Is Partying Worth It?
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malavika413 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
that's seriously *kitten* upmalavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
unless you have some religious reason for thinking this (in which case I respect that)... outfits are NOT an issue with women either.malavika413 wrote: »Also, outfits aren't really an issue with men, so he doesn't ask me if something is okay to wear--whereas I do that with him. I don't want him to feel I look indecent in public.
Not a religious issue, but I grew up in a conservative household. My father bought all my clothes--including prom dresses. Now that I'm away I've bought a couple outfits he wouldn't have liked, but I still am nervous to wear them because BF is just as conservative. They're just clothes in the end, not worth ruining a relationship. Maybe I'll have a chance to wear them someday.
The fact that my dad bought my clothes (because that's common in my culture) or that I'm reluctant to wear a couple of revealing dresses? I'm not trying to goad you, I'm just curious--I don't often hear this point of view.
What is your culture?
I am Indian, born and raised in America. BF is an Irish Catholic. My parents are actually much less conservative than typical Indian parents--at least they let me go to prom and pick out a few dress options. Dad had the final say, though. They're fine with my relationship, btw.malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ok I'm sorry, I didn't realise that in might be an Indian cultural thing. I guess that is hard to reconcile with other cultures.
That's all good then
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malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ah and now we're back to not wanting to be a grown up...0 -
bye then- hope you get to party one day
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TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ah and now we're back to not wanting to be a grown up...
Definitely right about that. I dislike college and getting older, and I guess it manifests itself in many different ways. I've never really had to make any decisions, so having to make some (even insignificant things like partying or wearing a certain outfit) is difficult.0 -
Never went to a college party, and I've never ever regretted it. Also, BONUS, I've never been arrested for underage drinking! If you're going to start drinking underage, which I don't think anyone here would recommend since that would be encouraging illegal activity, you may wish to do so in safe place with trusted people that will take care of you if something bad happens (AKA, not at a giant party where there may be predators to take advantage of you). Also, you should always have a designated, non-drinking driver if you are driving to a location... It's OK not to "party" with total strangers but you should find ways to have fun on your own terms. As a working adult, my female friends have told me that they wish they had made better decisions when they were younger and stayed away from the partying and hooking up culture. Keep in mind that the most important thing is your health, your safety, and your self-respect.0
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Never went to a college party, and I've never ever regretted it. Also, BONUS, I've never been arrested for underage drinking! If you're going to start drinking underage, which I don't think anyone here would recommend since that would be encouraging illegal activity, you may wish to do so in safe place with trusted people that will take care of you if something bad happens (AKA, not at a giant party where there may be predators to take advantage of you). Also, you should always have a designated, non-drinking driver if you are driving to a location... It's OK not to "party" with total strangers but you should find ways to have fun on your own terms. As a working adult, my female friends have told me that they wish they had made better decisions when they were younger and stayed away from the partying and hooking up culture. Keep in mind that the most important thing is your health, your safety, and your self-respect.
It's taken me a long time to realize this, but I don't really want to go to parties. It's just that college hasn't been all that fun, and I'm wondering if what I'm missing is the party atmosphere. I don't really have ways to "have fun on my own terms", at least now that I'm away from home.0 -
malavika413 wrote: »I don't really have ways to "have fun on my own terms", at least now that I'm away from home.
Are there any interfaith groups at your school? What about bands and concerts? Do you have hobbies that you could form friends around, and, if not, why not work on developing some fun hobbies? There are lots of ways to have fun other than big parties. Bowling? Line dancing? Ice/roller skating? Book clubs? Model rockets? Volunteering to help at risk youth? It sounds like you need to find some social groups that share your interests. Or, you could get a job that you enjoy at your school and start forming social bonds through your job. 0 -
malavika413 wrote: »
It's taken me a long time to realize this, but I don't really want to go to parties. It's just that college hasn't been all that fun, and I'm wondering if what I'm missing is the party atmosphere. I don't really have ways to "have fun on my own terms", at least now that I'm away from home.
