Wrong answers ONLY!

Cell phones and other electronic devices have gotten such bad reputations as somehow allowing the government to track us. I stand before you today to tell you this is completely false. The government has no need to track electronic signals, because it's already been tracking every breath you take for decades. Every time you exhale, billions of atoms which have been interacting with your lungs are released into the environment. With sophisticated tracking equipment (you didn't think those were simply light poles, did you?), the government monitors these atoms in order to tell where you are, as well as where you have been for the past three weeks or so. The central repository for all these records is Area 15, which was mistakenly referenced in a newspaper article back in the 50's by a dyslexic reporter as Area 51. So as you can see, there's no need to track your cell phone, or hover black helicopters near your house, when they can sit back and simply look at a map to know where everybody in the world is located. (Fun fact: they still cannot find Waldo or Carmen San Diego.)

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Can somebody please explain to me the correct rules for tipping? Used to be only waiters at a restaurant received a tip, maybe your taxi driver or hairdresser. But now I'm being asked how big a tip I want to give when picking up a coffee, or a deli sandwich, or a bank teller. Everybody wants a tip, but how big a tip should I be giving?

Wait, you take vacations? Like, actual leave the house, don't go to work, vacations? Is that even legal? I'm pretty sure there's a union by-law somewhere which you're in danger of violating, the one which says we must work every day until we die. (I looked it up...it's chapter 6, section 6, paragraph 6.) *confused pause* Wait, you're not a part of a union??? *strangled silent pause* I...what...but...can I come, too? I promise to not be a burden! I'll even wear a disguise! The one where I grow a mustache and shave it off, so nobody suspects I'm me! Please?

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What other disguise suggestions should I utilize to avoid being identified by "the man" as having shucked work to go on vacation with @Woodyslunchbox?

It lives! The thread LIVES!!!

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You're approaching your dilemma from only one side of the equation: production. You are struggling to find a solution to making too much/too little based on the assumption about the other side of the equation: consumption. You assume you are the only person eating, therefore having trouble with scaling the baking accordingly. Your problem will disappear entirely if you were not the only person eating! There are three popular methods to increasing the number of people eating:

A. Me, myself, and I. This approach allows your various internal monologue voices to all be temporarily silenced by feeding each of them an equal portion of whatever it is you make.

B. Open Door Policy. People often share baked goods with their neighbors, which is well and good, but there are so many homeless people in the world who are also in need of baked goods. The solution to both their problem and yours is to invite them into your house! Once you have a few dozen homeless people cycling through your kitchen, you won't be able to bake fast enough to keep up with the demand! Now you can try every single recipe you find, guilt free, as often as you like! What is that? Why not leave the homeless where they are, and bring the baked goods to them? Absurd, sir! They would get cold during the drive, and everybody knows baked goods must be eaten piping hot straight from the oven for maximum effect.

C. Share with Family. This option is NOT suggested, since everybody knows family drives each other crazy.

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With much of North America being pummeled by frigid temperatures, staying warm seems almost impossible. Here I'm sitting in my office still wrapped in my winter jacket! Short of setting fire to your coworker's cubicle for added warmth (tried it, the heat's short-lived once they put the flames out), what else can we all do to stay warm?

I love to learn so I’m thinking my next holiday will be taken at the garbage dump. I can either learn about sustainability or take up making creative recycled art.

I made garlic toast to go with my chili tonight but now all I can taste is garlic. How can I get rid of this overpowering taste?

Do you have a blow torch handy? No? Has this ever happened before? No? Well, I wouldn't worry... wait until next year, and if it's still frozen, think about moving to a warmer climate.
Alternatively, don't call 911, just invite some friends over, and ask them to bring a blow torch or some dynamite. That would provide the quickest solution.


So, I was feeling a little "peckish" this evening, and decided to have some cereal. That is, of course, more of a breakfast food. So, I'm wondering if I can have another breakfast tomorrow morning (2nd breakfast, if you will) or if I should instead have something like a full 9-course dinner.

(BTW, the hip term for creative recycled art is FoUnD aRt. It's a confusing/ambiguous term, but well, that's art (and artists) for you.)

After arriving at work, walk into your boss's office, pick up his garbage can, and deliver the contents of your recent meal. Even the most hard-headed boss should recognize you had in you so much that needed to be cleaned out.

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I recently purchased a new book from my favorite author. It is book two of a new trilogy, and I don't want to start reading book one until I have in hand the entire set. Unfortunately, that could take over a year before book three is released. I've already been waiting a year since book one was released; I don't want to wait yet another year! What can I do to convince this author to hurry up and release the final book earlier than planned?

Umbrellas stop water from above, but do nothing to stop either rain blown sideways by wind, or water splashing up from puddles hit by passing cars. Your odds of arriving with dry clothes are not good in any case. But that problem also suggests the solution: wet CLOTHES take a while to dry, but wet SKIN takes mere seconds! Once you park your car, strip down completely and place all your clothes into a water-proof bag, along with a bath towel, and now it won't matter how went you get during the walk to work: once there, it'll only take seconds to dry off with the towel, and you will be the only person with nice, dry clothes! (Ladies with thick hair may need to consider wearing a shower cap during the walk.)

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I have a super-large water bottle that sits at my work desk. I refill it each morning when I get to work, sip from it throughout the day, and chug whatever's left at the end of the day when I head home. Since only water is ever used inside it, it should remain forever clean, but lately I've noticed some discoloration inside. What is causing this strange change?

