Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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berlynnwall wrote: »
ETA: I "learned" to date in my 40's. I never "dated" like that before, I didn't know how to do it. It was so fun and cool (and scary) to discover so much about myself. I was always 100% myself and clear that I was looking for a good relationship. I did work hard on keeping good boundaries and only dating men who didn't raise red flags.
What are some red flags for people?
The one's I really looked for:
Very angry/resentful toward someone (i.e., ex, mother, sibling, etc.) even if deserved it should not come out in date #1 or #2.
Pushing for "cuddles" or anything else very quickly.
Not understanding what an appropriate level of activity for a first or second date would be (i.e. writing a song for me after one email exchange, planning a weekend away in another state for a second date.)
Not having an appropriate job for his age (i.e. I am in the middle age dating pool, I want to date someone not support him financially.)
What other red flags come to mind?
For me, a big one would be either consuming too much alcohol in my presence or having way too many "funny" stories about stupid things done while drunk.
And indications of financial irresponsibility (also middle aged here). Like I dated one guy who told me he'd once had his water turned off because he hadn't been able to pay his bill.
Oh gosh, yes. When I was a young single mom starting to date again, one guy kept me on the phone for 40 minutes telling me all about how he beat up some guy at a bar while drinking because that guy disrespected him. He acted like I was supposed to be impressed, but I was seriously turned off by that. I had a young child, I didn't want to date some guy who flies off the handle randomly in public.
yeah that would be really scary, i think, because how would you know what his drunken face considered "disrepectful?"
my drunken "funny" stories usually have something to do with me walking plankton to the gas station, making friends with an elderly woman that won a bunch of money on a scratch off and getting her to "sign the back! sign the back!" so no one could use the ticket but her. or making friends with another woman who MUST show me all the pics of her dogs on her phone. or walking plankton to the grocery store for crackers and coming out with four different type of oreos.
i think plankton is a bad influence.
That darn Plankton!! Funny stuff
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So many things to comment on, I've lost track..
@orangesmartie, I support you and your relationship and find it very interesting to hear about. I totally rooting for you guys to all get on the same page! Hope it happens soon!
@LH85DC, take a break...relax and get back to it when you are ready!
I love roller coaster and amusement park rides...but I can't help but think about bad things happening almost the entire time I'm riding them...I'm a worry wart...but still love them!
You guys can be happy that you'll never have to hear me talk about my Blizzard situation again after this post because I got them both today...one brownie batter and one reeses pb cup...I ate them both...for lunch. I am 69 calories in the red but after my walk this afternoon and running around outside with my son, I will have earned enough calories for a light dinner. No regrets!
I know I'm forgetting to comment on other stuff...???0 -
orangesmartie wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »orangesmartie wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »orangesmartie wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »orangesmartie wrote: »So, bad news: woke up feeling bleurgh today. Currently sitting in Krispy Kreme with a doughnut and a latte. Good news: I bought three, have eaten one, don't want the other two. Sucks to be me: on my way to work
How are things going with the boyfriend? You mentioned that it "imploded" and never went any further.
Its still broken. We called a truce over the weekend, due to travelling and climbing. But *shrug* we're talking, not sure whats going to happen
I am sorry. How is the girlfriend doing? You did advise that when one component is broken they all are. Because I am unbelievably nosy what is the issue. You kind of indicated it was minor but it seems to be escalating.
Beware, this is long - and remember you did ask!
To be honest, I am struggling with where I go from here. I love both of them very much, but he has totally devastated me with these things, after 3 years together.
Obviously this is a condensed version, but I don’t know what else to say.
I am so sorry. I confess I always wondered how a threesome could truly have an equal relationship, if you recall early on I said I didn't think I could handle it at all, I would always be insecure in that situation. But now that you are well into it and all of you love each other, I wonder if counseling for all of you would work? He sounds like he has a lot of issues period, which he needs to work on and which affect all 3 of you. Certainly spending the night at a Starbucks is not healthy for you. Read Susie's later post on taking care of yourself... you need to do that first and foremost. You will never be happy in this relationship if you are not happy with yourself. Then and only then can you make a relationship equitable and work...and you have 2/3 to make work which is incredibly difficult, I would imagine.
