Wrong answers ONLY!
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Well, you definitely shouldn't take a cavalier attitude and just put a jar of peanut butter on the table, saying, as my mother did when I was young, "If you don't like what I've prepared, you can have peanut butter." No, instead, you should go to extreme lengths to cater to the preferences of your guests, no matter how ridiculous their requests. After all, aren't your own desires inconsequential when compared to the demands of picky eaters?
I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "Money doesn't grow on trees."
Why not?0 -
Because eggs, the most expensive commodity currently being traded, are laid by chickens. And chickens don't like to sit in the branches of trees, on account of any eggs they lay would become scrambled when they fell to the ground below.
I calculated tax returns for myself and my two grown sons this weekend. I owe the government MORE money, each of them gets a refund on top of living rent-free under my roof. Did I make an error in my math somewhere? If not, why do they get more money when my bills are so much greater?0 -
What this tells me is that your sons get to use their refunds to pay your bills this year. Sounds like you did the taxes correctly to me.
I want to make Family Day special for my son tomorrow by making him a fun breakfast. What breakfast says “I’m grateful you are my child even though you drive me crazy sometimes”?0 -
You definitely must have made an error in your math somewhere. It's common knowledge that the tax system is fair and equitable, so it must be your error. Don't worry, the govt will catch that error and penalize you appropriately for having made it, because again, it's nothing but fair and equitable, and just. Just you wait and see.
I weigh myself every day. I had a big birthday celebration two days ago (not my birthday). Yesterday, I weighed 2.8 pounds more than the day before. Today, I weighed 3.0 pounds less than yesterday. So, averaging that out, I've lost 0.1 pounds each of the last two days. Have I discovered a new, surefire weight loss diet, albeit one that is slow (although 0.7 pounds/week loss wouldn't be that bad)? Should I have a big celebration every other day and see what happens?0 -
I want to make Family Day special for my son tomorrow by making him a fun breakfast. What breakfast says “I’m grateful you are my child even though you drive me crazy sometimes”?
A bowl of Alphabet cereal with the letters carefully selected to spell out "I'm grateful you are my child even though you drive me crazy sometimes". You may need more than one bowl.frankwbrown wrote: »I weigh myself every day. I had a big birthday celebration two days ago (not my birthday). Yesterday, I weighed 2.8 pounds more than the day before. Today, I weighed 3.0 pounds less than yesterday. So, averaging that out, I've lost 0.1 pounds each of the last two days. Have I discovered a new, surefire weight loss diet, albeit one that is slow (although 0.7 pounds/week loss wouldn't be that bad)? Should I have a big celebration every other day and see what happens?
The only reason your plan is slow is because you need to kick it up a notch in intensity. You've already learned that going up 2.8# in one day leads to a (combined) 0.2# loss the next day. Do the math, and you can see if you go up 5.6# in one day then it stands to reason you'll lose 0.4# the next day, doubling your rate of loss. You can triple the rate of loss by truly going hog wild. Imagine cutting loose three times a week, eating everything in sight, and still losing almost two pounds that week. You're sure to be an internet sensation in no time!
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One of my favorite comic strips had the characters age with time, experiencing new challenges which resulted in new funny strips. However, most comic strips seem to be stuck in a time loop, with the characters remaining the same age forever. Why don't more comic strips change over time?
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Comic strip creators are, in general, a curious bunch. Most of them are under the impression that if their characters do not age, neither will they. By the time they realize this isn't true (if they ever do), it's too late, or they've entered second childhood, in which case it's somehow appropriate.
I just bought a 12-string guitar. It was an unplanned purchase, an impulse buy you might say. My assumption in buying it was that I would be able to play twice as many notes as I can on one of my 6-string guitars. You would think, doubling the number of notes would make me a much better guitarist, but I haven't received any comments to that effect yet. Was it a mistake for me to buy this guitar?0 -
It's never a mistake to invest in creative expression. The mistake, if any, is in your selection of target audience. You errantly believe the extra strings are for notes which the human ear can hear. While this is true in part, the full scope of the new notes is only fully realized by those with exceptionally sensitive hearing, since the new strings actually resonate in the hypersonic range. Most humans cannot hear these specialty notes, but dogs and cats can. Try hosting a concert for all the stray animals along your street, I'm sure they will greatly appreciate your newfound expertise.
