A Letter, Add Yours!
Replies
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Dear brats who cut across my yard,
I realize I live in a townhouse. The yard is not "mine" in the "I pay a mortgage and can build a fence if I want to" kind of way. However, I do pay a ridiculously high rent and only have a postage stamp sized scrap of grass. I thought the bushes and trees around my patio would keep you away. No. I thought the dligence with which my dear husband planted his pathetic flowers in their mismatched pots would send a message that someone, no matter how colorblind, cared for this little patch of dirt. Alas, it is not to be. You insist on stomping across my tiny plot with your iPods blaring, yelling at each other over the noise. Do you realize you are 6 inches from my window yet only 2 feet from the sidewalk? You get home, what, 30 seconds faster?? Speaking of home, were you raised by wolves????
The sidewalk is there for your walking pleasure. Embrace it. Don't make me turn the hose on you. :noway:
Regards,
The cranky lady in 102
Amy,
Just as an aside, I also had the pleasure of teens cutting across my yard. I saw them do it many times and each time, I would ask if they would go around. Now, one day, I was in the backyard, washing my car and out of the corner of my eye, I see a kid running across my rather large yard. (He was just tempting me.) Welp. Needless to say, he thought that I was CRAZY, because he DID get the hose. I ran after the kid and soaked him. He didn't come back. So, I can attest to the hose being an effective method of eliminating unwanted trespassers. I'm suprised I didn't get TP in my trees or eggs on my windows, though. :laugh:0 -
this free therapy is awesome ....
to the parents of the kids i do child care for,
I KNOW i have told you this before my hours are from 7:30 to 5:30, please do not call me up at 5:25 and tell me your gonna be late because you want to stop at the bank and the grocery store.... believe it or not I might have things to do too!!! Do not send your kids to my house if they have a fever and ask if i will watch them while they stay home from school because they are sick.... you think i want to be sick??? Please stop nickle and dimeing me when it comes time to pay me.... If you are gonna complain about the snacks i serve because only one of your 2 kids is on a sugar free diet(which is crazy to begin with) then send your own damn snacks with her because i cant afford to serve 2 seperate snacks a day. If you are gonna buy me something from the dollar store for christmas i would prefer you just buy me nothing, that glass flower is just tacky. And can you stop saying to me "wow with four daycare kids you must just rake the money in" are you fricken kidding me? hello as*holes i have to feed them and you only pay me 10$ a day for before and after school x2 kids do the math stupid.....
j~
dear girlfriend of my ex,
No i am not sleeping with your boyfriend nor have i in the past 4 years that we have not been together... I am sorry he has to be a part of my life and we are friends BUT WE DO HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER. Stop calling my house and hanging up when you get in a fight because you think he came here... because im not sure how calling and hanging up solves anything... if he IS here he isnt gonna answer the phone here!!??!! Stop driving by my house its creepy!!!! Stop throwing me into all your arguements its not my fault that your relationship is on the rocks...its more likely because you are insecure.0 -
this free therapy is awesome ....
to the parents of the kids i do child care for,
I KNOW i have told you this before my hours are from 7:30 to 5:30, please do not call me up at 5:25 and tell me your gonna be late because you want to stop at the bank and the grocery store.... believe it or not I might have things to do too!!! Do not send your kids to my house if they have a fever and ask if i will watch them while they stay home from school because they are sick.... you think i want to be sick??? Please stop nickle and dimeing me when it comes time to pay me.... If you are gonna complain about the snacks i serve because only one of your 2 kids is on a sugar free diet(which is crazy to begin with) then send your own damn snacks with her because i cant afford to serve 2 seperate snacks a day. If you are gonna buy me something from the dollar store for christmas i would prefer you just buy me nothing, that glass flower is just tacky. And can you stop saying to me "wow with four daycare kids you must just rake the money in" are you fricken kidding me? hello as*holes i have to feed them and you only pay me 10$ a day for before and after school x2 kids do the math stupid.....
j~
LOL AMEN and I can add to this.
Please do not ask me to NOT feed your kids after school snacks because they wont eat dinner, then get mad and ask me why I refused your child food.
Please do not be 20 minutes late picking up your children, then say OMG I forgot to go to the bank for your pay. Well ... where the heck were you for 20 minutes?0 -
Hokay, I have another to add...
Dear Smoking Neighbors and friend,
I know it's tough, and I know you have been kicked out of every building in the state. BUT!!! I'm angry because you are breathing in cancer with your sticks, and amazingly skinny. I'm fat, and my husband had cancer and neither of us as puffed a puff in our lives.
