How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet....

Telling the truth when asked is not tact?
If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask.

In many situations it is possible to be both honest and tactful.

I mean, if your co-woker comes up to you super excited about losing 5lbs, you could say something like "That's a great start!" instead of "You're a huge fatty. Come back and tell me when you've lost 50lbs."

This is where I run into so much trouble.
People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!

Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.

EXACTLY!!! Like I said - I got fat again because no one was brave enough or cared enough to tell me to do something about it! People are too soft on here - do you see half the reactions I'm getting?

The snivelers hate truth, because they feel threatened by it. No doubt they fear it in their own life, so they dare not tell another the truth - even is asked for an opinion.

That's where we have digressed into political correctness.
Everybody just wants an echo chamber of worthless cheer-leading.

Who exactly are these "snivelers"?

I'm honest with other people, but more importantly, I am honest with myself. Some people have the ability to be honest AND kind at the same time. Unfortunately, some of the loudest crusaders for "truth" are incredibly unkind and completely devoid of tact. Honesty doesn't always have to be hurtful.

Speaking of honesty, OP, you are claiming that you want to help her, but it seems that perhaps your primary motivation is that she thinks she's the same size as you are, and is being boastful about her so-called success. Be honest about your reason for wanting to tell her. Do you want her to see that you're doing much better than she is, or are you genuinely concerned about her? Do you really think that people will make comments to her face after the performance, or do you just want her to feel bad?

If we're being honest here, let's look inward first, shall we?

When I have to say something not pleasant , it has always been useful to start by saying something nice. For example "This skirt is beautiful and you look so sexy on it, but I don't think it's OK for a job interview because it's too short". The message is clear and it's better than say "Are you out of your mind???!!! you look slutty"

Maybe you can tell her that she looks better and you know how hard she is trying, but if she wants to see better (or faster or whatever) results she needs to take her compromise to the next level .... Hard to offend when you say the truth in an objective, polite and friendly way.

Here we go again....
Telling the truth when asked is not tact?
If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask.

I won't argue with your assessment of people not wanting to hear the truth. I agree with much of what you say. But you regularly demonstrate that you do not understand tact. See: http://www.tfd.com/tact

I'm honest with other people, but more importantly, I am honest with myself. Some people have the ability to be honest AND kind at the same time. Unfortunately, some of the loudest crusaders for "truth" are incredibly unkind and completely devoid of tact. Honesty doesn't always have to be hurtful.

Speaking of honesty, OP, you are claiming that you want to help her, but it seems that perhaps your primary motivation is that she thinks she's the same size as you are, and is being boastful about her so-called success. Be honest about your reason for wanting to tell her. Do you want her to see that you're doing much better than she is, or are you genuinely concerned about her? Do you really think that people will make comments to her face after the performance, or do you just want her to feel bad?

If we're being honest here, let's look inward first, shall we?
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You're absolutely right - it pisses me off when she compares herself to me. She's sees my weight loss as her own - and it doesn't make sense. Just because I look at Kate Middleton on line doesn't mean I'm the same size as her. I've been in performance venues and afterwards seen pictures of myself - horrific doesn't even begin to describe it.

So yes, I have looked inward and I'll admit 100% there's a part of it that would make me happy getting her to realize she's got a long way to go before she gets to where I've worked my *kitten* off (literally) to get to, but at the same time, I've been in her shoes and been delusional about my outward appearance and I WISH someone would have said something to me.
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This makes you a leader and role model. Please don't abuse the position.

Ask her where she got her confidence. Come back and tell the people who need some.

Its a bad idea to give this kind of criticism to someone that is bipolar that does not take it well.

Maybe you should ask yourself why it is so important to you to say something to her? What makes this your business? This is actually an issue that YOU need to work on, not her. Maybe you could figure out how to not be so judgmental and not worry about what she is saying?

Would you say this same stuff to a child? Would you tell a happy 16 yr old this same thing? Would you consider their feelings?

This is how you tell someone to mind their own business.

I think this is a Nunya. Nunya damn bizness.
Unless she's forcing you to eat peanut butter cups, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot carrot.

If she's happy with herself, who cares?

Most of us before we got serious about it bounced back and forth. Do not say anything let him or her figure it out for himself or herself. Never be negative about weight loss because if you cannot be positive about it you have more than a fat problem. Congrats on your weight loss and keep losing for you not the co-worker.

I think this is a Nunya. Nunya damn bizness.
Unless she's forcing you to eat peanut butter cups, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot carrot.

Was hoping Nunya would make an appearance. :flowerforyou:

Its a bad idea to give this kind of criticism to someone that is bipolar that does not take it well.

Maybe you should ask yourself why it is so important to you to say something to her? What makes this your business? This is actually an issue that YOU need to work on, not her. Maybe you could figure out how to not be so judgmental and not worry about what she is saying?

Would you say this same stuff to a child? Would you tell a happy 16 yr old this same thing? Would you consider their feelings?

This is how you tell someone to mind their own business.

^^^ This. After reading through all the responses, I most agree with this one. I wonder what motivated you to post this question in the first place. I sense that you somehow feel threatened by this woman. That you feel that she is somehow detracting from your success. Becoming fit is not a competition. You share common goals. That's what we all do here. Why can't you celebrate her success, rather than try to diminish it. Bi-polar is a devastating disease. Cut her a little slack. We are all on the same journey. Her boat may not be as fast as yours, but you are both heading for the same destination. Be kind. Life is too short to be anything else.....

Yeah, I wouldn't say anything. She'll get serious about it when she's ready. In the meantime, you'll look better standing next to her ;P

You're absolutely right - it pisses me off when she compares herself to me. She's sees my weight loss as her own - and it doesn't make sense. Just because I look at Kate Middleton on line doesn't mean I'm the same size as her. I've been in performance venues and afterwards seen pictures of myself - horrific doesn't even begin to describe it.

So yes, I have looked inward and I'll admit 100% there's a part of it that would make me happy getting her to realize she's got a long way to go before she gets to where I've worked my *kitten* off (literally) to get to, but at the same time, I've been in her shoes and been delusional about my outward appearance and I WISH someone would have said something to me.

Well at least you finally admit you just want to say something to her to make yourself feel better.

Okay. That's fair. I think what you should consider, though, is that what you might have wished for isn't necessarily what everyone would want.

There is a woman with whom I used to work who is a friend of mine of Facebook. We also have mutual friends and see each other a couple of times a year. She saw a picture of me wearing a particular dress that she loved, and has (jokingly?) asked me several times if she can borrow it. She is at least 4 sizes larger than I am.

I had a choice. I could have pointed out to her that there is no way it would fit, I could have loaned it to her so she could see for herself that it wouldn't fit, or, I could have just laughed it off and changed the subject. I opted for the latter option. Why? Because I don't want to make her feel bad. It serves no useful purpose. It won't make me feel better and it certainly won't make her feel better.

In a world where so many people perceive themselves as being much larger than they are, I actually find it a bit endearing (if confusing) that she sees herself as smaller than she is. It's not my job to burst her bubble.

Excellent advice!