My wife has been diligently working on completing her college degree, taking 1-2 classes at a time, for almost a decade. She's now only three semesters away from graduation, and I'm planning ahead for ways to celebrate her completing this important milestone. Any suggestions?0 -
I think you should celebrate in a way relevant to her degree, so she can practice her new found knowledge and expertise- since you didn't mention what it was in, here are a few suggestions
If it was in medicine, swallow a bottle of poison or stab yourself so she can treat you
If it was veterinary, do likewise to your dog so she can treat it
If it was in law, do likewise to your neighbour so she can defend you
If it was in finance do likewise to whole neighbourhood and pay for their medical costs so she can rescue you from bankruptcy.
If it was in real estate do above so she can sell your house to pay their costs.
I recently saw a really funny video on Facebook where a 12 month baby was abandoned in the wild and fended for itself, narrated David Attenborough style.
What was even funnier was comments from people about child abuse, call the authorities etc who, incredibly, thought it was real
(perhaps I will get my post flagged from those who think my suggestions are real too
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How can we help people who totally miss the point of jokes, satire or parody?2 -
Ignorance of jokes usually stems from inattention to detail. Proper education can help. I recommend constructing pamphlets you can pass out as needed. Keep the included instructions as simple and generic as possible. For example, the first line should read, "You just heard a joke. Laugh." These simple instructions apply equally well in a variety of situations which warrant appreciation of humor, such as when the listener hears the following phrases:
"You're under arrest!"
"Hand over your wallet!"
"You look very beautiful/handsome tonight."
The price of houses has increased drastically. My own house is now valued at over double the price I paid for it 18 years ago; when my grandparents passed, their house in Los Angeles sold for almost 100 times what they paid 50 years earlier. The house hasn't changed; it's the same number of bedrooms. Why is the price so much more later?0 -
Some people will tell you that it's due to inflation, that the price of houses has increased because the value of the dollar has decreased. That's ridiculous! The dollar is the same size as it was last century. So is your house. But what's different is our planet. You've heard of global warming. Well, there is also the phenomenon of global shrinkage. Counterintuitively, as the planet warms, it is also shrinking, but your house remains the same size. That means your house is bigger, in relative terms, than it was 18 years ago. This makes it more valuable. So, e.g., a modest 1,500 sq. ft. house of 50 years ago would be the equivalent of over one million sq. ft. now. That's a lot of space, and it will demand a much higher price!
Where did the hour go that many of us lost last night? And how did some of us hold onto that hour?0 -
Way back in the early years of the 20th century, the world was wracked by World War I, which began in 1914. Four years later, the Allies were on the verge of losing the war if they didn't do something drastic. Our greatest scientific minds got together and determined a technique to cause time to freeze everywhere on the planet, except for our troops, for 24 hours. During those 24 hours our troops were able to sweep unopposed through enemy lines and capture all the enemy leadership. When time unfroze, we had won the war. The year was 1918.
What does this have to do with the hour we lost last night? The machine which froze time to allow our victory had to suck the time from somewhere, or more accurately someWHEN. Since science didn't allow them to suck away time that had already happened, the President directed to suck an hour out of each year going forward. Politicians told the media this new Daylight Savings Time was for the sake of farmers, but now you know the truth is much cooler: we sacrifice an hour each year to allow us to win the great war more than a century ago. How much longer will this continue, you ask? Actually, back in the year 2000 when we skipped leap year we made the critical transition point from paying back the machine for 1918, and now we're stockpiling time for a future calamity.
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My boss is on vacation to Mexico, and his number two is spending time at home sick. This means I'm now the highest ranking person in the office, at least for the next few days. Any suggestions on how I should make the most of this unexpected promotion?0 -
First thing is a salary scramble, random draw. Then send out a company wide email showing whose salary got replaced with whose and the $ amount.
