Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
Replies
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Splendamami wrote: »Hi Everyone! I am so grateful to stumble across this thread. For those going through things, I may not have advice. But know that someone (me) wishes you the best. And that things will turn around sooner than later.
I'm here to just vent and let go of what's consuming my thoughts. I am so lonely and just need to release some of this pain. Today, I received the official documents for my divorce. The hilarious part of all this is that at the same time last year, my SO originally requested the divorce! We spent countless hours in therapy and "trying" to reconnect to see if a divorce or restart was necessary. I put "trying" in quotes because to be honest...the ball was dropped plenty of times and who knows if there was even any love on their end left. Well after my birthday in August, I thought we reconciled and would start planning to have a baby. So many talks, visiting clinics and sharing the news with family members that we were looking to build our family soon. Well, today of 2021 that isn't happening. All of my prayers, time, and dedication to this person and their dreams are out the window. To make matters worse, I still miss my SO. I think I'm more hurt at the thought that I am losing a best friend too. The person I would talk to build me up is now dead to me. I would never fathom that dealing with a divorce would feel like planning a funeral. Split what? Who gets what? Who gets which fur baby? (We have/had a cat and a dog), visiting HR to remove SO from my 401K as beneficiary...something so small is extremely terrifying to think about. What if they ask questions, what do I say? Do I tell the truth...when I never know the future...we did back out last time. No longer seeing my ILs after losing so many family members etc., it's all making me SICK. My thoughts are on a constant loop. I am nauseous, I am confused, I am scared to be alone. There are so many emotions swirling through me. I barely focused in the gym yesterday and I love weight lifting! Found no joy, just almost an accident from not having my mind and body in sync. I think I should stop here because now it's word vomit everywhere. I typing like I'm thinking and right now, I'm irrational.
When does this pain go away? Does the fear of being alone ever go away? How do you go on after a divorce? Any tips, insights, words of encouragement are welcome. Even if it's tough love...I'll take what I can get. Or maybe that is my problem...I keep taking what I can get? SMH the vicious cycle of heartbreak.
So sorry to hear this, it is a loss and one that, for you, is like someone dear to you has died. I am not an expert, but I do know the pain will always be there and we must learn to live with it. Your friends and their support will help you get to that point, but grieving is just that, not getting over it, but learning to live with it.6 -
I've always been aware of my mortality but an incident has just made me terribly depressed. When I moved out of my old building into a new one two months ago, another resident moved in on one of the apartments of the old building. He was found dead yesterday in his home. He had been dead for two days, he was living with his mom who has Alzheimer's and that poor lady didn't know her son was dead and his corpse was smelling. I know same fate is written for me as I don't have loving relations with my family nor do I have any friends and the worst part is everyone I'm see I'm imagining them and myself also like that. Gross I know but I guess that's my *kitten* up brain. Sorry about the long post. Thanks9
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@Frompumpkin2cinderella I don't think that means your mind is messed up for going there. I bet many of us harbor similar thoughts about our futures. Especially as we age and wonder what's going to happen to us. I have several elderly people in my life, who live alone, and it scares the beejeebers out of me to think I might walk in one day.......
The situation you described is very sad indeed. I hope care has been found for his mom.
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I feel for everyone here. I know that feeling of hopelessness/helplessness. I sometimes wonder if some of us are just born to never truly be happy. I was looking at pictures from my childhood and noticed that my sister is smiling and radiant in them, I found maybe 4 or 5 pictures spanning about a decade where I actually smiled but it looks forced. The most striking one I found was my sister and I playing in a sandbox, I am about 4 and she is probably 7. She is smiling away and I look like I am trying to kill someone with a single glare. I feel like I was never allowed to be who I was (trains are for boys, cars are for boys, etc., etc. was the litany of my childhood). Now at almost 50 I feel like my life is a waste and that my husband has thrown away 30 years of his life staying with me. I also don't feel like I was a good parent. Right now life is quite hard for one of my babies and I feel like my anger issues are a part of the reason she is going through this rough patch now. I spewed nothing but negativity about myself their entire childhoods. I didn't display any love toward myself and I wonder if I ever gave love to anyone in my life. My childhood was middle-class with a lot of secret-keeping (alcohol was a problem in our house but we were never to talk about it). I am trying therapy and such but haven't hit on anything that has helped yet. I have survived nearly 50 years but I can't say that I was happy or even content. For me, life is just "MEH" on repeat.10
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Just a random thought today:
For those of you(and me) who get down on yourselves, please be careful putting yourself down repeatedly if you have children. My youngest is 29 and has been in therapy for awhile. She confided in me once that she never felt good enough growing up because she thought I was perfect and if *I* thought so little of myself, then how could she ever measure up. Not in those many words but something similar.
