Why be a side-chick???
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The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.
this is sooo true.
I totally disagree with this, except maybe in situations where the "cheat-ee" was honestly duped and didn't know she/he was with a cheater. I went in eyes wide open. I was 50% responsible. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better about my crappy decision by saying he's "worse" on some subjective scale of badness.
thats a personal oppinion for sure. even if i was, and i have been, the woman cheated on...and i will add that i am aware of the other womans knoweldge of my existance (i also still beat the living hell out of her) ...but now, in hind sight....i do know that it was HIM that made the choice to betray me. i didnt know here, she owed not a thing to me, never told me she loved me, or that i was her 'forever'. for me, personally that is where the true responsibility lies, as far as i am concerned. but if it helps you feel better to assume that responsibility then good on ya i guess, lol.0 -
*grabs popcorn*
:glasses:0 -
The person doing the cheating always is more evil, the side chick does not owe the other girl anything. Except for breaking the laws of sisterhood, she is not the one who committed to the other girl, the dude is. He's cheating, lieing, and betraying someone, the side chick isn't doing that to anyone. Ive never been a side chick, but most girls who get cheated on who direct their anger towards the other woman are just deflecting their anger towards their partner to the girl because its hard to be that angry at someone you love. Its icky, but the cheater is definitely the really bad one in that situation.
this is sooo true.
I agree. But the other woman does deserve a kick in the goolies if she's "friends" with the woman being cheated on.0 -
If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"
I suspect you're in a small minority, here. And to share a potentially-unpopular opinion in regard to your question of whether or not to continue having sex in order to please your partner even though you're not getting anything out of it.... I would say yes, that is necessary. Both parties have to be reasonable (it is unavoidable that every once in a while, one of you actually WILL have a headache), of course, and respectful should go without saying. But I do think part of marriage is a responsibility to fulfill your spouse's needs, including sexually. Sometimes one of you wants/enjoys it more than the other... so what? Relationships are work. And it's all about choices.
*Edit for clarity: to say that sex is a vitally important part of a marriage is not equivalent to the marriage/relationship being "based on sex". You're making a giant leap, there.
I agree that there is a big leap between sex being vitally important and the marriage being "based" on it.
Our marriage is in no way "based" on sex, but it's so important to staying connected with your partner. It's a time when you put everything else aside and say that your spouse in the most important person to you.
I look at this from a spiritual view, that I know many of you won't share, but my husband and I do. We believe that when we were married we became "one flesh" and the best way to keep this oneness.. is to make sure we're staying connected physically as well as emotionally.
Now, I'm not saying there hasn't been dry patches for us.. Right after my C-section, when my son decided to start waking up 5-6 times a night and NO ONE got any sleep. And most recently when we both started new jobs, and my son started preschool. We find ourselves so tired that on any given night we might have every intention of being intimate, but fall asleep instead. However, we really try not to let more than a week go by, because, we know it's imperative that we keep our physical relationship healthy.
I know not everyone else shares that view, but it works for us.0 -
In my opinion, I don't always put blame on a side-chick. I have on two occasions in my life been with someone who was involved in a relationship. Not saying that would ever happen again as my bf and I have a strong, honest and wonderful relationship. We both know that the other won't cheat and have no reason to.
The reason I did it: if it's just sex to me, a man's business is not mine. I don't know what his relationship is like, I don't know how he is treated at home, I don't care what his reasons are for finding sex elsewhere. I have met some down-right nasty, evil women who are abusive to their husbands and withhold intimacy like it's a toy. I honestly DON'T feel sorry for those women when their husbands stray or find someone to fill their needs when the wife won't out of spite.
Bottom line, in my opinion, is that an affair is an issue between a man and his wife. Not the other woman.
