Why did you get married?
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I got married because I was young, dumb and thought was in love.
Now that I'm older, and not exactly wiser, I can say I don't plan on doing it again in this lifetime.4 -
I Did it for the cake!!
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ToniLeeAnn82 wrote: »I Did it for the cake!!
Yum, I didn't get cake. We rented a small wedding chapel for $150.00, said our I dos with only the wedding chapel provided witnesses.
Very low budget wedding but one heck of a cruise to the Virgin Islands, plenty of cake on the buffets.
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ToniLeeAnn82 wrote: »I Did it for the cake!!
Yum, I didn't get cake. We rented a small wedding chapel for $150.00, said our I dos with only the wedding chapel provided witnesses.
Very low budget wedding but one heck of a cruise to the Virgin Islands, plenty of cake on the buffets.
We did this too! But we had the Ceremony on the Beach and a simple cake and toast reception. Then we went to go eat at a local place on the sea wall. The next day we went on a West Carribbean Cruise, and it was so awesome!2 -
ToniLeeAnn82 wrote: »ToniLeeAnn82 wrote: »I Did it for the cake!!
Yum, I didn't get cake. We rented a small wedding chapel for $150.00, said our I dos with only the wedding chapel provided witnesses.
Very low budget wedding but one heck of a cruise to the Virgin Islands, plenty of cake on the buffets.
We did this too! But we had the Ceremony on the Beach and a simple cake and toast reception. Then we went to go eat at a local place on the sea wall. The next day we went on a West Carribbean Cruise, and it was so awesome!
Yes!!!! Love it. For me it was 8 days of bliss, 7 of those days spent in a cabin not a big as my closet. 1 -
htimpaired wrote: »Btw- this is how marriage works in my culture. There are exceptions now because times have changed but what I will be describing is how things operate in traditional families.
1. My grand parents will be told about a possible family,
2. They will vet the family- as in who they are and what family they come from, how old is the family and how back the roots go,
3. They will speak with the girl's parent's
After that,
1. Girl's family- They shouldn't be related closely. Theory is- if it's closely related and there is an issue prevalent in the family it may pass on to future offspring- as in genetic disorders or something so it's better to be not related. Is the family free from addictions etc etc.
2. Girl's future plans- as in, if she is even ready to get married? what are her life goals? Is she ready to make a commitment or she is 50-50 and family is forcing. What's life long goals? Kids? Career? etc - would she and I compromise or we are 100% opposite or we are 100% similar both scenarios are a "no-no".
3. Girl's background/upbringing- Was she raised in a family where they earned through jobs, business or political? Since jobs in theory have less stress because you will get paid at the end of the month, however little it may be-you'd get paid. Business the income stream is up and down and political families have times of very high stress then smooth sailing then up again. If she comes into a family which was total opposite -it'll be hard for her to transition and that would suck for newly weds.
4. Girl's family's financial status- Are they "too" rich as in total out of league or "too" poor. Since if they are very well off and I am not- it'll be hard for her to transition and adapt to our "level" and if she's too poor- she won't be able to adjust fully either.
Once this is set and done- girl would be shown my picture and given my details and whatever she needs from my side and her parents. If she approves -I'd be told alright this is this- and as a family we would go meet. If she's ok on that then it'll continue from there.
P.S- keep in mind, some things don't apply here in western culture so it may be a head scratcher.
I may have missed few details but this is how the process usually is- it's not just a union of two people it's a union of two families. Community comes together to unite them. Times have changed and now things are done in a similar way it gets done in Western society however, in my case it'll be like I've mentioned here. I have zero issues with this process. I ain't even against marriage I just wanted to know WHY YOU did it.
Like I said before, I was all for marriage and all when I was young but the more I've meditated the more I feel like why though. That whole "partner for life" and those things just don't justify. Since WE created this why can't we be together without this "marriage". Also, "thick and thin" so where one person would be going through struggle now there would be two of us drudging along.
Only thing I am totally against for now is, spending a lavish amount on wedding and the events which my family and extended family is looking towards. I just want court marriage and party that's it. Not like 4 functions before then wedding then party. However, the girl may have other plans so who knows where it'll all end up.
What country are you from? I feel like arranged marriages would definitely give me a different feeling about the whole thing.
My family and her family won't fall for "looks" - they view everything from the perspective of longevity and harmony in the relationship. "Looks" come in play at the very last moment because they both need to be somewhat in the same "league" so as to avoid future "jealousy" or what not. There is probably a better way to explain this lol
I didn't say anything about looks. I was commenting on the idea of the family/community picking potential spouses for each other. Not something that is done as often in my country (US), so I was wondering what country you were from that this is part of your culture.1 -
Tax write off. Or so I thought....0
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Contracts remove ambiguity. If you think that you can achieve all the commitment you desire without a contract, good luck with that.