I never realized what I thought of myself could have such an effect on my kids. But there ya go. 13 -
dawnfire72 wrote: »I feel for everyone here. I know that feeling of hopelessness/helplessness. I sometimes wonder if some of us are just born to never truly be happy. I was looking at pictures from my childhood and noticed that my sister is smiling and radiant in them, I found maybe 4 or 5 pictures spanning about a decade where I actually smiled but it looks forced. The most striking one I found was my sister and I playing in a sandbox, I am about 4 and she is probably 7. She is smiling away and I look like I am trying to kill someone with a single glare. I feel like I was never allowed to be who I was (trains are for boys, cars are for boys, etc., etc. was the litany of my childhood). Now at almost 50 I feel like my life is a waste and that my husband has thrown away 30 years of his life staying with me. I also don't feel like I was a good parent. Right now life is quite hard for one of my babies and I feel like my anger issues are a part of the reason she is going through this rough patch now. I spewed nothing but negativity about myself their entire childhoods. I didn't display any love toward myself and I wonder if I ever gave love to anyone in my life. My childhood was middle-class with a lot of secret-keeping (alcohol was a problem in our house but we were never to talk about it). I am trying therapy and such but haven't hit on anything that has helped yet. I have survived nearly 50 years but I can't say that I was happy or even content. For me, life is just "MEH" on repeat.
Yea so I can relate. So today I had a major plumbing issue that had to be addressed. Called dude agreed to be over in one hour. Jumped in the shower and found a lump, down on my junk. Yep freaked out a bit. Called my doc and said come on down. So relating to the above story and my current situation in life I kinda said screw it . Had to hurry the plumber which turned out to be a non issue. Then run to the doc who handled my junk this way and that. No worries he said not the big "C" word, could be a thing handled with antibiotics. Now I don't really have good health insurance and tried to get an appointment with the VA. I left a message with my group and expressed my urgency and concern using my adult voice. Still haven't heard back from them. Don't expect I will. So there's that today. Missed my morning workout as well.
Thanks for listening.10 -
Yea so I can relate. So today I had a major plumbing issue that had to be addressed. Called dude agreed to be over in one hour. Jumped in the shower and found a lump, down on my junk. Yep freaked out a bit. Called my doc and said come on down. So relating to the above story and my current situation in life I kinda said screw it . Had to hurry the plumber which turned out to be a non issue. Then run to the doc who handled my junk this way and that. No worries he said not the big "C" word, could be a thing handled with antibiotics. Now I don't really have good health insurance and tried to get an appointment with the VA. I left a message with my group and expressed my urgency and concern using my adult voice. Still haven't heard back from them. Don't expect I will. So there's that today. Missed my morning workout as well.
Thanks for listening.[/quote]
Wow that sounds like a scary morning. Glad you were able to get it looked at. Hope you are able to deal with the VA and insurance in a timely fashion (I know neither one moves very fast when you need them).
