I feel like a parenting failure
Replies
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abitoftrouble wrote: »It sounds like maybe you've made your decision as far as taking any advice and the kids pretty much run the show. That's going to be fun when they are teens. I wish you the very best of luck.
Could have just copied and pasted whatever people eventually end up saying in my threads and saved you the trouble of typing it, lol.
Unfortunately, I'm not really one to start threads unless I've pretty much tried everything that people I know have recommended... so of course people are going to give the same advice, although I guess I should just ignore the replies from now on instead of saying that we tried it, it doesn't work, or it wouldn't work because our family doesn't work that way (or maybe it didn't occur to you that my kids are different).
I actually got some good suggestions by PM though, so I'll give that one a shot.
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1. He is not going to fix this on his own. You and your husband have to intervene.
2. No child ever died from boredom. If you take away access the electronics (and, yes, this has to be consistent), he *will* find other things to do.
3. There will be whining, maybe even defiance. But you have a very narrow window to turn this around before he gets older and stronger and things escalate.
4. This can get better, but you and your husband have to really and truly believe it can. Good luck.3 -
Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.0 -
I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned... but instead of taking everything away which will probably just push him to want it more, I would try enrolling him into physical activities. For one, it will give him something to do that will boost his self-confidence and make him socialize more, it might also help regulate his sleep patterns since he most likely won't have the energy to stay up all night anyways.
I think with bad habits, you can't just stop, you have to replace it with something good.
Being a parent is never easy, good luck!! oxox2 -
PS- It sucks this is happening. The internet can be such a wonderful tool, but it also can be so damn addictive...0 -
I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned... but instead of taking everything away which will probably just push him to want it more, I would try enrolling him into physical activities. For one, it will give him something to do that will boost his self-confidence and make him socialize more, it might also help regulate his sleep patterns since he most likely won't have the energy to stay up all night anyways.
I think with bad habits, you can't just stop, you have to replace it with something good.
Being a parent is never easy, good luck!! oxox
I'll look into signing him up for something in September, we're kinda stuck right now anyway... maybe it will give him time to figure out what he wants to do *sigh*.
He has scouts once a week and spends every Sunday afternoon with his friends (and scout activities are starting on Saturdays now too).
Of course it doesn't help that getting them in bed every night is a NIGHTMARE already, and that any activity that gets them home past 7.30pm pretty much guarantees that they won't get enough sleep (and it's a big struggle to get them to do their homework BEFORE activities start too).
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Change the passwords on all your devices and take the tv to a friend or family members for a bit. Your husband will just have to go without for the sake of your child too. Don't give in to cries of boredom either. It's not a bad thing. It actually encourages the creative mind. Good luck.1
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I think youre giving him too many choices to make on his own. He's the child, not you. So what if he complains? Just ignore him lol The internet can be the devil at times. I have a 12 yo step daughter and her school gave them all laptops they have to carry back and forth to school everyday and she's up all hours of the night on it. (She lives with her mom, not us) and is always saying how she's she up until 2am watching tv. Her mom allows that behavior so she keeps doing it, we do not allow that behavior at our house. Idc if its summer break, a weekend, or anything. Good luck though! It will all work out
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cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?1 -
I would lock up the controls and power cords, plus put a LOUD motion sensor at his door, so you can get up and put him right back into his room when he gets up at night. I would let him know there will be NO TV or video games AT ALL until he learns to stay in his room at night. I would find him some activities, to do as well. When my little is bored and whiney, sometimes I take him outside and just set him on the steps. He can sit there and be bored, or he can go play. Sometimes I do that inside as well. Set him on the rug with legos, and give him the option of sitting there quietly or playing with them, I don't care. Granted he's only 6, though.0
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Honestly, get counseling. For BOTH your son and you and your husband. Start with a recommendation from his school. Your husband and you need to decide that you will do WHATEVER is necessary to get control of your son.
There's an old saying, "The last step is never a big one." IOW, the seeds of this were growing for a LONG time, and quite honestly, your husband and you were letting them grow. By age 9, a child should immediately obey parents. Our son had an instant addiction to video games (like 15 years ago!), and we cut him down to one hour a week on Friday evenings. He obeyed and went back to reading books as he had always done. Our children never had computers in the rooms nor had a cell phone except at school for emergencies. But, we had to explain why and go over that a lot so that they didn't give up their lives to these time-wasting addictions.
Please, please, get counseling for all of you. Painful? yes. Limits your freedoms for a while? yes. worth it in the long run? ABSOLUTELY.
God bless,
Pastor Bill7 -
What about this, cant lock your TV away, what about a padlock or something on the power cord? or just take the power cord to your bedroom each night.
