Please help me understand....motivation/support

AnnPT77 wrote: »

I think there probably as many meanings as people saying that, but also that there may be two broad answers, generic and specific (and maybe 3, because I'm an interfering, opinionated little ol' lady).

Generically, I think people ask for support or motivation here (from others) because they feel a little lost, maybe have failed before, have bought into the myths that losing weight has to involve suffering (because fat is a sin we need to expiate?!?) so they know they will find it hard to stick through the suffering (extreme diets, punitive exercise regimens), and they are hoping someone else can throw them a lifeline. So many people want to find the weird trick, the hack, the magic, the answer. They may implicitly want it to require not much change in routine habits, because change itself is hard.

As an aside, you will see old-timers here periodically answer some of these requests with "use methods that aren't so radical and unpleasant that they require constant motivation". (I'm 100% one of those old-timers.)

A few - I think/hope not most - may also be creating a situation where they have some external person/thing to attribute eventual failure to, so that they can preserve their self-image as someone who tried really, really hard against what turned out to be insurmountable odds. (I'm not saying that's blameful. It's very human. I do think it's sad: In a sense, self-disempowering.)

That said, it's also true that succeeding at something like weight management, fitness or health improvement is objectively harder if one's whole regular social context doesn't do or support those things. For a time, I used newsletters and reading in responsible web sites to get some of that context, and - big time! - the MFP community.

Specifically, within a couple, I agree with others that a support request means things like "don't sabotage me" or a bit more positive variation on that. That would include things like not offering/urging food treats, not flaunting your (probably higher) calorie level or progress, diplomatically asking if she wants to be included when you . . . I dunno, go for a walk, or try a new veggie, or whatever . . . then not fussing if she's not ready for that. I do think people need to find their own path, to a large extent.

That third thing: "Support me but I won't say how" is to me a communicational red flag, a general orientation that can affect other parts of partnered life. I'm not sure how to get around that, short of something like couples' counseling, honestly. I'm widowed now, but was married for 20+ years, reasonably happily. Early on, we needed to work through some similar issues, but it did involve some sharp conflict in the moment. It did eventually reach clarity. We stayed together during the conflicts, and I can't really tell you why, because some people don't.

If you two have been married a long time, maybe this general situation is more workable for you than for me, because I'd assume the general orientation has been there ("if you cared you'd know what I want"). Speaking only for myself, I do want my partner to feel happy and fulfilled, and I am (was) willing to devote personal energy to that. But I'm a terrible, terrible mind reader - worse than he was, definitely. I need to know what my partner wants, explicitly by them telling me, then I'll go a long way to do that (short of things that compromise personal integrity, ethics, morality, and that sort of thing). YMMV.

Perhaps not to you, but to me the circumstances you're in now would feel like a minefield, I'm sorry to say.

Best wishes, sincerely.

MsCzar wrote: »

collinsje1 wrote: »

What is your household situation? Who is buying the food? Do you share mealtimes? Go out to eat often? Do you keep less than healthy foods in your house? "Support" will probably hinge on your current situation and your wife's daily challenges.
To me, support would be someone who helps me keep my eyes on the prize. I like to think of an upcoming event where I'd like to look good. That's often enough to make me put down the fork. Example: "Won't it be great to both get in shape to go kayaking on Lake Watahocee this fall?"
When I'm faced with tough food choices like free unlimited catering at work, a great sale on my fave frozen pizza or even a good drive-thru discount coupon, I completely forget my weight and health goals. Poof! Gone from my brain! In those moments, I don't want to hear "Don't eat that!" but having a gentle encouraging voice directing me back on track with WHY I want to lose weight or exercise would be extremely helpful.

As far as our household situation.......Its me and my wife and 2 boys (6 and 2). We typically keep a running list on the fridge and usually on the weekends whoever is going to town will but the groceries. I dont buy "junk" food but I have no control over what she buys when she shops. And with 2 little kids we avoid restaurants like the plague. I do 98% of the cooking so the main meals are typically what I eat.... usually some type of protein (beef, chicken, pork) (our youngest is allergic to fish so we try to not make that when his is home, although occasionally when he is at the grandparents) and a vegetable to go with it. But its up to her how much she eats, and what she snacks on. With little kids in the house snacky foods are inevitable. She also makes comments about stress eating which I don't fully understand either, your still making a choice to eat something.



Thanks,