Intimacy Schedule
Replies
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Sooooo...a lot has been said, assumed, and shared (thanks OP for the last part).
I'm also going to make a big assumption on this relationship which seems founded in traditional mores. Perhaps they are a church going couple or deep in the faith? I would even venture that there are sub/dom roles in the bedroom (not kink, guys, just approach and communication).
As such if it's not working for you, OP, I also think individual therapy (even with your pastor, if you are church goers) could be very empowering if submission is not really your thing anymore or you want to work on your ability to communicate boundaries/needs in the bedroom and beyond.15 -
Wow someone coming through whacking the disagree button in here!2
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IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.12 -
Sooooo...a lot has been said, assumed, and shared (thanks OP for the last part).
I'm also going to make a big assumption on this relationship which seems founded in traditional mores. Perhaps they are a church going couple or deep in the faith? I would even venture that there are sub/dom roles in the bedroom (not kink, guys, just approach and communication).
As such if it's not working for you, OP, I also think individual therapy (even with your pastor, if you are church goers) could be very empowering if submission is not really your thing anymore or you want to work on your ability to communicate boundaries/needs in the bedroom and beyond.
Well said and I think this is probably what I meant. I've never been a female so I really can't comment but I do know that extreme (as in, to the point it seems at their own expense) submissiveness is something some thrive on.
Edit: Not trying to be divisive and I'm in over my head! Was simply observing we're all unique as to what drives us and what we enjoy.3 -
I think when it comes to relationships, every couple is different... you’re going to get 100 different opinions and “this is what works for my relationship” responses. I think 1 thing every couple can agree on is “communication is key.” Take the advice you think will help, leave the rest.
You said you’ve communicated this before and it’s been laughed off, that’s unfair to you. However, I’ll play a bit of Devil’s advocate here (prepared for the disagree button. Lol) and ask how was this addressed? Sex is an uncomfortable topic for MOST people to discuss, even with their partner. So sometimes the conversation takes a light-hearted, joking tone that can lead to misunderstanding the seriousness of the topic. I’m not saying this is a reason for your husband to brush you off, excuse his behavior, or just pat you on the head for being a “cool, good wife.” (I don’t know the full extent of previous conversations, so you could have been very serious- if that’s the case ignore me!) In my experience, sometimes we also have to look at how we are communicating something to others. If we bring up tough topics in a light-hearted manner, sometimes it’s easy for others to interpret that as it’s not so serious and it’s only a minor annoyance you can deal with. Difficult topics are hard to communicate, which can lead to communication break down and other undesirable behaviors and feelings can follow.
Intimacy is a topic I had to grow to be comfortable with and now it stays on the table with my partner. What works for me today, may not work for me in 6 months, so I have to revisit the conversation as frequently as necessary. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader, but I absolutely expect him to respect me and my boundaries.9 -
janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.
Hmm, makes sense. As in, the tipping point is her "choice" or lack thereof. I get it.11 -
Wow! I appreciate all your perspectives.
I posted this here since it is health related. As in sleep. Like I said, I've been super fit and also gained back,etc. but that sleep deprivation has the same negative effects on me. I've never spoken or written about it publicly before.
We are not religious and I don't consider myself to be 50sish 😄 I admit I am giving in though and not choosing myself 1st in this case. I also constantly put myself in his shoes & think about his needs/desires and it just steers me in the just wake up direction everyday. This is awful but I address in in the same way I do exercise. Just do it. Not to say we have a terrible intimate relationship. There are some outside of Crack of dawn days that I enjoy.
I will be talking to him. I'm now very curious to see what his response is!
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Wow! I appreciate all your perspectives.
I posted this here since it is health related. As in sleep. Like I said, I've been super fit and also gained back,etc. but that sleep deprivation has the same negative effects on me. I've never spoken or written about it publicly before.
We are not religious and I don't consider myself to be 50sish 😄 I admit I am giving in though and not choosing myself 1st in this case. I also constantly put myself in his shoes & think about his needs/desires and it just steers me in the just wake up direction everyday. This is awful but I address in in the same way I do exercise. Just do it. Not to say we have a terrible intimate relationship. There are some outside of Crack of dawn days that I enjoy.
I will be talking to him. I'm now very curious to see what his response is!
I think you may need to reframe some of your thinking. I’m very much a “put myself in their shoes” person, but in this case I think you need to take yourself out of your husband’s shoes, because he isn't putting yours on. (From what I’m picking up that is from ignorance since he’s being enabled and not just because he’s a jerk). Your needs should also be considered, instead of just giving in because you know he has needs. His don’t trump yours. I also think you need to refrain from looking at it like exercise- just do it, (even if you don’t want to). Ultimately your choosing to exercise because it benefits your health, but choosing to meet your husband’s needs is negatively impacting it.
