WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR JUNE 2018
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LisaInNCNow wrote: »But in terms of emotional support, both men had one source, and that was me. Are all/most men like that? And in those with same-sex partners, do you find that you and your partner differ in that? I know a number of us are married to men who land somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, as well, and interested to know whether they have any source to turn to outside their marriage.
Inquiring minds want to know!
Lisa in AR
This is my husband. And I do believe he may be on the spectrum, but sometimes I doubt it, so if he is, it may be borderline. But he just doesn't see the need to have friends. Like you said, he has work acquaintances, even a couple from previous company's that he keeps in professional contact. But he would never go out to hang out with anyone socially.
I have work friends, and I have church friends, but I also have my friend-friends -- people I have known for nearly forever. That was the joke when we first moved back here -- I kept running into people I knew when I was in school in Oregon. In fact, a guy in my high school graduating class bought the house three doors down from us. We didn't know it until we were all standing outside chatting and as he kept talking, I realized that we knew each other! Lol
The people I consider my best friends (I don't know that they all feel the same way, but that's okay): K lives in LA area, and when I go to LA, we usually get together and when I lived in DC and she came for a visit, we ran around together one day. My family knows her and her husband because we have stayed at their house a couple times. P lives an hour away, and we don't see each other as often as we should. But she is really close to her sisters and doesn't see the need for close friendships like I do. M lives in this same community, and we try to get together for coffee every few months. She has sisters, but she is not that close to them.
I was also burned by a very close friend when I was in grad school. We have reconciled somewhat, but it's not the same. She lives on the East Coast, so we wouldn't be able to see each other much, even if we wanted to. Which I do.
I also have had a couple close guy friends, which I have decided was not a good thing. I am still in casual contact with both of them, but I keep them at arms distance. I've been close to one of them for 30 years -- through my two and his three marriages. He joked a couple months ago that his relationship with me is his most successful relationship.
With all this, however, like M in Oz, I think my husband is still probably my best friend. I tell him nearly everything and greatly value his opinion. I still wish that he had some guy friends to hang with once in a while, however.
And I also greatly value my on-line friends. In addition to this group, I have a "mommy-group" -- a group of women who were all pregnant at the same time as I was pregnant with my youngest -- and we have remained close for nearly 12 years.
Felicia
Willamette Valley, OR
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Snowflake1968 wrote: »
It was a very difficult decision, but I was aware of the mental health act here in Alberta and knew that she needed help. I have known her since I was 13 she is 2 years older than me. We met when I was "dating" her younger brother, but truthfully I probably stayed close to the family for their Mother more than anything. I loved her like she was my own. She was truly one of my best friends. I had thought over the years that my friend was bi-polar, in high school there was an episode that made me think it the first time. Then a few years later there was another one that made me think it. After her mother was killed in a car accident I saw it, but we moved to Alberta shortly afterward so I wasn't seeing it as clearly as I should have. In 2005 there was another episode but again we lived in different cities. I took her phone calls every single day though and tried my best to help her through it but also tried to reach her children's ex to come get the kids. He didn't return my callsBFFs
Tracey in AB must have been so hard for you to call authorities when your bipolar friend was threatening herself.
. She then seemed to get turned around again, she earned a masters degree, and was doing very well. In 2016 she had another episode. She had me pick up all of her worldly possessions to store for her because she was leaving her bf and she didn't trust her children or Father to take care of her stuff without stealing from her. (This was in her mind, they wouldn't have) She asked if she could stay with us for a few days, I reluctantly agreed. I knew my husband wouldn't be able to tolerate it for long. So we agreed to 3 nights. On the 5th night I told her she had to leave. This is when she turned on me, she left a lot of stuff at our place that I wasn't even aware of, including all of her Mother's jewelry. She wrote all over facebook that we kicked her out on the street to be raped, she told everyone that I was in an abusive relationship, accused me of stealing her dead mother's jewelry. Threatened that she "knew People" and they would beat me to get her stuff back. That is when I called the police. I contacted her three children and Father and told them what I had done. I told them I was scared for her life, and they needed to tell the police the truth if they were called. We all agreed that we would never tell her who called the police. She ended up being hospitalized for over 2 months. Her reality is that I abandoned her in her time of need and that I never supported her. I let her believe this because I know I saved her life, and that I supported her in the only way I knew how. I haven't seen her since this happened. I have talked to her several times and she is doing well right now, staying on her medications and seeing her therapist. I only pray that she continues and that if she ever finds out it was me that she realizes it was only out of pure love.
