Not Hungry
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I agree, this was a good post.kerrym1980 wrote: »I agree with Snowflake that it’s a great feeling, as a taller woman, to stand next to a man and not tower over them, something which leaves me feeling very self-conscious (and that’s my problem, not anyone else’s).
I’ve just joined a dating site; it might be good, it might not but I’m not waiting until I think I’m visually worth considering any longer. There is SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN HOW I LOOK, just as there is to you.
I have learnt a few things:
1. Other people see past the things we obsess about far more easily than we ever will. There are special people who, if you let your guard down, will make you feel better, even good, about the thing you hate.
2. If you are down on yourself, you invite others to also be down on you. I saw this in that horrible 3-year relationship. You’re currently seeing it in some of the comments in this thread.
3. ‘I’ll try again when I’m slim’ is nonsense. What it really means, for me at least, is that I have an excuse for not trying. I wonder if you’re saying the same for the same reason.
I remember dating a 6'1" woman (prob. 200 lbs) who LOVED it when I spontaneously carried her into my apartment like a newlywed, though it was marred somewhat by her saying, "I've always wanted to date someone big enough to do that!" I wisely kept my mouth shut about my true feelings.
There is more to me than my looks, but dating sites begin with photos, and I don't think it's wrong for a woman to say "Eh, I'm not really into fat guys...who else is out there?" I have my preferences too and while I wouldn't say, "Well, she's not a freckly redhead and my ideal is a freckly redhead, so no go," I am going to respond to people I do find physically attractive.
1. Ideally, I would rather they simply never bring up my height or size. I don't want someone to attempt to convince me that it's awesome to be my height/size.
2. Very, very, very true. And while people on here have mostly been nice, when you bare yourself like I have done, sharks smell blood in the water.
3. See above remark about dating sites. I don't want to date someone who finds me attractive this way...at least not being fat. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting before dating since I'll have a larger pool of candidates if I'm slim. And it's not fair to the woman for me to date her and expect her to not be able to say anything about my physical appearance, or to expect me to sulk about it when she's trying to be nice.
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Thank you for replying @HerNameIsMischief , and my apologies for inferring something that obviously isn't true in your case.
I understand better where you're coming from as a result.
You're obviously trying to change what you can - which I admire and support wholeheartedly.
For myself, I've got rosacea. Not as badly as some, but for me it's pretty much my unique identifier - the one who looks like a walking advert for "mothers ruin". My nose is sometimes bumpy or even has pustules. It's always red. Makeup doesn't usually help. Comments range from "ouch, that's some sun burn" to "who punched you?" (This from a little boy in a shop) to "Rudolph!" (Granadan chap). The fact that I remember who said what indicates how deeply I felt each comment.
One chap suggested that, as a Priest, I should "wear makeup so that I presented the best side of myself, as God would want me to." Honestly, that's what he said. The fact that ANYONE has the right to comment on what I should or should not do with my own body is wrong. The same goes for you. You do you. You have the right to feel what ever you feel, and to do whatever you need to do to.
I have continued to look for a 'miracle' cure. I've not yet found one. But I HAVE refused to wear make up. I'm me, red nose and all. I don't have to hide that part of me. I don't like it, but I refuse to let it define me.13 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11.
I hate it, even more so because everyone expects me to LIKE being seen this way. "Oh, you're being ridiculous, every guy wishes he were bigger." I feel so angry that other people here can lose a lot of weight and look different AND shut down the rude remarks they might get from people....but I'm going to get them forever and be expected to take them with a smile on my face. In the past, I even considered listing my height as six feet even on dating sites so I didn't attract women who wanted some big oaf.
I do understand this as my SO is 6'9" and gets comments on his height from strangers constantly. I'm appalled at the number of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to ask him how tall he is who probably wouldn't dream of asking someone how much they weigh, or asking a woman her bra size, or any other personal question regarding a visible physical characteristic.