Complain about how hot it is where you are. This may not make them any less irritated, but it will guarantee you won't have them complaining to you about how cold it is back home.

I had to skip breakfast this morning because I slept in too late and had to get to my tai chi practice. Now I'm at Starbucks having breakfast, before I head to the gym for water aerobics. I've already devoured by breakfast sandwich because I was so hungry, but my mocha is still piping hot. What can I do to cool it down so I can finish it before Water Aerobics?

BTW, I had the same thought as @nossmf about how to stay dry. So his suggestion has to have been the right... er, wrong answer.

I think back to my early working days and filling out things in triplicate on that carbon paper and how efficient that was. I suggest you create a form where you can share all the ways they are inappropriate on the form, keeping one copy for yourself, one for them, and one posted to MFP since I am assuming that like me, your only friends are here.

Since I can no longer use @nossmf’s water bottle every third day for my coffee (so inconvenient!!!), I will need another beverage container option. Any suggestions for this?

Just bring the coffee pot to your desk. Two birds with one stone. Coffee at your desk, and you can make "in person" friends when others come to your desk for their coffee.

I just won't exercise alone, and I can't get to the gym in this cold. Solutions?

** Editor's Note: I just re-read the entire thread, took two days to do so. I'd forgotten so much wisdom we've collectively contributed! **

In your line of work, a "client" is someone who pays you to complete a job, right? By definition, then, doesn't that make them the "boss?" How about getting them a "World's Greatest Boss" gift! They come in so many varieties, you're sure to find one which suits their personality...coffee mug, bowling ball bag, steering wheel cover, fuzzy handcuffs...use your imagination and pick whichever one makes you think most about them!

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In another thread, the discussion recently featured how greater flexibility helps improve gym performance. I was so inspired I tried to touch my toes, but failed. Any suggestions how to improve my flexibility, since I want that improved gym performance?

Has he installed those hardwood floors she wanted? If not, this is probably a good time to spring this gift on her. She'll be so excited, she'll completely forget that he dropped her on her head.

I've been doing pretty well at sticking to an exercise routine, but sometimes when I'm travelling, it's either too early or too late to go to the hotel gym. And sometimes my hotel room is so small, there isn't even any room for doing push-ups, etc. Any suggestions for little workouts I can sneak in that don't require machines or weights?

Most hotels are very boring, with every room having identical furniture placement. Enliven the place by rearranging the furniture yourself! If you ask nicely, the hotel manager will let you use the master key, so you can go room to room and change the configuration to something different in each room. Bonus points if you move the bed or chairs while somebody is occupying it! Soon the hotel will be the talk of the town, with every new guest eager to discover what unique arrangement their room has in store for them. Your hotel will be so glad for the increased business, they will probably let you stay for free!

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I've noticed after my last few weightlifting workouts that the muscles I worked are weaker for the rest of the day. I thought the whole point of weightlifting was to grow stronger. What am I doing wrong?

Have you ever seen a movie where a character takes a bite of something spicy, proclaims loudly how spicy it was, then breathes fire to relieve the internal heat buildup? I suspect something similar happened here, as a result of you dining on Spicy Meatball Pizza. Since you only ate half of the pizza, the buildup of heat to critical mass got delayed from an immediate reaction to several hours later. (The buildup of heat energy was reflected on the scale...you thought you had gained weight, when in reality you gained energy, which can sometimes be mistaken for increased mass thanks to Einstein's famous equation E=mc^2.)

When you sat down before your computer, no doubt one (or more) of the posts you read caused you to sigh out loud at the stupidity or naivete of the world, possibly while shaking your head and either closing or rolling your eyes. It was during these critical moments that your body finally released the built up heat from the spicy pizza in the form of short bursts of fire directed at the plate of biscuits. By the time you thought to grab another biscuit, the bout of fire breathing had ended, but only after incinerating the innocent pastries. The bad news is you cannot eat the treat, but the good news you have relieved your body of the excess thermal energy, thus your weight has no doubt returned to normal. Go check on the scale, you should be back to where you were before your dinner the other night.

Why haven't we heard of other people exhibiting this capability in the news? Most people have to suffer through burning mouths since they cannot release the heat energy in any other way, but a very few tai chi masters have discovered this alternate form of energy release. The fact you have now demonstrated this ability means you have reached the 12th Level of Awakening, a ranking most tai chi masters fail to achieve. You should run to share this revelation with your tai chi teacher, who will most certainly help connect you with the nearest grand master who will personally take over your training from this point forward.

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My youngest daughter turns 16 years old next week, a fact my wife is vehemently denying is possible, she (my wife) is not old enough to have four children age 16 and over. My question revolves around the old tradition of calling this birthday "Sweet 16." How did this nickname for this milestone birthday get started, considering most teenagers (my daughter included) are anything BUT sweet in temperament at this age?

As an owner of an electric car, I have given this some thought. Owning an electric vehicle does require being well-informed and well-prepared -- it's a basic prerequisite. Even in warm weather, there is the risk that you might find yourself too far from a charging station when you need one. So I always carry some extra batteries with me in case that need arises. But you don't want just any batteries. The obvious choice is Energizer batteries! The Energizer Bunny is clear proof that with their batteries, you can "keep going and going..."


Before you know it, the American Football season will be over. What exciting sport should people begin following to fill the endless hours no longer spent watching 32 teams battling it out on the field?