WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR SEPTEMBER 2019

Options
1…4748505253…104

Replies

  • Rho97070
    Rho97070 Posts: 84 Member
    Options
    Reinventing Rhonda - Day 13 (yesterday)
    Didn't walk, didn't log food, and didn't check in here.
    Dealt with my car breaking down along the freeway, getting it home, and researching what it's going to take to replace its transmission - a lot of moo-la :#
    I wanted ice cream sooo bad :o but settled for watermelon. Body rejected :s it so ended up eating saltines and sipping 7-Up while watching movies with my BF. Feeling better this morning. Already went for my walk. ;)

    Whew! Lots to catch up on from Friday! Sorry this is a long post :|

    Newbies You found a friendly and supportive group. I'm new too, as of the 1st. Welcome and good luck on your journey :smile:
    barbiecat wrote: »
    :)MIchele, . . . Come from a place of love with your children and leave the results to them.
    I'm with Barbie on this - Trying to control things often ends up in misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and emotional energy and time spent that could be used on things that bring joy and happiness. I'm also with your DH's thinking that you're over-thinking stuff . . .

    Who is included your will and to what extent is your business. If you're concerned that the rings, wait to see how things turn out and/or pass them on at a later date when you are ready to pass them on. The best you can do with your DD is build the relationship so she feels comfortable confiding in you and provide her with a safe landing spot should she need it. As for your grand-child, if interests differ from one/both parents, its between them to work out. All you can do is provide unconditional love and cherish the time you have together.

    My adult children sometimes say things that are weird or off-the-wall more so as adults than when they were young! It used to be I was pretty free with my opinions about what they were doing and how I wanted things. I'm their mother and felt I had the right. To avoid issues and let them live their lives (and me, mine) I've trained myself to redirect conversations swiftly so they don't turn in to controversies and respond sweetly, simply and non-noncommittally by saying things like "I hadn't thought of that" (even when I had) or "Hmm, really? Do you think so?" (then just keep quiet) and "Okay, sure." (agree to do things their way when the result really doesn't matter). I also exercise my boundaries: "I'm sorry. I'd love to be able to loan you money, but if I do now I might end up on your sofa later!"

    I also like Lanette's suggestion. <3 and I hope I haven't offended with supplying my feedback :neutral:

    Wills, in general: My divorced parents died, mom had no will. Dad had a will, but it split things up unevenly. Both messes took years to clean up and resulted in me being the only one that speaks to all four of my siblings. My will is in place - every thing split equally between my children. I'm determined to leave the smallest possible footprint/physical/financial or emotional mess.

    M in Oz "I read a recent report and he was a hair's breadth away from dying . . . "
    Yup, they don't tell you that. Hearing it could make some people hysterical and/or lose hope.

    My son was an athlete, slated to debut snowboarding in the Olympics the year his accident happened. We (me, the ex and his 2nd wife) took turns being with our son nearly 24/7 throughout his ordeal. My ex is a fairly renowned acupuncturist. He treated our son with acupuncture almost every day beginning with day 2 after the accident. Of course, rehab folks are incredibly helpful, but I firmly believe that my son's progress was due to the acupuncture and his own will.

    His coma lasted about a month, during which we read stories and poems and sang songs that he loved as a child. He regained speech (simple thoughts) and the use of his hands and arms fairly quickly after waking up. After he woke up, we brought him fresh/healthy organic foods to eat, got him out in nature by wheelchair as much as we could, and watched surfing and skiing movies with him. He remained paralyzed nipple down, incontinent and unable to walk after he woke up. We brought him fresh/healthy organic foods to eat, got him out in nature as much as we could, and watched surfing and skiing movies with him. A lot.

    About six months after the accident, my ex and I talked about whether we should scale back our encouragement for our son to try to walk and accept that the doctors were right - he never would. That same day, my son announced he was going to walk and did - two steps forward and back despite having no feeling nipple down. He stayed in the rehab hospital 10 months and received out-patient rehab for nearly two years afterwards. It took about four years for things to normalize - for him to walk well, do everything on his own and for his thinking capacities to get better overall. Five years after the accident, twenty or so family and friends gathered for a day in of downhill skiing and snowboarding with our son to celebrate. Statistics can point to probabilities, but they are not an assurance that things will turn out one way or another. Hang in there!

    Thank you for sharing what happened with your hubby and how he's doing. Having seizures is/can be a very big factor in how things proceed. Your husband took quite a blow. He's done well, no doubt with a lot of your support <3 P.S. I hope YOU are feeling better soon!

    Karen VA Your Olivia is absolutely adorable ! <3 !

    Lisa in AR Who here doesn't appreciate getting flowers? What a nice gesture and stunning arrangement!