He doesn't shut down the remarks but I do.
As soon as someone opens with "I don't mean to be rude but..." I interrupt and say "Then don't be. It's within your control". 11 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11.
I hate it, even more so because everyone expects me to LIKE being seen this way. "Oh, you're being ridiculous, every guy wishes he were bigger." I feel so angry that other people here can lose a lot of weight and look different AND shut down the rude remarks they might get from people....but I'm going to get them forever and be expected to take them with a smile on my face. In the past, I even considered listing my height as six feet even on dating sites so I didn't attract women who wanted some big oaf.
I do understand this as my SO is 6'9" and gets comments on his height from strangers constantly. I'm appalled at the number of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to ask him how tall he is who probably wouldn't dream of asking someone how much they weigh, or asking a woman her bra size, or any other personal question regarding a visible physical characteristic.
He doesn't shut down the remarks but I do. As soon as someone opens with "I don't mean to be rude but..." I interrupt and say "Then don't be. It's within your control".
Okay, I could be wrong, but I would bet you asked him how tall he was when you first started hanging out. My point is, when something is seen as a positive or admired, people don’t know they can’t ask. Heck, I get people commenting on my long blonde hair all the time. Anyone with a unique trait will get comments about their appearance. Just like when I was pregnant, people would ask how far along I was. I think ones attitude about it says more about them than it does about the asker unless they are being purposely rude or disrespectful. Hope that makes sense.5 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »Idk why you think everyone is turned off from tall guys. I would find a 6'3 man very attractive. Love tall guys.
I don't think they're turned off. Maybe if I was 6'5" or above, women would say that's just too much. But just because they like it doesn't mean I do, and I don't like the image that comes with it, esp. when combined with being bald.
My ds is turning 40 this year. He's 6'8", wears a size 18 shoe, and I can only guess at his weight but I'm thinking around 285-300. Plus, genetics has taken a lot of his hair. He's never felt comfortable in his own skin and hates that he's going bald. BUT he's engaged with life, with friends, with work, and with his gf of over 15 yrs. She's 5'1" tall. They work beautifully together. Sure, he's had his moments in life, like finding out he was diabetic a few years ago because he had a foot issue that was taking forever to get better and the dr. mentioned the possibility of losing his foot. Nothing like a possibility like that to get oneself facing priorities. There are so many worse things in life than being 6'3", long arms, bald, short torso, being called a football player, etc., etc.
I don't know what you look like. But I have a feeling it's nowhere near what you think because I truly believe we're our own worst critic in that respect. Someone has certainly done a good job of drumming self-loathing thoughts into your head. It's sad really. As a PP mentioned you get one go-around in this life. If you don't change things, it's going to be a miserable go-around for you. You deserve better but it's going to take effort. It's going to take a whole different way of thinking.
I wish I could wave the old magic wand for you but only you can change things. Have you always suffered with depression? You need to pick yourself up by the damn bootstraps and do something. If you don't like something and you can change it, then just do it. Some things you can't change and you have to come to terms with them.8 -
"kerrym1980 wrote: »[*] Is there a risk that you never quite meet your goal?
[*]
[*] Have you tried being honest and telling people that you're you're conscious of your height and why?
[*] Is it worth just putting yourself out there for a bit? Talk about your fitness journey in your profile so that people know that the you they see is temporary, and the you they talk to is who you are.
Maybe I won’t be able to reach it. I will have to do the best I can.
I have tried telling people many times. I was always told I was being stupid because other men wished they were taller or bigger.
I don’t want to date looking like this with some disclaimer about how I’m losing weight. I will still be looking the way I am now. If I saw someone else’s profile with some cheerful message about losing weight. I wouldn’t believe them unless they had already lost a bunch. Even then, they’d be seeing a pic of me now. I will have to lose at least 50 lbs before thinking of dating. I have just over 80 left to lose... I am 268 as of this morning and want to be 185.
