I feel like a parenting failure

snowflake954 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

Gimsteinn1 wrote: »

Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.

And again read bloody studies on the matter.

Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.

I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.

I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.

Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?

And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.

However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?

No I am not an Italian mother, but I am a mother, and I have been to beaches and observed behavior by children. Which does include sand, water and balls, and sometimes even pets. Granted, they were beach balls, not soccer balls. Are you saying the children intentionally hit you in the face with a soccer ball?

Sure it does--and there's the right place for all that, and it's not 3 meters back from the water where the umbrellas are and the paying customers trying to relax. Here soccer is the national sport and young boys go nuts (mine went through the stage) and play wherever they can. These 7-14 yr olds pack a kick you wouldn't believe. Do they kick the ball in my face on purpose? No, but they know they're not to play there, and in the heat of the game.... My boys did it too, but I got up off my butt and told them to go in the water where it's allowed. I didn't wait for the lifeguard to have to do it. I didn't pretend I didn't know them. I notice these kids never play in front of their parents--funny that.

I am sorry that they are not obeying the rules, but it really is kind of off topic from the OP's issue with her son.

She is turning to her peers to perhaps get some helpful ideas on how to resolve this issue with her son. She has done a lot of different things to try to solve this and he finds ways to get around her. It is affecting his school work and disrupting the family as well.

Oh, sorry, I thought the discussion had to do with discipline, childrens behaviour(not obeying rules), and going behind her back to find the remote she hid. Of course I hope the OP can resolve this issue (hopefully with the help of her husband) as quickly as possible.

Sorry, I see a huge difference. You claim that these Italian children are getting no discipline from their parents. She is disciplining her son. He is defying her at every turn.

I read about half of the responses, so I'm sorry if this was already provided as an answer.

My advice would be to structure his screen time and to partake in screen time with him. There is nothing wrong with being interested in television shows or video games as long is those interests are explored in moderation. Don't automatically shut him down or shut down his interest, try to better understand his interests and get into them. We take the television show that my son loves and my husband and I get into it by dressing up as the characters for Halloween, throwing parties with the theme of the show for birthdays, and so on. He's much younger than your son, but I hope to continue to partake in my sons interests as he gets older.

Then, after having your designated screen time (maybe an hour or so), he doesn't have an option but to do something else. This can be drawing, painting, reading, playing outside, sports, or anything else he wants to do without screen time. One of my cousins used to be addicted to screen time and one of the things his parents did to get him away from the television was have him start cooking dinner for the family. They had him follow the directions in cookbooks and work on his culinary skills and he ended up loving it. He is still into watching TV and playing video games but a lot of the TV he watches now is Food Network. This strategy made it so that he was helping around the house, it taught him a new skill, and it took him away from the screens.

As far as stopping him from getting into trouble in the middle of the night, I agree that you should take the router and put it in your bedroom. Another additional option is to put bells around his door knob or even attach them to his mattress. My parents did this for me growing up because I have epilepsy and would sometime sleepwalk. The bells helped wake them up so they could check on me. If you hear the bells ringing you know that he is getting up, and possibly getting into trouble, and you can immediately intervene. A few nights of this, and I imagine he will stop getting out of bed in the middle of the night. If he tries to remove the bells, you can literally sew them into his mattress or to the fitted sheet on his bed.

Beyond all of this, it does not sound like you and your husband are on the same page, so I would suggest working on that before you start trying to implement new strategies with your children. Both partners need to be on the same page for any of the strategies to work.

I know from the first page you (OP) said that you weren't too keen on trying to get him into sports that cost $300 only for him to not like it, but try and go to your local library and see what free programs are available in your neighborhood. My mother was always shuttling me and my sister to activities that were free or low-cost, some that were more expensive ended up having scholarships that weren't exactly advertised.

I also saw you say that you don't want to get rid of the TV/computer outright because you're a SAHM and you'd be bored/the tv is what you and your husband watch together for about an hour or so at night, but if it were me I may bite the bullet and get rid of it. I'd hate to see my child addicted to electronics so much they're sneaking out of bed at 4am to watch youtube etc. If you want him to find hobbies/things to do that are healthier, then you might have to take the lead. Find something you might enjoy in the interim, what did you do before the internet was in everyone's households? I used to do a lot of handicrafts (knitting, crocheting). Pick up a book, do some paper puzzles. He doesn't like board games? Tell him he's a game master and y'all make up your own game, or play D&D (where you have to use a lot of your imagination). Or send him and his sister outside in the yard or the park and just run up and down until he's tired.

I don't have any children yet, but a young nephew and I see how zoned out he gets when I put on PBS or he asks me to turn my computer on. I'm almost (really) afraid of what I'll end up having to do when my children get here. I don't want to see them addicted/zoned out like that to a computer and hardly wanting to converse with people.

Good luck OP.

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

Everyone talking about spanking being child abuse wouldn't know actual child abuse if it broke their arm. I have been the victim of child abuse. I have also been spanked. Those are two very different things. GTFO with that BS.

Sorry you were abused.
It is not acceptable to use physical force against anyone. If you are an adult, act like one and don't teach children that it is ok to abuse (physically or verbally) anyone. There are other ways to discipline children.

And, there seems to be anger in your response, perhaps a result of abuse? Just saying.

Thanks for trying to be my therapist. Fortunately for me, I actually have a good therapist. More to do with military service than anything but feel free to make any assumptions you like. I'll just sit here and smile knowing my kids will never behave like the ones I get to mentor daily. That's the difference between us I guess. One of us will just agree that kids will be kids and there's no changing that, the other will make sure kids are held to a standard.

