Dr. Phil - Open Marriage
Replies
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I would never want an open marriage. I'm truly blessed in my own marriage in that my spouse and I are able to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs and wants. It takes work, but it's worth it.
Having said that, if they are all in agreement it isn't my place to judge. The same Bible that discusses the wedding vows also clearly states that major Biblical figures such as Moses and Noah had mistresses and/or multiple wives, so even if you're a devout Christian, there's a lot of ambiguity there.
It is no more my business what they do in their bedroom (or bedrooms, as it were), than it is theirs what I do in mine. I don't care and I don't want to know about it.
I don't even have a problem with the porn. My spouse and I have watched a few together. I don't think one spouse go surfing for porn over the other's objections, but, again, if both partners agree, so what?
The one thing I would have to question about this whole arrangement - well, okay, the three things - are, number one, the fact that they don't want their child to know about the arrangement. I agree that a child doesn't need to know about their parents' sex lives. But the fact that they are hiding the relationship itself would seem to indicate some shame. Thing is, the kid is going to find out at some point, and then what? I mean, they just went on national TV, for Pete's sake. After lying to the child through omission for however long, how do they expect to be able to make it right? Number two - an eleven year old should not be watching porn. Period. And most especially with their parents. I've had all the discussions with my kid about sex ed. We communicate openly about sex, whether she should or not, possible repercussions, how the act itself works, etc. Not easy talks, but for the best for her. But there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever, ever watch sex with her. Of course she knows her parents had, and continue to have, sex. But we don't talk about the details. And, finally, third - no condoms? Big, big mistake.
If it is just adults involved and all agree - knock yourself out. I couldn't care less. I have no right and no inclination to judge. But when you have a kid and you're doing something you have to hide from them, you're making bad decisions.
The one thing that keeps irking me about a lot of comments is the whole "hiding it from their kids." Do you have sex with your door open? Do you tell your kids that you and daddy did it doggy style the other night? NO. OBVIOUSLY their children will find out, didn't yours find out you have sex? At that time, I'm sure they will come up with a mature way to discuss it. If not, ultimately it is none of the kids' business what / how the parents are having sex.0 -
Why bother to get married then?
I agree.0 -
wouldn't work for me I dont share well with others just saying
EXACTLY....the thought of someone else being with my wife kinda pisses me off ............0 -
We all make our way through life as best we can. If everyone is on board, I fail to see the problem.
What's right for some may not be for others, but that doesn't make it wrong.
This. AS LONG AS it's not harming any individual in the process
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I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.0 -
My husband's dad had an "open marriage" which resulted in a child from the woman he had wife swapped. For years, this kid has thought his biological dad was the man his mom was married to before she eventually married my father-in-law. The kid is now 22, he has always looked like my husband and had questions about all of that growing up. He just recently learned that, as he put it, he's the product of an "foursome." Something like this can cause severe therapy issues in the kids and I will add, some of these kids choose drugs and alcohol as their only means of therapy. Destructive. That's great if some couples want to mix it up in their marriage, but bringing children into it, not such a good idea. Sometimes consenting adults are too damn selfish and stupid to know any better.0
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I think if I see one more "why get married then" response, I may officially give up hope on the human race...
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whatever floats their boat.0
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I think if I see one more "why get married then" response, I may officially give up hope on the human race...
I don't understand those responses either.0 -
This idea that we have to be monogamous in a relationship is rather absurd and perpetuated by religions. But it really goes against human nature. Ask most men if they fantasize about women who are not their wives and most likely they will say yes.
The only moral code I truly believe in that any church advocates is "Do unto others". If a married couple decides they are okay with an open marriage, then they should do that if it makes them more happy. Is that an option in my marriage? NO. My wife would certainly not be interested in that, and while I enjoy the thought of other women, I think it would add a lot of additional stress that makes the whole thing not really appealing to me. But I certainly won't judge any other couple for anything they do that doesn't hurt or deceive one another.0 -
For heaven's sake "hiding it from the kids" does not equal shame. Have you told your children about every person you've ever had sex with? I highly doubt it. My kids once met an exboyfriend of mine, I simply said, "this is Mommy's riend, John." Was I ashamed of him and our relationship because I didn't say, "John was once Mommy's sexual partner."