Thanks for commiserating as well, nice to know I am not alone.1 -
dawnfire72 wrote: »I feel for everyone here. I know that feeling of hopelessness/helplessness. I sometimes wonder if some of us are just born to never truly be happy. I was looking at pictures from my childhood and noticed that my sister is smiling and radiant in them, I found maybe 4 or 5 pictures spanning about a decade where I actually smiled but it looks forced. The most striking one I found was my sister and I playing in a sandbox, I am about 4 and she is probably 7. She is smiling away and I look like I am trying to kill someone with a single glare. I feel like I was never allowed to be who I was (trains are for boys, cars are for boys, etc., etc. was the litany of my childhood). Now at almost 50 I feel like my life is a waste and that my husband has thrown away 30 years of his life staying with me. I also don't feel like I was a good parent. Right now life is quite hard for one of my babies and I feel like my anger issues are a part of the reason she is going through this rough patch now. I spewed nothing but negativity about myself their entire childhoods. I didn't display any love toward myself and I wonder if I ever gave love to anyone in my life. My childhood was middle-class with a lot of secret-keeping (alcohol was a problem in our house but we were never to talk about it). I am trying therapy and such but haven't hit on anything that has helped yet. I have survived nearly 50 years but I can't say that I was happy or even content. For me, life is just "MEH" on repeat.
Virtual hugs to you. I'm the same,.I've never had one truly happy moment in life. I don't have siblings but all my cousins seem to have happiness in their lives. I come from a culture where receiving the blessings of your elders is the ultimate achievement in your life but I was alway cursed as a kid by both set of grandparents that I'll never be happy in my life and this has become my destiny. I don't want to get married or have children because I don't want to bring some innocent creatures in this world and watch them get screwed up😥5 -
It helps (me at least) to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside and their life and ducks all seem in order, chances are they are hiding something, not letting on how unhappy they are or otherwise not as they appear on social media or even as they appear when we meet in person.
Over the years, I've learned that the majority of people who put on a front of happiness are just that: putting on a front. There's this weird thing (in American culture at least) where we still can't be seen as weak or vulnerable; that one must always make it appear that they are successful and happy with no ill effects to one's mental health. To not do so is seen as a weakness; to not have money or success is seen as a personal failure.. and that we (the affected) just didn't "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" enough. No one ever acknowledges that making connections and being in the right place(s) at the right time(s) really contributes a lot more into whether or not you will get certain career opportunities.. or travel opportunities.
I was hoping with the passing of my parents generation (Boomers) and the subsequent new generations coming up that those attitudes would diminish, but so far in my experience, they have not.
On top of that, people still belittle my profession and see it as "a hobby", undervaluing my work to the point where I can't successfully sell anything (why would anyone want to pay several hundred dollars for a work of art.. or a hand-knit or crocheted item when they can just pop into a fast fashion storefront and buy something approximate to what I make by hand (albeit not nearly as intricate, well designed or fitted) for less than $50? Same with art: Why pay $75 to $500 for something when you can just buy knock-off wall art posters at a store for $10?
Anyway, outside of that rant; it genuinely helps me to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside, that may not 100% be the case inwardly. There might be a lot of things they are struggling with that remain unseen. Also, happiness is fleeting. If it were 100% a stable emotion or experience, people would become desensitized to it and require higher "hits" of dopamine releasing feel good juice to remain happy. I think it's supposed to be transient and inconsistent (and maybe even rare) so when it does happen, you value it and embrace it. Unfortunately, for people such as myself (negative childhood experience, persistent long-term clinical depression and anxiety disorders) my brain will only ever latch onto the negative experiences and reinforce them. Perhaps many of you find yourself in the same boat.
I have to actively work to remember or reinforce any remotely positive experiences. And it's a lot of work (and years of really inconsistent therapy when I can get into an appointment or afford it, for that matter).
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KosmosKitten wrote: »It helps (me at least) to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside and their life and ducks all seem in order, chances are they are hiding something, not letting on how unhappy they are or otherwise not as they appear on social media or even as they appear when we meet in person.
Over the years, I've learned that the majority of people who put on a front of happiness are just that: putting on a front. There's this weird thing (in American culture at least) where we still can't be seen as weak or vulnerable; that one must always make it appear that they are successful and happy with no ill effects to one's mental health. To not do so is seen as a weakness; to not have money or success is seen as a personal failure.. and that we (the affected) just didn't "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" enough. No one ever acknowledges that making connections and being in the right place(s) at the right time(s) really contributes a lot more into whether or not you will get certain career opportunities.. or travel opportunities.
