Find a Joke.....Add a Joke

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  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
    This one was told to me by my 8 year old step-son. LOL.

    Have you ever wondered how to catch a polar bear?

    You put peas around his fishing hole and when he bends over to eat them you kick him in the ice hole.
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    > > *Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
    > > Purina dog chow
    > > for my loyal pet, Reno, the Wonder Dog and was in the
    > > checkout line
    > > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    > >
    > > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm
    > > retired and have
    > > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
    > > have a dog, I was
    > > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
    > > shouldn't,
    > > because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
    > > I'd lost 50
    > > pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
    > > tubes coming out
    > > of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    > >
    > > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
    > > that the way that
    > > it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
    > > nuggets and simply
    > > eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
    > > nutritionally
    > > complete so it works well and I was going to try it
    > > again. (I have to
    > > mention here that practically everyone in line was now
    > > enthralled with
    > > my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
    > > intensive care because
    > > the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a
    > > curb to sniff
    > > an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.
    > >
    > > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
    > > attack he was
    > > laughing so hard.
    > >
    > > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
    > >
    > > Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all
    > > the time in the
    > > world to think of crazy things to say.

    ROFL! :laugh:
  • d5d14m66
    d5d14m66 Posts: 150 Member
    A 90-year-old man's friends sent him a call girl for his birthday. When the man answered the door, the woman said, "Happy Birthday! I'm here to give you super sex!"

    The man said, "Thanks, I'll have the soup."
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
    check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.
    You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather
    have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is
    excellent.. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
    old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his
    beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
    Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
    also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
    holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will
    also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
    sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
    rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment
    with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage
    will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
    $200,000 a year."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin'
    me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . You started it!"
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
    hehe. too funny!!
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
  • jess_h_2
    jess_h_2 Posts: 49
    Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.


    How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
    Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

    A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions
  • rubberjonnie
    rubberjonnie Posts: 4,171
    Chinese for dummies......!

    That's not right...
    Sum Ting Wong

    Are you harboring a fugitive?...
    Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me ASAP...
    Kum Hia Nao

    Stupid Man...
    Dum Gai

    Small Horse...
    Tai Ni Po Ni

    Did you go to the beach?...
    Wai Yu So Tan?

    I bumped into a coffee table...
    Ai Bang Mai Ni

    I think you need a face lift...
    Chin Tu Fat

    It's very dark in here...
    Wai So Dim?

    I thought you were on a diet...
    Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone...
    No Pah King

    Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
    Wai Yu Kum Nao?

    Staying out of sight...
    Lei Ying Lo

    He's cleaning his automobile...
    Wa Shing Ka

    Your body odor is offensive...
    Yu Stin Ki Pu
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

    A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions



    L:laugh: L
  • dkell
    dkell Posts: 408 Member
    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

    "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .

    "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

    "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

    "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
  • quinnybear
    quinnybear Posts: 243
    a man on vacation in ireland walks into a bar one evening. he sits next to an older gentleman who is also sitting alone. after a few minutes the old man looks to him and asks, "you see the dock over there?" "yes," he replied. "i built that dock with my own two hands! but you think they call me 'mcgreggor the dock builder?'"

    a few minutes later the old man asks, "you see that ship over there?" "yes," he again replied. "well i built that ship with my own two hands! but you think they call me 'mcgreggor the ship builder?'"

    then a few minutes later the old man asks, "you see this bar we're sitting at?" getting a little annoyed, the man again replies, "yes." "well i built this bar with my own two hands! but you think they call me 'mcgreggor the bar builder?'"

    the old man then says... "but you f**k one goat!"
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    LMAO! :laugh:
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    Too funny, just had to pass it on!

    3528861357_5c1c357572.jpg
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    Love the Troll Away! :laugh:
  • icandoallthings
    icandoallthings Posts: 1,212 Member
    LOL!! "Love the Troll Away" - that's hilare! :laugh:

    Yay - thank goodness for "Troll Spray"! :happy:
    It really works!
    Let's make sure to keep it handy for any more
    yicky trolls that are lurking about.

    Yesterday was definitely disturbing. :sick:
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    Weather warning........
    you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......

    image001 15.jpg

    .......just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.

    darn pic did not work!

    a pic of the clouds flipping you off in a cloud formation!
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    :flowerforyou:
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    Daddy, how was I born?


    A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

    The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


    Scroll down...You'll love this ....



    Scroll down





    Scroll down




    Scroll down






    'You got Male!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • ChaChaMommy
    ChaChaMommy Posts: 56
    Here's a "sweet" potato joke:

    Potatoes
    >
    >
    >>Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and
    >>finally they got
    >>married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
    >>Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
    >>When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
    >>They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get
    >>accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot
    >>Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
    >>Tater Tots.
    >>
    >>Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten
    >>potato out of her!
    >>But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
    >>either.
    >>She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring
    >>cousins.
    >>
    >>When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for
    >>the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. and the Greasy guys from France
    >>called the French Fries. And when she went
    >>out west, to watch out for the
    >>Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
    >>Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
    >>with those high class Yukon Golds,
    >>or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on
    >>all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
    >>Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so
    >>that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
    >>But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced
    >>she was going to marry Tom Brokaw..
    >>Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
    >>
    >>They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw Because he's
    >>just........
    >>Are you ready for this?
    >>Are you sure?
    >>*
    >>*
    >>OK! Here it is!
    >>* *
    >>* *
    >>A COMMONTATER
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    cute! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • totallytasha
    totallytasha Posts: 134 Member
    What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship?



    The survivors were all MAROONED!

    Ba dum chh!
  • omid990
    omid990 Posts: 785 Member
    my 6-year-old niece told me this one. i think its so cute!

    How do you get pikachu on the bus?

    You Pokemon (poke 'em on)

    tee hee lame i know but still makes me smile.
  • fitgal411
    fitgal411 Posts: 668
    LOL!! "Love the Troll Away" - that's hilare! :laugh:

    Yay - thank goodness for "Troll Spray"! :happy:
    It really works!
    Let's make sure to keep it handy for any more
    yicky trolls that are lurking about.

    Yesterday was definitely disturbing. :sick:

    I am so out of the loop! What happened yesterday on here? Does it have to do with that KingofPop guy?
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
    LOL!! "Love the Troll Away" - that's hilare! :laugh:

    Yay - thank goodness for "Troll Spray"! :happy:
    It really works!
    Let's make sure to keep it handy for any more
    yicky trolls that are lurking about.

    Yesterday was definitely disturbing. :sick:

    I am so out of the loop! What happened yesterday on here? Does it have to do with that KingofPop guy?


    yeah you could say that! A banned member coming back to raise bad vibes.
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    He gave new meaning to the term TROLL! :huh:
  • magglett
    magglett Posts: 2,000
    Dang ... I couldn't get through all of these on my lunch hour ... I gotta get back to work ... dang work always getting in the way. Oh well ...

    BUMPITY BUMP BUMP
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
    He gave new meaning to the term TROLL! :huh:


    Yeah, I'd call him a *kitten* but a *kitten* actually has a function.
  • magglett
    magglett Posts: 2,000
    Back to silly jokes ...

    Two blonds were sitting on a bench in Niagara Falls, Ontario when one turned to the other and asked "Which do you think is closer ... Florida or the moon?" and the second blond replied "Well duh! You can see the moon from here"
  • shutterbug4674
    shutterbug4674 Posts: 3,690 Member
    Back to silly jokes ...

    Two blonds were sitting on a bench in Niagara Falls, Ontario when one turned to the other and asked "Which do you think is closer ... Florida or the moon?" and the second blond replied "Well duh! You can see the moon from here"


    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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