*so you as a human being have no accountability whatsoever..?*
whats your sweet boyfriends name .. I wonder if I can lure him away. ..... . .? shouldn't be a problem for you I could care less about your intention , how much time you have put into the relationship and JUST an FYI women dont turn into nasty B@$#hs overnight ... There is always a reason.. maybe signals that the cheating was around the corner.. you are one of those sad gullible girls who believes what these poor men tell you.. first work on your values, secondly learn how to tell a rat @$$ from a "man" ... and thirdly .. just wait Karma's a hell of a teacher.0 -
No in-fact it shouldn't be about sex, sex is a gift from God, everybody doesn't abide by that rule but there are plenty of ways to show affection without being intimate. #BOOM :explode:
I could not disagree more. Showing your love for a man means fulfilling his sexual needs unless you are WILLING for him to stray. You don't seem to get that it is a necessity as much as being shown affection is to a woman.If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"0 -
I'll put it like this: What one woman won't do, another woman will. The problem is that things get complicated. You get kids, you get a mortgage, you get things in your life that bind you together. The compliments began to wane, things you used to do aren't done anymore. The relationship grows stagnant and stale. It becomes unexciting. In the end, neither party wants to hurt the other. I've been there. So suddenly, someone comes along that makes you feel like a man. They make you feel needed and wanted. It starts innocently enough at first; You're a committed man sworn to forsake all others for this relationship. However, you begin to rationalize things a little differently. You begin to feel that you deserve to be treated better. This other person begins to provide you with everything that your main girl doesn't. She becomes a supplement to what you already have like a protein shake is a supplement to your diet.
It's not right and I don't condone it, but I COMPLETELY understand where those who have been side chics are coming from. I don't find it reprehensible, disgusting, bitter, or even cheating. I know that's how society views it, but then again I don't understand the correlation between love and sex. I understand it on a fundamental level, but I don't understand it on a primal level as it relates to us as humans in regards to evolution, but I digress.
So yeah, it's messed up and people get hurt sometimes. On the other hand people deserve to find their happiness in whatever way they see fit so until you get caught I say Have fun, keep it pimpin', and let it do what it do. I agree with others though: The minute that emotions get involved, cut it loose. Also, the one woman that mentioned the wife knew, I understand that as well. That is a very real situation and happens more often than many here would care to admit. It just depends on so many factors.
This is spot on!! This is well said0 -
I guess maybe I am saying it wrong then. I don't think that I need to have sex every day 5 times a day for him to stay committed. 2 times a week ( especially with a child and working 80+ hrs a week) is enough. Even when I don't get anything out of it. I gave into his needs atleast 2 times a week. Even when I didn't want to. I should not have to, or feel obligated to have sex with him if I do not want to. Therefore he should not stray. Im not saying your relationship can survive without sex. I'm saying if you NEED to have sex 5 times a day everyday for them not to stray that isn't good. I can go a week or 2 without sex. Sex is not important to me. If he decided to tell me ok, for the next year we are not having sex, I would have said ok, and I can tell you I WOULD NOT have strayed. Maybe that's just me. And I do not need sex to keep me from cheating.0
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Someone else completely missing the point. Men need sex. This is especially true of younger and/or fitter men. It is a function of testosterone and it's interactions with our brains.No in-fact it shouldn't be about sex, sex is a gift from God, everybody doesn't abide by that rule but there are plenty of ways to show affection without being intimate. #BOOM :explode:
I could not disagree more. Showing your love for a man means fulfilling his sexual needs unless you are WILLING for him to stray. You don't seem to get that it is a necessity as much as being shown affection is to a woman.If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"0 -
If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"
"Sex is just an added bonus"? Then you're doing it wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of a successful, happy relationship where sex wasn't a necessity!
But to answer the OPs original question, why NOT be a side-chick? If the side-chick is getting what she wants, then that's great for her.
I've always been of the opinion that if my man strays, I'm certainly not going to blame the woman. It's not her responsibility to maintain the "sanctity" of MY relationship.
So , what have we learned??? "Why NOT be a side-chick?" Its the best of both worlds, and not her responsiblity. correct?0 -
If your relationship is based on sex, something is wrong. There is no love. I couldn't be in a relationship where sex was a necessity. Sex is just an added bonus. If you love and care about someone that should be enough for a relationship. Sex is not a "prize"
"Sex is just an added bonus"? Then you're doing it wrong. I don't know that I've ever heard of a successful, happy relationship where sex wasn't a necessity!
