Not Hungry

if you insist on being miserable, judging yourself unnecessarily, judging WOMEN unnecessarily, rejecting the idea of therapy, and refusing to listen to our kind words, knowledge, and experience. well, some people make their own misery and I, for one, wipe my hands of it.

Best of luck to you. May all your unrealistic dreams come true.

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.

And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.

You have every right to dislike the way you look and not feel comfortable in your own skin BUT, for you, it appears to be an obsession! You're basing ALL your potential current happiness on what you look like. That, to me, is so sad because all this time is being wasted IMO. While you could be out there enjoying a good book, picking up trash(yes, I did that all last summer and it felt GOOD), laughing at a great movie, chatting with people and learning about their lives, you've chosen to hate yourself. I bet if you were able to get out of your head for a bit and be interested in what the next person has to share about themselves, and really listen to them, you'd find after awhile you might not hate yourself so much.
How you feel about yourself shines through. If you hate yourself people are going to be hard pressed to see beyond that. They don't want to be around people who are so bent on self hate. Honestly, being bald, tall, what you consider an oaf, all of that is simply decoration. What's going to happen 40 yrs. down the road; how are you going to feel about what you look like then?? BE interested in others, take a risk and open yourself up to learn about other people for a change, not simply how they feel about your looks.
Take it from a 67 yo female(very thin hair due to genetics) who has weighed anywhere between 129-225 at 5'10". Sure, I wasn't comfortable in my skin weighing 225, being called Moose and every other name in the book. I've been miserable at times due to my appearance. People pick up on that so much more than how they felt about my appearance. It is all about attitude. Carry a smile, ask people about themselves, get out of your own head that's telling you to hate the way you look.

Like I said, you have a right to not like your looks. BUT you've made it into an obsession, a stop sign for not living your life in the meantime, for not giving other potential friends/mates, etc., a chance.

ythannah wrote: »

Not a big dumb oaf.

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

kerrym1980 wrote: »

It doesn't sound at all as though you've accepted it, as evidenced by this increasingly ridiculous thread and other posts you've made elsewhere. You asked for responses, you directed the thread onto this subject and you've had nearly 100 replies trying to support and offer guidance, to the point of people getting fed up. You say you're reading and listening, and yet over and over you reply with the same comments, you stereotype other people despite complaining about being stereoyped yourself and you're frankly insulting to a large group of women (the 'desperate' ones who will 'settle' for you as you are now).

Yes, I have accepted it. I accept that I will probably be bald the rest of my life. Acceptance is not the same as loving something.

Stop trying to turn this into a gender issue. How would you describe men that you didn't want to date? And for the last goddamn time, I NEVER SAID IT WAS WRONG FOR WOMEN TO JUDGE ME BASED ON MY LOOKS BECAUSE I DO THE SAME THING. IT'S HUMAN NATURE. If I were gay or a woman, I'd be saying the same thing about men: "I wish I looked different so that they wouldn't see me as a football player, etc., etc."

And, as I said before, just because I have responses and even arguments about people's comments don't mean I think they're totally full of *kitten*. And if you're fed up, stop posting.

1. Never said acceptance = loving something. You go on and on ad infinitum about it. That's not acceptance.
2. It IS a gender issue when you refer to women who would date larger men as 'desperate' and 'settling'. You've said similar in other threads.
3. I never suggested that you said it was wrong for women - or anyone - to judge you based on your looks, but you have constantly suggested this yourself.
4. You're arguing with people who have tried, for 100 comments, to offer you support. You seem to want to wallow in your misery rather than wrap it up.
5. I'm not fed up. As I said way back, I see a lot of myself in the concerns you have and I started out by wanting to offer empathy and support, but this thread is no longer helping you and, to be honest, you're increasingly unpleasant and argumentative, so I'll wish you well.

glassyo wrote: »

ythannah wrote: »

Not a big dumb oaf.

I'm not usually into guys, but if Picard wanted me on his "away team"..... I might have to fight myself.....

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

kerrym1980 wrote: »

1. Never said acceptance = loving something. You go on and on ad infinitum about it. That's not acceptance.
2. It IS a gender issue when you refer to women who would date larger men as 'desperate' and 'settling'. You've said similar in other threads.
3. I never suggested that you said it was wrong for women - or anyone - to judge you based on your looks, but you have constantly suggested this yourself.
4. You're arguing with people who have tried, for 100 comments, to offer you support. You seem to want to wallow in your misery rather than wrap it up.
5. I'm not fed up. As I said way back, I see a lot of myself in the concerns you have and I started out by wanting to offer empathy and support, but this thread is no longer helping you and, to be honest, you're increasingly unpleasant and argumentative, so I'll wish you well.

