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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »_sw33tp3a_11 wrote: »I can feel my depression this morning. I know it's always there, and I know I struggle with it most when I don't have anything (enough) to distract me from it all... but I still find it, I don't know... odd? surprising? *kitten* up? that it can seemingly come out of no where at any given time, on any given day.
*sigh*
If I can keep my head above water for a couple of hours while the weather warms up just a bit, I'm hoping to get out for a run. Maybe some fresh air will help.
You just described word for word how I feel most days. Maybe I'm stepping over my boundaries here and you absolutely dont have to answer this as there's this stigma that men shouldn't cry but do you ever cry? I find it when I cry I feel slightly better and the depression doesn't feel as heavy.
You bring up an interesting topic for me. I used to be one who cries over sad dog movies, life's travesties, things like that. I cannot cry anymore. It simply doesn't happen and I have no clue why. I wonder if many people are like that? Is it that my heart has become hardened? Am I trying to protect myself from emotionally breaking down?
My youngest has been struggling with depression and is on antidepressants (low dose). When we were at the docs we talked about how they feel like crying, but just can't seem to. We wondered about whether it was a side effect of the meds. The doc said that it's more likely that an increase in the meds would help bring back the tears... And that the inability to cry is often one of the signs of depression, or that the meds aren't working.
Not sure if that helps. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this experience of your youngest as well. (Hope the antidepressants help them, so hard to see your child go through it
)
I feel my meds are working well enough because I feel my life is on an even keel now but maybe it's due to dulling the emotions a bit.1 -
I don't know how to help my father who is the sole caretaker for my stepmother and is currently in Stage IV cancer (taking a pause while they figure out the next treatment option). He called me up today to let me know they wouldn't be coming my way tomorrow, but were gonna try for Tuesday. My stepmom just continues to feel pretty awful (either the cancer itself or the effects of her last round of chemo, I'm not sure). I told him that if it happens, it happens, but to not rush it and that I would find a way to see them before I move countries later this year if they can't make it down before I move out of the state here in a month.
But I can hear how much this is breaking him.. his voice cracked while I was on the phone... he needs support and I HATE that I'm stuck in another state, can't travel and can't do a damn thing. So he feels helpless, I feel helpless and meanwhile, we're both very, very afraid that my stepmother will die from this. She's not getting better.. and the void in between possible answers is unnerving and soul-crushing.
I don't know what to do.7 -
Although I am feeling good lately. I'm kind of struggling. I try to always be positive and most of the time I am but I hate living this way some days. Being scared everytime it hurts somewhere, being scared the cancer is back. I did have surgery 2 weeks ago and the new pain I've been feeling tonight is probably normal but it's keeping me from sleeping.14
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KosmosKitten wrote: »I don't know how to help my father who is the sole caretaker for my stepmother and is currently in Stage IV cancer (taking a pause while they figure out the next treatment option). He called me up today to let me know they wouldn't be coming my way tomorrow, but were gonna try for Tuesday. My stepmom just continues to feel pretty awful (either the cancer itself or the effects of her last round of chemo, I'm not sure). I told him that if it happens, it happens, but to not rush it and that I would find a way to see them before I move countries later this year if they can't make it down before I move out of the state here in a month.
But I can hear how much this is breaking him.. his voice cracked while I was on the phone... he needs support and I HATE that I'm stuck in another state, can't travel and can't do a damn thing. So he feels helpless, I feel helpless and meanwhile, we're both very, very afraid that my stepmother will die from this. She's not getting better.. and the void in between possible answers is unnerving and soul-crushing.
I don't know what to do.
What an extremely difficult position for all of you to be in. Hugs and thoughts go out to you and your family. I hope he has local agencies supporting them? Help is everywhere if you know where to look for it. But unfortunately the bulk still usually rests on one person's shoulders. I know video chats are not the same but it's something, so hoping you guys are able to do that?
You're in my thoughts Kosmos.1 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I don't know how to help my father who is the sole caretaker for my stepmother and is currently in Stage IV cancer (taking a pause while they figure out the next treatment option). He called me up today to let me know they wouldn't be coming my way tomorrow, but were gonna try for Tuesday. My stepmom just continues to feel pretty awful (either the cancer itself or the effects of her last round of chemo, I'm not sure). I told him that if it happens, it happens, but to not rush it and that I would find a way to see them before I move countries later this year if they can't make it down before I move out of the state here in a month.
