The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living

@Ke22yB, you are always such a great inspiration. Thanks for that!

So Monday I return to juvenile detention. In preparation, I went back to last April 1, which was when I went AF and maintained that until the end of June. I'm not even sure of the number of days . . . at least 80. Then the tinnitus really knocked me off track, and I've been off and on since late summer, which feels like yesterday but I realize is 3 months of frustrating non-success.

Reading my posts while AF for that period reminded me of how wonderful I felt and how great my sleep was and how entering juvie with no hangover was so pleasant. My last two months there were so much better than the first 7 that I almost rescinded my resignation. I'm so glad I didn't. My health fell apart after May. I'm back to healthy again.

BUT, as I return to work Monday in a wildly less stressful capacity, I feel I really must be completely alcohol free. I've had more AF days than not since August, but that's not going to cut it when I must get up by 6 a.m. ready to roll every morning. I know that many "experts" recommend setting an intention to be AF for 100 days or 90 days or whatever. I'm setting my intention to be AF for this school year. I have no idea how many days that is, but from now until the first Monday in June. I don't even remember the consistent good sleep now, but that is something I look forward to.

Here's to a wonderful December, everyone!

@donimfp On a sad note, I saw the young man who was stabbed in London worked with young inmates educating them on law. Made me think of you.

@JenT304 Good plan- pop in and out of holiday parties. I don't really have any planned this month, but I'm sure some Will evolve.

Tips: Have no alcohol at home. When I have a craving, it helps immensely not to have anything here In my apartment or I will drink it.
Splash of Cranberry juice in seltzer with some cranberries as garnish

Since I've cut way back on alcohol and have gotten acupuncture, my hot flashes are almost non-existent. Hooray! The acupuncture has been specifically for menopause; seems to help.

What are some good apps for dry January? When I did Dry January last year, it really set off some positive behavior. I'm an all or nothing girl- just can't sip, I chug. So, it's best I just abstain.

@Ke22yB What a refreshing holiday table! No alcohol and just good feelings and conversation.

@IWillTakeBackMyLife , how wonderful that you trust those of us on this forum. Your pain is so evident. I can’t even imagine 232 AF days. My knee-jerk response is that 1 day out of 232 days is no big deal. But obviously it is a big deal. I’d just like to encourage you to “try” therapy. Having an insightful, empathic person in my corner has meant everything to me. It sounds like you need that person who can really be there for you and to whom you can safely unload. And my therapist has given me so much insight into myself in addition to the listening ear. I know I may be lucky to have found a person with whom I really click, but you sound like therapy could be a valuable asset for you. Above all be kind to yourself!

Iwilltakeback..............I have a brother who was a terrible alcoholic and abused drugs for years......about 30 years. He drank daily, had 6 DUI's and had a terrible temper when he drank........I gave up on him
on Dec of 2004 he stopped drinking.....totally and stopped getting high........that's it . He stopped cold turkey. For about 8 months or so I knew he stopped but stayed my distance
After about 1 year I got involved with him again, we visited , did stuff and I really, really never knew he was so nice, so caring and nice........just a pleasant brother to be around

He told me last year, about 14 years AFTER he stopped that one night he drank some wine...........and that was about 8 years ago, so after 8 years he had one drink

He felt bad, asked himself and God for forgiveness and put it behind him....its over and done with. He now is retired , does Hospice work, he went thru the training and also does Meals on Wheels..........

he is very religious too........

so, don't kick yourself to death.........you have done great, look at all the days you DIDN'T drink.............you have on slip up.............

If my brother threw in the towel 8 years ago with one slip up, he wouldn't be a great person today..........

keep in touch with this site.........people really care

@IWillTakeBackMyLife I've done it we've all done it here. I would feel stress boom grab a beer. Something happens to make me uncomfortable run to the fridge grab a cold one.
Dont be upset your human. Life can get tricky.
Have something to eat, take a shower, rest your mind, forgive yourself and move on. Peace and blessings to you.

@IWillTakeBackMyLife I love your username! You will take back your life. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is messy and has ups and downs. You did so well for so long. One bad day isn't as bad as you think. It also sounds like you give way to much of yourself to others; it is time to be selfish for once. Focus on YOU and your needs. The world will keep spinning. You are the priority for now. Please do that for yourself. You are full of too much guilt. Take a step back and please don't dwell too much on this.

I also recommend two authors and youtube videos you can view on the subject of not being too hard on yourself. Look up Miguel Ruiz and/or Eckhart Tolle. I watch their videos and it really brings things back into perspective.