Without having seen the show I think the point of "hiding it from the kids" was a choice to protect their children from judgement and ridicule of people who don't understand and make snap judgements. (going on tv obviously negates that)0 -
To each their own if it makes them happy - I guess go for it. However, for me - Heck NO!! If I had a partner who wanted an open relationship then I would say why get married unless it is for the tax benefit and/or health insurance? Just saying...0
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I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.
yeah i could care less what they do as well, along with a lot of other crap that goes on in peoples lives/bedrooms, but dont go splashing it in every public outlet...gezzzzz0 -
I would never want an open marriage. I'm truly blessed in my own marriage in that my spouse and I are able to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs and wants. It takes work, but it's worth it.
Having said that, if they are all in agreement it isn't my place to judge. The same Bible that discusses the wedding vows also clearly states that major Biblical figures such as Moses and Noah had mistresses and/or multiple wives, so even if you're a devout Christian, there's a lot of ambiguity there.
It is no more my business what they do in their bedroom (or bedrooms, as it were), than it is theirs what I do in mine. I don't care and I don't want to know about it.
I don't even have a problem with the porn. My spouse and I have watched a few together. I don't think one spouse go surfing for porn over the other's objections, but, again, if both partners agree, so what?
The one thing I would have to question about this whole arrangement - well, okay, the three things - are, number one, the fact that they don't want their child to know about the arrangement. I agree that a child doesn't need to know about their parents' sex lives. But the fact that they are hiding the relationship itself would seem to indicate some shame. Thing is, the kid is going to find out at some point, and then what? I mean, they just went on national TV, for Pete's sake. After lying to the child through omission for however long, how do they expect to be able to make it right? Number two - an eleven year old should not be watching porn. Period. And most especially with their parents. I've had all the discussions with my kid about sex ed. We communicate openly about sex, whether she should or not, possible repercussions, how the act itself works, etc. Not easy talks, but for the best for her. But there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever, ever watch sex with her. Of course she knows her parents had, and continue to have, sex. But we don't talk about the details. And, finally, third - no condoms? Big, big mistake.
If it is just adults involved and all agree - knock yourself out. I couldn't care less. I have no right and no inclination to judge. But when you have a kid and you're doing something you have to hide from them, you're making bad decisions.
The one thing that keeps irking me about a lot of comments is the whole "hiding it from their kids." Do you have sex with your door open? Do you tell your kids that you and daddy did it doggy style the other night? NO. OBVIOUSLY their children will find out, didn't yours find out you have sex? At that time, I'm sure they will come up with a mature way to discuss it. If not, ultimately it is none of the kids' business what / how the parents are having sex.
You didn't read my whole post. I specifically mentioned the fact that our child of course knows that we have sex. That isn't the issue. Nobody shares such details with their children. But hiding an entire relationship? Bit different, I think. And how a parent lives their life IS a child's "business", especially at that age. A minor child is affected by what their parents do in so many ways. If this is truly how they wish to live and they don't feel some sort of underlying shame, then they need to have that conversation with their child NOW, not after he finds out about it from his classmates.0 -
I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.
Should we spend our lives being miserable? Because I know that's what I was for YEARS in my previous relationship. Should I have stuck it out because there is "more to life"?
Your logic is flawed. If you do what makes you happy, and what makes the people you love happy (while within the laws of our communities) than thats what it's all about.
Definitely not - obviously your previous relationship wasn't right for you. I just don't see why there is any reason to marry if you don't want to commit to that one person in every way. Sex is intimate - people always say it's "just sex" but if it's so trivial and if your relationship is so wonderful and truly isn't lacking something somewhere - why go outside of it? The relationship IS lacking something - whether it's excitement, thrills, sexual satisfaction, whatever you want to call it = simply put: going outside the relationship means you want/need something from someone else outside the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't do it.
I'm in full agreement there are some who monogamy does not and will never work for... but you don't have to get married. I'm not condemning anyone, I just don't get it.0 -
I didn't watch either but to each their own.
My husband asks if he can have a second wife all the time. I say if she cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and him.... I am all for it!