College can be a lot of fun, or it can be high school with higher rent it just depends on how involved or how social you feel like being. I realize it's the end of a semester at this point but are there any groups on campus that interest you? Are there any upcoming events or intramural sports you may be interested in? Have you spent much time exploring the surrounding area if you are living away from home/areas you've explored before. Have you looked into volunteering? Or just checked the boards for people with similar interests? Maybe try something totally new, if it looks appealing. It doesn't need to be drinking or even partying, maybe just go to the student center and play pool or ping pong or whatever they have at your school.
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Never have a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.0
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amy0louise wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
that's seriously *kitten* upmalavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
unless you have some religious reason for thinking this (in which case I respect that)... outfits are NOT an issue with women either.malavika413 wrote: »Also, outfits aren't really an issue with men, so he doesn't ask me if something is okay to wear--whereas I do that with him. I don't want him to feel I look indecent in public.
Not a religious issue, but I grew up in a conservative household. My father bought all my clothes--including prom dresses. Now that I'm away I've bought a couple outfits he wouldn't have liked, but I still am nervous to wear them because BF is just as conservative. They're just clothes in the end, not worth ruining a relationship. Maybe I'll have a chance to wear them someday.
The fact that my dad bought my clothes (because that's common in my culture) or that I'm reluctant to wear a couple of revealing dresses? I'm not trying to goad you, I'm just curious--I don't often hear this point of view.
What is your culture?
I am Indian, born and raised in America. BF is an Irish Catholic. My parents are actually much less conservative than typical Indian parents--at least they let me go to prom and pick out a few dress options. Dad had the final say, though. They're fine with my relationship, btw.malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ok I'm sorry, I didn't realise that in might be an Indian cultural thing. I guess that is hard to reconcile with other cultures.
That's all good then
The idea of a man picking out clothes was a culture shock to read for sure. I can't imagine anyone being less interested in what I wear than my dad was. My mom would pick out clothes sometimes but leave on the tags so I could return them if I didn't like them. I've mostly picked out and paid for my own clothing since I was a teen. My husband's level of involvement with my clothes is making sure the I made the charges if it's a store he hasn't heard of or seen on the bill previously. That really was strange to read.
I suppose coming from such a patriarchal culture would make it a little harder to enjoy or even know what to do with your newfound independence.0 -
malavika413 wrote: »I don't really have ways to "have fun on my own terms", at least now that I'm away from home.
Are there any interfaith groups at your school? What about bands and concerts? Do you have hobbies that you could form friends around, and, if not, why not work on developing some fun hobbies? There are lots of ways to have fun other than big parties. Bowling? Line dancing? Ice/roller skating? Book clubs? Model rockets? Volunteering to help at risk youth? It sounds like you need to find some social groups that share your interests. Or, you could get a job that you enjoy at your school and start forming social bonds through your job.
I'm in one club and I have a part-time job. There are many things I'd love to try--dancing, playing instruments, crafts, etc. But I'm very wary about trying new things. I don't have many talents, and I hate failing at things.0 -
sheepotato wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
that's seriously *kitten* upmalavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
unless you have some religious reason for thinking this (in which case I respect that)... outfits are NOT an issue with women either.malavika413 wrote: »Also, outfits aren't really an issue with men, so he doesn't ask me if something is okay to wear--whereas I do that with him. I don't want him to feel I look indecent in public.
Not a religious issue, but I grew up in a conservative household. My father bought all my clothes--including prom dresses. Now that I'm away I've bought a couple outfits he wouldn't have liked, but I still am nervous to wear them because BF is just as conservative. They're just clothes in the end, not worth ruining a relationship. Maybe I'll have a chance to wear them someday.
The fact that my dad bought my clothes (because that's common in my culture) or that I'm reluctant to wear a couple of revealing dresses? I'm not trying to goad you, I'm just curious--I don't often hear this point of view.
