Is it wrong?

Oddly enough, although there are people who are male and people who are female drinking in the same pub, we regularly manage to avoid the whole evening degenerating into an alcohol fuelled orgy!

Your amazing. lol.

i have been married for 10 years this coming June. one of my closest friends lives less than 10mins away and he is a man. He isnt single but he was was when i got married. I have known him since I was 5yrs old. I have many male friends. my husband trusts me to be alone with them. he would never ask me to stop being friends with them. BUT i get jealous when he is alone with other woman. I will not make him stop seeing them tho. It's just my low confidence that makes me jealous lol

I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.

What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!

I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?

"I don't feel I have to choose my marriage over my friends" in my opinion is a immature attitude for a married women. Regardless if those friends are men or women. Certainly we are all entitled to have social relationships outside our marriage BUT when friends start to become more important than your marriage...you have a major issue....whether they are male or female. Also define the friendships? Once in awhile you grab lunch together? Do you see them more than once a week?
Are you hanging out in a bar drinking while hubby is at home?

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

Honestly my husband doesn't have any issue with me keeping in touch with guys I went to HS with.. And I don't have issues with him keeping in touch with girls he went to HS with. BUT they all are married so maybe that makes a difference.

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If its abt jus havin friends, any woman can think of choosing marriage over friends n all that...but as u said , he has a prob with u being in some team... that sounds weird to me ... I believe : Any relation is not worth once it reaches a point where we tend to suffocate ....

I'm only 19 and if I was to ever get involved with a guy that was " bothered " by my male friends... i'd sent him right on his way! That's bs!

I'm shocked at how many on this thread have said something along the lines of choose your husband or choose your friends. WTF? Are we living in medieval times?

No wonder so many marriages fail when so many of them are apparently built on a foundation of insecurity, mistrust and lack of compromise.

After I read all of the OP's comments I realized there is a lot more going on with her husband than I originally took from her first post. He sounds like he has a LOT going on inside and I'm sure serving in the military played a huge part in that. God bless him for serving his country and I hope he can get the help it sounds like he needs. Good luck to both of you.

Ok...here's my point of view after reading ALL your posts. First, you married this man, so can I safely assume he was not this way before he went away? Can we agree that you loved everything about this man BEFORE he left for duty? That he was a loving man who respected you? If so, then here's my oppinion.

First...I have a guy friend at work, he's to most people an attractive guy and when we started hanging out I'm sure tons of rumors swirled about us, but in the 5 years we've known eachother, I have had zero interest in him, because I see him as I see other friends....a friend....I give him advice on life, we chat, vent, go for coffee together, lunches ect....and if my husband disagreed, we'll....we'd have to figure out why he doesnt trust ME.....So...I think it's wrong to say guys and girls can't be friends....UNSTABLE guys and girls can't be friends...but people in a stable, loving, trusting relationship can definitely be friends with whoever they want!
That being said. It sounds like your husband has suffered some serious trauma being away. While it's very quick to bash him for his actions, just try and think for 2 seconds what life was like over there for him? I think men are screwed up as it is emotionally, imagine adding that kind of trauma, I can't even imagine! Now he comes home, he's all messed up inside, sick and tired of "talking" to a therapist because he's so messed up. He is probably so lost, and spiralling further and further out of control. He is lashing out at the one person he knows loves him enough to be hurt by everything, because deep down inside, hurting you probably feels good in some way because it's the only emotion he can deal with at this moment.

Is it wrong to have male friends? absolultely not, but right now, your husband is seriously messed up. He needs to love himself again before he can love anyone else. He needs to be brought back down to earth and I think that starts with you saying....I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and even though I have ZERO clue what you've been through, I said "for better or worse" and this is the "worse" part and I'm going to fight like hell to get you to the land of the living again...he's LITERALLY coccooning himself away from the world. My advice, reach out to other solider's wives...there must be some sort of support groups where you are....find out what works...and I think it starts with a new therapist who has dealt with soliders.......

Once you sort everything out and get your marriage back on track.....I bet you'll see this whole "no guys allowed" thing dissapear...now...not saying this will be resolved in a month....I'm 8 years into a life with a man who grew up with a cold mother and we are still working on him being ok with opening up about his feelings....it's a struggle...every...single...day....but I love him like no other and I'm willing to love enough for the both of us....

How your husband is acting is one thousand percent inappropriate...it is wrong wrong wrong and NO one would blame you for walking away....EVER....but...you need to remind yourself of who you married and remember he can be that person again..but he needs your help. Not you to say " well f you...you can't decide who my friends are!" .......You just have to decide....Do you have that energy to put into fixing this...because at this point, you have to love enough for both of you.

