WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR APRIL 2017

Re – I’m sorry you lost [misplaced] your ring. I have not been able to find one that was given to me as a Christmas gift; but, in the move, I also could not find my “Chinese Warrior” that I bought when my BF and I went to Birmingham, AL to see the ‘showing’ of the Chinese Warrior presentation. IF it ever comes within driving distance; I would certain recommend going to see it. AMAZING!

Sarah – I know growing up because my Daddy was an attorney; we heard a lot and we saw a lot, so we never could even ‘admit’ that someone had been at our house (for any real reason). I saw and read things then, as well as in my job as an adult that I ‘still’ cannot talk about because of ‘confidentiality’. Therefore, I thought I was the ‘only’ person whose Daddy would get ‘drunk’; but, that wasn’t so … learned that YEARS and YEARS later.

Some things I learned from others who were friends back then and what they say about parents, siblings, grandparents, other kin folks, about their ‘ex’ marriages and what went on and how much happier they are now, really gave me ‘pause’. I wasn’t the only one; and, some did a lot worse. I always felt ‘safe’ in my family home. Daddy and Mother rarely had any arguments and Daddy would have NEVER hit her for any reason. She was ‘in love’ with him, on sight. Actually, from her angle, she thought he was someone else, from another town. Her BF asked ‘if she wanted her to introduce her to him’. The rest is ‘history’. But, they dated 5 years before getting married because he wanted to pass the Bar Exam before taking on a wife and raising a family. He encouraged my Mother to do whatever she wanted to do. He supported everything she did. She did a lot of volunteer work; and, he went out and got the $$$ to buy the last ‘band uniform’ so they would have them for my oldest sister’s senior year. Mother sewed gold braid down the sides of all the pants. About 40 pair of them. He was the ‘main’ bread-winner; she was the ‘main’ (only actually) disciplinarian in the house. We knew what we could and could not do and we knew ‘ahead of time what the consequences were for breaking them. Louis’ father was the disciplinarian when he was not ‘off shore’; but, his mother was a ‘love’. She did not know how to drive; but, when it rained, she would take DH to go pick up his newspapers and they would deliver them. He had the largest newspaper route of anybody in Jacksonville, when they were being delivered to the doors. Then, he had to go ‘collect’ for them. His first purchase was a desk. When he and his 1st wife got a divorce, she went over and got it, telling her that was ‘one thing’ she would NOT take away from him. Still have it. It’s a really nice piece. So, we raised our children taking the ‘best’ of what we lived growing up; and, discarding the ‘not so good’. Little eyes are always watching you and they emulate what they see.

No, Sarah, it is good to get it ‘out and off your chest’. I think that all of us have ‘voiced’ our sadness, irritation, hurt, love, frustration, etc., and we are all ‘family’ (the good side). {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Carol – You’re probably right. I think the only person that ‘spent the night’ lived across the street; past that I don’t remember having ‘spend the night’ company. The first person I spent the night with, because I pitched a hissy fit, was with Priscilla G’s brother, J.Ray. It was ‘dark’ as soot when the lights went out. I was a ‘bed-wetter’ well into elementary school. So, Miss Doris told Mother I could stay … even though it was going to be ‘possible’ that I’d wet the bed. I got a pair of his PJs to sleep in. Got a bath, ate supper, and went to bed after playing for a little while. During the night, I woke up needing to go to the bathroom; but, I had absolutely no idea where I was, so I stayed in bed. I wet it; pulled the bottoms off, put my panties on, went to the other side of the bed and rolled him over to what had been ‘my side’ of the bed. After a while it seeped in and he sat up and started screaming for his Mother. We got put in the bathtub while she changed the bed. She never made a big deal out of it, at all. When they were still having “The Bash” … I was there – I think Suzanne, Tommy, Louis and I went with Margaret. I was a bit drunk and went up to him and asked if I could ‘tell his wife’ about ‘being the first boy I ever slept with’. He laughed and told me, ‘go ahead’. I look at her and said, “J.Ray was the first boy I ever slept with!” She had this look on her face that read: “DAMN, I can’t believe you said that to me!” Then, I told her the story. She laughed. Well, the next time there was something where we got together (a reunion or another “Bash”) J.Ray comes up to Louis and tells him that ‘I am the first girl that he ever slept with’. I wanted to drill a hole in the floor. Then, he told Louis the story. It’s stories like that, that I will remember about him. He could tell some of the best stories. That’s the 2nd classmate of mine to pass away the way he did. So sad!