I agree with others please find a therapist. It really is a liberating feeling telling someone all your fears, secrets, shame, and guilt... it unburdens you. IT really does. You will feel so much better if you talk to a therapist. Come back to this thread and let us know how you're doing today. We care about you. xo

Broke my sobriety of 232 days on Dec. 2 as I said, and Dec. 3 I also drank. After that though I am sober 4 days now. Feeling optimistic about the future and confident that I can bounce back no matter what. The best tool I have at my disposal is my resilience, 232 days of resilience doesn't mean nothing, I'm not the same person anymore. I'm back on the horse and staying on it for good. I didn't really get drunk, just buzzed. Just getting buzzed was enough to bring me back to the hell I used to live in. Got sick for a couple days. I'm quite chipper now though, and back to daily walking, cleaning up the house and staying on top of things. I don't feel devastated or like I lost anything by breaking my sobriety like I thought I would, after all it's not about the number. It's about the lifestyle, the mentality, the eternal choice.

donimfp wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife , how wonderful that you trust those of us on this forum. Your pain is so evident. I can’t even imagine 232 AF days. My knee-jerk response is that 1 day out of 232 days is no big deal. But obviously it is a big deal. I’d just like to encourage you to “try” therapy. Having an insightful, empathic person in my corner has meant everything to me. It sounds like you need that person who can really be there for you and to whom you can safely unload. And my therapist has given me so much insight into myself in addition to the listening ear. I know I may be lucky to have found a person with whom I really click, but you sound like therapy could be a valuable asset for you. Above all be kind to yourself!

JenT304 wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife You are a valuable member of our community here. I am terribly proud of you. 232 days sober is an amazing accomplishment. Way better than I have ever done. Despite all the BS we must put up just by being human, life CAN be beautiful for you. Your happiness matters. I urge you to seek therapy for your depression. You have your whole life in front of you. You deserve to feel peace.

It's always in the back of my head as something I should do, but have doubts about. I've been putting everything off mental health wise for a very long time for many reasons. Many times I feel like it'd help... other times I feel like I don't deserve it. Thanks for the kind words.

lloydrt wrote: »

Iwilltakeback..............I have a brother who was a terrible alcoholic and abused drugs for years......about 30 years. He drank daily, had 6 DUI's and had a terrible temper when he drank........I gave up on him
on Dec of 2004 he stopped drinking.....totally and stopped getting high........that's it . He stopped cold turkey. For about 8 months or so I knew he stopped but stayed my distance
After about 1 year I got involved with him again, we visited , did stuff and I really, really never knew he was so nice, so caring and nice........just a pleasant brother to be around

He told me last year, about 14 years AFTER he stopped that one night he drank some wine...........and that was about 8 years ago, so after 8 years he had one drink

He felt bad, asked himself and God for forgiveness and put it behind him....its over and done with. He now is retired , does Hospice work, he went thru the training and also does Meals on Wheels..........

he is very religious too........

so, don't kick yourself to death.........you have done great, look at all the days you DIDN'T drink.............you have on slip up.............

If my brother threw in the towel 8 years ago with one slip up, he wouldn't be a great person today..........

keep in touch with this site.........people really care

I appreciate you telling me that story. I'm glad that your brother came out of it so well, my father was and is an alcoholic and I never really knew what he was like before that. One time he was sober for a year but he was even worse sober. His only attempts at caring and being nice were manipulative ploys he would use against people. There are many types of drunks, angry ones, emotional ones, I personally just sit alone in my room listening to music and watching TV when I would get drunk. It turned me into a recluse. I am going the route of your brother on this one, and moving past this slip up. Only way to go.

whitpauly wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife ,I'm so sorry,do you know what happened to make you wanna drink? Brush it off,I once had a relapse and one of my support group ladies said to just be like Taylor Swift and "Shake it off" sounds dumb but it made me laugh and I didn't feel that heavy sadness as much,this is WHY I continue to come here daily to protect my quit,this thread has been very quiet so I post on the less alcohol thread and it still helps,we gotta keep it fresh in our minds what our goal is and to work on that on a daily basis,not dwell on it but defo keep it front and center in our minds,hope all are well and wishes for a fab AF day 💖

I went to hang out with my room mate's family for Thanksgiving. There was an alcoholic there who was very sick and vacant. His behavior and demeanor reminded me of how I used to be, and I felt a strange connection with that emptiness. Everyone started drinking right before I left and he lit up and turned into a different person once he had some. I didn't think much of it. Went home and ran straight to the bathroom and hid in the bathroom drinking straight out of a bottle. Caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. My face was miserable. "What the hell are you doing? Are you out of your mind?", I asked myself, and there was no answer.