Good luck....what your facing is going to be a long journey...if you come out on the other side together you'll be stronger and have a ten times better marriage than HALF the stupid comments posted here(not saying everyones are stupid...but seriously....come on people).......and if you dont....like I said...no one would judge you....

After I read all of the OP's comments I realized there is a lot more going on with her husband than I originally took from her first post. He sounds like he has a LOT going on inside and I'm sure serving in the military played a huge part in that. God bless him for serving his country and I hope he can get the help it sounds like he needs. Good luck to both of you.

^^ This.

In a marriage both parties giving respect to the other is tantamount. So is trust. By distrusting your spouse you are disrespecting your spouse.

I have no patience for petty jealousies. If my mate wanted to bar me from some activities simply due to the gender of other participants that would be exceedingly disrespectful and distasteful. Such behaviour would endanger the relationship much more than my continuing to engage in the barred activities!

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

Once you're married HE is supposed to be your support system.

I once read something about how dealing with opposite sex friendships is all about keeping the "windows and walls" all in the right place. When there is something private going on in your marriage, if your marriage is solid there is a "wall" in place that separates you and your opposite sex friends, but a "window" between you and your spouse - meaning you talk about it with your spouse and not your friends. Trouble comes when there is a window between you and your guy friend and a wall between you and your husband. So I think it's perfectly fine to have opposite sex friends, as long as you're not sharing super intimate details about your husband with them (especially knowing how your husband feels). If you are, it puts you on a level of intimacy that your husband (understandably) feels uncomfortable with.

*******I believe that a marriage relationship is the most important relationship.********** When my husband and I feel uncomfortable or feel like something is coming between us, we talk about it and try to figure out where those feelings are coming from. Have a heart to heart with your husband. Maybe he has good reason to feel threatened, but if not then you will be able to assure him that you love him and are being faithful. Does he know your guy friends? Does one of the guys have romantic feelings for you whether acted on or not? These could be causing insecurities. Nothing feels worse than to wonder if the most important person in your life is growing apart from you.

You did ask in this forum if anyone thinks it is wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. So here is my opinion: it is wrong if it is threatening the marriage. I would never want to do anything to threaten my marriage in any way. I certainly have friends and some of them are males, but they NEVER come before my husband. He is the most important person in my life.

Divorce sucks! Don't ruin your marriage. Please talk to your husband and get to the bottom of where his feelings are coming from. If you don't want to honor his feelings than maybe you would be better getting divorced. BUT if you have kids, please try to find a way to work it out. It really is not fair to your kids.

I have to agree for the most part, but if your husband loves you....why would he make you choose? Maybe he's a little insecure, take him with you when you see your guy friends. He needs to feel number one in your life, just as you need to feel number one in his.
I have guy friends and my boyfriend (of 15 yrs) has girl friends, but every night when I lay my head down to sleep......I know I'm not going anywhere and neither is he! you have to have trust, but also respect for each other. Him for you having friends, but also you for his feelings.
Maybe take it slow..and work on your relationship together first. forget about the counsilor, they are just taking your $ ...you need to re-connect and find the relationship (sense of connection) you had when you got married.... Start doing something together (fitness class, date night- not the movies, you don't get to talk, unless there's dinner after wards....heck it go parking down a dirt road) Sometimes we need those little things we use to do in the begining to keep us going forward together.

........and that didn't cost you a thing! GOOD LUCK!!!!

I couldn't read through all of the responses here to see if this has already been said but...

I'm like your husband. I asked my husband to give up a lot of his old female friends when our dating relationship became serious. Do I have some self-esteem issues? Sure. Everyone does. Is that the ONLY reason why I asked him to let go of those friendships? Of course not. I've been on both sides of the coin - cheater and cheated. Every time was because of a single person outside of the relationship becoming some form of emotional/physical support to either me or my exes. So your husband is insecure about himself, your marriage (which is obviously already troubled from your description), and your ability to confide in him as your life partner instead of going outside of your relationship to fulfill that male friend role.

My suggestion? If you value the relationship you have with your husband who you vowed to make a lifelong commitment to in front of family and friends... then you'll respect his insecurities until he feels comfortable enough to let go a bit and give you the freedoms you desire. It may take months, it may take years, it may never happen at all but for you to rebel against his requests will probably just make him all that much more insecure when considering your motivations - putting your marriage in a downward spiral.

As for softball... if an all-female league is available in your area - what's the difference which team you play with? In his mind... it's the opportunity you'll have to mingle with other men regardless of intention. I speak from experience with this line of thinking.