    Okay, nuff said - Today's a new day.
    Meditate
    Log foods
    Take another walk, maybe
    Complete tasks not done yesterday
    Prepare for day Grand D's b-day surprise tomorrow. A day with her and a friend at a water-park :smiley:

    Have an awesome Saturday, everyone!

    Rho (south of PDX)









  • barbiecat
    barbiecat Posts: 16,962 Member
    Options
    :)MIchele, The question Denise should be addressing about P.J. is regarding her will along with her husband. Do they have provisions in their will for who will care for P.J. is they both die at the same time? That is their responsibility. Asking you if you've provided for him is more greed or entitlement. When I was a child, I knew that my parents had a will because they reviewed it every year and had the same fight about which relative would be a suitable caregiver for my sister and me if they both died at the same time.

    :) When writing our wills, our lawyer crafted the language that made sure that if one of the three adult children were to predecease us, that their share would go to their children who were named specifically in the will. When Jake's daughter died, we revised the will to have her daughter be the one third recipient and her children (our great grandchildren) be the ones to share her share if she predeceased us.

    <3 Barbie in NW WA
  • 1948Peachy
    1948Peachy Posts: 1,511 Member
    Options
    When my Dad passed, all of his possessions went to two of my brothers and their family. We were told by my brothers that he really didn't want to leave my sister and I anything, although, in the end we did get a small sum from land that he had designated my brothers buy from us. My brothers arranged for my sister and I to get my mom's house and possessions when she passed away...she had no money but she did have some beautiful furniture. My sister and I gladly told my brothers that they were welcome to take any of her things that they wanted. The whole episode from the death of both parents left us with a bad taste. I am no Saint...I did go through a time of being hurt but am glad to say I have put the bad feelings away and am just happy that I am out of it now.

    When my in-laws passed, the two sons divided everything between them and I think there were no hard feelings in the end.

    Carol in GA
  • bananasandoranges
    bananasandoranges Posts: 2,410 Member
    Options
    I work for the government and we are not allowed to work past 67 here, when for the government and possibly for many large companies too.

    @ginnytez thanks for your sympathy and understanding. I'm sorry about your friend and colleague. I'm not sure quite what you are talking about. It sounds like embezzling, or maybe cheating. If you feel stabbed in the back, and it makes things difficult for you, I guess the thing has impact on you beyond the person's lying in an abstract sense. I think you should protect yourself and do what's right but if you're able it might be helpful to feel less stabbed in the back to see if you can find compassion and understanding for the person (if that's possible). Even horrible cheats and liars are probably not ok somewhere deep down, even if they are psychopaths. It doesn't mean one wants to be anywhere near them. I think when I've been deeply betrayed I also am at some level unhappy with myself for having trusted the person, for not having known. On the other hand there is something healthy about trusting people.

    @lhscapil what do you mean about the trickster inside moving things from high to low expectations.

    @bwcetc terminology: I'm talking about our own expectations of ourselves, not others. I'm probably exceedingly unconcerned about others expectations of me on a personal level, but probably working in higher ed with eveluations and untenured position I can't help but be someone concerned with others perceptions of me and expectations of my work (as functioning art of a team in a place of work) high expectations: putting the bar very high. low expectations: not exactly pessimistic but requiring little of oneself. tomorrow Sunday I'm going to take a shower, get dressed and watch Netflix. high expectations: get up at 5am, meditate, write for an hour, clean, go to the gym at 7, work from 8 to 12 on writing project, and so on. also long term not goals or goals.


    @barbiecat small expectations to be able to accomplish them sounds sort of relaxing in a way.

    @janetr7476 in France there is a very standard way of divying up belongings will or no will: other than certain rare exceptions, the spouse gets x, the children, estranged or best buds get equal parts between them, if no kids no spouse, goes to next of kin, etc. I think there are ways to give money to some degree before death but it can still be counted as part of the whole estate (if you gave 50K to one kid and not to the other). I'm not too up on it but did look into it some years ago for friends for various reasons. do you think you could get a common friend to talk to you guys about it (or to him) or surely there is a little video that warns about things that could come up if there is no will. it would be such a shame for yous to be fighting for years if there were no will. can you ask him if that's what he wants? can you make a will without him, for if you die first? I think you must be able to. maybe that would put the thought in his mind. he would see you were looking out for him and maybe he would look out for you.is the house in both of your names? will it go to you if he dies? sorry if that is a sensitive subject but you brought it up.


