How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
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These "my partner has gained weight" threads are always devisive, with about 55% in the "if you truely love them" and 45% in the "you can't help who you are attracted / not attracted to" camps.2
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These "my partner has gained weight" threads are always devisive, with about 55% in the "if you truely love them" and 45% in the "you can't help who you are attracted / not attracted to" camps.
I’m seeing that too, you’re right.
Empethetic communication shouldn’t be a bad thing in a relationship, especially if it’s to the point it’s causing someone concern. If anything that expresses care. It highly depends on the couple and circumstances I feel.
There is a gray area amidst all this black and white.2 -
I could talk to my husband about anything and everything. After he died, I realized that I had entrusted him with things that I had never even shared with family.
I will never have a relationship with a man that I can't have complete transparency with.10 -
I don’t know how serious you are about this relationship. Do you see him as the one? If he is, and your reason for talking to him is because you are concerned about his health. Then YES, by all means, have a gentle talk with him. If it is just a “contest” of, I go to the gym and eat well and you don’t...then I think that’s YOUR problem
and not his. You’ve got to decide which is more important to you, this relationship or maybe moving on.
I believe there are certain expectations we are allowed to have about our partner and how they live, because our lives are completely intertwined.
But I’m in a great relationship for 40 years. I’ve went up and down 30 lbs, and he’s been up and down 50lbs. We love each other any size.
If you ever decide on a life partner, make it someone that you’d still love if their face got burned off.
By the way, my advice isn’t “old folks” advice. I met this man when I was a young, thin, beautiful 19 year old.6 -
Are you concerned for his health? Then talk to him about it. Obviously only he can change, but there is a level of denial happening when someone is gaining weight and maybe that's happening with him and he's just not seeing what you're seeing. He knows he's gained some but doesn't see it as a huge deal and by the sounds of it, it will be down the road if he doesn't start taking care of himself.
I mean... just whatever you reason, you should be able to talk to him about it.
It doesn't matter what HE would do if you gained weight. B/c that's not the situation you're having.
He is gaining and you're concerned? not attracted anymore? whatever.
If he's someone you were wanting to stay with... you're going to have to speak up. It's not going to be a nice conversation but not all of them are sometimes.2 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.
I think what some of us who've spent time in long term kinda successful relationship are saying is that "You're getting take away again? That's so bad for you." may not be the most effective way to clarify your feelings or expectations.
One general route is something like "I'm concerned about your health, because I love you and hope we'll be happy together for decades to come. Is there something that's making it hard for you to eat nutritiously and stay at a healthy weight, so we have the best odds of a good life together? How can I help?"
There's a decent chance that the bold phrase would solve the problem by scaring him off. (We've barely moved in together and now she's talking about decades?) Hmmm, just crossed my mind that maybe he knows the carryout and weight gain bothers her, and he's just hoping to be saved the trouble of being the bad guy and breaking up with her, by convincing her to break up with him ...
I think she said they'd been together 3 years.
In a relationship, yes, but not living together. And she's said they're both in their 20s. It's not uncommon for people in their 20s to move in together without seeing it as a prelude to marriage.
The OP said,I agree, I think its because he's too comfortable. I think when you stop trying in a relationship things start to go down hill. I'm not talking about gaining weight due to illness or getting older. Obviously looks and superficial things fade over time and thats fine but in a 3 year relationship in my 20s I want the attraction to be there and it still is. I'm just worried it will get out of control he gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and he binges on endless junk. I wouldnt expect him to be as strict as me but its worrying what he puts into his body. We moved in together 6 months ago and being around him more has made me much more aware of the problem he has with food. He never srpps eating and its never anything good.2 -
msalicia07 wrote: »Hoping to hear an update. I am one of the few that think you should bring it up if it effects you. Why not? He communicates to you what he thinks, it should be mutual.
Also, you’re definitely not shallow, and everything you said made sense to me. Not sure why there was so much push back on this thread, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re relating their personal experiences which are completely different than your own.
I'm pushing back not because of her issue, but because of the way she is (not) handling it.7 -
msalicia07 wrote: »Hoping to hear an update. I am one of the few that think you should bring it up if it effects you. Why not? He communicates to you what he thinks, it should be mutual.