But to answer the OPs original question, why NOT be a side-chick? If the side-chick is getting what she wants, then that's great for her.
I've always been of the opinion that if my man strays, I'm certainly not going to blame the woman. It's not her responsibility to maintain the "sanctity" of MY relationship.
So , what have we learned??? "Why NOT be a side-chick?" Its the best of both worlds, and not her responsiblity. correct?
Well if he's happy and side-chick is happy, I hope the person being cheated on gets a side-guy to make it even all round!0 -
I totally disagree with this, except maybe in situations where the "cheat-ee" was honestly duped and didn't know she/he was with a cheater. I went in eyes wide open. I was 50% responsible. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better about my crappy decision by saying he's "worse" on some subjective scale of badness.
thats a personal oppinion for sure. even if i was, and i have been, the woman cheated on...and i will add that i am aware of the other womans knoweldge of my existance (i also still beat the living hell out of her) ...but now, in hind sight....i do know that it was HIM that made the choice to betray me. i didnt know here, she owed not a thing to me, never told me she loved me, or that i was her 'forever'. for me, personally that is where the true responsibility lies, as far as i am concerned. but if it helps you feel better to assume that responsibility then good on ya i guess, lol.
It isn't really about making myself feel better. It's not something I'm ever going to "feel good" about. (I also don't need to live a life of self-flagellation because I made this poor choice.) It's just a matter of taking responsibility for my actions, which is something I try to make a practice of. I knew he was married, I continued to sleep with him for a 1.5 years anyway. While I agree that anything stronger than intense dislike of me on his wife's part would be misplaced (we've never met.), I have to own my decisions. It's what grown-ups do.0 -
A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.
I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.
Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.
This. If you have a relationship where sex is a bonus, then you are friends that have sex. If you have a committed, monogamous relationship, then you better make sex a priority. If there is one thing that I learned being the other woman, it is to make my husband's sex the best he ever had. If he can't wait to get home and get in your pants, then he'll not be thinking about anyone else's pants.
Only partially true. For some men, the sex isn't what fills them. It's the hunt, the conquest, the sneaking. That's what drives them to stray. Sex is a byproduct of filling the other desires. You can lay yourself out for a man like that body, mind and soul. You can pour every ounce of who you are into him and it will never be enough to fill him. Be careful with thinking like this ladies.0 -
Sometimes the "side chick" believes that the man will leave his wife/girlfriend for her. Sometimes she doesn't care. There have to be a lot more reasons, too. I haven't been one, so I wouldn't know...0
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Sex is the foundation of a romantic relationship.
Without it, that "love" is the same thing as the love you feel for a mother, cousin, or grandparent. You can't have monogamy without sex. I'm amazed when people think they can get partner up, not have sex with their partner, and then demand they don't have sex with anyone else. That isn't monogamy, it's enforced celibacy. So I can't see sex as a bonus.
A foundation is precisely that -- you can build something on top it. Maybe you choose build nothing on top of it, and now your relationship is truly sex-based. A FWB. Casual.
Without the foundation, anything you attempt to build on top will eventually fall down. And that's how so many marriages die.
On the bright side, maybe you build a really strong foundation (20 or 30 years of amazing sex) so that when you are old and unable -- it's strong enough to hold the relationship until you die.0 -
I totally disagree with this, except maybe in situations where the "cheat-ee" was honestly duped and didn't know she/he was with a cheater. I went in eyes wide open. I was 50% responsible. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better about my crappy decision by saying he's "worse" on some subjective scale of badness.
thats a personal oppinion for sure. even if i was, and i have been, the woman cheated on...and i will add that i am aware of the other womans knoweldge of my existance (i also still beat the living hell out of her) ...but now, in hind sight....i do know that it was HIM that made the choice to betray me. i didnt know here, she owed not a thing to me, never told me she loved me, or that i was her 'forever'. for me, personally that is where the true responsibility lies, as far as i am concerned. but if it helps you feel better to assume that responsibility then good on ya i guess, lol.
