Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?
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xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
It is nice that you are living with your boyfriend
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.
While livin off your parents' money.
Call me stupid. But, if your life is that well off, and he's not working or making much and you're paying for things now (from money your parents give you), I'm thinking he's setting himself up to live well for the rest of his life.
I'd say you're going to get taken. Best to cut 'n run now while you can.
He paid me back as soon as he started working...And I will never use my parents' money for him because I'm against that~1 -
WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »I’m thinking jasiek who has been employed for all of 2 weeks may disappoint you and I fear that you won’t come back here and update us on the saga
Actually I will update you and I know firsthand that he is in the process of getting a new flat
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cwolfman13 wrote: »Just_J_Now wrote: »I seriously doubt OP is 29 or a grown up.
Yeah, I question that too...
ETA: that said, my sister was friends with this chick who was from a very well off family...she was basically a little princess that never had to do anything for herself and was getting an allowance in her 30s...she was very much out of touch with reality and sounds a bit like this OP in many ways...but on the other hand, she would have never even thought about dating riff raff like a construction worker...
Bottom line Jasiek may be in construction but I am physically attracted to him for one and for two he is kind to me. He holds my hand, calls me cute names, and tells me he wants me to be healthy. He also tells me that I don't need to diet and count calories (I will continue doing so though)0 -
mellymel315 wrote: »Wait...What?? this is a joke right?? In what universe don't you pay your share of the living expenses??? I'm sure once you let him know you expect to be "kept" he will run for the hills
I laid down the law yesterday telling him that I will not pay him a cent of the rent or for food or anything else and he said that I am right. Men are supposed to be the providers, this is a biological thing and women take care of the kids, not that I plan to have kids though honestly.1 -
kbarnardlamb wrote: »I see a problem right off the bat. And it's in the way your framed your predicament. You are already involved in a power struggle, and power struggles in marital relationships are not good. When you marry, you legally have rights to property and your finances are mingled. There's no "pitching in" to pay rent: you pay it as a couple. What's next? He argues that you need to make more money because you're not putting up 50%? That dog don't hunt. My advice is GTFO. If that's not an option, marraige before cohabitation. The nit picky stuff and "who pays what and what is fair and your fair share and that's mine and not yours" stuff ruins marriages. Starting off that way? There's your sign.
Yes you're right, well I do not plan on working and I told him that from day 1. I do not enjoy working, I'd rather take classes or engage in hobbies. Right now I spend my time going to the gym, reading, and hanging out with friends. I completely agree with you when you say it is in bad taste to talk about money. We do want to get married but as I'm not a UK/EU national we may have to get married symbolically in a church, something we have been talking about.1 -
Help get him into a school that gives language lessons.
It looks like you two have different backgrounds and expectations about partnership/marriage.
Do the guy a favor and let him go soon.
Jasiek has been saying that he wants to learn English but he has a job so I don't know how he will have time to learn English. I learned Polish myself so I guess if he really wanted to he could self study.1 -
poetic_cell wrote: »Can you tell us how you two met? I think it's relevant for this discussion.
Sure, basically I was hanging out with my friend Jacek in a group of people and all of a sudden he introduced me to his friend Jasiek. I thought to myself wow Jasiek looks good plus he looks like he is within my age range. At that point he nodded to me which led me to believe he was a polite and nice person and I thought to myself maybe we could start dating. I wanted to talk to him but this other guy came up and was talking to them. The next day Jacek, Jasiek and I were sitting there and I talked to Jasiek. He took my hand in a joking way but I made it clear I was interested in holding his hand as well. Then we went on a walk to the park. He said that he doubts I would want to be with him but I told him point blank that I want to be his partner.1 -
jennybearlv wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.
I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.
No. Just no. Why should one person work and bank all their money while the other pays for everything? *kitten* that.
It's a partnership. Meaning share bills, share work around the house, etc.
Life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. Most women still do the majority of housework and caring for children and the elderly while earning less than men at work. If you want to split all chores and financial responsibilities 50/50, good for you. But, when did saving money become a bad idea?
Saving money is a good thing. But, for one to not put any financial effort into a relationship while saving all theirs and the other pays for everything isn't right. Because it sets a precedence when/if a divorce occurs. I don't care if someone makes a small percentage of what the other does, still should be some financial responsibility.
Just like I think there should also be equal amounts of work done. The exception to this is if there's a work difference. For example, if one works part-time, then they should do more than the other to help offset the time the other is commuting or working. If there's an agreement that one stays at home while the other does financial support, then there's a significant different in amount of time doing work around the house.