I want you to quit standing in our yard and walking in the cul-de-sac and dropping your butts everywhere. I don't throw my Oreo wrappers in your yard!!! I am also sick of your freelance puffing around me, my children, and my husband. It's like putting salt on a wound. It's like me pointing out that you are killing yourself. I respectfully don't utter a word about your habit, so quit blowing it at the bus stop near my family. Butt heads.0 -
I love this! Here we go...
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Dear Kitty,
I love that you like to cuddle up with me at night. However it is not necessary to lie on my face and sneeze in my ear. It is also not necessary to lie on my knees when I need to get up in the morning.... speaking of which, standing atop the tv at 5am and meowing at the top of your lungs will not get me up before my alarm. You will get your food after my alarm wakes me like every other morning... you playing 'rooster' will not.
You loving person.
......
Dear co-workers,
I know you are opinionated and I respect that. Please understand that you and I are not the designer and I don't care if you think that dress is ugly. Someone purchased the way it is and that is why I am fitting it. Additionally, you are only confusing everyone by sending massive emails on top of mine to our contractors. They are (in fact) intelligent, have already read my email, and understand how to fix the problem with the hem. You don't need to drill it into them.
Yours truly,
Cranky Production Girl
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Dear Neighbors In the Back,
Yes, I get it, you can't cook and burn everything! Please don't remind me 3 times a day with your smoke alarm. I know you already told me you don't hear it so just unplug it. I'm certain if there was a real fire you still wouldn't hear the alarm so I don't think it's of any use anymore. I will rip it from your wall next time it's sounding all afternoon.
Your Deranged Neighbor.
.....
:bigsmile: :bigsmile:0 -
Dear Big Leather Recliner,
I am so jealous of the power you have over my husband! For years you have made him so comfortable that no matter what time of day he sits with you, he will instantly fall asleep. The power you have over him and my unwillingness to share him anymore is a getting to be real problem!
Please BLR, understand that I have dishes, laundry, children and meals to deal with, please do me a favor and if you see him falling asleep, can you give him a little tickle - (or full on electrical shock!)?
You are a very nice Recliner and I would hate to see you go, but I am done sharing him with you, I need him back before I lose my sanity. Its either you or me, there is not room in this house for both us!
The Wife0 -
Dear *kitten* in the crappy little 4-cylinder Honda,
I don't know how or where you obtained a driver's license, but it sure wasn't through the usual channels.
With your complete stupidity, and obvious ignorance of the rules of the road, I don't know how you haven't ended up as a brown stain on the highway.
Going down the interstate in the left lane at 55 *where the speed limit is 65 or 70*....not smart! I am waiting for the day when you are putting along, and look in your rearview, and all you see is the front grille on a Mack truck. Maybe that will speed you up a little.
And don't get me started on driving distracted. I've seen people drive while eating, or talking on the phone, or applying make up...but never all three. Could you drive any better if I stuck that phone somewhere that the sun doesn't shine?
The last thing I'm going to say is....Next time you cut me off you're going to get 3700 lbs. of Pontiac stuffed up your tailpipe.
Signed,
An Irate Driver
(Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, guys...I almost got into an accident earlier because of someone else's ignorance and I'm still angry about it.:explode: )0 -
Not harsh, just as aggravated as we all are by idiot driver's. Mine of the week, the idiot who almost rear ended me while I had my kids with me because he didn't notice the whole sea of bright red tail lights including MINE, because the idiot was texting. Couldn't you have just handed your phone to the other idiot in the passenger seat? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR0
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To my little boys:
I love you, very much. However, could you turn off your built in radar that triggers your nightmares, bad dreams or bladder needs until after your daddy and I spend "quality time" together. I promise that we are not trying to bring a new life into the world. Daddy is fixed and mommy plans on maitaining monogamy. So, now that I have reassured you, please, please, please stop waking up. Love, your frustrated parents!!!!!!!!!0 -
Dear pubesent boys,
... here let me put it in your terms....
"if you come around my door looking for my daughter one more time im gonna pop a cap in yo *kitten*!!!"
j~
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (That should be said while holding a loaded shot gun!)0 -
Dear Lump On My Couch,
I wish I could move you. You are always there staring at me and the tv. With the way you reproduce soda cans and half eaten plates of food You've become a very large inconvenience. I would appreciate it muchly if you moved.
-A very annoyed dirty house.