But unless you're with your kid 24 hours a day, how do you know? Working in a school, I get to see middle school kids act the way they want and feel and many of them act like angels around their parents, but on the school yard..............not even close.
Hell I was spanked and both my parents retired from the military. In my teens I started to hang out with the trouble makers (which they didn't know) and could have gone the wrong direction had we not moved.
I chose not to go with physical punishment. The worst thing my kid hasdone in school is get a bad grade in social studies. It can work. One just has to be vigilant and consistent with consequence.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

ninerbuff wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

Everyone talking about spanking being child abuse wouldn't know actual child abuse if it broke their arm. I have been the victim of child abuse. I have also been spanked. Those are two very different things. GTFO with that BS.

Sorry you were abused.
It is not acceptable to use physical force against anyone. If you are an adult, act like one and don't teach children that it is ok to abuse (physically or verbally) anyone. There are other ways to discipline children.

And, there seems to be anger in your response, perhaps a result of abuse? Just saying.

Thanks for trying to be my therapist. Fortunately for me, I actually have a good therapist. More to do with military service than anything but feel free to make any assumptions you like. I'll just sit here and smile knowing my kids will never behave like the ones I get to mentor daily. That's the difference between us I guess. One of us will just agree that kids will be kids and there's no changing that, the other will make sure kids are held to a standard.

But unless you're with your kid 24 hours a day, how do you know? Working in a school, I get to see middle school kids act the way they want and feel and many of them act like angels around their parents, but on the school yard..............not even close.
Hell I was spanked and both my parents retired from the military. In my teens I started to hang out with the trouble makers (which they didn't know) and could have gone the wrong direction had we not moved.
I chose not to go with physical punishment. The worst thing my kid hasdone in school is get a bad grade in social studies. It can work. One just has to be vigilant and consistent with consequence.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I know what my kids do because we are really close. I know the people my kid associates with because I am with my kids. I know their teachers, friends, and friends parents. So I don't need to wonder. Like I said, I haven't spanked my kids in a very long time. I don't need to. The foundation has been set. I routinely get compliments from people in all places about how well behaved and respectful my kids are. Proud dad just smiles and says thank you Ma'am/ Sir.

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

ninerbuff wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

3rdof7sisters wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

Everyone talking about spanking being child abuse wouldn't know actual child abuse if it broke their arm. I have been the victim of child abuse. I have also been spanked. Those are two very different things. GTFO with that BS.

Sorry you were abused.
It is not acceptable to use physical force against anyone. If you are an adult, act like one and don't teach children that it is ok to abuse (physically or verbally) anyone. There are other ways to discipline children.

And, there seems to be anger in your response, perhaps a result of abuse? Just saying.

Thanks for trying to be my therapist. Fortunately for me, I actually have a good therapist. More to do with military service than anything but feel free to make any assumptions you like. I'll just sit here and smile knowing my kids will never behave like the ones I get to mentor daily. That's the difference between us I guess. One of us will just agree that kids will be kids and there's no changing that, the other will make sure kids are held to a standard.

But unless you're with your kid 24 hours a day, how do you know? Working in a school, I get to see middle school kids act the way they want and feel and many of them act like angels around their parents, but on the school yard..............not even close.
Hell I was spanked and both my parents retired from the military. In my teens I started to hang out with the trouble makers (which they didn't know) and could have gone the wrong direction had we not moved.
I chose not to go with physical punishment. The worst thing my kid hasdone in school is get a bad grade in social studies. It can work. One just has to be vigilant and consistent with consequence.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I know what my kids do because we are really close. I know the people my kid associates with because I am with my kids. I know their teachers, friends, and friends parents. So I don't need to wonder. Like I said, I haven't spanked my kids in a very long time. I don't need to. The foundation has been set. I routinely get compliments from people in all places about how well behaved and respectful my kids are. Proud dad just smiles and says thank you Ma'am/ Sir.

Well then that's a good thing. Lots of parents today expect the school system to be the babysitter and corrector of behavior of their kids and it's just a reflection of how it is at home.
My personal belief is that as parent, kids will inspect what you expect and that the parent will set the standards for how the child will usually behave. Kids just follow what they see and are allowed. And they will go as far as they can to see what's allowable.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

abitoftrouble wrote: »

I love how this has now become a pissing match of whose kid is better than whose thanks to their own parenting style.
I am one of four siblings. One is an engineer, one is a respiratory therapist, one is a stay at home mom and one is a meth addict. Did we get spanked or didn't we?

How about: guess which one is the oldest and the youngest?

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

abitoftrouble wrote: »

MrStabbems wrote: »

Eng Meth Home Therapist? Old > Young

Oldest to youngest
Therapist
Junkie
Mom
Engineer

With spankings

2 out of 4, not bad! I'd just have to say, nurture only goes so far, unfortunately.

abitoftrouble wrote: »

I love how this has now become a pissing match of whose kid is better than whose thanks to their own parenting style.
I am one of four siblings. One is an engineer, one is a respiratory therapist, one is a stay at home mom and one is a meth addict. Did we get spanked or didn't we?

Doesn't matter a bit how they turned out. There is personal choice, even for children.
The point is that spanking is not a lesson that should be taught to children. EVER.
There are other ways of discipline, and resolving issues. Consistency and united enforcement of the discipline from the adults that are actually raising the child are key. Children will always push boundaries. It is up to us to provide consistency and to show the child the consequences will be enforced. ALWAYS. And that it doesn't have to be abuse. Teach a child consequences for behavior by hitting is teaching them that physical force for problem solving is ok.