Who initiates in your house??

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Replies

  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Well typically I have to initiate. I look down at my hand and go "hey baby". It looks up at me and goes "dammit not again..." and then we go to the internet and get some pr0n and we go for it.

    We're having some problems lately though, it always seems to have a headache or be too tired. Is this normal?
  • CanDew512
    CanDew512 Posts: 7
    I almost alway initiate. He is always ready and rarin to go, so it's just up to me to say yes. I have an issue with doing it when our daughter isn't asleep yet, I'm afraid she will knock on the door in the middle of it. And once we start, I do NOT want any interruptions.
  • ultim8one
    ultim8one Posts: 80 Member
    Ok--I have been married for 16 years and my husband threatened to leave me the other day because he is tired of always being the one to intiate sex. I rarely say no when he intiates--but I only am the aggressor maybe once ever couple of months.He said that he doesn't feel wanted.

    I'm really trying to work on it but I can go quite awhile before I even think about it. I love my husband very much but we have alot of stress and it tends the be less on my priority list then his. But like I said--I don't hardly ever tell him no and we are together probably 4 or 5 times a week. What is the norm in your relationship?

    First of all I'd have to agree that there are some under lying issues other than who initiates sex more then the other. However, this is a common issue for couples that have been together for long periods of time. Every couples "norm" is going to be different depending on the time of year, time of month, current stress level, current sleep patterns, diet, etc. The question should be .. what is the "norm" in YOUR house ? If what you describe is the what is normal then your hubby is having other issues with your relationship. If your infrequent initiations are a new wrinkle in the equation then this is something you and he should sit and discuss. As a mature man he should understand that everyone changes over time and couples need to learn to change together .. or at least continue heading in the same direction. HTH
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
    I tried to type this with as much tact as possible but I realized there was no 'nice' or 'sensitive' way of putting it.
    Your husband sounds overly sensitive. I don't know many men who care who initiates sex, so long as sex happens. Don't get me wrong, it is always nice to not have to initiate, and I can see how he would get annoyed that it usually is him, but to threaten to LEAVE you? Sounds really dramatic. Either there is something else going on and he may not know how to express it, or your husband is a drama queen. It is not as if he is coming onto you and you are repulsed by him.. you gladly (I assume) give in. Unless you are leaving some tidbit of information out all I have to go on is what you typed, and it seems weird to me. If it really is just the fact he wants you to initiate more... maybe you should initiate more. Who knows, it could be fun :wink:
  • deftanker
    deftanker Posts: 105 Member
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

    HAHA Yeah there is always that concern
  • bestbassist
    bestbassist Posts: 177 Member
    I totally get where he is coming from. And I wouldn't want to tolerate it for long either. Not saying no doesn't really do much for a guy if that simply means you're lieing there like a dead fish until he finishes. I don't know if that is the case in your relationship, but regardless, if you love him, desire him and want him to stay then look into trying things that help boost your sex drive so you're not "acting" when you do initiate - because that can be even more worse. Certain herbs like yohimbe work for some folks, porn works for others...it just depends.
  • melbot24
    melbot24 Posts: 347 Member
    I used to initiate most of the time but I got tired of being rejected.
    Now I let him initiate.
    I don't get it as much as I would like (even though he says he thinks we have way more sex than the average couple).
    If it were up to me I'd want to do it every night! :P

    The rejection does hurt, it feels horrible to get turned down.
    So it's not the fact that I'm the one having to ask...it's the rejection.

    For you two, however...
    Maybe the problem is not so much him being the initiator but perhaps there's a lack of enthusiasm on your part?
    Maybe he feels like you just don't enjoy it anymore?
    I can see how that might be hurtful for him.

    What if you tried initiating?
    Try it and see how it makes you feel... I would be willing to bet that it will make you feel sexy and powerful.
    Catch him by surprise and I think it will do wonders for both of you.
  • tinksmommy2006
    tinksmommy2006 Posts: 575
    I have been with my hubby for 10 1/2 years now...3 kids, a house full of animals..on only his income for the past 6, yeah I get the stress thing. This is what I say to you because when you say you can go a while with out even thinking of it ...I get that because i can literally go a couple months with out being bothered. With that said....I don't care who says what men NEED sex more then women. I am not saying that is they don't get it they should go cheat or leave to get some...what I am saying is that everyone has needs in life...if he is meeting yours well then you need to meet his, and if his is for you to initiate more then well hell girl get to it. My husband knows that not EVERY time we do it I am in the mood...sometimes I have to take on for the team, but his needs are met and he is happy and that keeps me happy in return. and just because you never say no means nothing...how would you feel if he stopped asking for sex? eventually you would ask yourself what you did wrong, or ask him if he lost love or attraction for you. That is probably how he is feeling...so like twice a month take one for the team and as soon as you can jump him...make him feel like the man that rocks your world...he will be happy and hopefully if your relationship is healthy other wise this will make him do something in return to make you happy :wink:
  • shamr0ck
    shamr0ck Posts: 296 Member
    We both do. After 18 years, we're still as hot for each other as we were when we met in college. :D
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    Plus, 4-5 times a week is not bad. I'd say that is better than average.
  • AlayshaJ
    AlayshaJ Posts: 703 Member
    Both, I do a little more than him but thats fine. He used to not initiate very often until I told him he needed too, after that it wasn't a problem.

    Most of the time it just happens and there is no initiation or its mutual initiation.

    We have been together for almost 5 years.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    For us, somewhere close to even, but wifey has an insatiable sex drive. Your relationship will be different.

