Wrong answers ONLY!

We've already talked about other interesting sports much earlier in this thread (does anyone remember extreme ironing?), but I did locate a list of 37 other "sports" to take football's place in our affections.
Unfortunately, my cellphone camera screenshot function wouldn't let me capture the whole list, so I've truncated that to the first 15. (You'll notice, extreme ironing is number 10.) I think any one of these could possibly overtake football as America's national pastime. My personal favorite is competitive worm charming.

How can you tell if someone is lying to you?

Never. I have never told a lie of any color... as sure as my name is @Cat0703a. Or is it @frankwbrown? Or maybe @nossmf. I'm not lying - just unsure.

How often do you see your best friend?

May I suggest the Ultimate Flourless Chocolate Cake (for your visiting gluten free friend), and chocolate mousse, a giant chocolate peanut butter cookie cake, chocolate pound cake, chocolate-glazed brownie cupcakes, chocolate donuts, chocolate covered strawberries, any Talenti Gelato flavour with the word "chocolate" in it and Hershey's kisses - in case Frank stops by. Oh... and Reese's Pieces and a Pepsi for @nossmf, since he won't have coffee with us. (I'm assuming you already have coffee.)

I've been brought in much too early for today's job. In fact, they probably could've saved some money and brought me in to start tomorrow. Since I probably have 2-3 hours of free time ahead of me, but can't leave to go anywhere, other than checking out the threads here at MFP, how should I amuse myself?

Precision slicing of lettuce leaves is very demanding, requiring sophisticated machinery in large processing plants. For the casual eater, I recommend against attempting this yourself, for your own safety. Instead, have you considered eating a sprig of celery, since it has a value of negative-3 calories? Everybody knows celery burns more calories digesting than it delivers to the body. If you consume -3 calories worth of celery, you can then afford to eat the ENTIRE lettuce leaf's 4 calories, and voila! Calorie limit maintained.

*****

Every Monday in the weight room, space on the bench press becomes hotly contested as everybody attempts to honor National Bench Press Day. Sometimes people have to delay their entire workout by several minutes while they wait for a station to open up. Adding more bench stations isn't an option at my gym, where floor space is limited, while NOT doing the bench press on Monday is a federal felony punishable by up to 24 hours of delayed pectoral development. What can we do to resolve this potentially catastrophic dilemma?

The Chinese are especially fond of outsiders, as evidenced by the Great Wall of China. (Oh, you thought it was supposed to keep people OUT? Nope, the Chinese needed the extra wall space so they could create an enormous banner welcoming everybody IN! Unfortunately, the Great Silk Shortage of 2000 B.C. meant there was not enough silk leftover to create the banner AND all the dragon figures for the parades, so something had to give.) Anyway, if you are truly serious about learning about Chinese culture, travel to the nearest Chinatown (most cities have one...if yours doesn't, try the Farmer's Market) and ask to see Lee. When they ask which Lee, just repeat your desire to see Lee. Once Lee reveals himself (or herself, it's the 21st century after all), tell him/her/they how you want to be introduced to the Secrets of the Universe. Make sure you speak in a suitably spooky and mysterious voice when you say this. Before Lee will allow you in, you will be given a test: it's a simple test, every Chinese child above age 1 can complete it. Are you ready? Secure a Chinese finger trap to both index fingers...then a second to both middle fingers...then a third from your right pinkie to your left ring fingers, a fourth from your left thumb to your right ring finger, and a fifth from your right thumb, around the back of your hand and wrist, and back to your right thumb. Once they are all secured, simply free yourself within 60 seconds. Let's practice right now: I have a stopwatch handy. Ready, set, go!

*****

After shoveling my driveway and sidewalk, I came inside to enjoy a nice hot cup of cocoa, and it suddenly hit me: when I was outside, there were a dozen other people shoveling their driveways, but every single one was on my side of the street. I cannot recall a single time seeing somebody on the other side of the street ever having to shovel their driveway, yet it is always clear. I asked my neighbor about this, and he told me some crazy story about how since their house faces south, the sun clears their driveway for them, but that just sounds crazy to me, since I was outside during the day with plenty of sun in the sky yet my driveway still had tons of snow. Clearly there must be another explanation. Could you please enlighten me?