Vows are a very old form of promise-keeping. They add security to our communities and our relationships. If you have a blood-brother, you have a better idea who your friends and who your enemies are. You can focus your efforts.
Marriage vows, even stripped of the religious trappings, add security.
So true. so very true. My husband and I have been married 21 years as of Thursday. Note- we had been living together for 3 years prior. Had we not had the vows, the contract, the promise- it would not have lasted 5 years. Life changed the day after we got married.1 -
In a year or so my answer will be “Because @lstrat115 finally said yes!”2
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SpartanRunner1978 wrote: »In a year or so my answer will be “Because @lstrat115 finally said yes!”
Shoot, here I was hoping to reel you in with my gaggle of tax deductions. The little one is even still young enough to be awfully cute.
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Dad had 1 job, 1 wife, and 1 houseful of kids.
Since I wanted to be like Dad, I needed 1 of each. First, the wife. Second, the job. Third, the kids. It wasn't quite the correct sequence, but we've survived so far.3 -
skctilidie wrote: »SpartanRunner1978 wrote: »In a year or so my answer will be “Because @lstrat115 finally said yes!”
Shoot, here I was hoping to reel you in with my gaggle of tax deductions. The little one is even still young enough to be awfully cute.
Sorry! The way to my heart is through my stomach and she totally gets me!0 -
SpartanRunner1978 wrote: »skctilidie wrote: »SpartanRunner1978 wrote: »In a year or so my answer will be “Because @lstrat115 finally said yes!”
Shoot, here I was hoping to reel you in with my gaggle of tax deductions. The little one is even still young enough to be awfully cute.
Sorry! The way to my heart is through my stomach and she totally gets me!
Fine, fine. I spend too much time cooking and baking for all the random semi-pro soccer players the kids have adopted as extra big brothers as it is - I don't need another mouth to feed!1 -
Btw- this is how marriage works in my culture. There are exceptions now because times have changed but what I will be describing is how things operate in traditional families.
1. My grandparents will be told about a possible family,
2. They will vet the family- as in who they are and what family they come from, how old is the family and how far back the roots go,
3. They will speak with the girl's parents
Our cultures are very similar with a few adjustments. I do recall my parents having a huge issue with our paternal grandfather agreeing to a match without consulting our father. I think in a way, this affected my distaste for the whole union. It was a bias, which to me was the seed of disrespect. It was a show of hand, from the groom’s side of the family, where I believed that my parents would be consistently left out of the loop. My issue was further compounded, when my paternal grandfather had passed and my betrothed’s family thought to continue “marriage-talks” through my non-ranking paternal step-grandmother; A woman who’d outrightly rejected my father from the age of 5, whereas I’d had a living maternal grandmother of high-rank, who was present throughout my life. She was more than capable of the respect due her to accommodate the continuing protocols for her granddaughters, me being the younger of the 2 to the same houses, different seats.
In traditional cultural families, looking back, I sometimes feel that the betrothed couple should be more involved as talking-friends then that which transpires on the ground. Too many middle-people. Too many outside add-on thoughts. I believe that had he spoken to me earlier, things would’ve been very different. I echoed most of your thoughts. I had an answer for everything. I was combative. No matter his breeding, his officer accolades, his academic achievement, how gorgeous he was, his financial standing and abilities, I knocked him down. He became the pin I’d bowl over, with a wrecking ball. Not that he didn’t knock me down either. I feel the stain is in allowing other people to be the communicators and having heralds with their misunderstandings and miscomprehension spearhead traditional arrangements. There is no guarantee that biases won’t enter in. They have their own daughters. They have their own sons. They have their ambitions. They are loyalists and they’ll expect returns. It is human nature.
The stress was unbelievably extreme, that he and his family and their people drove me to alcoholism. Fast-forward, sobriety has been my life from when I’d entered America. I am me and no one cares - bliss.3 -
After that,
1. Girl's family- They shouldn't be related closely. Theory is- if it's closely related and there is an issue prevalent in the family it may pass on to future offspring - as in genetic disorders or something so it's better to not be related. Is the family free from addictions etc etc.
Again we share similarities here, only that we require a minimum 5 generations of separation from each other. Any closer and the expletives attached to it are too sensitive for Western cultures.1 -
2. Girl's future plans- as in, if she is even ready to get married? What are her life goals? Is she ready to make a commitment or she is 50-50 and family is forcing. What's her life long goals? Kids? Career? etc - would she and I compromise or we are 100% opposite or we are 100% similar both scenarios are a "no-no".
