VERY personal ~ TMI

There are a lot of sub-topics floating around in this thread. They all share a common theme, but they are each separate in their own way.

For the person who is getting together on-line with ex-girlfriends, there are precious few women who are going to be tolerant or understanding of that. I have a couple ex-girlfriends as Facebook friends, but I don't ever chat or private message with them, and my wife is a friend (as she should be) and can see all the same stuff I can. I have nothing to hide. I have a very simple rule I always follow. If I am about to do something I wouldn't want to do in full sight of my wife, I don't do it.

The recreational viewing of adult video (porn, whatever) is, for most anyway, a recreational choice. Those who find it offensive are usually hard-pressed to explain why. They will make up statements about women being degraded, which is rarely the case, or that it is morally reprehensible, which is a judgement based on values that not everyone shares.

Most of those excuses are just that; excuses. The real issue, most of the time, is the offended partner, which is nearly always a woman, is personally insecure and feels threatened by the material. Men are grossly outnumbered here, so I am probably about to get inundated with hate mail, but the reality is that these are your personal issues. You are with a man that likes to view beautiful women. Guess what? That is why he looked at you in the first place.

I am no spring chicken. I have had my share of years trying to change things about my partner and having my partner trying to change me. Luckily that is all behind me and my wife loves and accepts me for who I am, just as I do her. You cannot change your man's natural character any more than you can change your own. You can play the 'if you loved me you would...' card all you want, but he is not going to change. Love him, accept him, or leave him. It is that simple. You can find a man that doesn't have raging testosterone. The irony is that if you find him you won't want a thing to do with him.

Excellent post. Excellent and true.

I agree, and also with songbyrdsweet!

Instead of calling men pigs and degrading them, the real topic is how YOU feel about this. If he is looking at porn (even local women) and it makes you uncomfortable that points to your own self-esteem issues and lack of trust in the relationship as it does not necessarily mean he has a problem. If there is a chance that he could cheat with a local woman and you don't trust him, there is no need to continue the relationship. No trust=constant judgement and stress.
So focus on why you are insecure, not why he is wrong. Whenever we feel uncomfortable it is always easier to find fault in the other person rather than deal with our own issues. Be strong and by that I mean, talk to him as openly as you have on here, let him know your expectations and insecurities. He may want you to participate, he may be ready to move on or he may just be a total d-bag. It doesn't matter, what matters is that YOU take charge of your end of the relationship and do your part.
If you don't approve of his actions and the two of you can't find common ground.... then there is no further discussion, you can't change him, he can't change you. Therefore there is no need to continue the relationship. End of story. (Walk away if that is what is necessary, with you head held high and forgiveness in your heart.) ((Forgiveness is for you, not him.))

I'm not at all trying to sound harsh and I am sorry if I do. I've had some relationships that resulted in cheating. The fact of the matter was that he had the problem, not me. I could have blamed him and held on to the dead relationship with anger, but there is no point in letting him have power over me. Sometimes its just time to move on and the first person who realizes it doesn't always handle it in the best way. (Women are just as A-hole-ish as men, we ust don't notice because we are supporting our sisters unconciously.)There are decent men out there, alot of them actually. Unfortunatley for me the ones around here are either married or gay:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

What if you had just gotten over YOUR dislike for it and let him have HIS sexual freedom in his privacy? Then he wouldn't have to be secretive about something that shouldn't be a problem anyway, and you wouldn't have felt betrayed? It's not like you have to look at it just because he does. Just a thought.

Did you miss the part where he's "talking" to his ex online and the fact that this isn't just porn, but local women?

So, I found out last night my BF has been viewing naked pics online. This destroys my self esteem & makes me feel like I am not good enough.

I know this is TMI ~ but I need help.

Anyone else struggled with this?

This was the first post, which said nothing about interacting with ex-girlfriends online. That information wasn't disclosed until later, and that is how the discussion went down the path that it did.

Although I already said it, some responders are still saying the same things. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, and your choice to live a life where you are constantly confronting your husband about issues that bother you, but only the people who have a good relationship will understand when I say how much nicer it is to not live that way. Your spouse should be someone who shares your ideals and values, not someone you have to guilt into submission. The jokes and stereotypes about women 'breaking in' their man are really just jokes.

Another eye opener for many is this illusion that your spouse is somehow responsible for your happiness. That simply isn't true. There is only one person responsible for your happiness, and that is you.