Not Hungry

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Replies

  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    I agree, this was a good post.
    kerrym1980 wrote: »
    I agree with Snowflake that it’s a great feeling, as a taller woman, to stand next to a man and not tower over them, something which leaves me feeling very self-conscious (and that’s my problem, not anyone else’s).

    I’ve just joined a dating site; it might be good, it might not but I’m not waiting until I think I’m visually worth considering any longer. There is SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN HOW I LOOK, just as there is to you.

    I have learnt a few things:

    1. Other people see past the things we obsess about far more easily than we ever will. There are special people who, if you let your guard down, will make you feel better, even good, about the thing you hate.
    2. If you are down on yourself, you invite others to also be down on you. I saw this in that horrible 3-year relationship. You’re currently seeing it in some of the comments in this thread.
    3. ‘I’ll try again when I’m slim’ is nonsense. What it really means, for me at least, is that I have an excuse for not trying. I wonder if you’re saying the same for the same reason.

    I remember dating a 6'1" woman (prob. 200 lbs) who LOVED it when I spontaneously carried her into my apartment like a newlywed, though it was marred somewhat by her saying, "I've always wanted to date someone big enough to do that!" I wisely kept my mouth shut about my true feelings.

    There is more to me than my looks, but dating sites begin with photos, and I don't think it's wrong for a woman to say "Eh, I'm not really into fat guys...who else is out there?" I have my preferences too and while I wouldn't say, "Well, she's not a freckly redhead and my ideal is a freckly redhead, so no go," I am going to respond to people I do find physically attractive.

    1. Ideally, I would rather they simply never bring up my height or size. I don't want someone to attempt to convince me that it's awesome to be my height/size.
    2. Very, very, very true. And while people on here have mostly been nice, when you bare yourself like I have done, sharks smell blood in the water.
    3. See above remark about dating sites. I don't want to date someone who finds me attractive this way...at least not being fat. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting before dating since I'll have a larger pool of candidates if I'm slim. And it's not fair to the woman for me to date her and expect her to not be able to say anything about my physical appearance, or to expect me to sulk about it when she's trying to be nice.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    [*] Is there a risk that you never quite meet your goal?
    [*]
    [*] Have you tried being honest and telling people that you're you're conscious of your height and why?
    [*] Is it worth just putting yourself out there for a bit? Talk about your fitness journey in your profile so that people know that the you they see is temporary, and the you they talk to is who you are.

    Maybe I won’t be able to reach it. I will have to do the best I can.

    I have tried telling people many times. I was always told I was being stupid because other men wished they were taller or bigger.

    I don’t want to date looking like this with some disclaimer about how I’m losing weight. I will still be looking the way I am now. If I saw someone else’s profile with some cheerful message about losing weight. I wouldn’t believe them unless they had already lost a bunch. Even then, they’d be seeing a pic of me now. I will have to lose at least 50 lbs before thinking of dating. I have just over 80 left to lose... I am 268 as of this morning and want to be 185.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 7,513 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    I don't know what you look like. But I have a feeling it's nowhere near what you think...

    Me right this moment (in airport bar)




    With all this carrying on, I thought you'd be completely different. I'm surprised--do you ever smile? Try that selfie again with a smile, there might just be a transformation. PS: NOT throwing out compliments because not received well.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,195 Member
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11.

    I hate it, even more so because everyone expects me to LIKE being seen this way. "Oh, you're being ridiculous, every guy wishes he were bigger." I feel so angry that other people here can lose a lot of weight and look different AND shut down the rude remarks they might get from people....but I'm going to get them forever and be expected to take them with a smile on my face. In the past, I even considered listing my height as six feet even on dating sites so I didn't attract women who wanted some big oaf.

    I do understand this as my SO is 6'9" and gets comments on his height from strangers constantly. I'm appalled at the number of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to ask him how tall he is who probably wouldn't dream of asking someone how much they weigh, or asking a woman her bra size, or any other personal question regarding a visible physical characteristic.

