ladies is he being a jerk or gentleman???

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Replies

  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    He's still in love with the ex. Get rid of him.

    You know it IS possible to care what someone thinks without being in love with them, or even liking them for that matter...

    If you care what she thinks, why would you deliberately use your current girlfriend in a way that makes your ex feel bad about herself? I realize that some do not follow my logic, but if a woman is dating a man of integrity, why would he deliberately encourage the "crazy," less-than feelings in a woman and then turn around use it as a weapon against her, calling her psycho? If he does that to an ex, he will do it to his current significant other.

    There is nothing noble about attempting to pit two women against each other to make himself feel better about his past. A good man would consider it an opportunity for three people to be in a situation that's actually healthy, and treat each other like grownups.

    As far as looking good for an event, I walk out of the door looking like a million bucks if I'm going to the grocery store to buy cold cuts. Nobody has to ask me to do so. I enjoy it.

    I think you're taking it to extremes - he isn't necessarily trying to make his ex feel bad. But given the option of turning up with his gf looking good or great, he is asking her to make the extra effort to look great.

    He isn't using her as bait, or as a competition, or some other random thing you can think of...he just wants to make the best impression at a time when his ex is there.
  • DGK12
    DGK12 Posts: 117
    I'd not wash my hair for a week, forget the deodorant, and throw on my most crappy pair of sweats I can find. But that's me, and I have a bit of a stubborn streak.

    Really, all the guy had to say was, "By the way, it's pretty dressy" and most girls would get it. We girls WANT to look pretty when we go somewhere with our guy, so it's stupid he even expanded on the idea. What a dork.
  • BullDozier
    BullDozier Posts: 237 Member
    You all did READ the original post where it says "...or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend".

    I bet if the guy didn't say anything and you didn't dress up, saw his ex looking less-than-your-best, you would all be pissed at the guy for not telling you to dress up. Wow, whole lot of crazy in this thread.

    Once again...I think we appreciate the heads up but there is just a way less offensive way of phrasing it. This is 2012...not the 1950's. 'make sure you look your best' sounds very caveman like. A real gentleman would have found a way to communicate the circumstances around the event with out sounding like a complete meathead.

    Unfortunately some of the women in this thread have no chance of finding a real gentleman because they instantly resort to insane behavior- i.e. violence, dumping him because he didn't phrase something in the best manner, etc.
    Good point. Guys generally try to do the right thing, but the delivery isn't always the best (and for the record, women occasionally make the same mistake). I generally try to look at the intended message when the delivery isn't optimal to get to the point trying to be made.

    One of my favorite sayings applies here: life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond. If you want to be knee-jerk over sensitive about everything your SO says that is insensitive, even when it is possible the best intentions were attempted, you have all the right to do so, but is that the person you want to be?
  • IndyInk
    IndyInk Posts: 212
    He's still in love with the ex. Get rid of him.

    You know it IS possible to care what someone thinks without being in love with them, or even liking them for that matter...

    If you care what she thinks, why would you deliberately use your current girlfriend in a way that makes your ex feel bad about herself? I realize that some do not follow my logic, but if a woman is dating a man of integrity, why would he deliberately encourage the "crazy," less-than feelings in a woman and then turn around use it as a weapon against her, calling her psycho? If he does that to an ex, he will do it to his current significant other.

    There is nothing noble about attempting to pit two women against each other to make himself feel better about his past. A good man would consider it an opportunity for three people to be in a situation that's actually healthy, and treat each other like grownups.

    As far as looking good for an event, I walk out of the door looking like a million bucks if I'm going to the grocery store to buy cold cuts. Nobody has to ask me to do so. I enjoy it.

    I think you're taking it to extremes - he isn't necessarily trying to make his ex feel bad. But given the option of turning up with his gf looking good or great, he is asking her to make the extra effort to look great.

    He isn't using her as bait, or as a competition, or some other random thing you can think of...he just wants to make the best impression at a time when his ex is there.