You did the right thing. Her reaction to what happened is her mental illness and nothing to do with you. Prays for her and you. When she has an episode she needs professional help. I would not tell her it was you who called the police. Given her state it could have been anyone and when she is in a better place she probably knows that. She is just trying to find blame rather than blame it on the mental illness. Part of the problem with some mental illness is the person who suffers from it their mind plays tricks on them and they cannot see how ill they truly are. It is the people around them like you who are put in the thankless position to get them the help they need. I will thank you for getting her the help for her because she is not capable of saying thank you.
Margaret 3 -
margaretturk wrote: »Snowflake1968 wrote: »
It was a very difficult decision, but I was aware of the mental health act here in Alberta and knew that she needed help. I have known her since I was 13 she is 2 years older than me. We met when I was "dating" her younger brother, but truthfully I probably stayed close to the family for their Mother more than anything. I loved her like she was my own. She was truly one of my best friends. I had thought over the years that my friend was bi-polar, in high school there was an episode that made me think it the first time. Then a few years later there was another one that made me think it. After her mother was killed in a car accident I saw it, but we moved to Alberta shortly afterward so I wasn't seeing it as clearly as I should have. In 2005 there was another episode but again we lived in different cities. I took her phone calls every single day though and tried my best to help her through it but also tried to reach her children's ex to come get the kids. He didn't return my callsBFFs
Tracey in AB must have been so hard for you to call authorities when your bipolar friend was threatening herself.. She then seemed to get turned around again, she earned a masters degree, and was doing very well. In 2016 she had another episode. She had me pick up all of her worldly possessions to store for her because she was leaving her bf and she didn't trust her children or Father to take care of her stuff without stealing from her. (This was in her mind, they wouldn't have) She asked if she could stay with us for a few days, I reluctantly agreed. I knew my husband wouldn't be able to tolerate it for long. So we agreed to 3 nights. On the 5th night I told her she had to leave. This is when she turned on me, she left a lot of stuff at our place that I wasn't even aware of, including all of her Mother's jewelry. She wrote all over facebook that we kicked her out on the street to be raped, she told everyone that I was in an abusive relationship, accused me of stealing her dead mother's jewelry. Threatened that she "knew People" and they would beat me to get her stuff back. That is when I called the police. I contacted her three children and Father and told them what I had done. I told them I was scared for her life, and they needed to tell the police the truth if they were called. We all agreed that we would never tell her who called the police. She ended up being hospitalized for over 2 months. Her reality is that I abandoned her in her time of need and that I never supported her. I let her believe this because I know I saved her life, and that I supported her in the only way I knew how. I haven't seen her since this happened. I have talked to her several times and she is doing well right now, staying on her medications and seeing her therapist. I only pray that she continues and that if she ever finds out it was me that she realizes it was only out of pure love.
You did the right thing. Her reaction to what happened is her mental illness and nothing to do with you. Prays for her and you. When she has an episode she needs professional help. I would not tell her it was you who called the police. Given her state it could have been anyone and when she is in a better place she probably knows that. She is just trying to find blame rather than blame it on the mental illness. Part of the problem with some mental illness is the person who suffers from it their mind plays tricks on them and they cannot see how ill they truly are. It is the people around them like you who are put in the thankless position to get them the help they need. I will thank you for getting her the help for her because she is not capable of saying thank you. Margaret
Thank you so much, it is true. What she believes happened is her reality and her truth. I can only be there to support her. I truly was afraid for her life, it has made me much more aware of mental illness and how it affects those we love as much as the person with the illness.1 -
This is the local band that greeted us when we docked in the morning. We asked them up on deck for an evening concert.