Ginger – My husband AND my sons have always figured out ‘how to do things’. Trey works on the tractor and lawn mower and Will has taught himself all the ‘big equipment’ that his bosses have out there. I can usually ‘figure’ out how I think something ‘ought to look’ and Louis is pretty good at taking my ‘instructions’ and ‘looking at my pictures I have drawn for him’ and he makes it. The ‘only’ thing that he hasn’t done is: Buy and hang my door to my porch. I’ve only been waiting for it for 2 years.

My DDnL#2 sent me the books she had on Dave Ramsey and his books on ‘setting up a budget’. It was an ‘eye-opener’ and came at the ‘right time’ before we did something we would have ‘regretted’. I have set up a budget; working on the ‘snow-ball effect’ on paying bills. She told me that it also had discs to go with it; but, she had loaned it out to a co-worker. When she got them back, one was missing and the others were scratched. I can’t believe that a ‘friend’ would do something like that. I would have offered to buy a new set for her.
How long is that book? It looks like something you could ‘sell’ … I’d like that!

KYKAREN – Yeah, I have the ‘stuff’ to work on the ‘big book of death’ for DH and both boys. I had thought about trying to list things that I wanted each son (and wives) to have; then I realized I was frustrating myself; so the only ‘thing’ I have said was ‘Taylor gets my wedding rings’; Tami gets Mimi’s Hoosier kitchen cabinet (because I know she’ll keep it in the family). Past that point, they have a ‘good relationship’ with one another and the 2 of them can ‘divide’ it up (with NO wives interfering with their decisions). I think our Wills are specific enough. Just the basic “I Love You” mirror Will.
Yep, we’ve got certain songs we’d like our spouse/boys to play at our funerals.

Margaret – I had an ‘over-zealous’ psychologist who thought it was ‘time’ for me to reveal something to my Mother; ‘that I had been sexually abused by the father of a friend of mine’. I told her that I ‘did not want to tell her’. Nothing said would change it; it would have only hurt her that she either did not notice that something was affecting me or she’d be sad that I had not felt comfortable coming to them’. We got in the room and she just ‘blurted it out’. I never went back, it did hurt my Mother (a lot); but, they had moved before anything serious happened (maybe). I got over it insofar as feeling the pain and shame. But, it is a part of my being and therefore I ‘speak my mind’ when it might be better to ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ [no pun intended]. It took me YEARS … before I ‘trusted’ someone. That someone is my DH. As for ‘trust’ issues; I no longer will EVER see ‘any’ doctor who has the ‘god complex’.

Joyce – I’m sorry she got stuck with that ‘nickname’. Girl or boy, still pretty ‘cruel’. But, we live through it – sometimes – most of the time.

Lanette – I know exactly where my senior class ring (which had matched my ‘at the time’ boyfriend’s ring) and my DH’s ‘wedding band’ from his first marriage are: At the bottom of a well on the property that my Daddy grew up on. Splash! Splash! LOL!!!!!

Yeah, I knew what it was like to ‘try NOT to get into trouble’. My Daddy also knew: I drove a 1960 Ford Fairlane – baby blue in color – it ran, it had a working radio, and a working heater. Past that – it was a ‘car’. One of the things I did that I never wanted my parents to find out was: When I-75 ended right above the town I grew up in … one of my BFs and I decided that the ‘dirt’ expressway would definitely be a much short way to get to another friend’s house. It was all packed and ready to be paved. So they had a pile of gravel behind the “Do Not Enter” sign, we got out, moved the sign and I drove up on the gravel – only to get it stuck on the bottom with all 4 wheels up in the air. The workers were just getting off and they were RITDLTAO!!!!! They did get us the predicament we found ourselves in. And, we took the ‘long way around’. LOL!!!!!

Barbie – They have to sedate me to have a MRI.

Lenora

pip - bummer!

Lenora your right you need to be careful who you go for help. Finding the right person or people to help with the burden of carrying such a secret that Sharon and some of the other here is important. You are also right that confronting the person is not always the way towards healing. I know confronting my brother is not the answer for me. What helps me is when I think of him I send him a prayer and wish him well. Will I willingly choose to spend time with him? No, and that is okay.