1. So what is "accepting" to you?
2. As I said previously, I'd say the same thing about men. Plenty of men are desperate and settle for less for various reasons. Not everyone gets their dream person and yes, a lot of people do settle because they're afraid to be alone.
3. No, I never said that. I suppose you could say I "suggested" it because I didn't add "Of course, plenty of men settle as well."
4. Once again, JUST BECAUSE I RESPOND TO PEOPLE DOES NOT MEAN I AM REFUTING OR SHRUGGING OFF THEIR ADVICE. And I've made more than one post letting people here as a whole know that just because I have a response to what they say doesn't mean I think their advice is crap.
5. You said "people are getting fed up." I presume that that statement, as well as the tone of your recent posts, means you feel the same way. Not to mention that you said more than once that you were giving up because you didn't think I was listening or didn't understand what you were saying. That sounds like "fed up" to me.

I appreciate your past posts and I realize that there's only so much you can say to a guy who says he's unattractive because of things he can't change. I will also concede that some of my more pessimistic remarks were made when I was in a rotten mood, but I still do not believe that looks do not matter, that only shallow people care what another person looks like, or that if someone else thinks I look good, that should take precedence over my own feelings. Plenty of people out there are attracted to fat men/women...does that mean that they shouldn't feel bad about how they look?

The problem is that being with a bigger person doesn't mean you're desperate.

It can be hard to believe this when you're struggling with your own size, but plenty of people are with bigger people because they genuinely like them. You're not part of some underclass that is reliant on pity or desperation to have intimate relationships. I'm not trying to undercut the difficulties people face dating while bigger, but please believe that you're worthy of love.

And no -- I don't think anyone should feel bad about how they look. This doesn't mean that there aren't legitimate reasons to lose weight or that it isn't a project that is worthy of someone's time. But nobody SHOULD be looking in the mirror and feeling bad about that, because that is some rank stuff. I know in practice it doesn't work that way and we DO get down about parts of our physical reality. But SHOULD you, like it's a requirement or better than feeling good about it? No.

I disagree with the (well meaning) folks on here who say you should feel "masculine" and take it as a compliment when women feel small and wonderful next to you. First of all, it's not your job to make other people feel better about themselves in comparison to you. If someone said to me "I feel so small next to you" or "I generally feel stupid but next to you I feel smart" I would be offended too. You also have every right to define masculinity and your desired look which may be different than what others think looks "good" on a guy (which seems to be larger-than-a-woman).

I just would put height and bald in a different category than weight, because you can't change the first two but you can change the third. It sounds like you recognize you need some work in self-acceptance (at least in the first two categories). I was so put off by the thought that you shouldn't worry about being bald because "some women don't care about looks" because that is really misleading. Some women actually find being bald attractive! But I digress.

I'm sure you know this, but confidence is a very attractive quality. Losing weight did make me more confident, but it was really the journey over the year it took to get to my goal, changing my life habits, and looking inward that lead to me accepting myself (disclaimer: it's still a work in progress!). Podcasts helped me a lot. I listen to "We Only Look Thin" and "Half Size Me" and both talk about mindset A LOT. It's hard to undo all the self-hatred, but you can get there. It takes time.

Good luck, and stick with it, despite the reactive responses you are getting. And for whatever it's worth, I opened both your pictures and you are OBJECTIVELY pretty cute to me. Remember women have different tastes - it's not that "some people don't care about looks" as much as "some people find your look attractive." Google my state's Lieutenant Governor (PA) John Fetterman. He's 6'8", bald, and a tough looking dude. Also a Harvard grad, was an incredible mayor of a small town, and now is the best Lieutenant Governor we've ever had. Lots of us don't equate big and bald with oaf.

ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »

I disagree with the (well meaning) folks on here who say you should feel "masculine" and take it as a compliment when women feel small and wonderful next to you. First of all, it's not your job to make other people feel better about themselves in comparison to you. If someone said to me "I feel so small next to you" or "I generally feel stupid but next to you I feel smart" I would be offended too. You also have every right to define masculinity and your desired look which may be different than what others think looks "good" on a guy (which seems to be larger-than-a-woman).

I have searched this entire thread and you are the first person who used the word "masculine," so you are disagreeing with people you have imagined.

This is much closer to OP's interpretation of what other people IRL say to him and mean when they say it than it is to anything that any of the posters prior to you have said.

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

ReenieHJ wrote: »

OP, IMO you have a very skewed perspective of what's important in life and how you play a part in your own life. No one, absolutely no one, is going to be able to convince you that you're a worthy human being. Losing weight isn't going to help. Having a beautiful girl on your arm isn't going to help. Having a full head of hair isn't going to help. People have tried to offer you encouraging words about how they see you and that obviously isn't helpful. The best thing you can do for yourself is seek a qualified reputable therapist to help you accept yourself as you are. Truthfully, the only turn-off I've gotten from you is your self-loathing.

You'd have to have pretty low standards to say that you were cheered by strangers telling you you're a worthy human being. Losing weight will help me. I will never achieve my ideal, but I'm not going to buy that if I lose 50 lbs (I've already lost more than 15), I won't feel good about it. And who are you to say that nothing anyone has said hasn't helped me...especially after I made a special post to let people know that while I often debate or question their posts, I do listen to what they have to say?