It isn't really about making myself feel better. It's not something I'm ever going to "feel good" about. (I also don't need to live a life of self-flagellation because I made this poor choice.) It's just a matter of taking responsibility for my actions, which is something I try to make a practice of. I knew he was married, I continued to sleep with him for a 1.5 years anyway. While I agree that anything stronger than intense dislike of me on his wife's part would be misplaced (we've never met.), I have to own my decisions. It's what grown-ups do.
taking ownership is a healthy way to deal with your decisions. i use that to get ot of all kinds of ****. lmao! JK!0 -
A loving relationship is not all about sex, which he made it out to be. Sex is a bonus. It should not make or break a relationship.
I think that's where your wrong. A loving relationship is not all about sex, but where you are asking someone to be in a loving relationship with you and only you, you are asking them to have sex with you and only you- then their needs need to be met, as well as yours. Sex is not a bonus, it's part of the package. Great vacations are a bonus, nice cars are a bonus, the wonderful house you picked together- bonus.
Sex is part of that loving relationship and all too often people do not make it a priority. There are times when it's less and times when it's more- but no one in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, should make sex less important than it is.
This. If you have a relationship where sex is a bonus, then you are friends that have sex. If you have a committed, monogamous relationship, then you better make sex a priority. If there is one thing that I learned being the other woman, it is to make my husband's sex the best he ever had. If he can't wait to get home and get in your pants, then he'll not be thinking about anyone else's pants.
Only partially true. For some men, the sex isn't what fills them. It's the hunt, the conquest, the sneaking. That's what drives them to stray. Sex is a byproduct of filling the other desires. You can lay yourself out for a man like that body, mind and soul. You can pour every ounce of who you are into him and it will never be enough to fill him. Be careful with thinking like this ladies.
For men who want the hunt, the conquest and the sneaking - there isn't much you'll be able to do for them. That's an unfortunate situation and maybe he shouldn't be settling down. For those who just want an active sex life with the partner they have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship with, sex shouldn't be considered just a bonus. It can and sometimes does make or break a relationship.0 -
I just hope yall be wrappin it up.0
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It doesn't bother me. I personally never understood the concept of jealousy very well. I mean, anyone I date will have been with other women before me and will be with other women after me. They're attracted to the gender as a whole, and I honestly consider it a little ridiculous to hold them up to an expectation to act on their attraction to me, and only me, for the duration of the relationship.
Personally I think monogamy is strange and maybe even a bit cruel. You wouldn't watch the same TV show every day and not eventually want to flip through the channels. You wouldn't eat the same dinner every single day and not get bored of it. No matter how much you love something or someone, variety is the spice of life. To withhold someone from experiencing everything they want to experience is, in my opinion, unrealistic and unsustainable.
That said, I don't know if I've ever been an official "side chick" more than I've been a friend with benefits to guys who had unrequited feelings for another girl. Personally I feel more comfortable when I'm fooling around with a close friend that I know has feelings for someone else; I don't care much for romance, so I don't have to worry about unintentionally leading him on.
Of course, this is just my preference and experience talking, and I don't have anything against how anyone else chooses to live their lives. To each their own :flowerforyou:0 -
I guess maybe I am saying it wrong then. I don't think that I need to have sex every day 5 times a day for him to stay committed. 2 times a week ( especially with a child and working 80+ hrs a week) is enough. Even when I don't get anything out of it. I gave into his needs atleast 2 times a week. Even when I didn't want to. I should not have to, or feel obligated to have sex with him if I do not want to. Therefore he should not stray. Im not saying your relationship can survive without sex. I'm saying if you NEED to have sex 5 times a day everyday for them not to stray that isn't good. I can go a week or 2 without sex. Sex is not important to me. If he decided to tell me ok, for the next year we are not having sex, I would have said ok, and I can tell you I WOULD NOT have strayed. Maybe that's just me. And I do not need sex to keep me from cheating.
I think at this point we've circled back around to Brett's astute observation:You were in the wrong relationship. You were with a person who felt differently than you about an important subject.
Good news, you're no longer in that relationship. Now you can choose to stay mad or you can start moving on with your life. The second option is much better for you.0
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