"You're too skinny!" Do others ever make you question your maintenance weight?
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I had these comments many times in my 20's. My brother and sister in law were always trying to insinuate I was anorexic. Once they realised I ate like a horse, they added bullimia to their diagnosis.
Fat people always told me to eat a sandwich and put some weight on. And at one point, I did become underweight, but it wasn't due to anorexia, it was due to being a starving student who spent all their money on rent, with little left for food.
My parents asked me nicely about this, and I told them what the problem was, so they brought food around for me during that time. That's because they were actually concerned, and not just trying to demonise my weight or gossip mindlessly about me.
I know people on here have said, 'if someone was drastically underweight, you should say something, because they may have an eating disorder.' Or, they might have cancer, or be naturally thin or have some other reason. But, if they do have anorexia, then saying you're too thin is seen as a positive reinforcement to their disease, and may encourage them to further starve themselves. It would be better to ask the person why they think they're so thin, if you're really concerned. And only if you're close to the person, I think.
What I find interesting though, is that being overweight is also a health concern, yet most decent people would never dream of saying, 'you're too fat and I think you have a health problem'. Why not? Why are we concerned for the anorexic's health, but not the obese person's? It's a double standard.
Edited to add, I don't currently have these problems as I'm overweight at the moment.
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MinimalistShoeAddict wrote: »I still think that there is much less "skinny shaming" than "fat shaming" in society if we are being honest. Skinny folk are generally seen as nicer, more attractive, smarter, healthier, more dedicated, etc.
Let's not pretend that skinny or normal body weight folks are some discriminated class of citizens.
I also think 99% of the time those who say don't lose too much or that you are getting skinny are just reconciling the new you with the old you they have known forever. While it may be annoying or bothersome, it's really understandable and quite normal IMO.I also think 99% of the time those who say don't lose too much or that you are getting skinny are just reconciling the new you with the old you they have known forever. While it may be annoying or bothersome, it's really understandable and quite normal IMO.
I strongly disagree with the 99% part. Many of the people who hear this have been at a healthy weight their entire life.
Your example may be true in many cases but nowhere near 99% of the time.
You may be right about fat shaming being more common than skinny shaming, however I do not think one is more acceptable than the other.
Until 3 months ago, I been overweight for my age since before 6th grade. I'm now 60.1 -
I know this is over a year later, but if anybody ever has a problem like this again, many companies have an anonymous tip line that, in many cases, is monitored by Internal Audit, who in turn have a direct line to the Board of Directors Audit Committee. That will get action. I work in internal audit...Yisrael1981 wrote: »This just happened to me today in my office. My manager came over to me today and said a few people had come over to him and said I look horrible that I am too skinny. It really threw me for a loop and I did question myself
I started at 220 and ended at 145-147, currently maintaining at about 2000 calories a day plus some treats on the weekend...
The wise man in me says these people just have a hard time adjusting to my new look, however it definitely was a painful experience
I can relate. My manager also runs HR and has told me twice in the past two days that I am skinny, it is not attractive and I must not lose any more weight (said in a dramatic voice). I am still 5kgs from my goal so nope, I am not going to listen to that, particularly as it is coming from the same woman who demanded to know if I was pregnant this time last year because I had a bit of a tummy - in front of a room full of people. She was not happy with my embarrassed "no, I am not pregnant, I am just fat" and went on and on, saying "you can tell us you know, we will be happy for you".
Not only was I fat not pregnant, but I am also unable to have children, a fact which most people are aware of. Beyond awkward.
Yep. Folks that run HR don't always know how to HR.
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I am so glad I read this post. After losing 110lbs I am now getting people say to me how I do not need to lose anymore. While that may be true, I really like the way I look now and so I keep working at it. So there are some weeks where I may still lose. But I think the one thing that bothers me most though is when people ask if you are ok, just because you have lost weight. After getting asked this so often it makes me doubt myself.3
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I am so glad I read this post. After losing 110lbs I am now getting people say to me how I do not need to lose anymore. While that may be true, I really like the way I look now and so I keep working at it. So there are some weeks where I may still lose. But I think the one thing that bothers me most though is when people ask if you are ok, just because you have lost weight. After getting asked this so often it makes me doubt myself.
I understand how you feel, and my immediate reaction to "are you OK" is the same.
On the flip side, when you're 30+ like I am (OK, it starts around 30+, but I'm 60+), it's sadly more common for people to start having serious physical problems or chronic diseases. It's arguably a faux pas to ask a person who's lost weight whether they're OK, but IMO it's a much worse faux pas to congratulate someone who's ill on their weight loss. Often sick people don't look sick right away, in a stereotypic kind of way. As a survivor of stage III (advanced) cancer, and a cancer widow, I can see both sides of this.
It's a conversation neither party wants to have: "You've lost weight: You look great!" "Actually, I'm dying."