Yes, life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. I tried to explain this to my ex when she'd *kitten* about my not helping to do the dishes, bathroom or vacuum when I had a one hour commute each way, worked 10+ hours a day, did all of the outside work such as mowing, shoveling snow (not just ours but two other neighbor driveways because they were elderly and had medical complications), as well as did the laundry. Oh, and did I mention repair the cars and other things? She worked a mile away, and for maybe ten hours a week. She also "worked" for free, which we never agreed upon.
Yeah, *kitten* that *kitten*.
I'm sorry you've been in such an unfair relationship. Sounds like my dad and stepmom. I'm nice enough to do everything at home in exchange for my zero monetary contribution. It's funny that my husband's coworkers think I'm lazy because I don't work, while my neighbors think he is lazy because I'm always the one shoveling snow and mowing the lawn.
I didn't know you were a rich girl, OP. I'd take your parents' offer to buy you a house and any cash wedding present they offer. It will make living on a construction worker's income a lot easier. Also, if you aren't working cook and take care of the house. If he's taking care of you financially, you should be taking care of him.
Hi Jenny, sorry to hear your husban'ds coworkers think you'e lazy, but like you said you do the chores! Do you like snow?
I wouldn't say I'm rich per se because my dad doesn't give me unlimited access to money. I see what you are saying Jasiek makes very little money but I do want to feel taken care of by him so he has to pay for the rent, food, and any vacations that we take. However I will take up their offer of the house when we are old. I do plan on cooking some nice things but he is better at cleaning than me. Right now he comes over to my place every few days to clean my room. Also I forgot to mention I sing romantic songs to him sometimes.1 -
xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice.
Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.
Sounds like he's using you. But, I still stand by my comment of it being equal partnership. Not one or the other paying for everything.
Actually I don't think he is using me as he gets paid tomorrow and I have his bank card and pin number so I plan on withdrawing the money that he owes me. When we do move into somewhere I plan on purchasing flowers.
In essence Jasiek works 8 pm - 5 pm daily approximately in construction 5 days a week and then for me I wake up, go to the gym, read books from the library, hang out with people during the day, and then meet up with Jasiek. Sometimes I also study Polish, I listen to music and watch TV as well.
Does he know you're going to withdraw the money? Neither of you seem mature enough to handle an adult relationship. I cannot believe you are 29 years old.
Well he said I can withdraw money out of his account including the money he owed me~ Sorry to hear you don't think I'm mature I am a carefree and young soul.1 -
WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »I hate this thread now because I have to sit here realizing I’m single and people like this get boyfriends.
I hope you'll get one too *hugs* I was single for 5 years before this and I had 2 relationships before that were not long, I am okay single or in a relationship but it is exciting being in a relationship but hopefully you will find love also 1 -
I would sit tight for a wee while and see how things are in six months,do not give up your place too quickly0
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If I believed this was real, which I *don't*, Jasiek wants a green card. And as a Pole, I could see how his Polish brain could try to request splitting the rent and having it come out as you need to pay me. That's if I believed this was real, which it isn't. For my sanity's sake, it can't be.
We're not going to the United States. Also I'm not giving him any rent money I put my foot down yesterday. We will be in London1 -
Is it school holidays everywhere or just in Australia?
Some of these teenagers get very bored and you know, the internet is big place to amuse oneself making up silly stories for forum threads.......
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my gym1 -
London aquarium
books I'm reading
my planner
Jasiek at Queen's house1 -
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mellymel315 wrote: »Wait...What?? this is a joke right?? In what universe don't you pay your share of the living expenses??? I'm sure once you let him know you expect to be "kept" he will run for the hills
I laid down the law yesterday telling him that I will not pay him a cent of the rent or for food or anything else and he said that I am right. Men are supposed to be the providers, this is a biological thing and women take care of the kids, not that I plan to have kids though honestly.
you sound kind of old fashioned.
So you expect him to provide for you and you not work? do you cook and clean and have his kids? Do you do as he tells you?
Or are you picking and choosing from the 1950s? picking the best parts like the man pays for everything and leaving the worse parts like being a subordinate wife, no sex before marriage, doing all the house work, cooking dinner for when he gets home etc?
These might help
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Women want equality, as long as it's beneficial to them. Yeah, I said it! Girl, split the living costs and stop with this nonsense.
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Of course you should contribute, the food/gas/electric/water bills will all increase with another person living with him so it's only fair that you pay your bit!
I'm genuinely stumped as to why you would even ask this question. When my partner asked me to move in with him I insisted on paying my way from the get go, I'm working 45 hours a week so why shouldn't I? This is a modern society after all.
Unless you find yourself a sugar Daddy that's the way the world works!
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Either pay up or find someone who can afford to keep you in the life you are accustomed to princess!1
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Closed for moderation.4
This discussion has been closed.
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