Can I have a male friend even if I have a boyfriend?
Replies
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You guys keep using control? What part of respecting his feelings if he's unhappy about it, is controlling her? It's still her choice to do so...no control whatsoever. If however, he refuses her the same respect...he should be gone, and hello guy from the bus.
We don't know how he feels because she hasn't told him, IF she had told him and he said he was uncomfortable with it, that can be respected but if he said "there is no way you're looking at guys, or being around guys, or having guy friends other than me" then it's control, since she's afraid to tell the BF, which she probably is or she wouldn't be posting here for advice then I think it's an issue of control.
Actually, I think she'd be more afraid to tell cause she's into this bus guy. Which is totally fine. Just be nice and let the bf go then make room for bus boy.0 -
Having "male" friends is a tricky and slippery slope. Every time I've seen it, it never works out for the better, especially if you're just meeting him AFTER your current relationship.
Honestly think to yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend met some random girl from a random place that he wanted to be "friends" with.0 -
If you can't have male friends, you need a new boyfriend
Almost ALL my friends are male....and my guy knows that the buddies will never share my bed0 -
Aren't you the one who's living with a "boyfriend" that takes care of you financially, and you don't want to cook and clean for him and you have separate sleeping arrangements?
This *has* to be a troll. I'm sorry but this cannot be serious.
lol omg you're right!! wowwww0 -
^ I agree with the above statement. I think there's a reason you haven't told him yet.0
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From some experience, you really NEED friends in a new city like that. If you BF doesn't like it tell him to grow up and find some confidence. Because someday when you two aren't together and you're left all by yourself because he wouldn't allow you to have friends you're going to be absolutely miserable. Make friends, regardless of their gender, be faithful to your bf of course, but don't be some beaten down girl who lets her bf decide who she can talk to.
So if you're going to prepare for a future break up, why not do it now and save yourself the stress?
What you highlighted makes sense because if someone is going to control their partner's life, the person being controlled would most likely not stay if they're smart.
You guys keep using control? What part of respecting his feelings if he's unhappy about it, is controlling her? It's still her choice to do so...no control whatsoever. If however, he refuses her the same respect...he should be gone, and hello guy from the bus.
yunno? I was just thinking about how the word "control" is sooooo over-used on the message boards. This is controlling me, that is controlling me...wth? I was in a controlling relationship for over 20 years. Why? I have no real reason other then I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her dad. He was always good to her and treated her like gold. Me...not so much. But the point being....to have ever thing you do controlled is far different from giving in on the odd little thing here and there. Like wth....pick your priorities for sure and stick with them...but ya gotta give somewhere too no? It must be bedtime for me :P
I love this post...thank you for that
:flowerforyou:You guys keep using control? What part of respecting his feelings if he's unhappy about it, is controlling her? It's still her choice to do so...no control whatsoever. If however, he refuses her the same respect...he should be gone, and hello guy from the bus.
We don't know how he feels because she hasn't told him, IF she had told him and he said he was uncomfortable with it, that can be respected but if he said "there is no way you're looking at guys, or being around guys, or having guy friends other than me" then it's control, since she's afraid to tell the BF, which she probably is or she wouldn't be posting here for advice then I think it's an issue of control.
Really? Control? No WAY it could possibly be that she has already exchanged emails, and began a friendship without saying a word to him right? Even without that, there's no way it could possibly be that she's here looking for justifications for it, because she already knows he probably won't be really happy with it (funny how you went to a serious extreme there with your two options).
No way!! It's got to be control...that's the only logical conclusion.0 -
You know he has girls as friends. I dont see anything wrong with it.0
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You know he has girls as friends. I dont see anything wrong with it.
How do you know that?0 -
I have to say I find a lot of these answers really surprising. Your boyfriend is a crazy control freak who is suffocating you if he has a problem with you meeting guys on the bus? If he's okay with it and you guys have that kind of relationship, great. However, I'm guessing by your questioning telling him you either a) don't or b) haven't been together very long or you would know.
To me, a big part of trust comes from trusting them to not put themselves in situations where things could happen and bad decisions could be made. Not everyone agrees with that and that's fine. But people that feel like that feel like its respecting their partners and there's nothing wrong with that either.