    He doesn't shut down the remarks but I do. >:) As soon as someone opens with "I don't mean to be rude but..." I interrupt and say "Then don't be. It's within your control".

    Okay, I could be wrong, but I would bet you asked him how tall he was when you first started hanging out. My point is, when something is seen as a positive or admired, people don’t know they can’t ask. Heck, I get people commenting on my long blonde hair all the time. Anyone with a unique trait will get comments about their appearance. Just like when I was pregnant, people would ask how far along I was. I think ones attitude about it says more about them than it does about the asker unless they are being purposely rude or disrespectful. Hope that makes sense.

    I didn't ask. He volunteered that information.

    Maybe I'm old or just old fashioned, but I was brought up that it was impolite to comment on or ask about a person's physical appearance, particularly immutable characteristics (which hair and pregnancy are not). A compliment is different.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 25,214 Member
    Maybe this is an artifact of my weird life history**, but having known a bunch of university professors and such who look more or less similar to you, I wouldn't be assuming biker-bouncer-football player stuff automatically.

    In some respects, you have some similar appearance characteristics to a casual friend who's a massage therapist. He's also 6'3", salt & pepper beard/moustache, balding, pleasant regular facial features, like you. His facial hair is a darker color amongst the gray so that gives him a different overall look . . . but he's not a whole different physical type. He's also a musician (primarily pianist), interested in intellectual stuff, so it wouldn't startle me to look at you and think of you that way. 🤷‍♀️ (His weight has varied since I've known him, from quite heavy to fairly thin, and he's done some online dating stuff over the whole time, including some longer stretches with the same women, so I guess women must respond OK to his appearance. It's not something I'd cross-examine him about, so all I know is what pops up in conversation.)

    Your expression's a little fierce in this photo, but I get that you just took a selfie on the spur of the moment, so I'm not reading a lot into that. You have nice big eyes, which is a good feature. (I'm not flirting. I'm old enough to be at least your mom, if not your granny, probably.)

    Just so it's clear: I wouldn't normally comment on your physical appearance, but you seemed to have invited that in the current context. Apologies if I misinterpreted.

    ** I worked for a big university for around 30 years, so I'm used to seeing profs and administrators of all physical types and styles of dress, but don't see many bikers (except university-employed profs/admins who are also bikers) or bouncers.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    [quote="snowflake954;c-45701278" Try that selfie again[/quote]

    Me on plane...imo, this makes me look 50 lbs heavier

  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,633 Member
    [quote="snowflake954;c-45701278" Try that selfie again

    Me on plane...imo, this makes me look 50 lbs heavier

    [/quote]

    still cute. look a lot like one of my best friends lol
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    Bald is actually quite flattering on you, I'm having difficulty picturing you with hair.

    I’m afraid to ask what you mean.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    And when you lose weight and people stop asking if you play football and start asking if you play basketball? what then? See? same problems. Just at a different weight.

    While I might inwardly roll my eyes at a basketball comment, I guarantee it would not be received anywhere near as bad as football. I don’t like my height, but my real hatred is of being seen as big, beefy, bulky, (ugh) “thick”, or “you’re like a big teddy bear.” I doubt I would hate myself as much hearing that, even if I would still rather be seen as average size.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    He's also 6'3", salt & pepper beard/moustache, balding, pleasant regular facial features, like you.

    What does “regular features” mean?

  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 25,214 Member
    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    He's also 6'3", salt & pepper beard/moustache, balding, pleasant regular facial features, like you.

    What does “regular features” mean?

    Symmetric, nothing that looks out of proportion or highly unusual, that sort of thing. In studies, as I understand it, facial symmetry is usually seen as more attractive than asymmetry (i.e. statistical tendency of preferences when large number of people are surveyed).

    Nice smile in the 2nd photo, too - your eyes warm right up.