Whoa...you must have mistakenly been issued one of the government's super-duper-top-secret "omission ovens". Originally designed to help eradicate the world of dangerous bacteria responsible for plagues of the past, the federal bookkeepers unfortunately made a mistake in their ledger when a clerk mistook a 7 for a 1. (In his defense, the handwriting of his supervisor was very difficult to read, we think he may have been a doctor in a previous life.) This small error allowed for 6 of the ovens to be "omitted" from the government inventory lists. Once World War II began, the Allied Powers feared the Axis would infiltrate our warehouse and steal the bacteria-eradicating ovens and reverse engineer them to become bacteria-creating ovens to be unleashed on our troops overseas, so the government moved all the ovens to a safer location...at least, all the ones the inventory list identified, meaning six ovens were left behind. After the war, the warehouse was purchased by a small company which made toys, who threw these seemingly worthless ovens out into the street. Over the years the ovens have changed ownership dozens of times, but were always cast aside because of their habit of causing half the food cooked within or on top to disappear. Somehow, one of these ovens has now made it into your hands. But now you are armed with the knowledge of its potentially unlimited uses, from eliminating your debt (simply drop a bill into a pot, and poof! Gone! No more debt!) to ridding the world of all its scourges, like world hunger and politicians. Use your imagination, but please, wield your awesome new powers responsibly. And keep an eye on your neighbors...you never know if a dormant Axis sympathizer may discover the truth and try to rebuild the New World Order through "borrowing" your oven.

*****

The whole idea of drinking water for health seems like an endless circle of futility. We're told to drink water to be healthy, yet the more we drink the more often we need to go to the bathroom, only to see all that water leave our bodies, thus requiring us to drink yet more water. Over and over, it never ends. Why can't modern science come up with something which we can consume for health, yet it never leaves us and thus never needs to be replaced?

The answer comes from astrophysics, and the mathematical equation explaining it is 17 pages long. I will try to simplify the answer for the non-astrophysicists among us:

The Earth follows a set orbit around the sun, the size, shape and speed of it having been established billions of years ago. When early human scientists established the length of day and year, they were merely obeying the natural laws as written in a special Cosmic Codex they discovered at the bottom of the Red Sea following a drought which caused it to dry up completely until the next rainstorm reflooded it.

The Codex made it quite clear what would happen if humans tried to violate the natural laws by altering our calendars in a way not covered by the Codex. Specifically, we risk causing the Earth to shudder to a halt in its orbit, no longer rotating, no longer racing around the sun, just stuck motionless. It gets "arrested", which is where humans got the term we use when describing what happens to criminals who are locked away and unable to keep moving. (This is where the nearly incomprehensible calculation comes into play, explaining the physics which describe this change in motion.) This would mean one side of the world would be in perpetual day, the other half locked into a never-ending night, and the seasons would not change from where they are today. To avoid this, we humans can only make changes on days pre-approved by the Codex, no alterations allowed.

*****

Some of my favorite foods from my childhood still appeal to me, while some of my old favorites are no longer enjoyable and have been replaced by new favorites which I used to hate. I'm still the same person as I was back then, so what gives? I've noticed the same phenomenon in my kids as they've grown from baby to young adults, but it's a different set of foods for each of us. Why do our food preferences change as we age, and why do we change differently instead of all the same?

Have you ever ridden a bicycle, wind rushing into your face, and had to squint to see? The same issue plagued car drivers before the invention of the windshield, which blocked the rushing air and allowed only light to get to your eyes.

Eyeglasses are simply a car windshield in miniature, shrunk down by the Willy Wonka Shrinkinator for use by just one person at a time. People who need glasses are merely hyper-sensitive to the rush of air all around us, even on a still day. But these tiny windshields block all of this airflow from reaching our eyes, allowing us to relax and concentrate only on the light coming through.

*****

Since the invention of the printing press, mankind has continued to find ever-shorter methods of passing information. First we used contractions to combine two words into one (you+are=you're), then we developed acronyms to turn the first letters of a series of words into a single word (Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation = LASER). With this texting generation, now entire sentences are reduced into a series of random letters (WWJD, ROFLMAO). What will be the next method humans develop to accelerate communication in the future?