Sat down at my desk and had a few more. I wasn't panicking, wasn't feeling anything. I was just like, "I feel better now." The next morning I woke up sick and told myself that was the end of it, then halfway through the day I felt the "hunger" or the "addiction" seeping back in, screaming at me to drink. I avoided it most of the day but finally caved out of nowhere, once again running for it and drinking it without thinking.

After that I was able to deny it and now I'm fine. It isn't weighing as heavy on me as before. I have shaken it off, and it has taught me a valuable perspective. All is well, good day to you as well.

aroze0928 wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife I've done it we've all done it here. I would feel stress boom grab a beer. Something happens to make me uncomfortable run to the fridge grab a cold one.
Dont be upset your human. Life can get tricky.
Have something to eat, take a shower, rest your mind, forgive yourself and move on. Peace and blessings to you.

The mind is feeling rested now. I have been doing just that. Been cooking really good meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner for me and my room mate every day trying to focus on positive things. It seems what makes me the happiest and helps take my mind off things is not just relaxing myself, but helping others relax and be happy as well and staying moving.

lorrainequiche59 wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife Hugs

RubyRed427 wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife I love your username! You will take back your life. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is messy and has ups and downs. You did so well for so long. One bad day isn't as bad as you think. It also sounds like you give way to much of yourself to others; it is time to be selfish for once. Focus on YOU and your needs. The world will keep spinning. You are the priority for now. Please do that for yourself. You are full of too much guilt. Take a step back and please don't dwell too much on this.

I also recommend two authors and youtube videos you can view on the subject of not being too hard on yourself. Look up Miguel Ruiz and/or Eckhart Tolle. I watch their videos and it really brings things back into perspective.

I agree with others please find a therapist. It really is a liberating feeling telling someone all your fears, secrets, shame, and guilt... it unburdens you. IT really does. You will feel so much better if you talk to a therapist. Come back to this thread and let us know how you're doing today. We care about you. xo

I will check out the YouTube channels. I'm still open to seeing a therapist. Whenever I have tried to open myself up and talk about my feelings it has always been met with a negative, uncomfortable or vacant reaction, whether it be family or friends.

I have no relationship with my siblings. I was the youngest and suffered the brunt of my parents fallout and hatefulness since my siblings moved out pretty early and started their own lives. My mother would always tell me the only thing that can help me is christ because that's the way she dealt with her baggage, she was a cold woman and absent of maternal feelings for the most part. My father was insanely mentally ill and the reason why I turned into an alcoholic, although I take responsibility for it now and don't blame him anymore.

I am lucky to have friends who care about me although the one person I truly trust is kind of a "fixer" that gets pissed off and lashes out if you try to engage them emotionally. They were brought up to never speak about feelings, and if I give voice to any of my troubles even a little bit they get pissed off and yell at me to stop complaining and then try to "fix" things in silence by improving our quality of life. When they can't fix something they get angry at themself, and so without a doubt I am repressing and stressing because of it lately. They are a really good person for everything and a big reason why I was sober for 232 days.

I had a therapist when I was little but I felt like I opened myself up too much to them and got nothing in return. They would apologize every session for not being able to offer any help and I would shut down completely. Eventually they just one day up and quit and I never went back into trying to get help for my mental health.

whitpauly wrote: »

@IWillTakeBackMyLife ,how are you feeling today? Please don't be so hard on yourself,I know that deep remorse and the wondering why did I do that feeling 😔 all you can do is brush it off honestly,great advice by everyone 💗 have a great AF day all!

I'm feeling good today. Woke up, took a shower, got dressed and walked in the rain down to the local market and picked up some tea. It's delicious and doesn't make me sick

Have a great AF day as well!

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I have still been lurking, but not as often. Back in June I had a planned break after not drinking after 90 days. I have had countless start overs since then. At least that means there have been a lot of AF days mixed in with non AF days. It seems like I hit that invisible wall at 35 where I can't drink without gaining weight. As vain as it is, I would say that's my biggest motivator, as I feel really depressed about how large I've gotten. Then I drink to sand the edges off of how terrible I feel and so goes the cycle. Ironically, thinking about trying for another baby keeps me strong in my resolve. I say ironically since I want to lose weight. I'm always better at taking care of others than myself. I'm one heck of a masochist. My last pregnancy was the best I've treated my self in a good 5 years. So I'm using that motivation as a jumping off point. Then it's a nice forced abstention for 9 months. Hopefully that's all I'll need this time to make it a permanent change. Hopefully we'll be successful in trying otherwise I'll need a new plan. So today is day 8. Hope everyone is well!