Also, you’re definitely not shallow, and everything you said made sense to me. Not sure why there was so much push back on this thread, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re relating their personal experiences which are completely different than your own.
So are we... I doubt we will get one. 🤷🏼♀️4 -
My husband gained a bit of weight (maybe 6kg) last year or the year before, I don't remember, and it was just portion creep/less exercise. I didn't mind but I did comment on it just because in 15 years of marriage it was the first time I noticed his body changing in any way. He very slightly altered his portions and was back to how he'd looked before in a couple of months, and I never asked him to do it--if he'd said he wanted to say the previous weight I'd have been fine with it. In his case he hadn't noticed.
This year he took up running and now he's the slimmest he's been since we were 16 year olds, maybe down 11 kg from his highest. It's all on him. I like how he looks now, though. We're both probably the fittest we've ever been.4 -
Just because she didn’t post it here doesn’t mean she hasnt dealt with it. She’s not obligated to give us an update either. 💁♀️
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Maybe she should just start intercepting the food and eating it herself. That will tackle both ends - reduce his intake, and give him a reminder what it is doing to him when he sees her slowly lose her trophy status physique.
Really it feels there are ways to have this conversation that aren't that painful or seem shallow. Just ask if everything is okay with him because he seems to have had a change in eating patterns. Unfortunately OP might be too focused on what the change in diet is doing instead of worrying about why it change.6 -
kshama2001 wrote: »@Dolly989 so, did you talk to him?
You crack me up with this.8 -
Me personally, I probably wouldn’t say anything. He likely realizes he’s gaining weight and doesn’t need you pointing it out to him. In my relationship, I know it would hurt my feelings if I gained a lot of weight and my husband commented on it, so I’d probably not say anything to him about it because I know I wouldn’t like it if he did the same thing.
For any results to actually stick, it has to be his decision anyway.2 -
You are asking for approval for a decision you have already made. Be honest - it is the most important thing. Tell him how you feel.
In truth in your 20s you are not yet set on who you are as a person. You can either live with the changes you partner goes through and vice versa, love the changes in them and vice versa or hate the changes in them and vice versa. Hating something about your partner will build resentment and not end well.
Be honest!6 -
magnusthenerd wrote: »Maybe she should just start intercepting the food and eating it herself. That will tackle both ends - reduce his intake, and give him a reminder what it is doing to him when he sees her slowly lose her trophy status physique.
Really it feels there are ways to have this conversation that aren't that painful or seem shallow. Just ask if everything is okay with him because he seems to have had a change in eating patterns. Unfortunately OP might be too focused on what the change in diet is doing instead of worrying about why it change.
The disagrees, do they understand the first paragraph is sarcasm?6 -
frankiesgirlie wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »@Dolly989 so, did you talk to him?
You crack me up with this.
I'm not willing to invest more energy into this than the OP is
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I'm an old guy, married 40 years, so what I think probably won't be of interest to a 20-something.
I used to be young (and thin) once. When DW and I were in our early 20's we were both in great shape and physically attracted to each other. Over the years, we both put on some weight (me more than her). We remained attracted to each other - but in a somewhat less physical way - if that makes any sense. While the physical attraction was still there, it was further down the list than when we were wild teenagers or hot 20 year olds. Neither or us would have ever brought up the other's persons weight unless it was in the context of helping each other - and then only if the other person was trying to lose weight. If my wife made comments about what I was eating, or told me I was letting myself go, etc - well I doubt we'd have made it 40 years. Fortunately, we have always respected and supported each other in everything. While physical attraction is important to a certain degree, if that's all you got, then it's not going to last.
Not knowing you, and based solely on what I gather from reading "between the lines" in your posts, I think it's probably time for you to look elsewhere. I don't think you're going to be happy with him long term. You're NOT going to change him. If you can't see yourself with him if he gains another 20 - 50 lbs, then you might as well cut your losses and find someone else. Find yourself some guy that is as into physical appearance / fitness as you are.17 -
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Thanks, but I'm the lucky one!5
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