Dear little 4y/o Diva,
I know that Hannah Montana is the shi* but I swear to god if I hear another of her songs or am asked to buy another one of her overpriced t-shirts I am going to call the cable company and beg they pay me to have the disney channel.
Love,
Tired Ears.
Dear Body,
Lose weight and Change Goddamnit.
-Yer Brain.
Dear stupid *kitten* ppl in my 'hood,
I know you love yer ghetto assed rap but it is not fun to pull up next to my house honk, open the damned door, blare said ghetto assed rap for an hour and a half and then run into the gas pipe on the side of my house. I personally do not want to blow up! Also, not nice to scream outside my window because you are two lazy to walk the 3 feet from the car door to the house door. I just LLLOOOOOVVVEEE waking up to you and yer uhhem guests screaming 5 feet away from eachother. It's the freaking highlight of my 3am wake up call! Would it kill you to not be so LOUD?. And would it kill you to shut yer blinds? I really don't need to see what you are doing...It's just gross! Just saying, ya know..Word and all. AND STOP THROWING THINGS AT MY HOUSE! I mean come on! So I have an idea that will help everyone....
Next time you pull up at 3 am, blare yer music and drunkly drive your stupid car, do us all a favor, and hit yer gas pipe and blow yer own damned house up...
Also, neighbour acrossed the street, as much as I love music I can only take so much mariachi music at 6:30 am. I would ask you to turn it down, but last time you just stared at me blankly. Please STFU!!!!
Thank you....
Yer very sleepy neighbour!0 -
Dear Big Leather Recliner,
I am so jealous of the power you have over my husband! For years you have made him so comfortable that no matter what time of day he sits with you, he will instantly fall asleep. The power you have over him and my unwillingness to share him anymore is a getting to be real problem!
Please BLR, understand that I have dishes, laundry, children and meals to deal with, please do me a favor and if you see him falling asleep, can you give him a little tickle - (or full on electrical shock!)?
You are a very nice Recliner and I would hate to see you go, but I am done sharing him with you, I need him back before I lose my sanity. Its either you or me, there is not room in this house for both us!
The Wife
I think yer husband and my boyfriend share the same brain!0 -
Dear Cat,
Shut the hell up. Seriously. I think there is something wrong with your little cat brain. Cat's are not supposed to talk so much. Now that you weigh 45 lbs and look like jaba the hut, you are not so cute. No, I will not give you any more food. You have a whole bowl of cat food sitting right there in front of you. Eat it and get out. Go peruse the neighborhood or something.
Love,
The two legged
Dear Husband,
I love you but I hate your boat. Please get your stupid, ugly, gigantic boat out of our driveway. You are not Captain Sig. You should not park an ocean liner in front of our house. Its tacky. Also, you should get the 5 crab pots that you NEVER use out from the side of our house. While you are at it, get rid of a few of the 5,000 fishing reels you keep in our garage. Why do you store these things here? Why are you so obsessed with fishing? Your not even good at it. No, I don't want to go fishing next weekend. Or the weekend after that. Please don't ask me any more. If you weren't so anal when you are playing Captain Sig more of your friends would go with you. Get a new hobby. Please.
Love,
Wife
Dear Young Trainer,
You are hot! Its strange, though, that at 28 I'm too old to be attracted to you. What are you, like, 18? Did you parents have to drive you to work? No matter. You are still hot.
Love,
Old Lady that Likes to Stare0 -
Dear MFP et al:
This is the hardest thing I have ever done that doesn't involve someone dying on you. There are times when i feel like I'm alone in this. And I come here and you are always here for me. Your line is never busy.... your never away on holidays and you don't charge by the hour to listen. I feel thankful everyday as I struggle not to eat chocolate, or a croissant to have you. Sometimes I get jealous of others progress... I'm not ashamed to say it... but I'm trying not to and to be inspired. Sometimes its easy and sometimes its hard and I still haven't figured out why that changes. But thank you.... all of you....
___________
Dear Candy bar vending machine that was just placed outside my office door:
YOU shall not pass!!!! I hear you, in your best Barry White voice, calling me. "Hey baby, you know you want me." Every day. YES I WANT YOU... it's the truth. But if you think I'm going to slide money down you and rip you clothes off, well, you might very well be right. But not today, my friend. Not today.
_____________
Dear Nice Skinny girl in the office next door who can eat anything(and does and reminds me) :
I know you screw around with Barry White all the time, but you can't spell and need microwave popcorn instructions explained to you. So there. I'll lose this weight, but you'll still be the village idiot.