But I can hear how much this is breaking him.. his voice cracked while I was on the phone... he needs support and I HATE that I'm stuck in another state, can't travel and can't do a damn thing. So he feels helpless, I feel helpless and meanwhile, we're both very, very afraid that my stepmother will die from this. She's not getting better.. and the void in between possible answers is unnerving and soul-crushing.
I don't know what to do.
What an extremely difficult position for all of you to be in. Hugs and thoughts go out to you and your family. I hope he has local agencies supporting them? Help is everywhere if you know where to look for it. But unfortunately the bulk still usually rests on one person's shoulders. I know video chats are not the same but it's something, so hoping you guys are able to do that?
You're in my thoughts Kosmos.
We still video chat on Wednesdays (unless he's traveling or at the hospital with her getting tests or treatment done). We just reschedule it for a later or earlier time in the week if that happens.
I think the waiting is killing both of us (metaphorically). We want answers, not a month of sitting around in the dark. And dad is, of course, scared by how sick she is, but I think it's because all the chemo treatments have finally "caught up" to her and she's finally feeling their effects, even if it's not helpful to her. But with cancer, I guess, it's sometimes hard to tell. And we've both watched cancer slowly kill people we were close to, so yeah.. it's dragging up old trauma for both of us.
I'm trying to remain positive and hope that it's just the chemo treatments trying to clear out of her system giving her flu-like symptoms and that her doctors will come up with something that's effective.3 -
Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.23 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I’m so sorry, S. there’s nothing one can really say to help with how you’re feeling. Just... I’m sorry, and I’m thinking of you.6 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I’m so sorry, S. there’s nothing one can really say to help with how you’re feeling. Just... I’m sorry, and I’m thinking of you.
Thank you ❤️1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
Im so sorry 😔.. biggest of hugs1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
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mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
Big hugs. 😔 It's so hard to know your child is hurting and to be completely unable to stop it. It has been such a struggle for you, I can only hope it eases soon. ❤️0 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
Big hugs. 😔 It's so hard to know your child is hurting and to be completely unable to stop it. It has been such a struggle for you, I can only hope it eases soon. ❤️
Oh dear lady It sounds like they're getting some much needed help plus they know they can count on your love and support. And s/he is talking to you; that right there is a biggie. I feel many that are in dire straights like that never offer any clues. But you must be very worried and sad they're feeling this way. As a parent we all want our children to be happy most of all. Hugs and prayers that things turn around with the therapy and medication. 1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
I'm so sorry your son feels this way; hope his life feels brighter in the near future. Has therapy/medications, anything worked to help him?
I cannot imagine how a parent's heart must feel. 1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
I'm so sorry your son feels this way; hope his life feels brighter in the near future. Has therapy/medications, anything worked to help him?
I cannot imagine how a parent's heart must feel.
He’s tried everything under the sun and has been very proactive with his mental health. He’s tried different meds, different therapists, IOP, deep TMS...the only thing that’s made a significant difference so far has been Ketamine. It’s kept him relatively stable, but he still says he feels like it wouldn’t take much to tip him over the edge.2 -
I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.7 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
Im so sorry you're dealing with such a heavy load, life certainly has chucked everything at you. Biggest of warm hugs to you.. you and your family will need extra strength in the coming months.1 -
@KosmosKitten
Hugs and prayers to you and your family. It's the worst when you know there's nothing else to be done except for comfort. Hope keeps a person going. As a very sweet social worker told my sister, don't think ahead, take each day, live in the moment and do the best you can, enjoy every moment you can with that person. 
I'm so sorry the news wasn't better. 2 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
My heart hurts for you and your family. That is really hard news to hear and try to wrap your brain around.
Be kind to yourself right now, you have been through so much recently it is no wonder you are tired. I wish I had magic words to give you to take some of the hurt away.1 -
@KosmosKitten Sending you love. I am so very sad to read this and my heart aches for you and your family. There are no words that can take away the pain of what's happened, or of what's coming... just know that you are loved and there are so many people who care for you. It really has been a crap year.
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You ever question why you're here, what's your purpose in life?
I truly feel that we're here to support each other, for others to lean on in times of need, and to help each other get through the tough times of life.
I hope everyone here finds strength and courage by sharing their tough times with the people in your life and with us here. Sometimes it does feel as if the load lightens just enough that you can make it through to another day.
Stay strong and positive. And when you're not feeling it, come and share your stories and feelings.
And a person never knows how their experiences through their own hard times will come into play in helping others through similar circumstances.10
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