    You so need to go on a date with a man sometime. :-) After a while, you stop listening to the words and start noticing the actions. It says everything one needs to know.
  • budhandy
    budhandy Posts: 305 Member
    He could have given you the heads up without telling you to " look your best"! It just sounds really bad. Yes, this would put my husband in the doghouse.
    I agree, a little common sense goes a long way. If i said this to my wife I will be in the dog house and trying to find my nuts lol
  • Elizabeth_M
    Elizabeth_M Posts: 562 Member
    I think it's pretty insulting. There is no mistaking that for being a gentleman, in my mind.
  • va_va_voom
    va_va_voom Posts: 467 Member
    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

    I have to ask (or maybe it's been asked already? IDK - blind-ish post)...did you say this to your SO????

    Anyway. The only part that I would cry foul over is the "I really need you looking your best" part. That would suggest to me that my SO didn't typically think that I made sure I was looking my best when we went somewhere special together. And, it would also be problematic b/c I would wonder why he cared about what I looked like in front of his ex. It would cause me some concern that there were some unresolved feelings there.

    Of course, my only point of reference for this are two different guys who tried to use me as a rub in their ex-wife's face. Both of them had unresolved feelings.

    If it's not an event I would normally get dressed up and made up to attend, I would probably still go however I would normally go. If it's good enough for when my honey's ex isn't there, it's good enough for when she IS there, too. JMHO

    All of that said...I don't think it's wrong for a person to want their SO to make an effort to look nice when going out together - whatever the event and whoever will be in attendance. As long as he/she thinks they're just as incredible and sexy when they're sitting around in their PJs with mess hair. ;)
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

    I know you said for the ladies.....and I am not.....but I gotta say.....

    jerk move.....completely. If I was a lady and someone said that to me.....Id tell them to go f themselves. Maybe they don't want to get dressed up. They shouldn't have to try and impress the ex girlfriend. (which is what this is)
  • FORKDOWN
    FORKDOWN Posts: 1,754
    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    Your a wise man my freind.

    :laugh:
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    If I was told this it would make me feel like my SO didnt think I normally bring it like his ex does so he gave me a 'heads up' so that I can do something to 'compete' with her..
    I would be very hurt and angry..
    Yes even if I didnt feel like it was worthy in the past of me dressing up..
    Why would you care what your ex thought of your current SO?
  • jenniebean1680
    jenniebean1680 Posts: 350 Member
    JERK, omg. And some other choice words.
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    He's still in love with the ex. Get rid of him.

    You know it IS possible to care what someone thinks without being in love with them, or even liking them for that matter...

    If you care what she thinks, why would you deliberately use your current girlfriend in a way that makes your ex feel bad about herself? I realize that some do not follow my logic, but if a woman is dating a man of integrity, why would he deliberately encourage the "crazy," less-than feelings in a woman and then turn around use it as a weapon against her, calling her psycho? If he does that to an ex, he will do it to his current significant other.

    There is nothing noble about attempting to pit two women against each other to make himself feel better about his past. A good man would consider it an opportunity for three people to be in a situation that's actually healthy, and treat each other like grownups.

    As far as looking good for an event, I walk out of the door looking like a million bucks if I'm going to the grocery store to buy cold cuts. Nobody has to ask me to do so. I enjoy it.

    I think you're taking it to extremes - he isn't necessarily trying to make his ex feel bad. But given the option of turning up with his gf looking good or great, he is asking her to make the extra effort to look great.

    He isn't using her as bait, or as a competition, or some other random thing you can think of...he just wants to make the best impression at a time when his ex is there.

    You so need to go on a date with a man sometime. :-) After a while, you stop listening to the words and start noticing the actions. It says everything one needs to know.

    Haha if I get desperate sometime maybe... ;)

    women are far more complicated than men, but you think we must be that complicated too and start adding meanings to what we said- on the flip side we're pretty simple and we expect that if we say something you will take it in the way it was meant...
  • rammsteinsoldier
    rammsteinsoldier Posts: 1,552 Member
    I don't know really. I actually would appreciate the heads up that she would be there and I would want to look my best. I don't think he meant anything evil just didn't phrase it the best. I would go all out and know I was putting her to shame.
  • monipie
    monipie Posts: 280 Member
    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????


    maybe you could word it this way, "make sure you wear something super hot and a little slutty so she can be super jealous of how hot you are." bahahahaa! i would give my husband a high five if he said that to me!
  • IndyInk
    IndyInk Posts: 212
    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????