What is your culture?
I am Indian, born and raised in America. BF is an Irish Catholic. My parents are actually much less conservative than typical Indian parents--at least they let me go to prom and pick out a few dress options. Dad had the final say, though. They're fine with my relationship, btw.malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ok I'm sorry, I didn't realise that in might be an Indian cultural thing. I guess that is hard to reconcile with other cultures.
That's all good then
The idea of a man picking out clothes was a culture shock to read for sure. I can't imagine anyone being less interested in what I wear than my dad was. My mom would pick out clothes sometimes but leave on the tags so I could return them if I didn't like them. I've mostly picked out and paid for my own clothing since I was a teen. My husband's level of involvement with my clothes is making sure the I made the charges if it's a store he hasn't heard of or seen on the bill previously. That really was strange to read.
I suppose coming from such a patriarchal culture would make it a little harder to enjoy or even know what to do with your newfound independence.
Well, I mean, I always went with him--he didn't come home with clothes for me. But since I can't drive and I never had a source of money, he bought everything. It was less patriarchal and more him wanting me to be modest and decent.0 -
I have done it ALL. I am now in my 40's. A lot of what you do (now I know that I am getting old - LOL) has to do with how you have grown up. It sounds like 1) you are in a very awesome relationship that could or is long term 2) you are very conscience about others feelings towards those you love 3) you are just curious and want to experience something new rather it be just one time or something you like and would like to manage having some fun, wear pretty cute clothes 4) have the option to choose something you want for yourself like buying yourself a present.
If all of the above is true than honesty is always the best policy. If the above is not correct than there is something wrong with any relationship you may be choosing deceit over honesty. You are entitled as a young woman or man, to choose anything that you feel you want to do for yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a party, getting dressed up in something sexy, pretty (make you feel pretty what ever that is) and tasting alcohol. You will know it alcohol is right for you or not. After the first, second, third sip or three too many drinks. Having a great time is not against the law and encouraged - it helps you find yourself and what you may or may not like... just don't have too good of a time if it is against your morals, and deceives the one you truly love... Unless you are looking for something that will end something great..
For me, I partied, I got it out of system. A lot great, and some bad times (too many hangovers not worth the trouble, jealous boys, the whole nine yards.. Would not take one minute of it away.. I came, I saw and I got the tee shirt...0 -
malavika413 wrote: »sheepotato wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
that's seriously *kitten* upmalavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
unless you have some religious reason for thinking this (in which case I respect that)... outfits are NOT an issue with women either.malavika413 wrote: »Also, outfits aren't really an issue with men, so he doesn't ask me if something is okay to wear--whereas I do that with him. I don't want him to feel I look indecent in public.
Not a religious issue, but I grew up in a conservative household. My father bought all my clothes--including prom dresses. Now that I'm away I've bought a couple outfits he wouldn't have liked, but I still am nervous to wear them because BF is just as conservative. They're just clothes in the end, not worth ruining a relationship. Maybe I'll have a chance to wear them someday.
The fact that my dad bought my clothes (because that's common in my culture) or that I'm reluctant to wear a couple of revealing dresses? I'm not trying to goad you, I'm just curious--I don't often hear this point of view.
What is your culture?
I am Indian, born and raised in America. BF is an Irish Catholic. My parents are actually much less conservative than typical Indian parents--at least they let me go to prom and pick out a few dress options. Dad had the final say, though. They're fine with my relationship, btw.malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ok I'm sorry, I didn't realise that in might be an Indian cultural thing. I guess that is hard to reconcile with other cultures.
That's all good then
The idea of a man picking out clothes was a culture shock to read for sure. I can't imagine anyone being less interested in what I wear than my dad was. My mom would pick out clothes sometimes but leave on the tags so I could return them if I didn't like them. I've mostly picked out and paid for my own clothing since I was a teen. My husband's level of involvement with my clothes is making sure the I made the charges if it's a store he hasn't heard of or seen on the bill previously. That really was strange to read.