Hugs to you and feel free to message me anytime you need a sympathetic ear. Without much productive advice I an afraid. XOXOXOX
It can work, its just difficult. Triadic relationships such as ours are rare, because, its generally not easy to find two other people that you fall in love with, who also fall in love with each other.
I think when i say equal, i don't mean equal in terms of how much you love someone, but more, that you view the relationships as equally important. I love both my partners, but for different reasons. I have never tried to quantify it (i love Mrs more than Mr for example). I just know that i love them both, very much. I guess its the same as having more than one child. You generally love them for all their quirks and faults, and don't think i love X more than Y.
He does have issues and we are trying to support him in working on them, he let them slide when he started this new job and we're back to telling him it is essential. I have suggested group counselling, but trying to find a counsellor that can deal with our dynamic is tough.
Staying at starbucks wasn't my first choice, but all the hotels were full, so it seemed the safest option, well lit, toilets, drinks, CCTV. It wasn't like i was going to get a lot of sleep anyway. Next time, i'll book a hotel before storming out
The thing is, when we're all working and pulling in the same direction, our relationships are absolutely amazing, so easy and comfortable. we all get on so well, have such similar views on things and can spend hours having random conversations, about not very much. We've even designed our dream house (for when we win the lottery) to the extent of getting out a laptop and drawing floorplans in paint. We have been friends a very long time and i think perhaps what we have is more a difference in language X means Y to me, but him it means Z. I need to clarify this, and will be doing so this weekend. Equally, when things go wrong, they go spectacularly wrong.
I have to say, I really appreciate all of you letting me vent here, even though i'm sure most of you are horrified at the situation and i'm not making it look any better but it is helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings, without getting into that nasty internal negative spiral.
i am not horrified by any means.
i'm more concerned with your well being and want to make sure you're ok.
i admire you, actually. i know i have way too many personal issues (including jealousy) to even try to make that work.
^ +1 (((hugs))) if you need them0 -
WestCoastJo82 wrote: »WestCoastJo82 wrote: »That sewing machine! I want!
Mine is just a basic little Brother but it is pale pink - I can't claim responsibility for that though as it was my mother's before she decided she needed a fancier one.
I'm glad you all understand my feelings about frying food in the house. Soooo stinky. We don't have an exhaust fan over our stove either (or anywhere in the kitchen), so everything I cook lingers unless I open the windows. Not too practical in our minus 40 degree winters either as it's a recipe for a burst water pipe.
The smell of Saturday morning bacon haunts me all weekend, too, it's terrible.
So this doesn't help in the winter, but fry outside! I used to have a fry daddy that I could plug in, so I would plug it into the outdoor outlet and fry away. I'm debating setting up my camping stove outside the next time I do fried chicken to keep the fry smell outside, and I feel like that should work as well.
Re gross girls: I was an odd combination of total tomboy that loved to get dirty and rough house, but I would do it while wearing the most frilly dresses possible. My face and hair was always a super-mess though.
My daughters hair!.... I brush it constantly. Knotted up. I keep pushing her to be more SELF AWARE and start doing things for herself and without prompts. The struggle is real.
I will say I am quite proficient at simple braids though. I need to learn to french braid.
Yeah, I'm sure my hair embarrassed my parents. I would brush it sometimes, but it just would get crazy tangled anyway.
Mastering the braid will do wonders for you - I'm 33 and until I chopped all my hair off (pixie cut for the win!), my hair lived in a messy bun. I never really figured the hair thing out.
BTW - awesome on the amusement park NSV! I LOVE roller coasters.
Thanks! Worst times are after swimming or after waking up. I've made it a habit to braid her hair after her shower or before bedtime and that helps a LOT the next day.
I love coasters, too! The BEST part is Kings Dominion is a mere <15 minutes from home. We get season passes every year and we burn em up! It also has a water park inside so we often go swim then dry off by riding coasters before we leave. We also have a Busch Gardens-Water Country less than an hour away as well. Blessed!