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I don't know what you look like. But I have a feeling it's nowhere near what you think...
Me right this moment (in airport bar)
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HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
With all this carrying on, I thought you'd be completely different. I'm surprised--do you ever smile? Try that selfie again with a smile, there might just be a transformation. PS: NOT throwing out compliments because not received well.4 -
msalicia07 wrote: »HerNameIsMischief wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11.
I hate it, even more so because everyone expects me to LIKE being seen this way. "Oh, you're being ridiculous, every guy wishes he were bigger." I feel so angry that other people here can lose a lot of weight and look different AND shut down the rude remarks they might get from people....but I'm going to get them forever and be expected to take them with a smile on my face. In the past, I even considered listing my height as six feet even on dating sites so I didn't attract women who wanted some big oaf.
I do understand this as my SO is 6'9" and gets comments on his height from strangers constantly. I'm appalled at the number of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to ask him how tall he is who probably wouldn't dream of asking someone how much they weigh, or asking a woman her bra size, or any other personal question regarding a visible physical characteristic.
He doesn't shut down the remarks but I do. As soon as someone opens with "I don't mean to be rude but..." I interrupt and say "Then don't be. It's within your control".
Okay, I could be wrong, but I would bet you asked him how tall he was when you first started hanging out. My point is, when something is seen as a positive or admired, people don’t know they can’t ask. Heck, I get people commenting on my long blonde hair all the time. Anyone with a unique trait will get comments about their appearance. Just like when I was pregnant, people would ask how far along I was. I think ones attitude about it says more about them than it does about the asker unless they are being purposely rude or disrespectful. Hope that makes sense.
I didn't ask. He volunteered that information.
Maybe I'm old or just old fashioned, but I was brought up that it was impolite to comment on or ask about a person's physical appearance, particularly immutable characteristics (which hair and pregnancy are not). A compliment is different.3 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
Yeah, your self perception is definitely way off and I think some counselling would be a really good idea to get that sorted. It's not about the weight or the height or the baldness, it's about your relationship with YOU.
Objectively, I see a good-looking guy. Eyes are particularly striking. Bald is actually quite flattering on you, I'm having difficulty picturing you with hair.14 -
Maybe this is an artifact of my weird life history**, but having known a bunch of university professors and such who look more or less similar to you, I wouldn't be assuming biker-bouncer-football player stuff automatically.
In some respects, you have some similar appearance characteristics to a casual friend who's a massage therapist. He's also 6'3", salt & pepper beard/moustache, balding, pleasant regular facial features, like you. His facial hair is a darker color amongst the gray so that gives him a different overall look . . . but he's not a whole different physical type. He's also a musician (primarily pianist), interested in intellectual stuff, so it wouldn't startle me to look at you and think of you that way. 🤷♀️ (His weight has varied since I've known him, from quite heavy to fairly thin, and he's done some online dating stuff over the whole time, including some longer stretches with the same women, so I guess women must respond OK to his appearance. It's not something I'd cross-examine him about, so all I know is what pops up in conversation.)
Your expression's a little fierce in this photo, but I get that you just took a selfie on the spur of the moment, so I'm not reading a lot into that. You have nice big eyes, which is a good feature. (I'm not flirting. I'm old enough to be at least your mom, if not your granny, probably.)
Just so it's clear: I wouldn't normally comment on your physical appearance, but you seemed to have invited that in the current context. Apologies if I misinterpreted.
** I worked for a big university for around 30 years, so I'm used to seeing profs and administrators of all physical types and styles of dress, but don't see many bikers (except university-employed profs/admins who are also bikers) or bouncers.4 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
you're a handsome guy. And I wouldn't say that just to make you feel better. Im not willy wonka, I don't sugar coat anything
But looks are only ONE part of a person.
And when you lose weight and people stop asking if you play football and start asking if you play basketball? what then? See? same problems. Just at a different weight.