    I was going to make a will a few years ago. but I didn't get around to it. I think I made an appointment and then cancelled it so as to wait for a modification in something or other. I do have beneficiaries to a bank account. I don't have kids nor spouse so it doesn't really matter that much. I don't really care all that much where the money (if there is any) goes. I don't have any or much but I will possibly have the value of a very modest home or something like that. I'll have to look into that deeply some day (or not). I think in France whatever there is (If anything) after taxes would simply be split equally amongst my next of kin (4 siblings, or probably also the children- or grandchildren- of those who might have died before them). My impression is that none of them clearly will need money (all in 50s or 60s), so giving to their kids might be more logical, to the Nieces and nephews from about 18 to almost 40, but then probably also great nephews also around 18, and I guess step niece around 25, not sure about niece's adoptive son (about 12? that I've only seen 2x max very minimally at family gathering or my step nieces two babies, seen 1x for 2h at family thing). Or maybe I can set up a fund for struggling friends around me here: there are and surely will be some. it would be nice to be a ghost-trustee and give to friends and family who need it: struggling cousin with cancer, old friend P. who wants to do x and can't quite, etc. that would be an interesting job as a ghost. LOL if I live to ripe old age I will probably just use it up to pay for expenses in the end and maybe splurge if I see there is some spare. a will would be useful if I die on the early side.
  • bananasandoranges
    bananasandoranges Posts: 2,410 Member
    Options
    so much starch today and not doing well w eating. 2000 calories and almost no exercise. 84 carbs 92 fats 54 proteins.
  • bananasandoranges
    bananasandoranges Posts: 2,410 Member
    Options
    @Rho97070 wow that's amazing about your son's recovery. what a heartening story.
  • bananasandoranges
    bananasandoranges Posts: 2,410 Member
    Options
    I did almost nothing today. I translated a page and went to the big pharmacy that was able to try out different knee braces. since I have an appointment w a specialist on Tuesday they suggested I wait to see what he says. I took a picture of the one that seemed best: one with kind of stiff side ribs and rather thick. the stretchy thin ones really didn't seem to be of any use at all. at the pharmacy they have a whole space for trying on that kind of thing and measuring and so on. one of the guys there is a specialist in that area and as a meniscus torn at present so he was of rather good counsel. apparently even the high quality one with ribs that is around 100+ euros is also mostly reimbursed.

    I guess I will translate some more this evening.

    that is low pressure non-social work.

    felt so much better at the beginning of the week.

    I saw a Ted talk that said that people who are deeply thrown by disappointments are not too pessimistic, they are too optimistic. they think nothing (or many things) will never go wrong and are taken aback when it does.

    I had a nice talk w a neighbour today. She's an ethnologist I found out. She's really upset about the color the inside walls of the common space of the building will be painted (light brown or some kind of yellowish color instead of white). I think white would be nicer, as most people apparently do, but I surely won't lose any sleep about this. she made and circulaTed petitions (which I signed amicably as many others did) and speaks about it regularly with a passion every time I see her for months. we spend very little time in the common space so I don't care very much. just a corridor. maybe I'll feel differently when I see it.
  • pipcd34
    pipcd34 Posts: 16,626 Member
    Options
    at work, adding to the kitty
  • margaretturk
    margaretturk Posts: 5,073 Member
    Options
    Barbara love the Bear Scare!
  • Rho97070
    Rho97070 Posts: 84 Member
    Options
    @Rho97070 wow that's amazing about your son's recovery. What a heartening story.

    It really is. He was an amazing kid and is even more amazing as a man. Everyone loves him (that's not just me/mom speaking). He never complains about anything (unlike me) and emanates love and humbleness. He still visits local hospitals visiting patients that have undergone tragedy, relating his story and giving them hope, volunteers as a Special Olympics ski instructor and with disadvantaged youth. I'm a nobody. My tombstone will probably read "Mike's mom". lol :wink:
  • margaretturk
    margaretturk Posts: 5,073 Member
    edited September 2019
    Options
    janetr7476 wrote: »
    Just going to add my bit on wills. Jack and I DO NOT have one at all and I can't seem to convince him of the necessity of it. We have no, well very little, savings and no way could I live in this house on my income alone. Jack has three children and I have two. My girls have never mentioned or inquired about inheritance, but his three all have asked what they will get. Unfortunately their mother has convinced them he has money. I'm not sure how she thinks this, upon their divorcing she got half of everything, his 401k, his military retirement p!us $1700 per month alimony for 15 years. I'm concerned they will try to overrun me and carry all of his shop tools and equipment and vehicles. It concerns me. I have no care what happens to any of it when I'm gone. When I moved in
    With Jack I gave all my sentimental items to my daughters and let them take with them any items wanted.