_______________
Dear Husband: I love you but I resent that you are skinny. It's no effort for you and it makes me crazy. I know you try to be supportive and sometimes that makes me crazy too. You can't win and I know you know that because you are a card carrying member of the man union and you get how this game works. I love you.... but don't ever bring Cadbury mini eggs in the house again or I will kick your skinny *kitten*.
You think you can hide them? Puh-lease. I'm like chocolate spider-woman - my spidey sense tingles when the chocolate gets near. Be warned. 0 -
Dear Mom,
You know i love you but you also need to know it hurts my feelings when you comment on my weight! Your reverse psycology is not working ..... when i tell you i have lost weight and you say dont worry youll find it again ... It doesnt make me want to NOT gain it back, it just makes me angry that you would say that. When i say i want to lose more weight and you say welll duhhh just stop eating... thats not really practical is it? I know you are one of those stupid skinny people who can eat anything and not gain, but apparently i got my grandmas genes and i cant help that. Trust me mom i didnt choose to be fat, perhaps i didnt help it along the way, but perhaps your comments didnt help either. I am just hoping that in the future you will be more considerate of my feelings ...
babys got back
j~0 -
Dear Cool Teenagers,
We get it. We really do. You're young and you want ALL of the attention, afterall, it's all about you, right? The only thing that I'm asking is, when you're rolling down the street in your convertible VW bug at 2:00 in the afternoon, would you just turn the music down? My 2 year old is sleeping and I want her to continue to do so until she wakes on her own. I've been up since 5:30 myself and would appreciate a little downtime. Your friends who are impressed by the bass vibrating your windows are back in the high school parking lot.
Thanks.
Your stogy old neighborhood mother
Dear 2 year old,
I love you so much. I'm your mother and I'm trying to make a good life for you. You don't have to scream and cry each time I try to feed you, dress you, bathe you, put your hair in a ponytail or lay you down for a nap. I know I turned into the dumbest woman alive when I gave birth to you. Most mothers do. I love you so much and wouldn't trade you for anything, but do you think that you could tone down your terrible two's today?
Love,
Your mother who really knows more than you think she does0 -
Dear IRS,
Yes, it is me again. I wanted to write you this time to say thanks for sending me my refund today. That's right, i'm saying thanks! It only took 11 weeks, not too shabby. :sick: I'm waiting for my rebate money now, anyday now would be nice. I have things to buy.
Thanks,
The chick that called last week asking where the heck her refund was and why it took 11 weeks to hit my account!0 -
Dear BFF,
I don't care if you want to loose 5 pounds. Get over yourself!
______________________________
Dear Six Brats and Mute Teacher from the field trip the other day,
I'm sorry but you all have got some serious problems. You were absolute monsters on the bus!!! Your parents should be ashamed of your behavior, so should you, and your blind, deaf, teacher who sat comfortably at the back of the bus. Your jumping over the seats, kicking each other, kicking the seats, throwing things, knuckle bleeding fight, screaming, running, pushing, shoving, screeching, belching, farting, and unbearable behavior is an absolute outrage! I am sick of kids getting away with being brats when they are just spoiled monsters who are out of control. The 6 hour trip was so bad, several kids went home with headaches, and the kids you were kicking went home ill. I was furious that drinks and food were spilt all over the bus to clean up. It's humiliating! Although I controlled the class I was in charge of, you all dumping your things all over the isles was unacceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if that bus driver quit after that trip. You all just flat out are brats!
Not thrilled!
The woman who almost jumped off the bus.0 -
Dear Big Leather Recliner,
I am so jealous of the power you have over my husband! For years you have made him so comfortable that no matter what time of day he sits with you, he will instantly fall asleep. The power you have over him and my unwillingness to share him anymore is a getting to be real problem!
Please BLR, understand that I have dishes, laundry, children and meals to deal with, please do me a favor and if you see him falling asleep, can you give him a little tickle - (or full on electrical shock!)?
You are a very nice Recliner and I would hate to see you go, but I am done sharing him with you, I need him back before I lose my sanity. Its either you or me, there is not room in this house for both us!
The Wife
I think yer husband and my boyfriend share the same brain!
I think I am related to your husband and boyfriend. I am so sorry wife I'll work on it.0 -
Dear people ahead of me at the grocery store,
The line is long, and there are three of you, do you think you could help the lonely cashier with bagging your $500.00 worth of groceries instead of standing there gossiping?
Signed, Annonymous
PS- Have you ever heard of fruit? It is much better than all the crap you are buying.0
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