Rebecca - What you are doing is not the Epley manoeuvre. That you only have to do once. It worked like a miracle for my DH and for Mary. Please Google it, read the easy instructions and watch the very clear video on Utube. Your husband will have to do it for you because it can be quite scary. My DH really freaked out and I had to be really firm with him. But it WORKS. We did it on the bed.
Heather ☓ x2 -
First off- Welcome Scrapstitching! Way to go on the loss! Glad you found us, chime in when you feel so inclined and please tell us a little about yourself (name, where from as specific or non specific as you wish, your health journey...)
DH and I are the proverbial opposites that attracted. He is very anti social. I am very outgoing (but do need quiet time for myself to recharge). He is a pessimist, I am on optimist. He likes to stay home, I like traveling and all that goes with it. When he was in high school for the senior class mock elections he was voted "President of the He-man woman-haters club"
https://goo.gl/images/Sf8iv4
ttfn KJ(Kelly)2 -
Im looking to lose 4 lbs in june.
Starting a walking program...working up to 3 miles 4 X a week.
Goal is to stay under 1400 cal day
Welcome! You can do this! I am glad you found our group, please remember to bookmark, return and join in the conversations if you feel so inclined. Tell us a little about yourself, your journey and what we should call you.
KJ (Kelly) 2 -
Five years ago I lost 80 lbs with bariatric sleeve surgery. I maintained weight loss for 2 years, then after my mother-in-law passed, we discovered that my father-in-law had Alzheimers. Long story short, we ended up selling our house and putting everything in storage and moving into his house (so he would be in familiar surroundings). Having to keep a close watch on him, we ended up spending more time sitting and watching TV. After he passed (about a year ago), we closed his estate, then purchased another home for us, got everything out of storage and started trying to get back into our old routine. However, after moving in and getting settled, we still found ourselves watching TV at night and snacking. By this time, I had gained 36 pounds back of the 80 previously lost. Not wanting to be one of those people who gain their weight back after bariatric surgery, I went to a physician who offers the Optifast 800 diet plan. I started on May 14, and lost 10 pounds the first 3 weeks. My goal is to lose 13-15 pounds per month on the Optifast 800 plan for 5 months with an overall weight loss goal of 90-95 pounds. My goal is to lose the 90-plus pounds over two years. This will still put me at the top-end of the national weight range for my age/height. I'm excited and determined to be successful! Wish me luck!5
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Heather, you both look amazing, and that dress is just drop-dead gorgeous on you!
Thank you to all who have/will answer my question. The majority are confirming something I've thought, that many men center their emotional needs and support in their wives/significant others, and not just the men I happened to marry.
Love talking to y'all!
Lisa in AR4 -
Heather- You and your hubby look stunning! And good for you for convincing the band to play on deck. I bet they even enjoyed the change of venue! The artwork on the church looks amazing! Funny thing; the day after you posted pictures of the little chair/cabanas that were on the beach in Germany; I drove past our local beach and noticed that they now have the same type of chair/cabana bundles for rent on the state park beach! Cool! I never go there, but cool, nonetheless! As a local, we know all of the private beaches and tend to stay away from the state park beach/tourists.2
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Gah! I keep remembering others I wanted to say something to: DANA- I love that your bff's name is Donna! Dana and Donna! How fun!3
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PastQueenDebra90 wrote: »Not wanting to be one of those people who gain their weight back after bariatric surgery, I went to a physician who offers the Optifast 800 diet plan. I started on May 14, and lost 10 pounds the first 3 weeks. My goal is to lose 13-15 pounds per month on the Optifast 800 plan for 5 months with an overall weight loss goal of 90-95 pounds. My goal is to lose the 90-plus pounds over two years. This will still put me at the top-end of the national weight range for my age/height. I'm excited and determined to be successful! Wish me luck!