    I know you said for the ladies.....and I am not.....but I gotta say.....

    jerk move.....completely. If I was a lady and someone said that to me.....Id tell them to go f themselves. Maybe they don't want to get dressed up. They shouldn't have to try and impress the ex girlfriend. (which is what this is)

    Agreed. I personally would not say this to a man I cared about. If he's with me, I want him to know that he knows that he knows I respect him. "I think you're as good as him but not really" isn't respectful. I'm there with him, not the ex. If we're crazy about each other, he could show up in a greasy garage jumper and I'd be thrilled to see him. :)
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Honey we're going to a event, my X is going to be there so I NEED YOU TO LOOK YOUR BEST. so here's the clothes i picked out for you, here's your appointment i set up for you with a hair stylist, please work out your hardest beforehand so you don't look wimpy in front of my X and oh yea....please deposit your b@lls in my purse....because clearly I own you and think you are not capable of looking hot enough when you are out with me for a special event.
  • va_va_voom
    va_va_voom Posts: 467 Member
    I think all this - don't mention the ex/word it like this/buy her a hair appointment so she'll look good - that is just lying...

    You should be able to speak to each other and give your reasons and not feel the need to manipulate the other into doing what you want. You should be able to ask them, and they do it because they want to make you happy....

    Honesty is definitely the best policy. But, it also opens the door to hurting a person you care about. If he told his SO that his ex was going to be there and she took initiative to dress up/make up more than usual, that's awesome. But, having him tell her that he "really needs her to do it" opens the door to hurt feelings and aggravating insecurities for a lot of people (yes, women especially).

    Men don't deal with as much body image comparison that women do, so it might be harder for a guy to understand why a woman would be bothered by the wording of the OP or the possible motivation behind the request.
  • BurkeshireFarms
    BurkeshireFarms Posts: 45 Member
    LOL.

    If OP was asking this question for himself, he would have been better off asking said GF.

    At least then he would only have been called a jerk once.
  • sel254
    sel254 Posts: 273 Member
    I personally would appreciate the heads up coz I myself wouldn't want to turn up and be outshined by her. But that's just me because I'm not really bothered by my other halfs ex's...they're his ex's for a reason and there's a reason I'm with him now :) Ask yourself this - if you turned up not looking your best and then found out your boyfriend knew his ex was going to be there and hadn't warned you, would you be mad at him for the forewarning? He may be just a jerk but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and try to look at it from a positive angle.
  • charm_quark
    charm_quark Posts: 315 Member
    I don't know... but surely a man (or a woman) should keep some things for him/her self!

    Ok... it's a jerky attitude to ask you to be at your best because the "Ex" is gonna be there, but.....

    let's face the truth. Doesn't ANYONE have made this though NEVER??? I mean... it doesn't always mean that is in love with the ex. I can assure you that I love my partner... but I would also feel so good if my ex (one that was a jerk) sees me with him and discovers that I'm happier than I've ever been with him
  • mixedfeelings
    mixedfeelings Posts: 904 Member
    and to turn it around to the guys. I know that if I would have said to my previous boyfriend, "We're going out to an event my ex will be there and he always looks good so make sure you dress your best" He would have told me where to go and refused to go with me, and he would have been out with his mates instead.

    The bottom line is, Yes warn about the ex but don't tell the current girlfriend she needs to dress up because the ex is, this is the jerk part, demanding how she dresses. Us women are quite well adapted at dressing appropriately for an event.
  • sandrinamsilva
    sandrinamsilva Posts: 651 Member
    cut the man some slack, most men are not the best communicators and we read waaaay too much into their simple attempts. appreciate the heads up, shine up your *kitten*, and make it all about YOU!:bigsmile:

    My man is the worst at wording things. It comes out very blunt and sometimes (if I am emotional) I take it completely left field and get butt hurt. But I know he isn't intentionally trying to hurt my feelings. (now at least)
  • rinachandayo0204
    rinachandayo0204 Posts: 6
    Telling someone that they need to dress extra nice, because that's the type of function it is, is a great idea.
    But saying it's because the ex-gf will be there is bull. I will go with, Definite Jerk.
  • TinkrBelz
    TinkrBelz Posts: 866 Member
    Your significant other( someone who you have been dating exclusively for a year) ask you to attend a popular event In your area and he says to you " I really need you looking your best my ex girlfriend always attends this event and I know she is going to be there and I know she is going to be dressed up" would you feel like he is being a jerk or would you feel that is a good heads up cause its not something you would normally get particularly dressed up and made up to attend?????


    maybe you could word it this way, "make sure you wear something super hot and a little slutty so she can be super jealous of how hot you are." bahahahaa! i would give my husband a high five if he said that to me!

    And Monipie, that is why we are friends (OK, and two other big reasons!! haha) But you and I think the exact same. The next question would be, should I wear panties or go without??
  • va_va_voom
    va_va_voom Posts: 467 Member
    LOL.

    If OP was asking this question for himself, he would have been better off asking said GF.

    At least then he would only have been called a jerk once.

    True that!
  • tiffastar
    tiffastar Posts: 46 Member
    My answer - while I appreciate you giving me a heads up why the hell do you care what your ex-girlfriend thinks??? But fine, I'll put on lipstick, sheesh.
  • madyncaden
    madyncaden Posts: 290 Member
    Obviously a man is never right, and it would be better for everyone if we'd just shut up and go fishing.

    you should be their leader since you have so much wisdom!!!
  • Lyra89
    Lyra89 Posts: 674 Member
    JERK. :noway: And using you to move on from his ex.
  • madyncaden
    madyncaden Posts: 290 Member
    straight up JERK.......nuff said!
  • IndyInk
    IndyInk Posts: 212
    He's still in love with the ex. Get rid of him.

    You know it IS possible to care what someone thinks without being in love with them, or even liking them for that matter...

    If you care what she thinks, why would you deliberately use your current girlfriend in a way that makes your ex feel bad about herself? I realize that some do not follow my logic, but if a woman is dating a man of integrity, why would he deliberately encourage the "crazy," less-than feelings in a woman and then turn around use it as a weapon against her, calling her psycho? If he does that to an ex, he will do it to his current significant other.

    There is nothing noble about attempting to pit two women against each other to make himself feel better about his past. A good man would consider it an opportunity for three people to be in a situation that's actually healthy, and treat each other like grownups.

    As far as looking good for an event, I walk out of the door looking like a million bucks if I'm going to the grocery store to buy cold cuts. Nobody has to ask me to do so. I enjoy it.

    I think you're taking it to extremes - he isn't necessarily trying to make his ex feel bad. But given the option of turning up with his gf looking good or great, he is asking her to make the extra effort to look great.

    He isn't using her as bait, or as a competition, or some other random thing you can think of...he just wants to make the best impression at a time when his ex is there.

    You so need to go on a date with a man sometime. :-) After a while, you stop listening to the words and start noticing the actions. It says everything one needs to know.

    Haha if I get desperate sometime maybe... ;)

    women are far more complicated than men, but you think we must be that complicated too and start adding meanings to what we said- on the flip side we're pretty simple and we expect that if we say something you will take it in the way it was meant...

    That is a lovely idea.... really, no sarcasm. Unfortunately if you want to communicate with a dude, you kind of have to speak dude. If a dude wants to communicate with a chick, he kind of has to speak chick. We speak two different languages, which is why when the guy asked for females' opinions, some females called him a jerk, and when they stated the opinions for which he asked, some males called them psycho. Same thing.

    Women are more complicated than men in some areas, men more complicated than us in others. For example, I hope that any man who pits two women against each other for his attention isn't the kind of guy who complains that he hates drama... because he obviously gets off on it.

    I never said the OP was a jerk, by the way, and I never said it was a bad or stupid question. I said if he still needs to impress the ex and that need involves inconveniencing his current GF, she still owns part of his @$$ and his current girlfriend better watch out for that.
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