So, to the extent I can, I try to take "are you OK?" as a sign that people care about me, not as a critique of my appearance . . . unless their manner or body language clearly tell me differently. YMMV.13 -
actually believe it or not there is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. I got a lot of concerned (maybe) comments when I first hit my goal last year, but now that I am maintaining where I choose to be, and I haven't dwindled away to nothing, those comments have 100 percent stopped. So give it time, keep on keepin on with what YOU want, and the "too skinny" or "you are not going to lose anymore" comments really do stop.6
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Here's what I wished I'd said when people used to say it to me: 'thank you for letting me know. Would you like us to discuss your weight, now?'
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I was hiking the other day, and it's customary around these trails, to greet your fellow hikers. "Good morning" or "Hi" is the usual greeting.
As I reached the top of one peak, I saw a young woman standing there, looking off into the distance. She was what I would consider petite (@ 5'3" and slender). As I started to pass her, before I could greet her, an athletic looking woman reached the top from the other side. She looked at the young woman and said, "Good lord, you're thin!" By the lack of response or reaction from the young woman, I guessed she didn't know this person from Adam.
When did this become a customary greeting to strangers?
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Yes, I heard that a lot about a year ago when I was around 15% body fat and my goal was <10%. I figure that the average American is overweight or obese (based on statistics, this describes 2/3 of Americans) and I can see that when I look around. The new "normal" is overweight and healthy is considered to be underweight or thin. It's a common perception that I should be overweight. I disagree. So I will take care of me and let others go along on their fat merry way. My typical response is that I actually need to lose more and then go into a description about the average American's size regarding their perception. In the end, they don't have much to argue with (usually these are also "average American size" people).4
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My neighbor and I weigh very close to the same - 116-118#. We are the same height. She constantly tells me I am too skinny. Maybe because I am 10ish years older than she and have the squiggly arm thing? People are so funny.0
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midwesterner85 wrote: »Yes, I heard that a lot about a year ago when I was around 15% body fat and my goal was <10%. I figure that the average American is overweight or obese (based on statistics, this describes 2/3 of Americans) and I can see that when I look around. The new "normal" is overweight and healthy is considered to be underweight or thin. It's a common perception that I should be overweight. I disagree. So I will take care of me and let others go along on their fat merry way. My typical response is that I actually need to lose more and then go into a description about the average American's size regarding their perception. In the end, they don't have much to argue with (usually these are also "average American size" people).
Yeah - I even see that here at MFP. LOL. MK2fit, you are probably the same weight as your neighbor but I bet you are in much better shape! Muscle takes more space than fat, right?
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Considering the obesity epidemic in the US, I think most people wouldn't recognize a healthy-sized person if one bit them in the rear. When you're used to overweight being average, normal looks too skinny.7
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I had an interesting conversation with my best friend (She's known me for over 30 years) while we were on holidays together last week.
Some quick background..... I've been overweight my whole adult life. In 2004 I decided enough was enough, started watching my calories and took up running. I lost 105 lbs. Then I had a couple of knee surgeries, kind of lost myself and gained all that weight back and more. April 2017 I hit 288 lbs and knew I had to get my *kitten* together..... I've lost 111 lbs since then.
So..... back to the conversation. She was saying how proud she was of me for losing the weight again - lol she really is great. And then I mentioned how I still needed to lose another 20 or so lbs.
She was aghast! She thought I looked great and said I would look too gaunt if I lost anymore weight.
She was clearly worried my weight loss had gotten out of control and I would get too skinny!
So I asked her how much she thought I weighed? I'm 59 years old and 5'4".
150-155 lbs she said............. no.. I'm 180 I replied. She looked at me dumbfounded.
Weight is all relative.... all she really knew was that I had lost a whole lot and looked healthier and thinner than before so gee I mustn't need to lose anymore.
I don't have this conversation with everyone, but it puts things in perspective for me and don't get upset when I hear the same thing from other people.
My BMI will still be in the "over weight" range at 160lbs but I'll reassess when I get there.
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Yes, of course. I get this a lot from my family.
When I was overweight at 151lbs (I'm 5'1''), my parents would say to "watch my weight" and whatnot. But when I got down to 100lbs, they say I'm just "skin and bones," even though I look perfectly healthy and don't look underweight at all. \:
My mom and sister-in-laws aren't that bad, they also comment on how small I am now and how they wish they were my size.1 -
In the past month a couple of people have said (unasked) that they think I should stop losing weight. I smile and say thank you. I know what they mean to do is clumsily compliment how well I’m looking NOW.
I don’t even think about it.
(and strength training FTW! I actually stopped actively dieting and losing weight a couple of months beforehand. Lol, they were really more noticing me getting fitter.)2 -
I think I am going to start saying "We have just gotten so used to seeing people overweight that we think of it as normal. My BMI is around 24. I am actually toward the upper end of the healthy range for my height."2
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This is a hot button for me and I'm glad you posted. Of course, in any other forum, there is very little sympathy for those of us who choose to be--and work to be--"small". I've just come to the point where I don't respond at all. To be honest, it's completely inappropriate for someone to make the comment in the first place! I don't walk up to people who are heavy or who have gained weight and proclaim, "Wow! You're getting FAT! Are you okay? Maybe you should lay off the snacks!" So why in the world is it okay for someone to comment on the reverse situation? Making comments about other people's bodies is a boundary issue and it's something I don't appreciate beyond, "Hey, you look great." Anything else is just not cool. At all.12
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I choose to believe that most people mean well with their "helpful" comments, so I take what they say with a grain of salt, thank them for sharing their opinion, and then change the subject.