Hi, Debra--very good luck with your Optifast diet. Glad you're under a physician's care. I too, had gastric bypass nearly 13 years ago, and slowly gained back about 80 of the 166 pounds I lost post-op. I've straightened things out in the last few years, and particularly in the last five or six months, and have lost 25 of that eighty, with a few more to go. Welcome to our world! We have other ladies on the thread who've had the surgery, and I'll let them self-identify if they choose to do so.
Much of my success, if not all of it, in these last few years, is due to the company and counsel on my journey of these amazing women here. We all have our own paths to take, and there are as many diet regimens and lack of same here as there are women who participate.
Regards, and welcome!
Lisa in AR
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Popping in. Enjoying the conversation. Just don’t really have anything to add. I’ve broken my ankle. In a boot for 6 weeks. Got the bill for the mammogram that could not wait. Over $600. I’m still unhappy with my doctor, but I went back to see him and he made me understand what He is so concerned about. Bathroom remodel is taking forever because he’s doing two jobs at once and studying for the insurance exam. I’m just in a really whiny mood so have been keeping it to myself. The ankle break was the dang last straw.14
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Aww Kay so sorry for the broken ankle..how rotten.
Today was a nightmare..other assistant had an emergency so he didn't come in ,and I am not used to working a Oral surgeon office,plus regular Dr.
Worked from 9-5:30 with enough time to gulp down some cottage cheese and right back at it.over 14,000 steps today..
Tom has a few friends at work.but other than that he doesn't even speak to his family other than his dad and uncle.I was the glue that held that together...Ha Ha I told him a longtime ago he would end up a lonely old man because nobody would put up with his *kitten*.
Truer words were never spoken.
Well not much for me to say I'm to tired to think...2 -
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Stats for the day:
bike ride hm 2 gym- 7.30min, 131mhr, 12.7amph. 1.5mi= 74c
apple watch- 57c
0 RUNNER- 45min, 111ahr, 126mhr, 111ahr, lvl8, 9.50min mi, 10h, 104c, 41l, 5.60mi= 295c
apple watch- 297c
bike ride gym 2 dome- 5.26min, 131mhr, 16.6amph, 1.5mi= 54c
apple watch- 44c
bike ride puy 2 sumn sta- 15.01min, 12.2amph, 116ahr, 139mhr, 3mi= 129c
apple watch- 116c
jog sta 2 wk- 4.56min, 149mhr, 129ahr, 9.33min mi, .5mi= 60c
apple watch- 55c
jog wk 2 sumn sta- 4.04min, 125ahr, 153mhr, 8.50min mi, .4mi= 60c
apple watch- 54c
bike ride dome 2 hm- 17min, 150mhr, 9amph, 2.5mi= 182c
apple watch- 147c
Total 8542 -
Hello!
I had a great day swimming with my grandkids! I think I can continue to swim at the Y by myself! I swam or paddled backwards for 50 minutes. It was a good workout. I tried swimming forwards but back surgery wouldn’t allow it. Maybe in time?
Welcome to the newcomers! Drop in often and have a chat!
I’m leaving you with a picture of my grandkids and me!
Dana in Arkansas
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Did 5 minutes hula hoop, held my plank for 3 minutes, took the extremepump class. The plan for tomorrow is to the bonus sections of Totally Hot Cardio DVD, mainly because it doesn’t look like it’ll be that long and I’m supposed to go to the MD tomorrow at 8 about my trigger finger.
M – interesting article. I never thought of that!
Okie – I agree with you, guys are wired differently. I know that if something bothers me, it can bother me for a long time. Vince gets over things a lot faster than I do, and not as much bothers him. On the other hand, I’m the one who is more “people person” whereas Vince is more the logical person. Sometimes him being so logical bothers me. I am very thankful for this group where I can bounce things off others and get different perspectives
Heather – loving all the pictures. Thanks for sharing.
KJ – your husband and Vince must be long-lost brothers!