Margaret

hugs y'all!!
Becca

Naomigood for you. I feel like that exactly, I focus on my stuff and I have trouble doing the rest of my life. Balance is difficult

Sarah, Carol - It may be of no help at all, but I did a lot of research on obesity and first causes before I had my gastric bypass in 2005. Even then, they acknowledged that more than 25 percent of those who are morbidly obese are childhood abuse survivors. Whether sexual, physical or emotional abuse, trauma ripples through our lives. I believe they're finding the numbers are even higher than that. A staggering 73 percent of those who can't deal with the rapid weight loss and end up being hospitalized for psychiatric issues post-bariatric surgery are abuse survivors.

I've told the story here more than once, but reflection, both with and separate from therapy, showed me that I had put my personal fat suit on to protect myself from my father. Until he died in late 2004, I wasn't able to contemplate becoming thin, other than one period in the mid-1990s where I lived in England for three years, half a world away from him. The moment I returned to the U.S., I put the weight right back on.

Essentially, abuse survivors aren't using food as a crutch to soothe our pain, we armor ourselves behind a wall of flesh that feels protective. We feel more imposing, less vulnerable, when we are larger people. And the brain is really, really good at going back to that mode whenever we feel threatened or even stressed. Eventually, food becomes our only coping tool--it's one of the reasons they've identified for those who end up in psychiatric care after they lose a significant amount of weight very quickly from bariatric surgery. They are unable to eat significant amounts in order to cope, and have constructed no other mechanism to deal with stress.

Didn't mean to write a research paper! A lot of what I just wrote about came from a story in The Atlantic. Loved the ending. "She says the abuse will always tug at her, but today its power is diminished. 'That's just stuff that happened to you,' she said. 'It isn't you.'"

Love y'all,
Lisa

Stronglift Rest Day

Kettlebell Swing
Goblet squats-6X5X 35
Russian kettle bell swing-32X7X 35

40lbs loss by May 27 Challenge
Buns, Guns and Abs challenge.
30 squats
Rest day push-ups
35 leg lifts

April move your @$$ Challenge
I am going to take 2-2 mile walks today.

I finally dropped another 0.6 pounds today!



Mary from Minnesota

I have just started the program yesterday, and I am learning to bookmark and manipulate these boards! I love the idea of having all of the support and folks to talk with to support each other! I have previously lost weight. I went from 244 down to 165 over a 2 year period. I have gained back up to 181. I have identified a problem that I have never fixed. I have a bewitching hour between 2 to 6 pm, where I cannot stop eating sweets. Sometimes it is truly uncontrollable! My goal for this month is to try and break that sugar addiction. I will record my food in my fitness pal, I will continue to get 30 active minutes in fit bit 5 x per week, and try to get 8000 steps a day minimum. I am starting day 2 of no processed sugar!

BBRRT wrote: »

Can you respond to a particular post without going to the end of the page?

No, you can hit quote as I just did but it will copy the entire post and will always place it at the bottom of the page. For example, if you are responding to a comment on page 8 and there are 10 pages on the thread, your response will appear at the very end of all comments on page 10.

Welcome to a group of supportive , encouraging ladies. A name we can call you and a location helps us identify you and respond to you more easily. Good job on getting control of the sugar habit now. Hang in there.

Janetr okc

gotu52 wrote: »

Here's what's so hard. My father was very famous. [...] He did great things for many people while his family was neglected in the background. [...] It is hard to live my whole life being told how wonderful my father was when I had a different experience.

Sarah dear heart, thanks for telling your story. It's a situation I can scarcely comprehend, as I felt safe and well cared for throughout my childhood. Honestly, until I was in my late teens, the only family conflicts I knew of were the ones in fairy tales.

The sentences I've quoted bring to mind the working title of Heather's memoir: "Such a nice man". As others have mentioned, versions of your experience are shared by several of the beautiful women on this thread. Whenever I hear about them, it reminds me how lucky I am.

My back is hurting me now so I'm going out for a walk in the hope of producing some endorphins. Even if the grandchildren are coming in tomorrow evening, I'm not going to be rearranging furniture and putting sheets on the daybeds anytime soon.

/Penny, in a bit of pain at the North Pole