Coaster fiend here. We have been known to book holidays based on what coasters were nearby. We were lucky enough to visit Ceder Point in Ohio a few years ago which I loved. I'd love to go back but it's a bit of a trek from the UK! Our most local proper coaster park is Alton Towers. Unfortunately there was a crash there on the Smiler last month and two teenagers had to have legs amputated! Hasn't put me off since I believe it to be a one-off and I'm sorry for those teens, but I'm sad the coaster will inevitably go - I've ridden it and it was a fun one!
That reminds me. Does anyone ever go to that site RideAccidents.com? It has stories like that on there. They are scary.
However, I love going to the amusement park as well and LOVE coasters. I haven't been in a long time.
I could never go there because I love coasters and if I went and read all the horror stories I wouldn't get on one ever again, so I stay away!0 -
kelly_c_77 wrote: »So many things to comment on, I've lost track..
@orangesmartie, I support you and your relationship and find it very interesting to hear about. I totally rooting for you guys to all get on the same page! Hope it happens soon!
@LH85DC, take a break...relax and get back to it when you are ready!
I love roller coaster and amusement park rides...but I can't help but think about bad things happening almost the entire time I'm riding them...I'm a worry wart...but still love them!
You guys can be happy that you'll never have to hear me talk about my Blizzard situation again after this post because I got them both today...one brownie batter and one reeses pb cup...I ate them both...for lunch. I am 69 calories in the red but after my walk this afternoon and running around outside with my son, I will have earned enough calories for a light dinner. No regrets!
I know I'm forgetting to comment on other stuff...???
I'm so jealous sometimes of you guys that can eat ice cream! Man that sounds SO awesome!0 -
riderfangal wrote: »The current term at Hogwarts has just finished and new enrolments are starting now, for anyone who's interested:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10206199/hogwarts-weight-loss-challenge
LOVE HP
I think I'm most excited about London as I get to go to HP world and see all the toursity HP sites like Platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross Station, woot woot!!!
@LBuehrle8 I am so jealous. I love love love HP. I just finished rereading the series about a month ago!
SUCH GOOD BOOKS...yes deserved all caps, LOVE!0 -
So sorry - that must be very hard. This is another reason why nobody should ask anyone about their family size/structure. It can be an extremely sensitive issue. If someone wants to talk about it, they will.A while back, we were talking about kids and having an only child, I mentioned that I only have the one daughter and got grief about not having more kids. Well, there's more to the story-
When I married my current husband, my daughter was 13 and living pretty much with her dad. I was 42, DH was 37. He had never been married before and wanted children. I got pregnant pretty quickly after we got married. We were ecstatic. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We were devastated. It didn't help matters that my daughter got pregnant at 14 and it seemed like everyone was having babies but me. (It took me a long time for me to be able to even look at a baby without crying.) By the time we felt like we were ready to try again, it was too late- early menopause. It is still hard for me to talk about, and he is still bitter about it.
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I thought of you when I posted this! But then I knew you were going away and it might not be the best time to start a challenge.The current term at Hogwarts has just finished and new enrolments are starting now, for anyone who's interested:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10206199/hogwarts-weight-loss-challenge
LOVE HP I think I'm most excited about London as I get to go to HP world and see all the toursity HP sites like Platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross Station, woot woot!!!
Good call, I didn't even think of that, whoops! I'm going to enjoy myself while over there but try not to do too much damage
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@LBuehrle8 just hit Ohio! Waving!0
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xLoveLikeWinterx wrote: »kelly_c_77 wrote: »So many things to comment on, I've lost track..
@orangesmartie, I support you and your relationship and find it very interesting to hear about. I totally rooting for you guys to all get on the same page! Hope it happens soon!
@LH85DC, take a break...relax and get back to it when you are ready!
I love roller coaster and amusement park rides...but I can't help but think about bad things happening almost the entire time I'm riding them...I'm a worry wart...but still love them!
You guys can be happy that you'll never have to hear me talk about my Blizzard situation again after this post because I got them both today...one brownie batter and one reeses pb cup...I ate them both...for lunch. I am 69 calories in the red but after my walk this afternoon and running around outside with my son, I will have earned enough calories for a light dinner. No regrets!
I know I'm forgetting to comment on other stuff...???
I'm so jealous sometimes of you guys that can eat ice cream! Man that sounds SO awesome!