Past Queen – I wish you all the best. Keep coming in here and telling us all about your journey
Katie – how horrible! How did you hurt your ankle? Hope it heals fast.
Michele in NC
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Katie, I'm so sorry about your ankle!
Too fizzy to go to bed. Counteroffer came in, still under the list price, and we're accepting it in the morning. We're guaranteed close through the lender, so after all the inspections, etc., are over and done with, we should be signing for the new (to us) house, and nine months of working on it every weekend, by mid-July. Had to try to schedule it in between my travel dates.
Here we go again...
Later,
Lisa in AR. Apparently, for good. Wouldn't that be a change!7 -
Lisa, congratulations on the house. You have the right attitude to enjoy the adventure of fixing it up.
Dr.Katie, sorry about the ankle. Six weeks sounds like such a long time. Sending hugs to you. Too wet and cold for three days in a row so no yard work. I used the time to catch up on some neglected indoor projects and errands. Barbie 3 -
Lanette & Lisa: DH has a couple of men friends in our neighborhood that are generous with their time and inclined to reach out to him. I am thrilled about that. He spends too much time sitting, IMHO, but he has health problems that create difficulty. He has was not very social during the years that our kids were growing up because he worked long days and didn't seem to click with many the men in that neighborhood. He did have some work friends. I have been luckier. I have horseback riding friends and yoga friends, and I'm actively involved in our city, plus I have all of you as good cyber friends. I feel like a very lucky woman. :flowerforyou:
(((Rye))) Inviting your DH's friends for diner seems like a good idea. I hope it all works out and you are able to feel comfortable and enjoy yourself.
Rebecca: Sorry that you're still having problems with vertigo. :flowerforyou:
Heather: I love the photo of the painted Chapel! Thanks so much for it and the others you've shared. You and your DH look very fine in your evening clothes.
(((Dr. Katie)))
We recently bought a motor home to fill the spot that sailing has occupied in our lives. We loved to cruise in our boat, and hope to enjoy cruising in our motor home. Right now were getting it set up. There is one mechanical concern that needs to be addressed and then we're heading to DH's sister's house for a short visit. That will be a 400 mile trip each way--an ambitious starter, perhaps, but mostly easy freeway driving once you escape Portland. I hope we turn out to like this big vehicle. DH says he'd rather have me drive than him. This is the first time he's ever said anything like that & we've been married a long time. It is more than a little concerning.
Katla in beautiful NW Oregon
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Katla - "We recently bought a motor home to fill the spot that sailing has occupied in our lives. We loved to cruise in our boat, and hope to enjoy cruising in our motor home. Right now were getting it set up. There is one mechanical concern that needs to be addressed and then we're heading to DH's sister's house for a short visit. That will be a 400 mile trip each way--an ambitious starter, perhaps, but mostly easy freeway driving once you escape Portland. I hope we turn out to like this big vehicle. DH says he'd rather have me drive than him. This is the first time he's ever said anything like that & we've been married a long time. It is more than a little concerning."
Oh my, will you drive the motor home then? There is NO way I'd attempt to drive our 38' motor home towing our Jeep behind. The thot scares me to death. You're a brave lady
We will be leaving in our motor home Wednesday morning to head down to San Antonio, 467 miles, for my grandson's wedding on Saturday. I'm ridiculously excited
Janetr OKC
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My DH is the social extrovert, he will chat to anyone. He has lots of "friends" but not on an emotional level, I think that's where I come in. He is not too close to family either, only his younger brother. He is my best best friend, but I think I could cope if anything happened to him, not sure how he would cope in reverse situation. When I was ill few years ago DD said he was distraught. I have 2 or 3 close friends from my working life, we see each other every few months.
DH loves our kids and grands to bits but it's me who has to communicate with them, he'll ask if I've rung them but doesn't often ring them himself, I think it's our role to provide the glue to keep family together.
Welcome to newbies, hugs for everyone with health problems.
HEATHER you 2 look great
Off to do KB workout and Leslie Sansone video
Kate UK 3
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