Lol...when I was married, my husband and I would say the same thing. Now that I am single again, I still want a wife like that! What woman couldn't use someone in the household who cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids!0 -
I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.
yeah i could care less what they do as well, along with a lot of other crap that goes on in peoples lives/bedrooms, but dont go splashing it in every public outlet...gezzzzz
Perhaps to educate people so they aren't met with such judgement and criticism?0 -
Gross.0
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That’s not a marriage then. Marriage is about promising yourself to another person for the rest of your life. If they want o have sex with other people then don't get married, live together and do what you want with others. Marriage is about commitment and sacrifice.
Says who? Each couple has the freedom to CHOOSE how they want to live their life together. It has nothing to do with their commitment to one another or sacrifice.
It is not a lifestyle for me, but I have a family member that is in an open marriage and to be they have a fantastic relationship where there is TRUST, HONESTY, etc.............there is nothing to hide in their relationship. They are very committed to one another, and they come first to one another.0 -
I would never want an open marriage. I'm truly blessed in my own marriage in that my spouse and I are able to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs and wants. It takes work, but it's worth it.
Having said that, if they are all in agreement it isn't my place to judge. The same Bible that discusses the wedding vows also clearly states that major Biblical figures such as Moses and Noah had mistresses and/or multiple wives, so even if you're a devout Christian, there's a lot of ambiguity there.
It is no more my business what they do in their bedroom (or bedrooms, as it were), than it is theirs what I do in mine. I don't care and I don't want to know about it.
I don't even have a problem with the porn. My spouse and I have watched a few together. I don't think one spouse go surfing for porn over the other's objections, but, again, if both partners agree, so what?
The one thing I would have to question about this whole arrangement - well, okay, the three things - are, number one, the fact that they don't want their child to know about the arrangement. I agree that a child doesn't need to know about their parents' sex lives. But the fact that they are hiding the relationship itself would seem to indicate some shame. Thing is, the kid is going to find out at some point, and then what? I mean, they just went on national TV, for Pete's sake. After lying to the child through omission for however long, how do they expect to be able to make it right? Number two - an eleven year old should not be watching porn. Period. And most especially with their parents. I've had all the discussions with my kid about sex ed. We communicate openly about sex, whether she should or not, possible repercussions, how the act itself works, etc. Not easy talks, but for the best for her. But there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever, ever watch sex with her. Of course she knows her parents had, and continue to have, sex. But we don't talk about the details. And, finally, third - no condoms? Big, big mistake.
If it is just adults involved and all agree - knock yourself out. I couldn't care less. I have no right and no inclination to judge. But when you have a kid and you're doing something you have to hide from them, you're making bad decisions.
The one thing that keeps irking me about a lot of comments is the whole "hiding it from their kids." Do you have sex with your door open? Do you tell your kids that you and daddy did it doggy style the other night? NO. OBVIOUSLY their children will find out, didn't yours find out you have sex? At that time, I'm sure they will come up with a mature way to discuss it. If not, ultimately it is none of the kids' business what / how the parents are having sex.
You didn't read my whole post. I specifically mentioned the fact that our child of course knows that we have sex. That isn't the issue. Nobody shares such details with their children. But hiding an entire relationship? Bit different, I think. And how a parent lives their life IS a child's "business", especially at that age. A minor child is affected by what their parents do in so many ways. If this is truly how they wish to live and they don't feel some sort of underlying shame, then they need to have that conversation with their child NOW, not after he finds out about it from his classmates.
I literally just lawled at your response. No, I don't think it's a bit different at all. It is their sex life - not a relationship. Please learn the difference prior to throwing those accusations. And again, NO. It is not their children's' business how / what they chose to do to get off. Also, and this was the funniest part, if they are hiding it from their children (which they obviously aren't any more) how in God's name are their classmates going to find out?0 -
I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.
The only reason shows like his exist is because people are consumed with other people's business.
If we had a "live and let live" society, reality & talk shows wouldn't exist. No one would care who the baby's daddy is, or who is sleeping with who.
And on a side note, Go Steelers and was in your area last night. 0 -
I have mixed feelings on this... however, I think if it works for the people involved then it's perfectly fine.
