Good Bad Jokes
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What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white.... ?
A penguin rolling down a hill.1 -
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin that pushed him.1 -
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.5
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.1
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Deep in the heart of the amazon there is a tribe of people called the trids. The trids live a peaceful life and every so often they send a scout to a nearby village. There is a bridge leading up to the village and a guard that stands watch. Each time a trid comes up to the bridge, the guard kicks him off. Over the years the trids had become more and more worried about going until one day an old Rabbi came across the tribe. They told him about the bridge and he bravely volunteered to go. He came to the bridge and walked across and the guard let him in. "Aren't you going to kick me off the bridge?" Asked the Rabbi.
The guard replied "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"1 -
After decades of being on his own, a man decides to visit his childhood home. The family currently living there was very nice and let him look around. He told them which room had been his and what vases he remembered being where and things like that. He asked the family if he could check out the attic and they obliged. He goes up and is awestruck to see high school memorabilia, there's his game winning football, his high school year books, and his letterman's jacket!
He tried it on and was amazed to find it still fit him! Smiling he put his hands in his pocket, only to find a shoe repair ticket.
He decided to see if they had the shoes still and went to the shoe repair shop and turned in his ticket. The clerk looked at it and his eyes grew wide "It's you! It's been so long! So many years! Your shoes will be ready in two weeks"0 -
Riffraft1960 wrote: »Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
That actually made me laugh out loud! Love this thread!0 -
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Patricia Whack works at a bank. One day there was a frog who came in. "I need 10,000 dollars so I can buy a sports car." Patricia, now very confused, says to the frog "for a loan of that size we will need some collateral" the frog pulls out a snow globe and sets it on the counter. Patricia tells the frog that she can't accept the snow globe as collateral. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? MY DAD IS MICK JAGGER! HOW DARE YOU DENY ME, GET THE MANAGER!"
So Patricia get her manager and explains the situation to him, asks what she should do about the snow globe and he tells her
"It's a knick knack, Patty whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone"1 -
I got arrested by the police last night but they clearly got the wrong person....they kept calling me Duncan Disorderly!!!1
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the lights in my local Chinese restaurant were too bright.....so the waiter had to dim sum!!0
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just had the police do a spot check on me....they found a mole and 2 whiteheads!!0
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just bought an 8mm uzi......its so small I cant use it!!0
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my car keeps getting clamped.....I think it must have parking zones disease!!0
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I wouldn't say I'm a sore loser but I prefer playing SNAP with someone with a stammer!!0
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I've been so depressed lately that my girlfriend threatened to leave me.....even that didn't cheer me up!!0
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Elton John doesn't eat just any kind of lettuce.....he's a rocket man!!0
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I woke up to find an aeroplane outside my bedroom door.....I must of left the landing light on!!1
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A cop pulls over an old lady driving a 1963 Cadillac convertible with 17 penguins in the backseat. He says, "Lady, I have to ask you to take these penguins back to the zoo!"
She says, "Oh no...we went to the zoo yesterday. Today we're going to the beach!"2 -
What's blue and smells like red paint?0
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Blue paintvikinglander wrote: »What's blue and smells like red paint?
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standenvernet wrote: »
Blue paintvikinglander wrote: »What's blue and smells like red paint?
DING! DING! DING! tell him what he's won, Johnny!0 -
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?This is largely due to the cat’s powerful hind legs, and the fact that houses can’t jump.2
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes1 -
If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how long does it take a monkey with a wooden leg (named Bobo) to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
Four minutes, 'cause ice cubes don't have bones...(what was the name of his other leg??)
Can you tell I'm a father? These are all jokes I remember from when my daughter was young...she groans at my jokes now!
I'm afraid to tell any of my really good ones because I don't want the moderators to get their shorts in a knot...anything that's too "adult" sets off alarms and get me 'points'! The first time I saw that I went looking for a prize list to see how many points I had to accumulate for a home gym...0 -
You know why teenage girls are always in odd numbered groups?
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.Because they "Can't Even."8 -
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer walk by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.1 -
Don't let this die you guys1
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my giraffe costume only got me 2nd place at a fancy dress contest......I may not have won but at least I can hold my head up high!!2
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today I've decided to burn a load of calories.....so I'm setting fire to a fat kid!!0
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