I was hoping with the passing of my parents generation (Boomers) and the subsequent new generations coming up that those attitudes would diminish, but so far in my experience, they have not.
On top of that, people still belittle my profession and see it as "a hobby", undervaluing my work to the point where I can't successfully sell anything (why would anyone want to pay several hundred dollars for a work of art.. or a hand-knit or crocheted item when they can just pop into a fast fashion storefront and buy something approximate to what I make by hand (albeit not nearly as intricate, well designed or fitted) for less than $50? Same with art: Why pay $75 to $500 for something when you can just buy knock-off wall art posters at a store for $10?
Anyway, outside of that rant; it genuinely helps me to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside, that may not 100% be the case inwardly. There might be a lot of things they are struggling with that remain unseen. Also, happiness is fleeting. If it were 100% a stable emotion or experience, people would become desensitized to it and require higher "hits" of dopamine releasing feel good juice to remain happy. I think it's supposed to be transient and inconsistent (and maybe even rare) so when it does happen, you value it and embrace it. Unfortunately, for people such as myself (negative childhood experience, persistent long-term clinical depression and anxiety disorders) my brain will only ever latch onto the negative experiences and reinforce them. Perhaps many of you find yourself in the same boat.
I have to actively work to remember or reinforce any remotely positive experiences. And it's a lot of work (and years of really inconsistent therapy when I can get into an appointment or afford it, for that matter).
I love when we get a peek at your stream of consciousness. You are very well-spoken, you have a way of expressing things so clearly that I just sorta flow through your posts easily, like I’m listening rather than reading. I have nothing to add but a hearty “yeah, what she said”3 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »It helps (me at least) to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside and their life and ducks all seem in order, chances are they are hiding something, not letting on how unhappy they are or otherwise not as they appear on social media or even as they appear when we meet in person.
Over the years, I've learned that the majority of people who put on a front of happiness are just that: putting on a front. There's this weird thing (in American culture at least) where we still can't be seen as weak or vulnerable; that one must always make it appear that they are successful and happy with no ill effects to one's mental health. To not do so is seen as a weakness; to not have money or success is seen as a personal failure.. and that we (the affected) just didn't "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" enough. No one ever acknowledges that making connections and being in the right place(s) at the right time(s) really contributes a lot more into whether or not you will get certain career opportunities.. or travel opportunities.
I was hoping with the passing of my parents generation (Boomers) and the subsequent new generations coming up that those attitudes would diminish, but so far in my experience, they have not.
On top of that, people still belittle my profession and see it as "a hobby", undervaluing my work to the point where I can't successfully sell anything (why would anyone want to pay several hundred dollars for a work of art.. or a hand-knit or crocheted item when they can just pop into a fast fashion storefront and buy something approximate to what I make by hand (albeit not nearly as intricate, well designed or fitted) for less than $50? Same with art: Why pay $75 to $500 for something when you can just buy knock-off wall art posters at a store for $10?
Anyway, outside of that rant; it genuinely helps me to remember that even if a person appears happy on the outside, that may not 100% be the case inwardly. There might be a lot of things they are struggling with that remain unseen. Also, happiness is fleeting. If it were 100% a stable emotion or experience, people would become desensitized to it and require higher "hits" of dopamine releasing feel good juice to remain happy. I think it's supposed to be transient and inconsistent (and maybe even rare) so when it does happen, you value it and embrace it. Unfortunately, for people such as myself (negative childhood experience, persistent long-term clinical depression and anxiety disorders) my brain will only ever latch onto the negative experiences and reinforce them. Perhaps many of you find yourself in the same boat.
I have to actively work to remember or reinforce any remotely positive experiences. And it's a lot of work (and years of really inconsistent therapy when I can get into an appointment or afford it, for that matter).
You have said beautifully things that have been in my head but never put value on, and some that were there in a vague way that I never knew how to express. Somehow I have the mindset of it must be me because everyone else seems to be okay. Maybe they are just better at keeping the front up. I agree, I thought that with the Boomer generation aging and dying off that maybe things would shift but it doesn't seem that way at the moment.