I suppose coming from such a patriarchal culture would make it a little harder to enjoy or even know what to do with your newfound independence.
Well, I mean, I always went with him--he didn't come home with clothes for me. But since I can't drive and I never had a source of money, he bought everything. It was less patriarchal and more him wanting me to be modest and decent.
I can understand that, I think every father would prefer that his daughter dress modestly but very few get to actually have a say in what their daughters wear. It makes since if the two of you shopped together, before I was old enough to work or drive my parents took me shopping.
Not driving would have really put a damper on college for me (assuming you still do not drive) so you are pretty much stuck on campus all the time?
This is to your previous post, but having fun is about not being afraid to fail. Laughing off how bad you are at something you haven't tried or done much is the first step to getting better at it. The first time I ever stepped on ice wearing ice skates I fell right on my butt in front of my all friends that were there and we laughed about it then I got up and enjoyed the rest of the day. A few of them slipped later and it since no one was badly hurt it was just funny when it would happen.
Seriously, don't be afraid to try new things because you don't know rather or not you will be good at them.0 -
sheepotato wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »sheepotato wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
that's seriously *kitten* upmalavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »
unless you have some religious reason for thinking this (in which case I respect that)... outfits are NOT an issue with women either.malavika413 wrote: »Also, outfits aren't really an issue with men, so he doesn't ask me if something is okay to wear--whereas I do that with him. I don't want him to feel I look indecent in public.
Not a religious issue, but I grew up in a conservative household. My father bought all my clothes--including prom dresses. Now that I'm away I've bought a couple outfits he wouldn't have liked, but I still am nervous to wear them because BF is just as conservative. They're just clothes in the end, not worth ruining a relationship. Maybe I'll have a chance to wear them someday.
The fact that my dad bought my clothes (because that's common in my culture) or that I'm reluctant to wear a couple of revealing dresses? I'm not trying to goad you, I'm just curious--I don't often hear this point of view.
What is your culture?
I am Indian, born and raised in America. BF is an Irish Catholic. My parents are actually much less conservative than typical Indian parents--at least they let me go to prom and pick out a few dress options. Dad had the final say, though. They're fine with my relationship, btw.malavika413 wrote: »amy0louise wrote: »Do what you want, whatever. I guess my main point is maybe consider the fact that men don't have the right to control women.
I understand that. BF doesn't control me--in fact, sometimes he gets uncomfortable when I ask for permission. But I'm much more comfortable that way, saves me from making too many decisions.
Ok I'm sorry, I didn't realise that in might be an Indian cultural thing. I guess that is hard to reconcile with other cultures.
That's all good then
The idea of a man picking out clothes was a culture shock to read for sure. I can't imagine anyone being less interested in what I wear than my dad was. My mom would pick out clothes sometimes but leave on the tags so I could return them if I didn't like them. I've mostly picked out and paid for my own clothing since I was a teen. My husband's level of involvement with my clothes is making sure the I made the charges if it's a store he hasn't heard of or seen on the bill previously. That really was strange to read.
I suppose coming from such a patriarchal culture would make it a little harder to enjoy or even know what to do with your newfound independence.
Well, I mean, I always went with him--he didn't come home with clothes for me. But since I can't drive and I never had a source of money, he bought everything. It was less patriarchal and more him wanting me to be modest and decent.
I can understand that, I think every father would prefer that his daughter dress modestly but very few get to actually have a say in what their daughters wear. It makes since if the two of you shopped together, before I was old enough to work or drive my parents took me shopping.
Not driving would have really put a damper on college for me (assuming you still do not drive) so you are pretty much stuck on campus all the time?
