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Relationship Compatibility

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  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 607 Member Member Posts: 607 Member
    lorib642 wrote: »
    I have heard that similar religious beliefs are important, but my husband is Jewish and I am a non believer coming up on 25 years. Every couple is different.

    Congrats on 25 years!
  • mtaratootmtaratoot Member Posts: 6,825 Member Member Posts: 6,825 Member
    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    On the notion of "only your race or culture" or however it's worded, I see those a distinct. Race is something that is purely physical, it says nothing about who you are as a person. I don't know if I can say the same about culture. I think that does have a big influence. I'm not saying I would never be compatible with someone of another culture, but I think it's a characteristic on the level of many other things we see on dating sites to determine compatibility, such as educational level, interest in fitness, interest in other activities, religion...

    Thing is, some (sub-)cultures can have similarities, even when national origin or race differ. Certain values, preferences, attitudes recur in different cultures and subcultures. Just to give some obvious examples of things superficially different cultures can share: Religious tradition, family cohesion (or lack), value placed on academic or financial success, family size preference, gender roles . . . .

    I've long argued - only partly tongue in cheek - that complementary neuroses are the basis of many successful relationships. My trivial example is that I dislike driving, and my late husband disliked riding with other drivers. More profoundly, perhaps overbearing people pair better with meek ones, sneaky people with gullible ones, narcissists with those who need a confident idol, and so forth? 😉

    I've often said, tongue only partially in cheek, that we ALL have some baggage we carry around for whatever reason. We just need to find someone with matching bags....
  • MaltedTeaMaltedTea Member, Premium Posts: 6,289 Member Member, Premium Posts: 6,289 Member
    mtaratoot wrote: »
    *snip*
    I've often said, tongue only partially in cheek, that we ALL have some baggage we carry around for whatever reason. We just need to find someone with matching bags....

    This is so romantic to me 🥰
  • MrsMellodoggerelloMrsMellodoggerello Member Posts: 347 Member Member Posts: 347 Member
    and has a higher risk for accidental mating with close cousins than the general population... :#
    Marrying different race leads to problems. People should stay with their own kind
    More importantly God says we should not be unequally yoked.. Ie.. a believer with a non-believer.. different faiths..
    But we live in a fallen sinful world that is lost and doomed to destroy it self so.. self gratification comes first..and most marry for financial reason loneliness, infatuation or simple cause it's been conditioned in their head grow up go to school get a job get married have kids get a mortgage then die.. Puppets on a string..
    Smh

    It's amazing that someone would rule out entire swaths of the earth's population as potential mates due to race and then talk about other people being "puppets."

    You've bought into one of the faultiest and sloppiest ways to actually know something about a person that there is.

  • mtaratootmtaratoot Member Posts: 6,825 Member Member Posts: 6,825 Member
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    mtaratoot wrote: »
    *snip*
    I've often said, tongue only partially in cheek, that we ALL have some baggage we carry around for whatever reason. We just need to find someone with matching bags....

    This is so romantic to me 🥰

    Well, pragmatic anyway.

    As a recovering scientist it's nice to think maybe I'm actually a romantic pragmatist instead of just a curmudgeonly pragmatist. But I'm probably just a curmudgeon. And you should see the bags I carry!
  • Mr_Healthy_HabitsMr_Healthy_Habits Member Posts: 12,463 Member Member Posts: 12,463 Member
    I'm in an interracial marriage, I'm Mexican in both sides and my wife is Caucasian... I understand what you mean, but in the neighborhood we grew up in, it's not an uncommon or unusual thing...

    However the area we now live in is a little more affluent and I can't say I haven't noticed strange looks or reactions from older people from time to time...

    Why is this... The truth is that physical brain composition and life experiences aside... I'm no different from these people who look at us strangely...

    It all just comes down to physical brain composition, chemistry, and past experiences and influences that have shaped us into the people we are...

    There isn't anything else that fundamentally separates us from one another... You can find and make peace with these people knowing this, regardless if they fail to see it!

    And check out my podcast for more if you appreciate this outlook and would like to hear more! 😂

    I call it "The Mr Healthy Habits Show" available wherever you podcast!
  • kshama2001kshama2001 Member Posts: 24,929 Member Member Posts: 24,929 Member
    When I married my (now-ex) husband in the 80s, the first chaplain we approached wouldn't marry us because of our "religious differences" - he was a non-practicing Protestant and I was a non-practicing Catholic. :lol:

    The second chaplain had us take the Myers-Briggs personality test and facilitated a discussion on the differences.
  • kshama2001kshama2001 Member Posts: 24,929 Member Member Posts: 24,929 Member
    One thing that helped me survive the last four years was having a partner and family members who are aligned with my political beliefs.
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 607 Member Member Posts: 607 Member
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    One thing that helped me survive the last four years was having a partner and family members who are aligned with my political beliefs.

    Wait, you have the same political beliefs as your family, your partner, AND their family? You won the family lottery right there lol.
    edited February 9
  • PsychgrrlPsychgrrl Member Posts: 3,151 Member Member Posts: 3,151 Member
    “Love is love is love is love.” Lin Manuel Miranda.

    I identify as a Caucasian female and date out of my race/ethnicity. To me, there is beauty everywhere, in everyone. The real connection is more than skin deep.
  • tbilly20tbilly20 Member Posts: 154 Member Member Posts: 154 Member
    My wife and I are both Caucasian of Irish and English descent. We grew up within 1/2 mile of each other in the same neighborhood, went to the same public schools and college. I was 4 years older though, so we never met until we were set up on a date in our 20’s. Despite our similar geographical upbringing and lineage, we differed in religious, political, financial, and parenting viewpoints. She has taught me so much, and I would like to believe that I contributed some as well. Opposites certainly attract. What’s on the outside is no indicator to what is beneath. I know that my views have become much better by seeing things from a different side. We have been together for 15 years with two amazing children and a truly blessed life!
  • penguinmama87penguinmama87 Member, Premium Posts: 913 Member Member, Premium Posts: 913 Member
    One of the most important things for me in my marriage was realizing that love is more than simply attraction; it's willing the good of the other. If you have a marriage where both people are all in on that idea, then you can weather a LOT of differences and hardships. I do think there is such a thing as general compatibility, and culture, religion, beliefs may play a part in that, but even if you're super compatible, there will be hard times and challenges.