Selling art is a hard way to make a living. You have nailed every reason why it is hard. I know how much work goes into a "simple" knitted hat or scarf so a $50-$100 price tag on those handmade items would not surprise me (I knit and crochet strictly as a hobby so I appreciate the work that goes into anything handmade).
Maybe we just need to be kinder to ourselves and try to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish it is necessary. I keep getting reminded that I can't help others if I have no reserves for myself.6 -
A friend of my dh's had a house fire this past year and lost his entire home. Soon after that, he and his wife separated. His wife just died in a multi family apartment fire.
How cruel can life be to one family. 7 -
I'm feeling really depressed and mildly suicidal. I moved into my new home a couple of months ago and I thought this is it. This is gonna be my happy place. I thought the reason for my sadness was my old home, the negative vibes and experiences associated with it, but no it's the same here. I'm also quiet bored but I tried to watch a movie, read a book- I'm really not interested in talking to people- that just depresses me even more. My mind is so restless and disturbed, I'm feeling like leaping off my building's rooftop. I'm actually getting a bit of a mild panic attack right now. Thanks for reading.6
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Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »I'm feeling really depressed and mildly suicidal. I moved into my new home a couple of months ago and I thought this is it. This is gonna be my happy place. I thought the reason for my sadness was my old home, the negative vibes and experiences associated with it, but no it's the same here. I'm also quiet bored but I tried to watch a movie, read a book- I'm really not interested in talking to people- that just depresses me even more. My mind is so restless and disturbed, I'm feeling like leaping off my building's rooftop. I'm actually getting a bit of a mild panic attack right now. Thanks for reading.
Talking about it is huge. Have you got anyone you can call? EAP through an employer, or maybe a crisis line? When things were going to crap on all fronts, having someone (professional) to talk to really really helped.
Perhaps it's worth a doc visit?
So very sad that you're struggling and so very glad you feel safe sharing here. ❤️2 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »I'm feeling really depressed and mildly suicidal. I moved into my new home a couple of months ago and I thought this is it. This is gonna be my happy place. I thought the reason for my sadness was my old home, the negative vibes and experiences associated with it, but no it's the same here. I'm also quiet bored but I tried to watch a movie, read a book- I'm really not interested in talking to people- that just depresses me even more. My mind is so restless and disturbed, I'm feeling like leaping off my building's rooftop. I'm actually getting a bit of a mild panic attack right now. Thanks for reading.
Talking about it is huge. Have you got anyone you can call? EAP through an employer, or maybe a crisis line? When things were going to crap on all fronts, having someone (professional) to talk to really really helped.
Perhaps it's worth a doc visit?
So very sad that you're struggling and so very glad you feel safe sharing here. ❤️
I agree! Talk with someone, even when you don't want to. It's such an easy thing to isolate yourself even more when those times strike but please, do reach out to somebody. And if you feel worse, find the crisis line as @KickassAmazon76 suggested. I used it once and they took me in asap.
Do you have a therapist or on any anti-depressants/anxiety medication? Might be something to discuss with your doctor. Don't let it wait; you're missing out on life. 2 -
Feeling bad because my dad is in the hospital and much as I love him going to the hospital induces panic attacks. I did go see him yesterday when my sister called to say he was being rushed to the hospital with another heart attack (he has SVT attacks), but by the time I left the ER after making sure he was okay I was a wreck emotionally. I also feel very judged by the rest of the family because I don't go to see people when they are in hospital and they all flock to the hospital to visit. If he were to take a turn for the worst I would be there but with the pandemic and the fact that he doesn't live with me and I can't give any extra info to the staff, I feel like I am useless being there. I also feel like if I don't go to see him regularly when he isn't in the hospital going to see him daily while he is in the hospital seems wrong (? disingenuous). I think because he is in a bed in ER I also feel like I am intruding on the other patients there as our hospital is bordering on being over capacity because we are also having a massive flood due to heavy rains and 3 hospitals further north from us had to be evacuated to our facility and one in the neighbouring city.6
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My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.22 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
Im so sorry for your loss 😔1 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear this!! You've been through he!! and back. May you eventually find peace in your heart and healing through time. My thoughts are with you. 2 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
So sorry for your loss 😔2 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
I'm so very sad for your loss, and am sending you so much love. 😔 It's been such a tough road, and I hope you're able to take some time to rest and recover.