This!! I do this when my son is grounded from TV/electronics. I just put a lock on all the plugs (you can get little luggage locks at Wal-Mart, comes in a pack of 4). Eventually all the electronics die. and cannot be charged until he is ungrounded.2 -
I just wonder if there is a victorious feeling he's getting - a release/relief - when he wins by finding a way to do something he knows he's not allowed to do. And that rush is greater than whatever consequence you've delivered? If that is the case, I wonder if there is something healthier he may get into and get a rush from that isn't so harmful. In other words, if he feels something positive from watching/sneaking Minecraft videos, would some other activity provide the same rush? Maybe it's an outdoor activity, game, something socially interactive? Just some thoughts...he's getting something from the whole ritual of sneaking and rewarding himself that you've got to find a way to replicate with a healthier behavior. There's something he needs and this is the only way he's found to make his brain feel the happies. Maybe that's why he's defying you. And if now there seems to be some reward in the defiance, too...it becomes a vicious cycle.
For sure, you are not a failure. You just have a really significant challenge to work through.0 -
I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned... but instead of taking everything away which will probably just push him to want it more, I would try enrolling him into physical activities. For one, it will give him something to do that will boost his self-confidence and make him socialize more, it might also help regulate his sleep patterns since he most likely won't have the energy to stay up all night anyways.
I think with bad habits, you can't just stop, you have to replace it with something good.
Being a parent is never easy, good luck!! oxox
I'll look into signing him up for something in September, we're kinda stuck right now anyway... maybe it will give him time to figure out what he wants to do *sigh*.
He has scouts once a week and spends every Sunday afternoon with his friends (and scout activities are starting on Saturdays now too).
Of course it doesn't help that getting them in bed every night is a NIGHTMARE already, and that any activity that gets them home past 7.30pm pretty much guarantees that they won't get enough sleep (and it's a big struggle to get them to do their homework BEFORE activities start too).
Damn. Those are all good points. I think you're doing your best already dear. Have you tried sitting down and having an ''adult'' talk with him and explaining to him why you want this for him and try to lead him to think for himself that he might not want to either? He might feel important being talked to with honesty. Sometimes we think they are too young and we just say ''because'', but this society is already making them grow up to fast, so we kinda have to keep up. And like others suggested, if it gets to that point take the cable to bed with you!
I am a pretty strict parent too regarding electronics and in general as well, my kids are only 3yo and 1yo so far, but it will come soon enough! HANG IN THERE MAMA!! ♥0 -
By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.10
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abitoftrouble wrote: »It sounds like maybe you've made your decision as far as taking any advice and the kids pretty much run the show. That's going to be fun when they are teens. I wish you the very best of luck.
Could have just copied and pasted whatever people eventually end up saying in my threads and saved you the trouble of typing it, lol.
Unfortunately, I'm not really one to start threads unless I've pretty much tried everything that people I know have recommended... so of course people are going to give the same advice, although I guess I should just ignore the replies from now on instead of saying that we tried it, it doesn't work, or it wouldn't work because our family doesn't work that way (or maybe it didn't occur to you that my kids are different).
I actually got some good suggestions by PM though, so I'll give that one a shot.
I'm glad you got some good advice that will hopefully help!
I just wanted to piggyback on what someone else said about parental controls. We got a new router with controls built in. I can set on and off hours for any device individually, or turn them off completely. I can also block specific websites at any time I choose All from an app on my phone. I wouldn't be above waiting for him to sneak out and then blocking YouTube right under his nose. Not the most mature parenting tactic but 9yo boys are infuriating little creatures. I've had 2. In my experience, it gets worse until about 11, then they start showing signs of being human again
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By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!0 -
How about something like this https://koalasafe.com/. It will give you an extreme level of control over who can go where using the router in your home.0
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I know it is out of fashion, but after disobeying of this magnitude and grounding me didn't work, my dad would have sat me down, talked to me about why this was so important that I respect that he has my best interest in mind and then he would have spanked my rear and I would have never done that again.
Counseling because your kid doesn't mind at 9 years old?? Seems to me that will cause a future problem in that now the precedent is set that every decision involving the welfare of your child that he disagrees with must involve a 3rd party to overrule or solidify your authority. This is just a phase and you have to do whatever it takes to assert your obligation as a parent to make the best decisions for your child. If he were getting up at 4 am to guzzle coke or eat cookies, you would quit buying that stuff so he couldn't even if it meant that you couldn't have it anymore. What if he was watching porn at 9 years old? If that means that you have to unhook the router and lock up the remotes, even without the help of your husband then you must do so. Parenting is never convenient.