I will also encourage you to be VERY CLEAR in your boundaries when you have this conversation. You say you occasionally enjoy the pre-dawn romp, if/when this is brought up in the conversation be careful of a slippery slope. If you too generally say “well sometimes it’s okay” you leave that to your husband’s discretion. Really think about what works, doesn’t work, is negotiable, and is okay with you and your needs. Lay your own boundaries (and be open to some negotiation/compromise-within reason) and don’t leave it open to his interpretation of what he’s hearing. Again- the whole hit him over the head with it. Too much wiggle room and guessing may create a bigger headache.8 -
Try initiating the party on your schedule. Have fun with it...
If it doesn't work and you end up with double the pleasure seek help to work it out.3 -
This is very touchy but I worked with someone who ate apples and fruit because they were bored out of their minds. The spouse didn't even care.
You've got to fix this ASAP. You deserve better, pretty lady.
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janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.
@IronIsMyTherapy This is precisely what I was trying to get across. Being a "good wife" should not be to the detriment to one's own health. I fully appreciate some people are happy with the traditional dynamic, however, clearly the OP is not happy with this arrangement as she has since said she already brought it up with her husband previously and he didn't take it seriously.5 -
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tinkerbellang83 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.
@IronIsMyTherapy This is precisely what I was trying to get across. Being a "good wife" should not be to the detriment to one's own health. I fully appreciate some people are happy with the traditional dynamic, however, clearly the OP is not happy with this arrangement as she has since said she already brought it up with her husband previously and he didn't take it seriously.
Got it...I misunderstood.2 -
IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »Sooooo...a lot has been said, assumed, and shared (thanks OP for the last part).
I'm also going to make a big assumption on this relationship which seems founded in traditional mores. Perhaps they are a church going couple or deep in the faith? I would even venture that there are sub/dom roles in the bedroom (not kink, guys, just approach and communication).
As such if it's not working for you, OP, I also think individual therapy (even with your pastor, if you are church goers) could be very empowering if submission is not really your thing anymore or you want to work on your ability to communicate boundaries/needs in the bedroom and beyond.
Well said and I think this is probably what I meant. I've never been a female so I really can't comment but I do know that extreme (as in, to the point it seems at their own expense) submissiveness is something some thrive on.
Edit: Not trying to be divisive and I'm in over my head! Was simply observing we're all unique as to what drives us and what we enjoy.
Being both female and kinky I CAN comment
I think the problem here is lack of clear communication by the OP. I've observed more communication and negotiation in healthy D/s relationships than in vanilla relationships where the man is expected to be a mind reader.10 -
Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
I see two possibilities here:
1. You did not communicate clearly how important this issue is to you.
2. He's narcissistic, in which case no amount of clear communication will help.
I'm rooting for # 1
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Holy crap. I would punch my hubby in the nose if he woke me up at 3:30 for ANY reason short of the house being on fire, but to service his needs as a "good wife"? Are you kidding me? 3 times a week? If we had conflicting schedules we would work out times we BOTH agree with, or he can wait until I am awake at I time I want to be awake, and showing some interest. Frankly I think he would hate begrudging "because I'm a good wife" but not that in to it encounters.15
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Most people seeing me would call me extremely traditional, but I sure would not put up with this. It’s extremely rude and selfish of him to deprive you of sleep just so he can enjoy himself exactly when he wants. He’s not interested in doing it at a time that good for you? Then he doesn’t get to enjoy himself at all. By the way, we do have the traditional gender roles in our marriage. Absolutely, this is unacceptable!
He’s not thinking of you at all, not whether he’s pleasing you, only himself and he doesn’t care that he’s actively harming you. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture! You really have to put your foot down. This is not being a good wife, but allowing him to abuse you. A good wife does not allow her husband to harm her, because that’s not good for her or for him.8 -
Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
I was about to apologize for opening the floodgates by suggesting counseling first before suggesting communication. But reading this, it seems like the issue may be a bit bigger than what a general health & fitness forum can provide.
Definitely communicate with your partner, but if you two can't come up with something that makes you both happy without the other feeling bad, then you need to seek professional help.3 -
kshama2001 I would run away from home with my little satchel or sleep in my vehicle. Runn oft.
Then I would always have a getaway car and drive off. Put the pedal to the metal and let 'em eat my dust.
There's one word that sums it up for me. Control.
It's taking from a person's free agency and ability to choose.
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So I would suggest scheduling this for NON work days, so he doesnt have to be up SO early. That still accomodates the am. And then he'd have to take early evening during the work week. He can take matters into "his own hands" on work mornings.