May you be surrounded with love during this difficult time.
*big hugs*3 -
Thanks everyone for the sympathy and hugs. It all seems so surreal still. I just keep going one step at a time for now. I'm just grateful that I was able to keep him at home and his passing was peaceful.10
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My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
My mom's husband died earlier this year. He was sick for a long time and was his caretaker for a while as well. He received news that he was terminal and they decided no more treatment. After he died my mom went through many stages but finally came to this realization: He is gone and she misses him and is grateful for the time they shared. But for her she feels an independence. She feels he would want her to be happy with whatever her life would be without him and I'm sure your husband felt the same. He loves you and you love him. Now is the time to quiet your mind as much as possible for what is next. I hope some of this makes sense.8 -
dawnfire72 wrote: »Feeling bad because my dad is in the hospital and much as I love him going to the hospital induces panic attacks. I did go see him yesterday when my sister called to say he was being rushed to the hospital with another heart attack (he has SVT attacks), but by the time I left the ER after making sure he was okay I was a wreck emotionally. I also feel very judged by the rest of the family because I don't go to see people when they are in hospital and they all flock to the hospital to visit. If he were to take a turn for the worst I would be there but with the pandemic and the fact that he doesn't live with me and I can't give any extra info to the staff, I feel like I am useless being there. I also feel like if I don't go to see him regularly when he isn't in the hospital going to see him daily while he is in the hospital seems wrong (? disingenuous). I think because he is in a bed in ER I also feel like I am intruding on the other patients there as our hospital is bordering on being over capacity because we are also having a massive flood due to heavy rains and 3 hospitals further north from us had to be evacuated to our facility and one in the neighbouring city.
You have to do what's right for you. Your dad is at the hospital because that's the best place he can be. It exists for him, not you. Its easy for me to say that you need to do what's best for you, I understand. But don't let other people make a stressful situation worse for you and him.2 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
My mom's husband died earlier this year. He was sick for a long time and was his caretaker for a while as well. He received news that he was terminal and they decided no more treatment. After he died my mom went through many stages but finally came to this realization: He is gone and she misses him and is grateful for the time they shared. But for her she feels an independence. She feels he would want her to be happy with whatever her life would be without him and I'm sure your husband felt the same. He loves you and you love him. Now is the time to quiet your mind as much as possible for what is next. I hope some of this makes sense.
Thank you, that makes perfect sense and actually is helpful. I was my husband's caretaker for more than a year and we knew from the time of diagnosis that he was terminally ill, we were just trying to buy some more time. I know he would want me to be happy. Quieting my mind right now is the hard part.5 -
@RAinWA, when I saw your name as the last poster in here my heart sank without even reading your post. And now that I have, I’ve got tears for you. It was such a long road for you and you handled it with patience and grace. I am sorry for your loss.
After being caregiver for so long, it’s bound to be a difficult transition. One thing my dad wasn’t expecting when he went through this time was the feeling of relief of no longer needing to look after his favourite person…the relief caused guilt that hit hard. Just wanted to share that that is normal.
I hope you find support in ways that are good for you; that bring you peace. Sending hugs across the border.7 -
My husband passed last week. All the relatives and friends left yesterday after the funeral and I am rather grateful to have some time to myself. I so loved having them here and showing their love, but some quiet time to myself is really needed.
Everyone here has been so kind the last year, you all should know how much it has been appreciated.
My mom's husband died earlier this year. He was sick for a long time and was his caretaker for a while as well. He received news that he was terminal and they decided no more treatment. After he died my mom went through many stages but finally came to this realization: He is gone and she misses him and is grateful for the time they shared. But for her she feels an independence. She feels he would want her to be happy with whatever her life would be without him and I'm sure your husband felt the same. He loves you and you love him. Now is the time to quiet your mind as much as possible for what is next. I hope some of this makes sense.