This is to your previous post, but having fun is about not being afraid to fail. Laughing off how bad you are at something you haven't tried or done much is the first step to getting better at it. The first time I ever stepped on ice wearing ice skates I fell right on my butt in front of my all friends that were there and we laughed about it then I got up and enjoyed the rest of the day. A few of them slipped later and it since no one was badly hurt it was just funny when it would happen.
Seriously, don't be afraid to try new things because you don't know rather or not you will be good at them.
Thanks for the advice. This is the source of most of my arguments with BF--being afraid to try new things. He's been trying to take me ice skating or to try video games or to join new clubs, but I refuse, so we spend every weekend watching netflix or doing homework.
Yep, still can't drive. My campus is in a very small town, so it's not like there's much to do anyway. I don't know anyone with a car, either--I don't have a lot of friends.0 -
I have done it ALL. I am now in my 40's. A lot of what you do (now I know that I am getting old - LOL) has to do with how you have grown up. It sounds like 1) you are in a very awesome relationship that could or is long term 2) you are very conscience about others feelings towards those you love 3) you are just curious and want to experience something new rather it be just one time or something you like and would like to manage having some fun, wear pretty cute clothes 4) have the option to choose something you want for yourself like buying yourself a present.
If all of the above is true than honesty is always the best policy. If the above is not correct than there is something wrong with any relationship you may be choosing deceit over honesty. You are entitled as a young woman or man, to choose anything that you feel you want to do for yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a party, getting dressed up in something sexy, pretty (make you feel pretty what ever that is) and tasting alcohol. You will know it alcohol is right for you or not. After the first, second, third sip or three too many drinks. Having a great time is not against the law and encouraged - it helps you find yourself and what you may or may not like... just don't have too good of a time if it is against your morals, and deceives the one you truly love... Unless you are looking for something that will end something great..
For me, I partied, I got it out of system. A lot great, and some bad times (too many hangovers not worth the trouble, jealous boys, the whole nine yards.. Would not take one minute of it away.. I came, I saw and I got the tee shirt...
Your first paragraph is spot on. My relationship is wonderful and we both want to get married soon after graduation. As a result, I don't want to slight him or disrespect him. I am very curious about trying new things but I'm afraid of embarrassing myself--comes down to extremely low self-esteem, which I've had forever.0 -
To recap
1. You have low-self esteem
2. You got a bf that is Irish Catholic who doesn't feel comfortable giving you permission to do things, and does his own thing
3. Your parents pick out your clothes, with your dad having final say, but you still feel those clothes run against your culture
4. You don't want to take responsibility or be a grown-up
5. You started this thread because you are desperate for attention and have no intention of going to a party
You need to go see a counselor/psychiatrist to talk things over.0 -
malavika413 wrote: »Thanks for the advice. This is the source of most of my arguments with BF--being afraid to try new things. He's been trying to take me ice skating or to try video games or to join new clubs, but I refuse...
Stop refusing! You have to try things and fail often to get better! I know it's hard to fail, but it's totally worth it to gain new skills, to have fun, and to be proud of what you can do. Failing is necessary to move forward. Get out there, and do stuff!
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fearlessleader104 wrote: »To recap
1. You have low-self esteem
2. You got a bf that is Irish Catholic who doesn't feel comfortable giving you permission to do things, and does his own thing
3. Your parents pick out your clothes, with your dad having final say, but you still feel those clothes run against your culture
4. You don't want to take responsibility or be a grown-up
5. You started this thread because you are desperate for attention and have no intention of going to a party
You need to go see a counselor/psychiatrist to talk things over.
Unfortunately you're pretty much spot on I think.0 -
fearlessleader104 wrote: »To recap
1. You have low-self esteem
2. You got a bf that is Irish Catholic who doesn't feel comfortable giving you permission to do things, and does his own thing
3. Your parents pick out your clothes, with your dad having final say, but you still feel those clothes run against your culture
4. You don't want to take responsibility or be a grown-up
5. You started this thread because you are desperate for attention and have no intention of going to a party
You need to go see a counselor/psychiatrist to talk things over.
0
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