And, btw, I agree that, with the obesity epidemic, most people don't even recognize "normal size" anymore.7 -
I had people say that - when I was roughly 120lbs at 5'2 (and even more so at my lowest weight which was still a BMI of 19)
Mind you, I think it might be because I'm pear shaped so my shoulders and chest DO get fairly skinny, plus everyone around me was used to me in the BMI 30-35 range.. curious to see if it happens again, I'm dropping from 160s back to 120s, halfway there at the moment0 -
My own mother says it looks like I have cancer, which in my opinion was way too far. I personally don't think I look 'too skinny' at all, sure I could probably gain some weight and still be healthy/look healthy, but when it starts getting to the point of feeling insecure is where I draw the line.4
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Great sharing, I needed this!0
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Yeah it’s super annoying when people ask if you’re sick or say you’re too skinny. I get more people that say I look really good but those mean comments stick out in your brain more than the nice ones. I’m just shy of 5’4” and I loved being around 115lbs. Now that I’m older and had a kid, I feel like being too thin makes your face look older and other areas not look as good (boobs) but I love feeling healthy and energetic.3
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If you are within a healthy BMI range, their comments say more about them than they do about you.
Some people don't know how to word a nice compliment like, "wow you have slimmed down" or as I asked a coworker several years ago, "Are we seeing less of you?" (after a brief exchange of details) "I bet it feels great! I suspect we will be seeing even less of you!" (coworker had bypass surgery and was still losing).
Other may feel threatened by the change. If you lose weight, you may have inadvertently made them reflect on their own size in a negative way. You have proved that someone like them can do it. You walking around thinner is a reminder that they are still failing at it or that they too should make hard changes. For some you would be an inspiration, for others, a threat to the way they feel about themselves.
A good comeback would be to say you feel awesome and have a ton of energy and, if applicable, that your joints/feet/whatever no longer hurt all the time. Being able to <fill in something you can easily do now> is the best feeling of freedom.5 -
recently found out that a friend has been asking other friends if I have started doing hard drugs to lose weight (for the record, no). I figure the proper response, if she ever brings it up to me (won't happen) is "no, i've just stopped doing so many cheeseburgers"9
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Got that talk this morning. I am not even at my maintenance weight yet - .6lbs over highest weight for my age, height, gender. I am in the cutting phase of my resistance training, so I am sure I will hear more in the future.3
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wow, you are all so polite.
i was naturally very thin for most of my life-- fiiiinally filled out in my 30s and stopped being mistaken for a 12 year old boy. i was (and am!) thrilled.
but after 3 decades of people minding my body's business, i got really good at the dead stare. and if they pushed, i stopped feeling shy about saying things like, "this is what a healthy body looks like on me. is there a problem."
it's the same thing when people comment on how i look "for my age" etc. "this is what 30/35/40/__ looks like on me." if the person is sort of a delicate flower and i have to interact closely with them and it's better to be nice, i just say "asian genes" and let them sit with it, mystified, and move on.
i am really not okay with one-size-fits-all templates for body size, shape or age progression etc b/c although there are general norms, obviously there is a ton of everyday evidence that there is a huge range out there. it's why i kinda wish all women would be much more frank and open about their weight and age. there is no shame in what we are. we work within our possible ranges... but there is a huge variability in what is possible. and it's all cool.6 -
I used to have this problem. I was underweight but in my family that's very normal. I had lots of energy and felt healthy. People would constantly tell me I need to eat more when I was full and one even told the school nurse she worried. It was really annoying. Once I hit my 30's I put on some weight but it was very upsetting in high school and middle school. I did not have an eating disorder. Sometimes people just don't know better. If you feel great and have lots of energy than I don't see the problem. Plus I checked your BMI and it's not even under weight. Personally, I would say if the doctor says your healthy that's what matters.2
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It's interesting to me, that when I was in the obese range for my age & height, no one was worried about me then. No heart to heart talks about perhaps I should do something about my eating and inactivity. But, now that I am in a healthy weight range, and getting fit and lean (runner) so much concern is expressed.
ETA: The concern comes from individuals that complain about their weight and inactivity regularly. They will say something like, "You are getting so skinny. I wish I had your will power, but, I (fill in reason of choice). But, you know, enough is enough." Etc.
I would feel differently about this expressed "concern" if it was coming from an active person, satisfied with their weight and appearance. But, when it comes from someone that is in their own admission, overweight and unhealthy, it makes me wonder at the true motive.5
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