This too is a serious consideration with the few traditional families. Is she ready? Was I ready? Did it even matter? This is the splinter point between your culture and mine. At certain points, with marital arrangements, the non-family elders (who are extreme extended family relatives from key families within a clan) can choose to disregard her viewpoints, her readiness, her willingness, which is where I would hazard a guess that your sharing is an adaptation to what might have been traditionally your culture. You’re from a more modern traditional family. I’m a little envious of women in your culture. I feel that if arranged marriages in cultures like mine, were a little less about the broodmare approach and a little more humane, by attempting to allow the 2 intended to try to at least fall in love, or appreciate each other more, even if there is no romantic inclination, it would prove to be more progressive towards the possible longevity of such matches, in these times, where our traditions are archaic. There’s social media. At least be friends there and learn each other, without judgment. Let her be her. Let you be you. No coaches. No cheerleaders. No snark.1 -
3. Girl's background/upbringing- Was she raised in a family where they earned through jobs, business or political? Since jobs in theory have less stress because you will get paid at the end of the month, however little it may be-you'd get paid. Business the income stream is up and down and political families have times of very high stress then smooth sailing then up again. If she comes into a family which was total opposite - it'll be hard for her to transition and that would suck for newly weds.
A couple’s future revenue stream is also a consideration in my culture, when arranging marriages. Our matches were primarily traditional, then political, then social, so it’s refreshing to read someone else from a different culture considering at least 2 of our elements, which isn’t every other woman or man’s betrothal criteria of consideration. Where I come from right now, job security isn’t guaranteed unless you’re in the military. All your other points are valid, most especially if businesses are dependent on raw material - Agriculture. There has been an emphasis on downward trends to profit due to category 5 cyclones. I’d hate to be me 30 years ago today, having to defend my family income.
There was a time, around 10 years ago, when American girls from our culture were volleyed as possible betrothal candidates. Due to the fact that most from my culture are either private students or are scholarship/grant students, a lot of emphasis was placed on the debt burden these girls would come with. A cousin of mine married for love to an ethnically Indian (from India) American girl and to his surprise, his credit rating was affected by her debt. Being from a cash-culture with zero debt burden, he took on 2 extra jobs with his anally retentive approach, to omit it.1 -
4. Girl's family's financial status- Are they "too" rich as in totally out of my league or "too" poor. Since if they are very well off I am not- it'll be hard for her to transition and adapt to our "level" and if she's too poor- she won't be able to adjust fully either.
I consider this a faux-ami. It is beneficial yet depending on the 2, who is the stronger income earner or hails from a stronger income strain, extortion becomes a problem. The question becomes how motivated is the stronger of the 2 to be wedded into the prospect family. In my case and my sister’s our Mum desired it. Our father was all about love and if we fell in love with them, but if we decided to go through with it, with the pending traditional marriages - Learn to live within the means of a Military Officer’s pay grade and his SBEs. Don’t buy your spouse. Don’t be a burden to your spouse. Learn to share him. Accept and expect the unexpected. Stay humble. Listen and listen well. Talk less - save it for work, study and friends; Family mouths will carry information back - don’t!
The other issue I’d had was that his extended and his siblings treated our family like a bank, just because betrothal talks were in full force. They had a debt -they came asking. They have a function - we had to tithe. The sums were nothing less than $20K; Conversion to American dollars it would’ve been around US$10K - US$15K, depending on how strong the Australian dollar was. We felt exploited and convenient. I felt that my mother in signing the cheques, was an enabler and was effectually setting us up for failure. If that was to be the norm, before marriage, the amounts would only increase to an exponential sum, when married.1 -
Like I said before, I was all for marriage and all when I was young but the more I've meditated, the more I feel like why though. That whole "partner for life" and those things just don't justify. Since WE created this why can't we be together without this "marriage". Also, "thick and thin" so where one person would be going through struggle now there would be two of us drudging along.
Only thing I am totally against for now is, spending a lavish amount on the wedding and the events which my family and extended family are looking towards. I just want court marriage and party that's it. Not like 4 functions before the wedding then party. However, the girl may have other plans so who knows where it'll all end up.
Agree, that when you’re not of a Western culture, wedding costs are redefined. It seems excessive for such trivial things, to the Western eyes. Sometimes I really internalise this, with every single engagement I’ve had in the Western culture. Only ONE man of the number of men with whom I’d been affianced, dared it all. He was more into my culture than I was. Then again, he is extremely wealthy. My conscience knowing how my relatives are - apart from couple things and societal differentials (me from the pond and he is of the ocean), that just gnawed on me, affected my decision. We’re still friends and he shares everything with me, including his women.
The traditional pill is a huge pill to swallow. It’s not for everyone. Always is amusing to see girls who’d grown up idealising what they assume and how they romanticise the traditional wedded life, only to be dunked into the reality that is - what you know and how I know it to be.
Ditto you too … Everybody else in your family have long-standing marriages until death, with the normal couple seesaws.1 -
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