I confess that I'm jealous of the Blizzards too but I can, and absolutely do, eat ice cream...so much ice cream0 -
So sorry - that must be very hard. This is another reason why nobody should ask anyone about their family size/structure. It can be an extremely sensitive issue. If someone wants to talk about it, they will.A while back, we were talking about kids and having an only child, I mentioned that I only have the one daughter and got grief about not having more kids. Well, there's more to the story-
When I married my current husband, my daughter was 13 and living pretty much with her dad. I was 42, DH was 37. He had never been married before and wanted children. I got pregnant pretty quickly after we got married. We were ecstatic. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We were devastated. It didn't help matters that my daughter got pregnant at 14 and it seemed like everyone was having babies but me. (It took me a long time for me to be able to even look at a baby without crying.) By the time we felt like we were ready to try again, it was too late- early menopause. It is still hard for me to talk about, and he is still bitter about it.
Such good advice- I totally agree, it's no one's business why you have n amount of children.0 -
pofoster21 wrote: »@LBuehrle8 just hit Ohio! Waving!
Hi Patricia!!!!0 -
So sorry - that must be very hard. This is another reason why nobody should ask anyone about their family size/structure. It can be an extremely sensitive issue. If someone wants to talk about it, they will.A while back, we were talking about kids and having an only child, I mentioned that I only have the one daughter and got grief about not having more kids. Well, there's more to the story-
When I married my current husband, my daughter was 13 and living pretty much with her dad. I was 42, DH was 37. He had never been married before and wanted children. I got pregnant pretty quickly after we got married. We were ecstatic. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We were devastated. It didn't help matters that my daughter got pregnant at 14 and it seemed like everyone was having babies but me. (It took me a long time for me to be able to even look at a baby without crying.) By the time we felt like we were ready to try again, it was too late- early menopause. It is still hard for me to talk about, and he is still bitter about it.
Yes, very sorry you went through that (((hugs))) and I completely agree that it's hard when people ask about family size.0 -
I think I'm going to make you an HP themed food bingo card. It will have things like Treacle Tart and Bertie Botts, plus stuff you can't miss like fish & chips, pork pie and curry.
I thought of you when I posted this! But then I knew you were going away and it might not be the best time to start a challenge.The current term at Hogwarts has just finished and new enrolments are starting now, for anyone who's interested:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10206199/hogwarts-weight-loss-challenge
LOVE HP I think I'm most excited about London as I get to go to HP world and see all the toursity HP sites like Platform 9 3/4 at Kings Cross Station, woot woot!!!
Good call, I didn't even think of that, whoops! I'm going to enjoy myself while over there but try not to do too much damage
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pofoster21 wrote: »Sigh I pretty much own this page. So for today:
I miss checking in with you guys during the day, I really don't like this posting of stuff all at once, I feel like I miss all the action, but I really do need to focus on work.
Our daily motivations are really starting to work for me. I didn't want to fail again today so I made myself go out at 11:20 to run for 30 minutes so I could keep my commitment.
I liked hot yoga. Sweat like crazy. And the calorie burn can't be beat.
I have a random and rather narcissistic confession. When I run these days I tend to keep touching my sides and my stomach. I love how it feels with all the muscles working and only a little skin and fat under there...and no love handles. When I run with my friend I hope she doesn't notice I do it. Its become almost automatic every few minutes. Kind of weird...but it is motivating for me!
I am one of those people who while running can't help but look into the shop window's because my reflection is there. Yes, I am vain and I like seeing how I look while running lol
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Bleh. Today is just bleh. I'm so sick of being stuck in one place with nothing to do, and I'm starting to get weepy and whiny. Poor Mr. Susie.
On a bright note, today I've been able to use my walker twice, so I'm starting to improve a little.0 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »xLoveLikeWinterx wrote: »kelly_c_77 wrote: »lilaclovebird wrote: »Coastalpath wrote: »This is long so don't expect people to read it - just need to get it out!
Like a lot of other posters here I am going through lots of life stresses at the moment and the last few days have felt very sad, numb and unmotivated. I am ever so slightly eating my feelings 'grief bacon' but am logging it all so I can see it in black and white. My confession today is that I am fed up with never feeling as though I am allowed to be stressed or upset. Work, home, health are all suffering at the moment, but I am just expected to suck it up. If one more person says to me 'it could be worse' I might scream. I am silently screaming and unfortunately the pain is beginning to show on my face. I know things could be worse, just doesn't mean that because someone somewhere has it worse than me that I just have to 'be fine' all the time.