I truly feel bad for you and do wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, and stand firm that some therapy would really help you. Our value as humans is more than our appearance. Fat, thin, tall, short, man, woman, old, young. We are MORE than that.
I'm short. i love being short. its me. I cant change it. I refuse to wear heels because I refuse to have my feet hurt. Also, heels and farms don't mix well LOL. I don't wear shorts, or anything short, because I'm self conscious about my little ham hock legs LOL. Hubby, for a guy, is short (about 5'7). at least he thinks he is. to me he's tall LOL. He wishes he could gain weight. But he also knows he's blessed to not have the health problems that many men his age (50) has. low body fat, mostly muscle (though HE doesn't see it. I do). perfect labs at the doctor. its in his genetics. yes he has a physical job but most of the guys he works with are NOT slender.
Everyone has issues. No one is perfect. We are all our own worst critics, especially when it comes to our appearance. I can write a list a page long about all my flaws (real or perceived). But I can ALSO write a list that long about things that I DO like about myself, and THOSE are the traits that matter.7 -
[quote="snowflake954;c-45701278" Try that selfie again[/quote]
Me on plane...imo, this makes me look 50 lbs heavier
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HerNameIsMischief wrote: »[quote="snowflake954;c-45701278" Try that selfie again
Me on plane...imo, this makes me look 50 lbs heavier
[/quote]
still cute. look a lot like one of my best friends lol3 -
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FWIW my husband is 6-3 & bald, and with his physical appearance people are always making assumptions. He published a novel recently and seems like some people are astonished that he can write beautifully and has a poet's soul. But the ones he truly calls friends ... they know. And I know. I hope you can find peace, @HerNameIsMischief6
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »And when you lose weight and people stop asking if you play football and start asking if you play basketball? what then? See? same problems. Just at a different weight.
While I might inwardly roll my eyes at a basketball comment, I guarantee it would not be received anywhere near as bad as football. I don’t like my height, but my real hatred is of being seen as big, beefy, bulky, (ugh) “thick”, or “you’re like a big teddy bear.” I doubt I would hate myself as much hearing that, even if I would still rather be seen as average size.1 -
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HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
Symmetric, nothing that looks out of proportion or highly unusual, that sort of thing. In studies, as I understand it, facial symmetry is usually seen as more attractive than asymmetry (i.e. statistical tendency of preferences when large number of people are surveyed).
Nice smile in the 2nd photo, too - your eyes warm right up.4 -
kerrym1980 wrote: »HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
Dating while I look my worst is not a good idea. I'm going to attract far fewer women and often more desperate ones who'd prefer a slimmer guy but can't afford to be picky.
I hadn't quite taken this in the first time round, but no, it's unacceptable and misogynistic to refer to a woman as 'desperate' because she'll 'settle' for a bigger guy. It's also offensive to the guy, who might be the perfect match regardless of what the scale says. That you place far too much significance on appearance does not mean that others do the same.
^^^^^^^^^
I really wanted to respond to this, but think it might be better if I didn't.... AANNNYYWAAYYSS
I have been watching this train wreck of a thread most of the afternoon because I am laid up with an ankle sprain. Bro, take this from one big dude to another. You will not be happy when you reach a certain weight. In fact, you might find you are more critical. After I lost my weight, I hated how I looked smaller. Hell, hard to admit it, but I showered with the lights off for 2 years after my weight loss because I hated looking at myself. Its called body dysmorphia. You usually hear it in the media about women, but try listening to 5 gym bros talk and you quickly realize its unisex. There are always going to be things about yourself you don't like. Some you can change and others you can't. As long as you hate yourself, kind of sounds like you do, you will NEVER be happy. The negative energy you give off will definitely not attract a mate you will want. I know that it wasn't until the last year that I came to terms on my "body" and then, and only then , did I find a partner with the qualities I needed. Find your center..... Then let the rest work itself out.
Best wishes.....20
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