Make some upgrades to the office space - whatever you need. New carpeting? Paint? Furniture? Electronics? Air-handling/filtration system? Hire someone to replant all outdoor green space in native prairie and erect bird boxes.
Have a catered healthy lunch brought in for everyone.
Plan a big catered party for the evening with a live band, bar, mimes, ponies, a giant strobe light for the parking lot and a hot air balloon.
Then give everyone the rest of the week off.
…
I’m thinking of retiring. How do I decide when the time is right?0 -
I suggest retiring immediately after making all those purchases you just recommended, using company money, of course.
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New Mexico is famous for Area 51, the site where conspiracy theorists believe the government houses aliens. This seems to have skipped a few numbers, though. What mysteries are housed in Areas 1-50?0 -
I suggest retiring immediately after making all those purchases you just recommended, using company money, of course.
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New Mexico is famous for Area 51, the site where conspiracy theorists believe the government houses aliens. This seems to have skipped a few numbers, though. What mysteries are housed in Areas 1-50?
Area 21 is the galaxy's favourite holiday resort, aliens from many worlds spend time there being entertained by cabaret acts such as 'Donald Trump's stand up night' - and Bill Clinton's late night burlesque show.
Area 31 is where they keep Elvis.
We probably shouldn't talk about what's at Area 41, last time I spoke about it online, Joe Biden kicked my door down and threatened to have my memory wiped with one of those Men In Black flashy things.
My parents are reaching their twilight years, and as such enjoy peaceful, quiet pastimes and gentler low energy hobbies. Could somebody recommend to me a holiday (vacation) that would suit them well at this time of life?1 -
***Editor's Note: Welcome to the thread, @_Redux! We're honored your very first post on MFP is with us!***
I recommend the amateur NASCAR circuit for your parents. They've been driving for decades now, right? This activity is just that, driving in a circle for a few hours. Very boring, no physical motion needed on their part other than minor steering, it should be a piece of cake for them. However, I do acknowledge not everybody likes long distance drives of 500 or more miles. They can instead try a shorter driving experience, say the demolition derby, where cars are unlikely to travel more than a quarter mile at a time.
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My dog definitely lives up to the doggy stereotype of constantly getting into the garbage. Why do dogs do that, and what can I do to stop this behavior?3 -
***Editor's Note: Welcome to the thread, @_Redux! We're honored your very first post on MFP is with us!***
I recommend the amateur NASCAR circuit for your parents. They've been driving for decades now, right? This activity is just that, driving in a circle for a few hours. Very boring, no physical motion needed on their part other than minor steering, it should be a piece of cake for them. However, I do acknowledge not everybody likes long distance drives of 500 or more miles. They can instead try a shorter driving experience, say the demolition derby, where cars are unlikely to travel more than a quarter mile at a time.
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My dog definitely lives up to the doggy stereotype of constantly getting into the garbage. Why do dogs do that, and what can I do to stop this behavior?
D'aww, thanks for such warm words. I'm actually a returnee - I used to post in this thread in a past MFP life. Think; stealing shoes from orphans.
Your dog is clearly seeking gourmet delicacies from remnants of human food that can't be found in standard dog cuisine. The only solution to this is to start eating food that is so disgusting, even he or she will find it too repugnant to attempt to steal. For your dinner tonight, it's fried rat, and I'm not talking about freshly caught - it needs to be starting to rot, for breakfast it's cat food, keep experimenting until you find something foul enough to keep all dogs away from the trash.
On the subject of dogs, some people are allergic to their fur. This got me thinking, how do the blind and partially sighted get by if they're allergic to their guide dog? Could anybody suggest another animal they could use for mobility assistance instead?