    I actually converted to my husband's religion, not because of him (although he did play a role by introducing me to it), but even before I believed the same things we had similar attitudes on a lot of other non-religious things. Besides the fact that I thought he was incredibly handsome, that appealed to me. I wouldn't have been interested in dating a man who had different ideas about fundamentals that were very important to me, no matter how attractive he was. He felt the same.

    Some of our attitudes have changed about some issues, some have stayed the same. We agree on some of the same things and disagree about others. Or we came across issues we never thought about but now had to form an opinion about. But what hasn't changed is that we both believe we're in it together for the rest of our lives no matter what.

    Even in one household, where everyone is biologically related, there can be a huge difference in things like natural temperament. Some types combining would probably make for harder marriages than others, even when there's agreement on a lot of the essentials!

    ETA: One other thing that comes to mind: If you don't feel like you can be safe or "be yourself" with the other person, then it's probably not a good relationship. Sometimes people think "being yourself" means not having to be respectful, or the ability to be rude, at all times, but that's not what I mean at all. For example: if a man and a woman are newly dating, and disagree strongly about appropriate gender roles, and can't even begin to understand the other person's view (or only one doesn't), that's probably not going to be a happy match. But if you agree, or are flexible (or both - sometimes life happens and you both have to adjust!), it's more likely to work out.

    I wouldn't recommend faking flexibility to get dates, though. It's OK to have non-negotiables.
    edited March 6
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 607 Member Member Posts: 607 Member
    tbilly20 wrote: »
    My wife and I are both Caucasian of Irish and English descent. We grew up within 1/2 mile of each other in the same neighborhood, went to the same public schools and college. I was 4 years older though, so we never met until we were set up on a date in our 20’s. Despite our similar geographical upbringing and lineage, we differed in religious, political, financial, and parenting viewpoints. She has taught me so much, and I would like to believe that I contributed some as well. Opposites certainly attract. What’s on the outside is no indicator to what is beneath. I know that my views have become much better by seeing things from a different side. We have been together for 15 years with two amazing children and a truly blessed life!

    This is worth highlighting. Differences don’t necessarily makes things worse or create an incompatible relationship. Your situation, and mine, showed that the differences created a more well rounded and healthier life, for myself and for those around me. We are product of the lotus effect. To a certain extent, how can we ever evolve or expand without being a little uncomfortable?
  • JustaNoobJustaNoob Member Posts: 114 Member Member Posts: 114 Member
    Compatibility in many areas are not necessary. If I wanted to date someone exactly like me, I'd just be alone.

    My bf is Asian and he is really strong on areas where I am not so strong and vice versa. And a big part of that is his culture and how he was raised. He is incredibly successful careerwise and I am more of the whimsical type. I'm really good at thinking out of the box and he is really good at knowing when we need to stay in the box lol.

    Differences aren't actually a bad thing. We don't have to assign morals to differences.

    I had some friends who were Mexican and always late to everything. It annoyed me because I assumed they were irresponsible and not honoring my time. What I noticed after a while was that they were taught to honor the moment and not rush things because of a clock. If someone interrupted them on the way to my place, they took their time to be fully in that moment with that person rather than rushing them off.
  • Theo166Theo166 Member, Premium Posts: 2,538 Member Member, Premium Posts: 2,538 Member
    "In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. "

    I don't find this racist, it's just old school commons sense. It doesn't mean marriages with more diversity are doomed to fail, just that they generally have more potential for conflicts. And this issue is mostly about culture/values/religion not skin color, though in prior generations different races tended to have more pronounced cultural and values differences.

    It also changes over time. I think people are less parochial than they were pre-WW2. Friends and family are now more supportive of cross religion or cross race marriages and parents are more likely to look at research on 'good parenting' rather than just revert to 'how they were raised'

    This 'old school' advice had more merit in the last century than the current one, at least in the USA imho.
    edited March 20
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 607 Member Member Posts: 607 Member
    Theo166 wrote: »
    "In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. "

    I don't find this racist, it's just old school commons sense. It doesn't mean marriages with more diversity are doomed to fail, just that they generally have more potential for conflicts. And this issue is mostly about culture/values/religion not skin color, though in prior generations different races tended to have more pronounced cultural and values differences.

    It also changes over time. I think people are less parochial than they were pre-WW2. Friends and family are now more supportive of cross religion or cross race marriages and parents are more likely to look at research on 'good parenting' rather than just revert to 'how they were raised'

    This 'old school' advice had more merit in the last century than the current one, at least in the USA imho.

    I appreciate you sharing your POV. I do, however, disagree that race equates to more compatibility in the relationship and that this is just “common sense”. I think the notion of ‘marrying your race is better’ is an assumption from earlier generations, and this assumption is being proven wrong the more interracial marriages come to fruition.

    When I lived in Africa I was visiting a family in a village and they were explaining the family dynamic to me. The husband stated that he needed to make all the decision because women are born with half a brain, so it was just common sense. Because he stated it as a fact she believed it and followed suit.

    I think you need to be careful in making statements that it is common sense that there is more relationship compatibility just because you share a race. People will not only believe you but share that opinion with their kids and we’ll never remove this problematic and racist position.
    edited March 20
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