Ladies - Receiving Unwanted "Attention"
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cmriverside wrote: »WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
How about not complimenting, how about just talking about neutral subjects? Or at least subjects that don't involve how someone looks or your attraction to them.
I mean, c'mon, we're talking about interrupting someone who is obviously out for a run or something not-related-to-looking-for-company.
Compliments are personal and are appropriate after you've been talking to someone for a while. Not strangers.
So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!0 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
The middle of a workout is not the time to break the ice. A quick nod or hand wave to somebody passing by is fine. But more than that is too much. You wouldn't stop and approach somebody to break the ice if you saw him/her mowing the lawn because clearly that person is busy doing something. The person who is jogging/walking/cycling/lifting weights is busy too so don't interrupt.15 -
The same way woman justify these behaviors.Strong_Savannah wrote: »Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
I've had much worse while running, and have been groped many times at the gym.
It's uncalled for and ridiculous but it's not just men, it's individuals who think it's okay.
Look, I promised to stop groping you, it just dat *kitten* tho4 -
You appear to the casual observer to be one of the "sheep" so the wolves mark you as prey.
It is about body language mostly, especially with women.
It revolves around how you are carrying yourself and the attitude you are projecting.
If you want the wolves to leave you alone, look like one of the sheepdogs instead of a sheep.
Those clowns will not stop because they feel safe, empowered and in control.
Some of them may even think they are flattering you to get a date.
You on the other hand come across as a victim, even in this post.
My wife (who has fought several grown men full-contact and been in more than one altercation while out drinking in bars) calls it a "perpetual b1tch-face". Move and look like you don't want people messing with you and many won't.
Of course, being able to back that up helps with your self-confidence.
My wife may be a little too eager to start stuff sometimes...
Full Disclosure: I have taught Personal Protection, Combatives and Defensive Tactics for about 30 years.20 -
Compliments are first and foremost, polite - it's not polite to interrupt someone when they are in the middle of something. Exceptions can be made for people who need help.
It's not polite to stare or gawk.
Say hi, nice weather, or other standard 2 sec in passing topics, then move along. This assumes you are a nearby pedestrian, there is absolutely no polite way to yell at someone from a vehicle or from a distance.
Unless you are lost or in need of medical assistance, you should not be interrupting someone's workout.7 -
I just wanted to add that it can often be "hard" to do this. It's frightening/horrible/sad/infuriating etc... to know you need to resort to survival instincts to protect yourself just for being out in public. I, as many of you I'm sure, have had some men get physically aggressive if you "disrespect" them. Perfecting user Kullerva's "thousand yard stare that will peel paint" is a good thing to practice. In the end, the ugly reality is "might makes right" so we have to make our way carefully. I raised my daughter a little differently than I was raised - at 22 she just earned her black belt in Tai Kwon Do.4
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I deal with this quite often. I find any response whether it's positive or negative makes them want to engage more with me and/or they become more aggressive which can be a little scary. Plus it's not worth my energy. I'd rather save it for my workout.
Keeping my headphones in my ear, ignoring and keeping it moving works for me.
It's a shame though. I've gotten some great really great random compliments and I'm really friendly but when I respond back some try to get a conversation going or try to get my number.
Sometimes I might smile and say thanks and stay moving if I think it's sincere but for the most part I have to ignore.2 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
How about not complimenting, how about just talking about neutral subjects? Or at least subjects that don't involve how someone looks or your attraction to them.
I mean, c'mon, we're talking about interrupting someone who is obviously out for a run or something not-related-to-looking-for-company.
Compliments are personal and are appropriate after you've been talking to someone for a while. Not strangers.
So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!
Compliments aren't the same as breaking the ice (especially ones on physical appearance/fitness, which, let's face it, is all you've got to go on for a random stranger out for a run). It's not making a lonely and boring world for it not to be polite to yell "nice <bodypart>" at a randomer as they zoom past. It'd be lonely and boring if it wasn't polite to strike up a brief conversation about the weather/lateness of the bus/current events on public transport and gentle meanders through the park, but that's quite different. Leave the busy folks to it - and be nice to the ones who maybe would appreciate a natter
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WorkerDrone83 wrote: »So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!