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Allergies are often associated with tiny particles from either fur or feathers, so this rules out mammals and birds. The obvious solution is reptilians, more specifically an alligator. (Crocodiles work also, unless your name is Captain Hook.) Your seeing-eye alligator will ensure you don't run into anybody, because nobody will come close to you! Even traffic will swerve around you and your companion. Bonus: if you get tired of carrying items in your hands, place them on the gator's back and it won't be encumbered, just keep on walking.
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With my wife and daughter about to travel out of state on a school trip during spring break, I know they will return simply exhausted, while my few days sitting at home watching television will have me energized to start my next work week. Why do we so often need a vacation after returning from vacation?1 -
It’s the technology housed in Area 52 that makes us need a vacation to recover from vacation.
Why do people say “it goes without saying”?0 -
Because the knowledge contained in the next sentence will literally disappear off the face of the Earth if it is not said at that exact moment. Have you ever forgotten something obvious, like where you put the car keys or the name of the person with whom you're speaking? You didn't say it (the knowledge needed), so it went away. Scientists have argued for decades about where this knowledge goes to, some because they want to retrieve said knowledge, others because they assume the location holding all this knowledge must be the most advanced data archival system ever conceived and they wish to patent the technology before selling it to Disney (since eventually the whole world will be owned by Disney).
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Hair is such a funny thing. Some people have full heads of hair, others are bald; some men grow impressive beards, others remain clear skinned for life; and let's not even mention all the variations in hair on legs, backs and armpits. We're all human, so why this tremendous variation in the ability for our bodies to grow hair?0 -
...?
I think this response was meant for a different thread...0 -
Seems like spam to me... I flagged it.0
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Me too. needs one more to come to mods auto- attention.
But perhaps, like all nonsense, it has a kernel of truth - perhaps the key to hair growing or losing is in writing biographies!
Grey hair, balding, - all signs of stress - which surely would come from trying to write your own biography!
Quick, everybody who does not want to go grey or lose hair! - click into the link above to hire a professional to do it for you!
Quickly - before mods remove it from sight!
But really, writing biographies is so mundane - what if we all did it? - do we really want to read 6 billion or so biographies of every person in the whole world?
What could I write that is more unique and interesting (and will be a best seller and make me millions?
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The problem with stories is they never change. As in, if I've read it once, I know exactly what happens when I read it a second time. Same bad guy, same hero, same everything. But what if the story changed every time I read it? You can publish an e-book with the title, "The Chaos of Life", with the tag line that every time you open it, the story will be different. Inside the cover will be a link to your story...which takes the reader to the online newspaper of your choice. Since the articles always change, your promise will remain true. (A sequel can be published a few years later, "The Utter Chaos of Chaos", with a link which jumps to a random newspaper across the globe, resetting itself every five seconds.) You're sure to make your millions, but be prepared to be pushed into the next higher tax bracket, which will increase your taxes to millions as well, for a net profit of $1.27. Per year.
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People are always clamoring for a magic pill to either make them skinnier instantly, or gain tons of muscle instantly. Yet there are no products on the market to freeze time for those of us who are happy with our current physique, and wish it never changed again. I think this could be MY trip to millions, but I'm drawing a blank what kind of product it should be. Any suggestions?0 -
The problem with stories is they never change. As in, if I've read it once, I know exactly what happens when I read it a second time. Same bad guy, same hero, same everything. But what if the story changed every time I read it? You can publish an e-book with the title, "The Chaos of Life", with the tag line that every time you open it, the story will be different. Inside the cover will be a link to your story...which takes the reader to the online newspaper of your choice. Since the articles always change, your promise will remain true. (A sequel can be published a few years later, "The Utter Chaos of Chaos", with a link which jumps to a random newspaper across the globe, resetting itself every five seconds.) You're sure to make your millions, but be prepared to be pushed into the next higher tax bracket, which will increase your taxes to millions as well, for a net profit of $1.27. Per year.
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People are always clamoring for a magic pill to either make them skinnier instantly, or gain tons of muscle instantly. Yet there are no products on the market to freeze time for those of us who are happy with our current physique, and wish it never changed again. I think this could be MY trip to millions, but I'm drawing a blank what kind of product it should be. Any suggestions?
