Wrong answers ONLY!

Decline them all, use extra $$$ for fast food and beer.

What’s the best movie ever ?

Eggscellent question? Mosaics would be the way to go. We break ours up in smaller pieces and have made a backsplash in the kitchen. Also did a walkway to the pool to give it that beach vibe. Possibilities are endless.

Eggs can be a great moisturizer. Have you ever washed your hair with eggs?

You are totally out of control, ordering that grilled cheese sandwich from some restaurant. It's against the law to eat a grilled cheese which isn't homemade. I'll let you off with a warning this time, don't do it again or I will have to contact the authorities.

I traded work shifts with a coworker but forgot to tell the boss our new schedule. Boss-man got all upset, but the work was still getting done, so I don't see what the problem is. Can anybody help explain to me why he got upset, so I can have more empathy in the future?

I regret my recent purchase of black licorice. I bought a dozen gross (aka great gross aka dozen dozen dozen), but I find the taste of black licorice to be gross (ironically). I had just read about how familiarity breeds contempt, and had the idea that perhaps with black licorice and me, it's the inverse: that is, lack of familiarity breeds contempt. So I thought I could change that by changing my diet, at least for a while, to nothing but black licorice. In hindsight, this might have been unwise.

I'd rather not have to eat a great gross of gross black licorice, but I'd hate to just throw it out. Is there something else I can do with this stuff, like build a log cabin?

Unfortunately, there is no way to recover your family budget spreadsheet. It's on permanent vacation in Aruba with my Quickbooks work files - all 19 years of them. Last month I had a blue screen of death computer crash that took out everything. I received a postcard from my Quickbooks file about 2 weeks later and another one shortly after your spreadsheet got to Aruba. You can expect your "hello from sunny Aruba" postcard soon.

After losing cellular service on my most recent business trip, I ventured out today to upgrade my phone to a new 5G phone. That process took about 10 minutes. Why does it take 2 hours to transfer everything from the old phone to the new one?

Cell phones and other electronic devices have gotten such bad reputations as somehow allowing the government to track us. I stand before you today to tell you this is completely false. The government has no need to track electronic signals, because it's already been tracking every breath you take for decades. Every time you exhale, billions of atoms which have been interacting with your lungs are released into the environment. With sophisticated tracking equipment (you didn't think those were simply light poles, did you?), the government monitors these atoms in order to tell where you are, as well as where you have been for the past three weeks or so. The central repository for all these records is Area 15, which was mistakenly referenced in a newspaper article back in the 50's by a dyslexic reporter as Area 51. So as you can see, there's no need to track your cell phone, or hover black helicopters near your house, when they can sit back and simply look at a map to know where everybody in the world is located. (Fun fact: they still cannot find Waldo or Carmen San Diego.)

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Can somebody please explain to me the correct rules for tipping? Used to be only waiters at a restaurant received a tip, maybe your taxi driver or hairdresser. But now I'm being asked how big a tip I want to give when picking up a coffee, or a deli sandwich, or a bank teller. Everybody wants a tip, but how big a tip should I be giving?

Wait, you take vacations? Like, actual leave the house, don't go to work, vacations? Is that even legal? I'm pretty sure there's a union by-law somewhere which you're in danger of violating, the one which says we must work every day until we die. (I looked it up...it's chapter 6, section 6, paragraph 6.) *confused pause* Wait, you're not a part of a union??? *strangled silent pause* I...what...but...can I come, too? I promise to not be a burden! I'll even wear a disguise! The one where I grow a mustache and shave it off, so nobody suspects I'm me! Please?

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What other disguise suggestions should I utilize to avoid being identified by "the man" as having shucked work to go on vacation with @Woodyslunchbox?

It lives! The thread LIVES!!!

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You're approaching your dilemma from only one side of the equation: production. You are struggling to find a solution to making too much/too little based on the assumption about the other side of the equation: consumption. You assume you are the only person eating, therefore having trouble with scaling the baking accordingly. Your problem will disappear entirely if you were not the only person eating! There are three popular methods to increasing the number of people eating:

A. Me, myself, and I. This approach allows your various internal monologue voices to all be temporarily silenced by feeding each of them an equal portion of whatever it is you make.

B. Open Door Policy. People often share baked goods with their neighbors, which is well and good, but there are so many homeless people in the world who are also in need of baked goods. The solution to both their problem and yours is to invite them into your house! Once you have a few dozen homeless people cycling through your kitchen, you won't be able to bake fast enough to keep up with the demand! Now you can try every single recipe you find, guilt free, as often as you like! What is that? Why not leave the homeless where they are, and bring the baked goods to them? Absurd, sir! They would get cold during the drive, and everybody knows baked goods must be eaten piping hot straight from the oven for maximum effect.

C. Share with Family. This option is NOT suggested, since everybody knows family drives each other crazy.

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With much of North America being pummeled by frigid temperatures, staying warm seems almost impossible. Here I'm sitting in my office still wrapped in my winter jacket! Short of setting fire to your coworker's cubicle for added warmth (tried it, the heat's short-lived once they put the flames out), what else can we all do to stay warm?

I love to learn so I’m thinking my next holiday will be taken at the garbage dump. I can either learn about sustainability or take up making creative recycled art.

I made garlic toast to go with my chili tonight but now all I can taste is garlic. How can I get rid of this overpowering taste?

Do you have a blow torch handy? No? Has this ever happened before? No? Well, I wouldn't worry... wait until next year, and if it's still frozen, think about moving to a warmer climate.
Alternatively, don't call 911, just invite some friends over, and ask them to bring a blow torch or some dynamite. That would provide the quickest solution.


So, I was feeling a little "peckish" this evening, and decided to have some cereal. That is, of course, more of a breakfast food. So, I'm wondering if I can have another breakfast tomorrow morning (2nd breakfast, if you will) or if I should instead have something like a full 9-course dinner.

(BTW, the hip term for creative recycled art is FoUnD aRt. It's a confusing/ambiguous term, but well, that's art (and artists) for you.)