My judgement could also be clouded by the fact I have never had a male friend who did not try to take it further than friendship, and I have had a fair amount of them over the years. Which is most likely because the guys I was friends with starting talking to me because they thought I was attractive. Which pretty much comes full circle to the about what the guy on the bus's intentions are, at least in my opinion.0 -
You know he has girls as friends. I dont see anything wrong with it.
How do you know that?
Ummm duh causes he's a man which means he can't keep it in his pants anyways0 -
No.
Never. Once you have a boyfriend you should become blind to the opposite sex. *Major Sarcasm*
Of course you can have a male friend. It's one thing to be friends, but if you start crawling all over him like he was a jungle gym then there is a problem.0 -
I have to say I find a lot of these answers really surprising. Your boyfriend is a crazy control freak who is suffocating you if he has a problem with you meeting guys on the bus? If he's okay with it and you guys have that kind of relationship, great. However, I'm guessing by your questioning telling him you either a) don't or b) haven't been together very long or you would know.
To me, a big part of trust comes from trusting them to not put themselves in situations where things could happen and bad decisions could be made. Not everyone agrees with that and that's fine. But people that feel like that feel like its respecting their partners and there's nothing wrong with that either.
My judgement could also be clouded by the fact I have never had a male friend who did not try to take it further than friendship, and I have had a fair amount of them over the years. Which is most likely because the guys I was friends with starting talking to me because they thought I was attractive. Which pretty much comes full circle to the about what the guy on the bus's intentions are, at least in my opinion.
But see, you, and Victoria, and every other woman who has posted these type comments...your opinions aren't valid. A lifetime of experience with male friends counts for nothing, because we're all people, and completely the same.
(Just giving you an FYI there...)
Funny though, when it comes to biochemical reactions in your body, and physiological response...everyone on this forum is a special effin little snowflake lol.
And for the record...my entire post here was sarcasm...I completely 100% agree with her.
/sigh!0 -
You know he has girls as friends. I dont see anything wrong with it.
How do you know that?
Ummm duh causes he's a man which means he can't keep it in his pants anyways
Unless he's the guy from the bus of course...that dude's a saint.
:grumble:0 -
You guys keep using control? What part of respecting his feelings if he's unhappy about it, is controlling her? It's still her choice to do so...no control whatsoever. If however, he refuses her the same respect...he should be gone, and hello guy from the bus.
We don't know how he feels because she hasn't told him, IF she had told him and he said he was uncomfortable with it, that can be respected but if he said "there is no way you're looking at guys, or being around guys, or having guy friends other than me" then it's control, since she's afraid to tell the BF, which she probably is or she
wouldn't be posting here for advice then I think it's an issue of control.
Wait...you're saying she's afraid to tell her boyfriend...but she's not afraid to tell what, 400,000 or more, total strangers?
Maybe she's just afraid that she'll be out on her *kitten*, and that he'll no longer take care of her.
Seems like she wants to be taken care of by the bf...but have a little somethin extra with "bus booty".0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:You know he has girls as friends. I dont see anything wrong with it.
How do you know that?
Ummm duh causes he's a man which means he can't keep it in his pants anyways
Unless he's the guy from the bus of course...that dude's a saint.
:grumble:0 -
.... Question for you:
WHY do you HAVE to run your friends by your boyfriend? Is he some sort of muscle-brained power-tripping control freak who spouts hairy-chested nonsense about who you should be, how you should dress, what makeup you can & can't wear & how to wear your hair? Does he make EVERY decision in life for you? Yeah, I know some women are into that, but the very fact that you're asking this question tells me you're not one of them.
Perspective:
My boyfriend has a LOT of female friends. He's had them a lot longer than he's had me, & YES... there are certain things he does like plan rafting trips to Costa Rica with them... two single women... that he's know for AGES, & had every chance to date when he was single & he never has. Those things are weird to me, yeah. But it's just him, & who he happens to be as a person. I wouldn't change him because I kinda like him the way he is. If I didn't, I'd move on & get a different boyfriend. He invites me to go with them... but I don't have that kind of money, so I can't go. But it's what he wants to do, & I'd never hold him back from that, because I LOVE HIM.