@nossmf - I would suggest that the ultimate tool for those in body maintenance mode would be a part-time cryogenic freezer. This smart device has all the benefits of freezing and preservation, but can be programmed to melt you out on pre-programmed dates, like an alarm clock, in time for special events that you wish to attend, looking your very best self. Of course, this machine would be the preserve of the rich because you would no longer be able to attend work. You could even have it encase you in carbonite in the style of Han Solo, so that while you're getting your 'beauty sleep' - you could double as an amazing living room ornament for your family to enjoy:
The local priest has asked me to look after has pet parrots while he goes on holiday, I've noticed that these birds are really rather clever, what might be a witty trick or quote to teach them before he gets back?1 -
The "trick" is trying to guarantee your entry into heaven. While the birds are with you, keep them in a room with a TV playing recorded religious services non-stop. When you return the birds, they will quote scripture to the priest, who will realize how devout you must be. The next time he prays he will lift up your name to the Big Guy, and presto! Your afterlife is now assured. (Just make sure your actual TV programs in the next room have a lower volume, or else you may discover your plan yields the opposite results...)
While weightlifting late last year, I injured my elbow and had to take a 4-month break from lifting to heal. I'm all healed up and good to go, so I started lifting again. Wow, I feel like I've never lifted before! So weak, sore muscles. Any ideas on ways a person can return to doing something physical after a prolonged absence and be just as good as they were before the break?0 -
I suppose no one has responded to your question because it's not really a problem. You're as strong as you ever were - it's all in your head. It's probably the case that the passage of time has you convinced that you used to find those physical tasks much easier. Then again, it's possible that you did not practice mind over matter techniques during your downtime. That technique involves just thinking about doing an exercise as opposed to actually doing it, but thinking about it so strongly that you feel as if you are actually doing it. If you do that, the magical power of the mind will work miracles.
My gym wants to increase my monthly fee by $5.00, but I don't want to pay $5.00 more per month. What argument can I use to convince them to make me an exception to the fee increase for everybody?0 -
I suggest making an appointment with the gym manager (or owner, if available). Be polite but firm when you tell them you don't want to pay $5.00 more per month, and would rather pay $10.00 more per month. You'll be amazed how being polite but firm will convince them to make a special exception in your case. In the unlikely event they do not accept your counter proposal, tell them the best you can do is an extra $4.00 per week.
Memorial Day is on Monday, a time traditionally celebrated through grilling food for your family. However, I have to work that day from 2pm - 10pm, meaning I won't be home to grill. What can I do for my family to ensure they don't feel like they missed out?0 -
If you light a slow fuse to set your kitchen on fire just before you leave, your family can have barbecued everything for hours. If you don't want to deal with the cleanup, you could light the neighbors kitchen on fire instead. Then just volunteer to help for 30 minutes or so.
I don't cook much anymore, but I like home cooked food. Solution?0 -
Pay a visit to @nossmf's family, or their neighbor's.
I started swimming regularly nearly three years ago. I'm not a fast swimmer by any means. I slowly progressed to the point that I could swim 100 yards in 3:20. I used to swim 4-6 times a week but lately, I've been swimming a lot less -- more like 4-6 times per month. I last swam on May 25th and my pace was exactly 3:20 min/100 yards. Today I swam 1,000 yards in 31 minutes - that's a 3:06 min/100 yards pace. Does swimming less somehow make me a better swimmer?
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To prove your hypothesis, let's extrapolate further. I don't swim at all. Theoretically, I should be the greatest swimmer of all time. I have never drowned when swimming in the local swimming pools, giving me a perfect safety record. Therefore, the original hypothesis must be correct. Swim less, swim better.
Now that my daughter has graduated high school and enlisted in the Navy, each of my first three children have joined the military (or tried and been rejected, in my eldest son's case). But my youngest daughter has stated she will never join the military, breaking not only from her siblings but also our long family history of military service. How can I convince her to change her mind?0
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