of weight loss will make you more attractive. The choice is yours.4 -
What it boils down to is if you are not happy with yourself no woman will be happy with you either. Mostly because they know that you will not believe them when they say how much they are attracted to you, or how lovable you are etc... Yeah, there are women who don't like bald men, fat men, short men, skinny men, poor men etc... but there are also a lot of women who are not using those kinds of things as criteria which a man must meet.
If you can't find some means of making "you" the kind of person YOU like, then this struggle will never end. So the question is only how can YOU make you a person you like? Or are at least comfortable with? What would help you be comfortable in your own skin? You can't change everything you would want to change over night, but you can change those things through consistent work and progress. If the hair is a huge point of stress and you want to get some kind of hair replacement there is nothing wrong with that. Hell, some women lose their hair on their heads and grow it on their face. So some of these problems are sprinkled on both sides.
So my question for you is what are you going to work on first and how? What is your plan? Or are you still getting your ideas together?3 -
Also, would you want to date someone that had your attitude? If you dont like spending time with you, then no one else will either.7
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Most guys i know would love to hear the comments in your last paragraph! And trust me, you will not attract the women who prefer the football player or bouncer type2
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