Survey time: Should a guy pay on a first date?

I don't know about "should"; whatever works for other people is their business, but personally I won't and never have let a guy pay. The way I see it, I expect a man to treat me as an equal, so I need to behave like one by paying my own share - otherwise I'd feel like I was taking advantage by trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That's just my personal take, though, like I said, I don't think it's "wrong" or anything if other people prefer to do it differently.

Ahh, this is where it's going to get interesting, and please don't take this as an attack against you, because it isn't. Your post is simply what brought it to mind.

I was called out directly more than once, citing my behavior in wanting to pay for dates as 'controlling' and based on my 'insecurity' as a man.

Here's the thing...isn't the behavior where you absolutely HAVE to DEMAND equal treatment in EVERY situation...just so it's clear you're an equal...a mask of insecurity as well? Doesn't giving actually prove that you are an equal with far more effect than stomping your foot and demanding to be treated as one? I mean, if I know I'm equal...it hurts me not at all to give...even to give often and deeply. That giving takes NOTHING from who I am, nor our respective equality.

If you know you're an equal...and you ARE an equal...what's the big deal about giving, and in the process, receiving?

I think you may misunderstand me; I don't by any means think that the vast, vast majority of men who offer to pay for a first date are doing so because they're plotting ways to be controlling or they're insecure and compensating for something! In my experience, most are either simply trying to be nice without any ulterior motive, or are doing it because they've been raised with the man paying as the social norm and as a result they feel uncomfortable, as if they are mistreating their date, if they don't pay, which still comes from a place of decency and respect, not anything sordid. I have to say - and I don't mean to offend, so hopefully you won't take it that way - but the people who called you out with those accusations sound paranoid and just plain *****y - it's pretty nuts to me to immediately jump to the conclusion that those must be a guy's motivations in that situation, yikes!

That said, I don't see how a calm, friendly, "Hey, I'd prefer to spilt the bill, cool?" qualifies as stomping one's foot or being unreasonably demanding. Perhaps some women are motivated by insecurity, but I think that's as unfair an assumption to gneralise as jumping to the conclusion that a man who wants to pay is motivated by a desire to control or a need to prove some kind of point. For me personally (as I said, no judgement of how others choose to deal with this), I simply don't feel comfortable having someone else pay my way (and FTR, it's not an issue of gender for me - I have never let any of the women I've dated pay on a first date, either, for the same reason). Now, if I'm dating someone on an ongoing basis, that's a different story - I don't mind if he/she treats sometimes, because then I can reciprocate and treat sometimes as well, and it more or less balances out.

chrisanderson
you said:
If you know you're an equal...and you ARE an equal...what's the big deal about giving, and in the process, receiving?

Why wouldn't that work both ways i.e. the woman treating a man to a dinner out?

Why would, or should women offer if they're not intending to pay? Sounds like game playing to me.

I agree...that's exactly what it is!!!!

Yes! The women should offer to pay and the man should refuse to let her. :happy: That's how it works people.

Why is this thread still going?

In my world, yeah, the guy pays for the pleasure of my company. I'm not offering anything, no game playing or pretending to pay.

That's how 95% of prostitute ads on craigslist go.

Must be some company.

Why is this thread still going?

In my world, yeah, the guy pays for the pleasure of my company. I'm not offering anything, no game playing or pretending to pay.

That's how 95% of prostitute ads on craigslist go.

Must be some company.

So I see you regularly surf the craigslist prostitution ads huh :huh:

She didn't say the pleasure of her company involved having sex with her

I do not believe in gender roles. I do not feel like a man and I do not feel like a woman. I feel like myself and I do not feel that my gender obligates me to behave in a certain way. Doing certain activities does not make me feel any more like a "man" whatever that means. I feel like me. Just me. Not man, not woman, not american, not pennsylvanian, just me.

Logically speaking I feel that the person who proposed the location/venue should be the one to pay because subconsciously they chose it with their own budget in mind. However that's for normal people...

My idea of a "date" usually is some form of all day event where I could not possibly afford to pay for the other person entirely, such as a day at an amusement park. I could cover their admission and a few refreshments here and there but that's about it... They should be willing to fork over for some things here and there.

Ok...just one question. What if You've invited the other person out and know they don't have any form of income therefore no cash to contribute towards a number of "dates" ...until they've got a job obviously. What would the the person inviting, think?

Just having a discussion with a friend on this topic. A persons circumstances can have an influence I think. Or would people just write the date and potential relationship off as a no-goer?

I've already given my thoughts on this one - we just want to put it out there. :-)

Ok...just one question. What if You've invited the other person out and know they don't have any form of income therefore no cash to contribute towards a number of "dates" ...until they've got a job obviously. What would the the person inviting, think?

Just having a discussion with a friend on this topic. A persons circumstances can have an influence I think. Or would people just write the date and potential relationship off as a no-goer?

I've already given my thoughts on this one - we just want to put it out there. :-)

For me? I wouldn't care if she had no income at all. Her income, whether greater, or lesser than my own...has no impact on whether she is datable or not. Unless it impacts her personality of course.

Clarification on "impacting her personality". Obviously if they turned out to be an absolute free for all then yeah we get that in the sense it's just taking the Michael. No one likes that.

Maybe Im an ****** for this (and other things lol). I always offer to pay. If the guy takes me up on it there is NO second date. If he pays for the first couple of dates I will insist on taking him out to someplace pricey enough to make him think ' wow she likes me'..but not too pricey that he thinks I am rubbing my income in his face.

I like my first dates to be free anyway... there's plenty of excellent stuff to do that doesn't cost a penny and actually gives you a chance to get to know the person.

The way I see it is like this: I was raised with my step dad holding doors, walking on the "car side" of a sidewalk, paying for meals (out of their joint account), and doing all the "manly things" for my mother.

So, I expect that. If the person I'm with isn't that way, then we're not meant for each other. My fiancé lives up to most of those things, except for the manly stuff - but he makes up for that in other ways.

Call me old fashioned or whatever, but I like me an "old fashion gentlemen."