    But even if she rarely initiated, I would not have a problem. Women often have reactive desire, and want to be pursued. So long as you don't turn each other down it's all good.
  • jpuderbaugh
    jpuderbaugh Posts: 318 Member
    I'm a newlywed, and I very rarely initiate. Once we get health insurance, I will discuss my low libido with a doctor, but until then, he initiates almost 100% of the time. Since sex isn't important to me, he just lets me know when he wants it, and I take care of him. :wink: It's an odd situation, but we're both satisfied, and that's all that matters.

    omg, you sound like me. my low libido the doc thinks comes from dealing with my mom (cancer patient) and not feeling good about myself. I don't feel sexy and some days don't know what he sees in me. Mine is coming back slowly since my parents moved out though.
  • Amcolecchi
    Amcolecchi Posts: 260 Member
    I agree! I wish my husband would initiate it more!! Or when he does start it..it's like he just grabs my boobs and expects me to be ready!!...really? lol
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    Even though you rarely say no, it may feel to him like he's the only one that really wants it. That can feel a little one sided and selfish to some people. I can't be in a relationship where I am always the initiator. I will lose interest eventually because I will feel like you have little interest, if any at all.

    Additionally, not all guys, but some guys want their women to take charge sometimes. It's sexy.
  • deftanker
    deftanker Posts: 105 Member
    IMO First of all i dont know how serious he was about leaving you butin the end. So what? You know his concern just do it occasionally. Maybe every 5th time or something just go tear his clothes off and abuse him for a while (call it a workout) and he will be happy. He just wants to feel wanted.




    What the hell else would you be doing for those 2 minutes?
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
    My hand.

    Damn Johnny, could that pic get any lower?
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
    Usually me, but it requires negotiation, usually related to promising to buy her something the next day. I hurts my feelings, and makes me feel pretty cheap and worthless.
    I never thought to ask for things.......

    It was mostly my ex because I worked full time then came home and took care of the kids. Maybe if all I had to do was work I would have had more time to think about other things.
  • lostsanity137
    lostsanity137 Posts: 298 Member
    Me and my bf have been together about 3 years. I think he initiates a little more than I do. But I get turned down more than he does! lol.
    I always want it at weird times of the day or when he is exhausted from work. :blushing:

    I almost never turn him down.

    Honestly though, we are both usually too tired to do it as much as you during the week. Your guy is lucky. A lot of people don't get it anywhere near as much.

    But, if you think it is a real problem and want him to feel better about the whole issue, then try initiating more. But if he wants to leave you if you don't...well I think that is a bit much and I hate ultimatums. :/ I think you should talk to him about it.
  • CountryBoy65
    CountryBoy65 Posts: 908 Member
    It is pretty even in our house. One of us will jump the other nearly every day.


    You are awesome!
  • chrystee
    chrystee Posts: 295 Member
    IMO First of all i dont know how serious he was about leaving you butin the end. So what? You know his concern just do it occasionally. Maybe every 5th time or something just go tear his clothes off and abuse him for a while (call it a workout) and he will be happy. He just wants to feel wanted.




    What the hell else would you be doing for those 2 minutes?

    BWAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHA
  • sel254
    sel254 Posts: 273 Member
    I'm a widow but we both initiated it as much as each other. We even worked together and I used to try my luck going into his office a lot...A LOT!"!! lol
  • FrostyFour
    FrostyFour Posts: 262
    It's usually me. He initiates about once a month and we call those "full moon" days... something about a full moon makes him a ravenous hound lol

    These days with 2 kids I usually opt to wait for those days so instead of having decent so-so sex we have mind numbing mental cigarette afterward sex LOL
  • galegetsthin
    galegetsthin Posts: 1,340 Member
    I don't initiate. I don't know. I just feel like the man is supposed to do that.

    Get naked.


    Really though, sometimes, I will just whisper in his ear the things I would like him to do to me or me to him, He will come home and I will be cooking dinner in an apron, panties and heels - nothing else, I will buy something really sexy to wear for him and tell him that I got something for him - then model it, when we are laying in bed I will just rub his chest and down his leg and just barely graze "down there" and once it responds, I just start taking care of things......... There are TONS of ways. It is way easier to get them in the mood than us.
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    I can see Im in the minority but I am of the mind that is relieves stress for both people sometimes at the same time ; ), is lots of fun and a little bit of a workout if you do it right.. Why wouldn’t I want to try and get as much of it as I can? Id take sex over my favorite desert/food anytime...
  • Amcolecchi
    Amcolecchi Posts: 260 Member
    How many times a week is everyone doing it?
  • squishycow7
    squishycow7 Posts: 820 Member
    Same as you - he initiates. Honestly... I only initiate if he's already guilt-tripped me recently about lack of said initiation.

    I dunno where my sex drive is, it's not that I don't enjoy it, but I never think "yup, it's about time." I could go for months. Probably have. But I RARELY turn down unless there's a legitimate reason (usually, "holy crap dude you're so drunk this won't be fun at all")

    However I do see, from his point of view, how it would be annoying and discouraging!! It's just I'm never randomly aroused. Dunnoooo.
  • thinkscientist
    thinkscientist Posts: 3
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

    :laugh:
  • CountryBoy65
    CountryBoy65 Posts: 908 Member
    Tell him it could be worse. I initiate it 99.99% of the time and I get turned down about 90% of the time. I would have probably left by now but I know I would lose half my stuff.

    I initiate 100% of the time, and get turned down 100% of the time. You are living the dream...just sayin.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Lack of physical intimacy will kill a relationship for many people. Just sayin. If one person has to always initiate then it is going to feel like the other doesn't really want to. Which then in turn leads to wondering why exactly that is.
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