I have guy friends. Several have tried on more than one drunk &/or sober occasion to climb into my panties... but I *do* have control over who I sleep with & who I choose to have a romantic relationship with. If I EVER for any reason felt the need to look outside my current relationship for romance, that's kind of what clues me in to the fact that I'm not happy in my current relationship & need to make a change. I'm kinda logical that way. My boyfriend (who was basically stood up at the altar by his fiancé---terrible mess, had to return the shower gifts, etc. & cancel all the wedding plans himself because she slept with one of his groomsmen, so yeah; my BF is damaged goods, with more emotional baggage than you can pack in an 18-wheeler) knows this about me, & he also knows that I'm happy in my relationship, & that I love him, & I would never cheat on him, because we've HAD that discussion: it was no-holds-barred, & everything is crystal clear.
If you want to do something, your boyfriend should support you at it. He should feel totally free to express his opinion about things, but I wouldn't let him tell you who you can & can't spend time with.
Bottom Line: Clearly, this is a conversation that you need to have with your boyfriend. Establish where the lines of trust are in your relationship. If they're unclear, then that may be something you will either have to consider working on, or maybe re-think the relationship, because if you don't have mutual trust & respect & honesty.... you don't have much of a relationship anyway.0 -
If you want to do something, your boyfriend should support you at it. He should feel totally free to express his opinion about things, but I wouldn't let him tell you who you can & can't spend time with.
So what if it were your boyfriends feelings that he didn't want you to hang out with this or that guy friend...would you respect that or no? He didn't say you couldn't...just told you how he felt.0 -
Unless he's the guy from the bus of course...that dude's a saint.
:grumble:
:drinker: :laugh:0 -
NOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S ILLEGAL, DUH. -________- If my boyfriend had a problem with me hanging with my guy friends I would be like uhh hell to the no.... I don't care if he hangs with (non-slutty) girls so why should he care when I hang with my friends, who happen to be almost all guys? :x Pffff.0
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NOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S ILLEGAL, DUH. -________- If my boyfriend had a problem with me hanging with my guy friends I would be like uhh hell to the no.... I don't care if he hangs with (non-slutty) girls so why should he care when I hang with my friends, who happen to be almost all guys? :x Pffff.
Would you pick them over him if he did have a problem?0 -
So today I met a really cool and funny guy on the bus who I would love to be friends with, the problem is I think my boyfriend would go crazy if I asked him about it.
I'm recently new to this city and I don't know anyone besides me boyfriend, it can get quite lonely sometimes. I don't want to cause arguments in our relationship so would it be best for me to ignore the funny cool guy on the bus and not respond to his email to hang out?
Let's get REAL! In today's world we all want to believe that WE are Mature, Honest and Faithful enough to have relationships with the Opposite Sex (OR Sex that one is Naturally Attracted to.) We call all types of things (NOT Cheating) like cyber relationships... The Key to all of this is ATTRACTION, HONESTY and what I call BRAZENNESS!
HERE'S a REAL Story: My Best Friend (female/Candi) and her partner (female/Elle) had been together for 5 years. Elle had "friends" she had known for a few years but not really that close. One "friend" (Wells) was Attracted to Elle but held it under-cover. The door was open when she (WELLS) saw that Candi and Elle were having some problems.;(Wells) began to single Elle out for special treatment/attention, like getting movie passes and asking Elle to go the movies, having dinners together, going to university functions... they began conversing and keeping up with each other on Twitter and Facebook and IM. My friend (Candi) THOUGHT it was OK, she thought it was harmless, but I knew better. I could tell that Wells had always been ATTRACTED to Elle and that she (WELLS) was just waiting for the right time to make a move (THE BRAZEN FACTOR.) That "Closeness" that Wells MANIPULATED with Elle eventually drove the final wedge between Elle and Candi. NOW, Elle and Wells are a couple (I DOUBT if it will last/).