Oh no, you do not ruin my sleep. If he is rigid and is not accepting of the fact that his schedule doesn't work for you and isn't willing to negotiate...there are other issues.6 -
OP, don't have sex if you don't want to. And the "just do it" thing isn't you wanting to, it sounds like you give in because you don't want to upset your husband by saying no.
I strongly suggest you tell your husband, in a calm time before going to bed, that you do not want to be woken so he can have sex with you. Outline clearly if you happen to be awake you would be happy to (if you would be) but that you do not want to be woken up.
This will either 1) lead to him understanding and not waking you up. Or 2)he won't care and will wake you up. If it's the former than yay. If the latter, then you have bigger issues than him waking you up.
For the record, I'm team don't you dare wake me at 3am for sex. No way no hell. If I happen to wake, sweet as.4 -
For me, I have always wanted to give my lady what she wants. Therefore, try seducing him after putting the kids to bed, with a rub on the belly and a pat on the money, he should be smiling all the way to work while you sleep in. JUST A THOUGHT3
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I can relate a lot to the OP. I used to work in restaurants when my wife and I first got married. I would work 12 hour shifts, late at night, getting home at 2 AM or 3 AM, have to be back at the restaurant at 10 AM the next day for another 10 to 12 hour shift and she would want to get cuddly when I got home. Facing 4 hours of sleep and so exhausted I could barely walk.
There were nights I'd flat out say no and other times I'd give in and literally fall asleep mid act.
Years later, she's post menopausal and I'm fortunate to get "it" a few times a month!
Ah, but there were many years after I stopped working in restaurants and the kids went off to college where it was bliss and both of our schedules and sexual appetites matched perfectly. Surprised the house didn't catch fire those years. We were like horny college kids again ourselves!
Lay the law down, compromise and his sexual drive will gradually fade. Then likely, some day, you'll be sorry that it did. But assure him it's not him and you need your sleep and that you love him.
Hopefully, you'll have the same kind of passion and bliss I've had after 30 years. We've learned sex isn't the only intimacy you have in a relationship and should be secondary to great, honest communication. Hypothetically, if she never wanted sex again with me in her life, I'd never be with anyone else. I'm confident in saying she'd say the same.9 -
crozblues16 wrote: »For me, I have always wanted to give my lady what she wants. Therefore, try seducing him after putting the kids to bed, with a rub on the belly and a pat on the money, he should be smiling all the way to work while you sleep in. JUST A THOUGHT
Since OP has said her husband is not interested in before-bed sex, this isn't at all helpful.2 -
bcalvanese wrote: »You are the WOMAN... You have all the POWER... Just make him follow your schedule or he gets nothing...
Yea and no, does she have the power. When I was married, I would roll over and ask my partner to engage in strenuous activities. If she said no, I do know how to lift by myself. You don't need a partner to achieve "overload". Though, a spot would be nice...🤭8 -
I am just the opposite I don’t get home from work until 3 usually and I’m getting my bf up lol0
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This post made me so sad. Your verbiage was the biggest red flag and you don’t even realize it: “good wife”, “just do it”, he wouldn’t take you seriously, it’s not working for you, you don’t want to, and on and on.
This is what is clear- You don’t care about your needs and he doesn’t care about your needs. It kind of sounds like you think if you don’t rock the boat, you have a really great marriage- “really”! Do you see how depressing that is?? 🥺17 -
Kateinyourdreams wrote: »I am just the opposite I don’t get home from work until 3 usually and I’m getting my bf up lol
If he's good with that, fine. Just make sure you're really leaving him room to say no. In many ways, in U.S. culture anyway, I think it would be more difficult for a man to say no to sex than for a woman, as "real men" are expected to be always ready and wanting sex.1 -
Not married here, but have been with partners long enough to learn that you sometimes have to be very upfront with what's on your mind. There is saying it with hesitation and submissiveness, and then there is putting your foot down and being very clear that you aren't going to put up with it. Your need for sleep is important and he needs to be made to understand that. You matter here, too, OP.2
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If my husband did this to me every other day I would legitimately be a terrible wife. I would be grouchy, mean, anxious, and irrational all day long in my sleep deprived state. It would destroy our marriage if I couldn't sleep, especially 8+ years of it (I am still not recovered from 3 years of kids waking me up). So if he were waking me up this often, me being a good wife would actually be to say no, and set boundaries and find another time for the activity. You need a serious talk and don't let the early morning activity resume till the issue is dealt with seriously back. Like maybe you can agree once a week at 3 am is fine. But other times need to be during awake times.8
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