(And by the way i completely respect families that make the decision to not spank. But I also understand that in some cases there is a necessary time for appropriate and reasonable corporal punishment reserved for serious acts of defiance or endangerment to their welfare, and so I respect that decision as well)3 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
That averages out to 14.5 posts a day. So yeah.... Monkey see, Monkey do...4 -
billvau wrote: »
By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
DeficitDuchess: She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
Oh my. you're serious with your comment. She's AVERAGED 15 posts per day for 4 years, 4 months! ON a tiny corner of the web in the middle of nowhere - a website for counting calories. To do 15 posts and the associated reading would mean an average of a couple of hours per day. For 4 years, 4 months! Seriously. Harsh reality - our children get a PHD in being just like us. I like to say, "The best thing about my children is that they are just like me. And, the worst thing about my children is that they are just like me."
23,886 posts ANYWHERE, for ANY TIME on the web, on one site is HUGE. That's a major time investment is small-talk and is a HUGE time sink - time waster.
Pastor Bill5 -
And also, don't feel like a parenting fail. If you feel like you are failing, it is because you are trying so hard already. They have mind of their own and we can only do our best to raise them.0
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DeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
So 24000 in say 4 years works out to be about 16 posts per day... that seems like a fair bit to me!
I have been here since 2009 and have 11,000, about 4/day on average.0 -
Take it all away. If you and your husband want to watch a show, do it. The kid either watches it with you or entertains himself. After you're done, take the cords with you. Change the internet password or unplug the router and take that cord with you too. Get a lock box for the cords at night. Clearly what you're doing now isn't working at all. Enforce boundaries. When you say no, it means no.
My parents were a big fan of grounding and spanking and although it worked for me, I'm betting your kid would hit you back at this point. He doesn't respect your authority or your rules.6 -
texasleahgirl wrote: »I know it is out of fashion, but after disobeying of this magnitude and grounding me didn't work, my dad would have sat me down, talked to me about why this was so important that I respect that he has my best interest in mind and then he would have spanked my rear and I would have never done that again.
Counseling because your kid doesn't mind at 9 years old?? Seems to me that will cause a future problem in that now the precedent is set that every decision involving the welfare of your child that he disagrees with must involve a 3rd party to overrule or solidify your authority. This is just a phase and you have to do whatever it takes to assert your obligation as a parent to make the best decisions for your child. If he were getting up at 4 am to guzzle coke or eat cookies, you would quit buying that stuff so he couldn't even if it meant that you couldn't have it anymore. What if he was watching porn at 9 years old? If that means that you have to unhook the router and lock up the remotes, even without the help of your husband then you must do so. Parenting is never convenient.
(And by the way i completely respect families that make the decision to not spank. But I also understand that in some cases there is a necessary time for appropriate and reasonable corporal punishment reserved for serious acts of defiance or endangerment to their welfare, and so I respect that decision as well)
Actually most, serious acts of; defiance & endangerment're a direct result of, the child previously; being spanked! I've seen many, children hit; their parent because their parent hit, them 1st and/or the child did something dangerous to; actually get hit because the child was so, desperate for their neglectful parent to; pay attention to them!0 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
That averages out to 14.5 posts a day. So yeah.... Monkey see, Monkey do...billvau wrote: »
By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
DeficitDuchess: She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
Oh my. you're serious with your comment. She's AVERAGED 15 posts per day for 4 years, 4 months! ON a tiny corner of the web in the middle of nowhere - a website for counting calories. To do 15 posts and the associated reading would mean an average of a couple of hours per day. For 4 years, 4 months! Seriously. Harsh reality - our children get a PHD in being just like us. I like to say, "The best thing about my children is that they are just like me. And, the worst thing about my children is that they are just like me."
23,886 posts ANYWHERE, for ANY TIME on the web, on one site is HUGE. That's a major time investment is small-talk and is a HUGE time sink - time waster.
Pastor BillDeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
So 24000 in say 4 years works out to be about 16 posts per day... that seems like a fair bit to me!
I have been here since 2009 and have 11,000, about 4/day on average.
How's figuring the math of, someone else's post count not; a waste of time?1 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
It's interesting seeing how your family does things! Thanks for sharing!1 -
We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).
You're giving your kids too many choices. My parents didn't "offer" to take us on a walk, to the park, or on a family bike ride. If I didn't want to go? Too bad, it's family bike ride time here's your helmet. If I whined and complained the whole time? My parents ignored me and talked amongst themselves while I sulked. Eventually my behaviour modified because the buttons I was trying to push weren't working and I wasn't getting anything I wanted.
Good luck
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
Good points! I hadn't thought of it this way. 2
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