You can break the ice without seeing someone regularly. It's just not a good idea to interrupt someone's workout. I would prefer not to be hit on at the gym, but if you could catch me before or after my workout I wouldn't be as frustrated as if you stopped me mid run. You don't have to say anything witty or try and compliment me. A simple "hi, I'm so and so and I was wondering if you would like to grab lunch/coffee/etc. sometime?" would suffice.1 -
Check out this article printed in Runner's World a few months ago: https://www.runnersworld.com/running-while-female It's a good read, and very accurate. A lot of men don't even realize the harassment/abuse women get while running - which amazes me. I've had a few encounters as well. I don't appreciate it. Crazy you have to worry about your personal safety when you just want to get a run in.8
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You appear to the casual observer to be one of the "sheep" so the wolves mark you as prey.
It is about body language mostly, especially with women.
It revolves around how you are carrying yourself and the attitude you are projecting.
If you want the wolves to leave you alone, look like one of the sheepdogs instead of a sheep.
Those clowns will not stop because they feel safe, empowered and in control.
Some of them may even think they are flattering you to get a date.
You on the other hand come across as a victim, even in this post.
My wife (who has fought several grown men full-contact and been in more than one altercation while out drinking in bars) calls it a "perpetual b1tch-face". Move and look like you don't want people messing with you and many won't.
Of course, being able to back that up helps with your self-confidence.
My wife may be a little too eager to start stuff sometimes...
Full Disclosure: I have taught Personal Protection, Combatives and Defensive Tactics for about 30 years.
I agree with what you are saying, but I'm not sure how I can possibly display sheep-like body language when I am running at like a 9min pace, sweating - I am certainly NOT smiling. Guess I just have to remember, shoulders back, gaze forward. Generally I do have a RBF in public, though.4 -
You can take issue with human psychology all you want. I don't care.TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I take issue with your language used here because this is coming off as, "if you just didn't look so approachable they'd stop."
No. She's not the issue. It's them.
Besides, I did not say they (as in all) would stop. I said many would.
Argue it all you want. This is what I do.
You will not change the wolves into puppies just because you don't like them.
But you can make them more likely to pick other prey.
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rainbow198 wrote: »I deal with this quite often. I find any response whether it's positive or negative makes them want to engage more with me and/or they become more aggressive which can be a little scary. Plus it's not worth my energy. I'd rather save it for my workout.
Keeping my headphones in my ear, ignoring and keeping it moving works for me.
It's a shame though. I've gotten some great really great random compliments, but when I respond back they've try to get a conversation going or try to get my number.
Sometimes I might smile and say thanks and stay moving if I think it's sincere but for the most part I have to ignore.
I would love to have a quick-response/reaction such as what @zuzurillo and @MotherOfSharpei have said, but I tend to not engage as well.0 -
Check out this article printed in Runner's World a few months ago: https://www.runnersworld.com/running-while-female It's a good read, and very accurate. A lot of men don't even realize the harassment/abuse women get while running - which amazes me. I've had a few encounters as well. I don't appreciate it. Crazy you have to worry about your personal safety when you just want to get a run in.
I don't think a lot of men realize the type of harassment/abuse women get while just living their lives.
This type of thing has happened to me while I've been out grocery shopping, on a walk, running errands, etc. It's not limited to encounters while just out exercising and while it does happen more often when I'm alone I've had it happen when I'm with female friends as well. Once in college a guy tried to force me and my roommate into his truck.
It's sad, but there are certain things I do and don't do as a woman in order to ensure my personal safety.6 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »You appear to the casual observer to be one of the "sheep" so the wolves mark you as prey.
It is about body language mostly, especially with women.