Ugh, don't ask me why I engage in back and forth banter like this because it only serves to make my emotions run amok and drive my blood pressure up. But while outside shoveling the driveway, my thoughts looped and looped around this whole self-obsessed self-hate thread. I'm nobody. Ok? Absolutely nobody. Just some empty words on a screen because you started this whole thread. BUT your obvious obsession about not accepting what others have said to the point of trying to drill out every tiny little thought they may have about bald men, why they can't picture you with hair, trying to make you feel good about your height and baldness all while every one of your replies focuses on how much you loathe yourself and the image you seem to think you portray. If you're not happy with yourself, do what you feel you must do and can do, to change that. He!!, maybe we're all completely wrong(and I KNOW I wasn't the only one to mention it or feel that way)about how changing your weight won't change a thing. Maybe I should've added the word probably. I feel, that *probably*, from all your posts I've read and remember, that *probably* you are a depressed and sad self-hating kinda guy who hated staying with his mother and step-father(who you clearly hated because you mentioned wishing him dead); you seem to need to emphasize over and over how you hate the image you seem to portray to other people. Many people have said the smile makes a big difference in your presentation of face and attitude. Many people have suggested therapy to gain a better self-image.
If you're listening to replies, then great!! I just felt that your questioning every single little piece of wisdom and insight posted trying to help you was *probably* not being accepted.

*sigh*
Good luck!

ETA: if you're not looking to strangers for advice and cheering on, then WTH are you looking for?? And Why are we even having this conversation?

I’m agreeing with the others that you have to find a way to love yourself, to accept your flaws as things you can’t control. My husband is a big dude. He’s 400 lbs, bald, size 15 feet. He’s 5’9 so pretty short. I know he is very insecure about his size or features. He’s had to adapt for himself. He does choose to be bald though as that’s what he likes for himself. He’s got HULK feet (his term) from genetics along with his big head (also his statement). I think he’s learned to embrace the things he can’t control in the ways that he can. He embraces it with his humor so he might still be crying inside but doesn’t take it out on others who try to compliment or make a comparison on his size. When a 5 year old compared him to a gorilla as he was in a grey shirt, while the parents were appalled he admitted to me to say ‘she’s not wrong’. His back does look like a silver back gorilla in the grey shirt. He’s also a very intimidating dude. He doesn’t like when I say that about him but he is when he’s not showing his jolly/funny self.

His size or features aren’t what I’m attracted to nor why I started to date him. (Not saying he's ugly either though) Opposite in fact. First meeting via online dating didn’t go well so I had turned him down and didn’t meet at that time. I had lost 60 lbs at that point so I was concerned his lifestyle would cause me to gain the weight back. I gained it back anyway, away from him, but at least it was due to me. Real life occurred and we ended up meeting through mutual friends. There was an instant connection even though I remembered I had turned him down but couldn’t remember why it didn’t go well at that time; he didn’t remember me. I didn’t love his size but I loved his personality. He’s a very sexy man due to his personality. He’s funny, caring, loyal to his friends and family. For his health I wish he could get himself in position to lose weight but he’s just not there yet and maybe never will. Before we got married he did push me away due to his insecurities. Now he regrets that he did so that we would have not taken so long to get married. I love him for who he is so yes there’s girls out there that aren’t with their person for the looks. I’m not really into bald heads but I’m not going to ask him to change as he likes it and he accepts the same from me for the things I do to my hair that may not be his preference.

My losing weight way back then definitely didn’t solve my self esteem issues. They just were different as then I’d start to worry if the guys were only with me because I wasn’t fat; so what would happen if I gained back was then the worry.

Yes online dating may not be for you but keep in mind for those you may see out. Your person may not be who you'd typically pick but they may just be it.

Best of luck with your journey. Being on here and working on your weight is a great first step for the changes you can make that you can control.

ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

I have searched this entire thread and you are the first person who used the word "masculine," so you are disagreeing with people you have imagined.

Hi there - it's on p. 2 of the thread. I did not quote it directly because the person who posted it clearly meant what she said in a supportive and loving way, so I did not want to call her out directly, I just wanted to respond to the sentiment because I disagree with it. Here is the quote - from a post on the middle of p.2"

"And THIS is exactly your problem--you should feel wonderful, powerful, masculine,....... The question is --why not? You need to figure it out. "

The person who posted this said several times in different ways that OP should take it as a compliment when women tell him they feel so good and small next to him because that's how this person feels, even after the OP made it clear he sees that as an insult. I just wanted to chime in with my take too.

Thanks for the reply - I think it's fine that folks can have different thoughts on the OP's situation. I just prefer to respond to the ideas I disagree with and not make it personal about who posted it. That's the beauty of the message boards - people can all have different ideas and give their opinion and different people will get different things out what they read. It's a good community for that reason.

Yup---I'll own it. And I did try my best to find out exactly why the OP is so insistent. It's a shame and all the women that are trying to explain how women really think about men and their looks--all brushed off. Ironic because he wants to date and attract the "right" woman, who won't love or be attracted to him for himself but some image he wants to build. Nothing will last on that foundation. So, after learning more about the OP and his problems--going to let it slide. Everyone has a right to their ideas. About that you, and he, are right.