    Janetr OKC

    Is his vehicle in your name too? Our lawyer suggest we do this. Our other option is to when one us dies in our state there is a form for the spouse to apply to have vehicle put in their name. Without another name on the title it can be difficult for anyone other than a spouse to sell the vehicle. Is your home in both your names if not I would make that a priority. There will be a charge to change the name on the title and it unfortunately involves a lawyer. Still for your protection it is worth it. Unless he gifts his equipment to his children in a will you as spouse have first rights to those things. Are you the beneficiary on that 401K and any other assets? That is another thing I would make sure of for your own protection. Did you marry Jack? If you did you have more rights. He can still make you the beneficiary on his bank account and 401K without that if you are not married that money will go to his children. There are advantages to Social Security if you are married for at least 10 years.

    This advise goes for any of you who are married or not. Now is the time to make sure finances are in order for your protection you do not want any surprises in the age group we are in . It can be the difference between a retirement that has the resources to sustain you into your later years or one of very difficult times. Not one can this for you. You are the one who has to make sure things are done legally and secure your own future. It is part of living a healthy life.

    If you are living with someone who makes this a difficult process for you all the more reason to get the help you need to get these things done.

    Those of you who own property unless that property is in a trust or there is a living beneficiary on that property it goes to probate which can take years to straighten out. I have a friend who is an executor who is going through this nightmare now. If you own property in more that one state it will go into probate in all states you own property unless you make arrangements when you are living. You are doing this not for yourself but for those who have to clean up the mess. In the case of my friend there will be little left of the estate after the lawyers are finished taking it through probate. The question to ask is who do I want to benefit from my estate my loved ones or the lawyers?

    If you have little estate make this clear to your loved ones so they do not waste their time and money settling your estate. Tell them just to walk away.

    <3 Margaret
  • bananasandoranges
    bananasandoranges Posts: 2,410 Member
    Options
    I spent some time poking around my computer and turned on fire vault.
    I tried opening the terminal (I don't really get code much) and it didn't work. any command gave me a "not welcome' and my name message.
  • cityjaneLondon
    cityjaneLondon Posts: 12,297 Member
    edited September 2019
    Options
    Thanks for telling us your son's story Rhonda. <3
    I have a friend whose daughter had encephalitis at around 20. She had to relearn everything. She is now a doctor.

    I'm at my son's house. DH is reading to the kids. We stopped off at our favourite Persian restaurant for kebab on the way here. Then we had a small beer at the microbrewery. I earnt myself 400 bonus calories today so have 1,000 exercise calories to play with. I had an hour's nap this afternoon, so I'm hoping the walking this evening will tire me out enough to sleep tonight!

    DH and I have made 'Mirror Wills'. The jist of it is that whoever dies first has £100,000 of their estate distributed equally between the four children. (We have two each) The rest is the spouse's. Then when the other dies the estate is divided in a percentage that reflects the assets we had at the time we made the will. I have a lot less than I had then as I have been eating into my savings. DH has by far the most cash assets, though we own our house jointly. If he dies first I will distribute the hundred thousand and then try to spend the rest! I will probably sell our house, buy a smaller apartment and live it up on cruises.
    I have no idea what will happen to all the treasured family photos, my carefully curated manuscripts etc. I'm sure little of it will be of interest. I hope one of the grandchildren might be interested. I am keen to get most of the writings out in print and Kindle so it's not all lost. The photos go back to the 1890s, so I hope someone cares. Love your photo, Carol.

    Much love to all, Heather UK xxxxxxxx
  • Rho97070
    Rho97070 Posts: 84 Member
    Options
    Beth near Buffalo I agree with you on the topic of inheritances and expectations. But for the sake of knowledge, I want to suggest that you dig a little deeper about parents not wanting to go into assisted living so as to enable them to leave something to their offspring. I'm not an attorney and may not have this entirely correct, but I think (in most states) that if a person goes into assisted living and the cost is paid wholly or partially by Medicare, that it's possible for the Feds (or State) to tap into the decedent's estate and reimburse costs. I think setting things up in a trust at least (not sure - is it five years?) prior to going into assisted living and dying can avoid that from happening. Note also: some states have filial laws . . . https://money.cnn.com/2014/06/19/pf/inherited-debt-adult-children/
    i4e8ktiu7teg.png
  • pipcd34
    pipcd34 Posts: 16,626 Member
    Options
    stat for the day:

    TREADmill - 29.27min, 6.0-8.0spd, 138ahr, 153mhr, 5k= 328c
    apple watch 353c
  • coastalgosgal
    coastalgosgal Posts: 2,900 Member
    Options
    👍
  • LisaInAR
    LisaInAR Posts: 2,020 Member
    Options
    Way to go, Connie! Well done on making it to onederland. :smiley:

Categories