My dad was in the same situation this year and he finally came around to the same conclusion your mom did; he misses my stepmother (we all do), but ultimately, she would have wanted him to carry on, make connections and continue doing things that make him happy (like bowling, gardening and hanging out with his camping friends), not moping around the house, surrounded by all her stuff and watching westerns all day.
So now he's in a place where he reconnected with some old work buddies, still talks with my stepmom's family and does stuff with them (it was hard for awhile) and has even started hanging around a new (old) love interest (someone he knew and dated way back in high school). So far, they seem to be good for one another (they both lost their spouses to terminal illnesses, although she lost her husband several years ago) and they do stuff like cook, watch her granddaughter and go to art shows together. It seems to really be helping them both.
It is really good to see him slowly branching out and living his life, even though we of course still miss my stepmom and always will. You just gotta do the things that are best for you at the time and at the pace that works for you, which is different person to person.
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@RAinWA Yes, one of the hardest things to do is go on, after. We all want and expect life to 'get back to normal' when we also know it never will. There'll be a new normal, a new routine, and when your days have been consumed caring for someone it feels like a confusing impossibility to even think of anything being normal again.
One thing that has helped my sister, and this might sound silly to some, but she finds herself talking to him, just telling him about her days, giving him a hard time if something happens that she feels he may have had a hand in. Ex. her bags of recyclables all fell out of her truck one day so she had quite the conversation with him over that. It all is a way of keeping him close to her.
Life will happen for you again. Give yourself as much time and space as you need. Right now, it's a time to focus on yourself and finding ways to get through to each day.
Find peace and comfort where you can and reach out to others when the need arises. Plus, I'm sure there are still services available through Hospice you can use if you feel like it, counseling, support groups, whatever helps you. Some of it will, some of it won't. 3 -
You have to do what's right for you. Your dad is at the hospital because that's the best place he can be. It exists for him, not you. Its easy for me to say that you need to do what's best for you, I understand. But don't let other people make a stressful situation worse for you and him.
Thank you for these words. They make sense and I am going with the flow for now.
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@RAinWA, when I saw your name as the last poster in here my heart sank without even reading your post. And now that I have, I’ve got tears for you. It was such a long road for you and you handled it with patience and grace. I am sorry for your loss.
After being caregiver for so long, it’s bound to be a difficult transition. One thing my dad wasn’t expecting when he went through this time was the feeling of relief of no longer needing to look after his favourite person…the relief caused guilt that hit hard. Just wanted to share that that is normal.
I hope you find support in ways that are good for you; that bring you peace. Sending hugs across the border.
Thank you so much. I am trying hard to take care of myself and be at peace with his being gone. After 30 years it is hard not to expect him to be there when I turn around.@RAinWA Yes, one of the hardest things to do is go on, after. We all want and expect life to 'get back to normal' when we also know it never will. There'll be a new normal, a new routine, and when your days have been consumed caring for someone it feels like a confusing impossibility to even think of anything being normal again.
One thing that has helped my sister, and this might sound silly to some, but she finds herself talking to him, just telling him about her days, giving him a hard time if something happens that she feels he may have had a hand in. Ex. her bags of recyclables all fell out of her truck one day so she had quite the conversation with him over that. It all is a way of keeping him close to her.
Life will happen for you again. Give yourself as much time and space as you need. Right now, it's a time to focus on yourself and finding ways to get through to each day.
Find peace and comfort where you can and reach out to others when the need arises. Plus, I'm sure there are still services available through Hospice you can use if you feel like it, counseling, support groups, whatever helps you. Some of it will, some of it won't.
Thank you Reenie, very good suggestions. The hospice nurse lit an electronic candle shortly after he died and I actually talk to it sometimes. Now I don't feel like such a weirdo! And hospice has several programs to help me through, I am going to explore them and see if any are for me.6
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