It revolves around how you are carrying yourself and the attitude you are projecting.
If you want the wolves to leave you alone, look like one of the sheepdogs instead of a sheep.
Those clowns will not stop because they feel safe, empowered and in control.
Some of them may even think they are flattering you to get a date.
You on the other hand come across as a victim, even in this post.
My wife (who has fought several grown men full-contact and been in more than one altercation while out drinking in bars) calls it a "perpetual b1tch-face". Move and look like you don't want people messing with you and many won't.
Of course, being able to back that up helps with your self-confidence.
My wife may be a little too eager to start stuff sometimes...
Full Disclosure: I have taught Personal Protection, Combatives and Defensive Tactics for about 30 years.
I take issue with your language used here because this is coming off as, "if you just didn't look so approachable they'd stop."
No. She's not the issue. It's them.
Thank you for beating me to it...There is no reason a woman should have to frown her way through life just to not be harassed. I DO agree in taking responsibility for how you allow people to treat you, but no one should pretend their positivity away for someone else to be an aHole.
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WorkerDrone83 wrote: »So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!
You can break the ice without seeing someone regularly. It's just not a good idea to interrupt someone's workout. I would prefer not to be hit on at the gym, but if you could catch me before or after my workout I wouldn't be as frustrated as if you stopped me mid run. You don't have to say anything witty or try and compliment me. A simple "hi, I'm so and so and I was wondering if you would like to grab lunch/coffee/etc. sometime?" would suffice.
Exactly. IF a person truly had sincere, heart-felt interest to compliment/approach/introduce themselves to someone, then they would also think of the situation and context and notice when it would be an appropriate time to do so. Not interrupting someone.3 -
You can take issue with human psychology all you want. I don't care.TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I take issue with your language used here because this is coming off as, "if you just didn't look so approachable they'd stop."
No. She's not the issue. It's them.
Besides, I did not say they (as in all) would stop. I said many would.
Argue it all you want. This is what I do.
You will not change the wolves into puppies just because you don't like them.
But you can make them more likely to pick other prey.
I never know how to respond to this type of thing because I don't get exposed to it...as well I often wonder if the whistles and such shouldn't just be taken for what they are...appreciation of our form and how we look or the fact we are taking care of ourselves...(*shrugs* that statement might better belong in the unpopular opinion thread)
I mean I go outside and run and walk etc but I don't get "harassed" or feel objectified etc.
I have been told I have the resting *kitten* face too...I don't see it but maybe I do.
But to the OP I am not sure if there is anything you can do about this...but if you feel worried or scared there are these batons you can buy that are retractable and fit in your hand...
I am getting one for animals/dogs...4 -
You can take issue with human psychology all you want. I don't care.TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I take issue with your language used here because this is coming off as, "if you just didn't look so approachable they'd stop."
No. She's not the issue. It's them.
Besides, I did not say they (as in all) would stop. I said many would.
Argue it all you want. This is what I do.
You will not change the wolves into puppies just because you don't like them.
But you can make them more likely to pick other prey.
I never know how to respond to this type of thing because I don't get exposed to it...as well I often wonder if the whistles and such shouldn't just be taken for what they are...appreciation of our form and how we look or the fact we are taking care of ourselves...(*shrugs* that statement might better belong in the unpopular opinion thread)
I mean I go outside and run and walk etc but I don't get "harassed" or feel objectified etc.
I have been told I have the resting *kitten* face too...I don't see it but maybe I do.
But to the OP I am not sure if there is anything you can do about this...but if you feel worried or scared there are these batons you can buy that are retractable and fit in your hand...
I am getting one for animals/dogs...
I am the same re: not knowing how to respond because of not having experienced it. My husband says I have an air about me that tells people not to bother me and I don't see that either. I think the baton idea is a good one. [My husband and I have actually noted, through the years, how many men we see taking walks/hikes while carrying a stick (often just a random stick) while we never see women doing that.]1
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