THIS is just an example of what people are willing to DO to get something (someone) that belongs to someone else that they covet...if even for a short time. SOME People are Very Brazen and jealous, and ARE willing to "lay in the cut" for what belongs to someone else...it's almost like a Game to them. BUT, the other partner (Friend) is also to blame. If You are TRULY HONEST, you should know/feel that there IS an attraction with You and this new guy. I can tell that there is an attraction JUST by the way you describe him. And I GUARANTEE that he is BRAZEN enough to "slow walk" you down as soon as he "smells" any problem between You and your boy friend...In Fact, YOU will be running to him (the new guy) telling him all the problems you and your boy friend are having, and new guy will be listening with empathy (just like Elle and Wells.) THIS stuff is NOT New, we hear of it all the time, heck, songs are written about it "Friends become Lovers" (who belonged to someone else! first .)0 -
NOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S ILLEGAL, DUH. -________- If my boyfriend had a problem with me hanging with my guy friends I would be like uhh hell to the no.... I don't care if he hangs with (non-slutty) girls so why should he care when I hang with my friends, who happen to be almost all guys? :x Pffff.
How do you know if they're slutty or not? Because even the sluttiest girls can look like saints. I would know, I went to catholic school. :laugh:0 -
NOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S ILLEGAL, DUH. -________- If my boyfriend had a problem with me hanging with my guy friends I would be like uhh hell to the no.... I don't care if he hangs with (non-slutty) girls so why should he care when I hang with my friends, who happen to be almost all guys? :x Pffff.
How do you know if they're slutty or not? Because even the sluttiest girls can look like saints. I would know, I went to catholic school. :laugh:
Oh man...you had to go and say that didn't you?!
/sigh0 -
This is not a friend she's had before she got with her boyfriend. This is a random funny cool guy she met on a bus. She's lonely in a new city. C'mon now.0
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Most guys are only looking for one thing. If the funny guy is gay then it is ok... If he is straight, then eventually he will want more than to be your friend....
Maybe he's just using you to get close to your boyfriend.0 -
Most guys are only looking for one thing. If the funny guy is gay then it is ok... If he is straight, then eventually he will want more than to be your friend....
Maybe he's just using you to get close to your boyfriend.
Sneaky bastage!0 -
I think it is all just based on each persons preference and perspective.
My perspective is my wife simply does not make new friendships with straight men. If it is an old friendship then obviously I came into the relationship knowing it is an old friendship and that is perfectly acceptable.
I couldn't be with a woman who thought it was ok because I don't think it is ok and I would be bothered by it. That is something I looked for in my wife. It was mutually agreeable value that we both shared. It is simply inappropriate to be alone and to spend time and to share emotional bonds with a member of the opposite sex who is not friends with your current significant other and or a long time friend. I have long time friends that are women and I still wouldn't hang out with them alone because it is just not "appropriate" and respectful.
I see the role of that social interaction between a man and a woman simply to be bonded to your relationship. There is no reason to have an emotional bond with another single or married woman whatsoever there is nothing good that can come of that it has the potential to turn into other feelings. Communication is hard enough in a marriage and to have feelings of rejection because that person is communicating with someone else can cause issues in a relationship that are completely avoidable by simply respecting that relationship.
There are many relationships that satisfy a persons need to "belong" and those relationships in my opinion have boundaries. It is not a trust issue or any thing else.
I can guarantee that most people that feel this way are also the ones that do not go tell their guy buddies every thing about their relationships. People seek relationships with certain people all the time, gender is one of those factors. It is just one of those things where I just don't find it appropriate to seek alone time with the opposite sex.
Now lesbian women, those make the best girl friends for me.... lol0 -
I'm young and married, and I have plenty of male friends, as well as my husband. He works with a lot of females (no males) and I'm totally comfortable with him being friends with females. I would talk to your boyfriend, because having other male friends is healthy.
It's all about trust.
So long as you're not doing anything with them that you wouldn't be comfortable with your boyfriend seeing.
That's how I think of it, anyway.
I haven't read all of the posts, just the first couple.0 -
Aren't you the one who's living with a "boyfriend" that takes care of you financially, and you don't want to cook and clean for him and you have separate sleeping arrangements?
This *has* to be a troll. I'm sorry but this cannot be serious.
lol omg you're right!! wowwww
The OP is that girl? Ohhh that's why she hasn't been back0 -
it depends on the person, I don't trust guys, so a make a point not to have male friends.
I think you can have friends of the opposite gender, and it not be romantic0
This discussion has been closed.
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