The reason so many people look down on the whole open marriage concept is because SOCIETY has beat it into their heads their entire lives (yup... all of us... whatever SOCIETY says goes... and traditions, etc.)
I myself know that I'm far too jealous of a person for such a relationship to work for me. That may ALSO be something I've actually LEARNED from years of being brainwashed by SOCIETY.
Who are we to judge what anyone does behind closed doors provided there isn't child abuse, physical abuse, etc. involved??? To each their own.
I also agree with the person that said humans are not predisposed to monogamy. We are essentially animals... which from a male standpoint means that our very instinct is to "plant our seed" in as many places as possible. Not everything is as black and white as some here are suggesting.0 -
I think if I see one more "why get married then" response, I may officially give up hope on the human race...
I don't understand those responses either.
I think that come from the fact that, for a lot of people, marriage insinuates 2 people. During my enlistment I went to several marriages all over the country and even 1 in Japan. All of them had a variation of "forsaking all others" in the vows. San Diego, Memphis, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Orlando and Aboline Tx to name a few. I lived in all these places (except Texas) during my enlistment as well. That's a fairly wide swath of america, so I've met all kinds. The only couples I knew who had multiple partners chose not to get married due to the generally accepted promise to "Foresake all others". I hadn't heard the term "Open marriage" until last year. There are probably a lot of people like me who didn't realize that this philosophy was wide spread.0 -
I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.
yeah i could care less what they do as well, along with a lot of other crap that goes on in peoples lives/bedrooms, but dont go splashing it in every public outlet...gezzzzz
Perhaps to educate people so they aren't met with such judgement and criticism?
^^^ THIS ^^^0 -
I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.
Should we spend our lives being miserable? Because I know that's what I was for YEARS in my previous relationship. Should I have stuck it out because there is "more to life"?
Your logic is flawed. If you do what makes you happy, and what makes the people you love happy (while within the laws of our communities) than thats what it's all about.
Definitely not - obviously your previous relationship wasn't right for you. I just don't see why there is any reason to marry if you don't want to commit to that one person in every way. Sex is intimate - people always say it's "just sex" but if it's so trivial and if your relationship is so wonderful and truly isn't lacking something somewhere - why go outside of it? The relationship IS lacking something - whether it's excitement, thrills, sexual satisfaction, whatever you want to call it = simply put: going outside the relationship means you want/need something from someone else outside the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't do it.
I'm in full agreement there are some who monogamy does not and will never work for... but you don't have to get married. I'm not condemning anyone, I just don't get it.
Its called boredom. Some people find sex with one person boring and un-fulfilling. You may not understand that, but its reality for many people. There is more to marriage than just the sexual intimacy as well, which is why its perfectly fine to get married AND have sexual relations outside of marriage. Its not for everyone, but it can benefit some couples where everyone is happy. Why refrain from doing something that is win-win for everyone? Makes no sense.0 -
And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states. 0
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I think it's a million times more healthy to be in an open marriage where both parties were happy & filling thier sexual needs, as opposed to a loveless, sexless marriage that many people seem to accept as normal these days.0
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And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states.
I have been wondering when a gay marriage comment was going to arise.0 -
We ALL agree that watching porn with an 11yo and sharing intimate details of your sexual life with a child it wrong, and abusive. If Dr. Phil didn't call those parents in to CPS, he is more of a git than I thought. Do not try to pass that off as normal behaviour in an open/poly relationship, because it isn't. Those people must have been real whack-a-doodles if that was going on.
Some of us can't imagine the idea of an open relationship. Some of us think it's ok for others but not our cup of tea. And some of live it and are still normal, respectable people. Nobody is asking anybody to change their lifestyle! Just open your mind enough to admit that MAYBE what happens in (or out) of other people's marriages is none of your business.0 -
And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states.
I am perfectly fine with gay marriage. I would support polygamy except for the tax benefit and health care complications would get out of hand. I would be okay with all marriage being abolished and only being represented through the churches. Wouldn't bother me one bit. I definitely don't like the bigoted approach though where straights and gays are treated differently.
Oh and I just realized you're talking about the people who aren't okay with open marriages.0
This discussion has been closed.
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