Dealing with mixed emotions is so hard - so happy for friends and loved ones who have fantastic things happening, mixed with my grief and sadness for what I am secretly going through. Not wanting to see friends because I don't want to make them miserable mixed with worrying I am not being a good friend by seeing them and sharing in their joys. Or, worse, that I am making them feel guilty for being happy.
Feels better to 'get it out' but I am so sad at the moment and I just wonder when bad things will stop happening!
Your feelings are valid. What you are going through is real and it is difficult for you. We understand and I am sure we have all been there at some point. You ARE allowed to feel this way and you ARE allowed to vent.
Yup. This! Hugs to you.
Coastal (responding to the first post since I never saw it) I feel the same. I pretty much feel like I'm drowning. I'm expected to be the rock for everyone, and most of the time I stoically am. But times like right now, I just want to scream and cry and throw a fit. I want someone to comfort ME and no one is. I'm supposed to hold it together and do 1,000 different things well every day, without fail or exception.
I joke with people a lot that it sucks to be me, because I don't get a "down day", but it's true. I'm expected to be on point 24/7 and I'm struggling. I get the "count your blessings" and "it could be worse" a LOT. Yes, it could be. In the scheme of things, what bothers me could be construed as petty. It doesn't mean it hurts less or I'm less upset. I am grateful for what I have, but aren't I also allowed to be upset too?!
Warning- the below will make me sound like an ungrateful brat. I know this, but they are MY feelings. I'm working on processing them, but it takes time.
I found out on Saturday that good friends of ours (who have 2 boys about the same age as us) are wanting a 3rd. They want to try for a girl. They previously said they were done but the DH changed his mind. I went upstairs and cried. I have wanted 3 kids since I was little. DH said no, 2 was all he could take. He got a vasectomy last Nov so there will only be 2. I agreed because I don't believe in forcing someone to have more kids if they don't want to. I'm not the only one involved in the decision. DH also swore we could look into adopting, which helped ease my feelings about the V.
I have regretted it EVERY DAY since. When I see parents out with 3 or more kids, I'm envious. If one or more is a girl, I am so jealous. I want a daughter. I always have. I love my boys so much, but there is a part of me that will always hurt because I wanted a girl. Both times, the u/s tech told me they were girls and I was blissful for a few weeks until told they were boys. They will never know. I will NEVER tell them they aren't "enough" for me, because they are. I am grateful they are both here and healthy and I would NOT trade them for anything, but I feel a twinge every time I look at a girl or girl baby. DH has also now decided he doesn't want to adopt, so I feel a bit of a pang of "bait and switch" sometimes when I think about it. Mostly I want 3 kids, but not gonna lie, a girl would be awesome.
I feel so alone, because DH is d-o-n-e. 2 is enough for him, he doesn't remotely want a 3rd. Talking to him about it doesn't help, because he has a hard time sympathizing with me. Ok, so he joked around and said I could get a dog to "mother". I agreed. Now last night he is reneging and saying "well, we can get a dog when we get x, y, and z done around the house". This will literally be YEARS. He knows this. Bait and switch #2.
He also said I could look into getting a new car within the month. So I've been plotting out savings, trade-in value, etc. This past weekend he decided nope, my Jeep runs fine for now and maybe we'll think about it in 6 months. Bait and switch #3.
I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I feel like everything I want always comes last after everyone else, and yes I know this is all first world problems, but right now it's rough. On top of it, I'm dieting strictly, so I think I'm just in a funk and crabby from that too. It's the one thing I feel like I'm succeeding at, though, so I don't want to give it up. I have 10.5 lb to go. I'm SO close. I just want to accomplish Something, ya know?
*ok, sorry for the pathetic vent. Carry on*
I'm sorry, that must be tough.
Mr. Mo has wanted to have another kid pretty much since Rachael was born. I never wanted to have kids (didn't have the best childhood) when we got married, so having one was more than enough for me. Plus, I was in labor for 27 hours and still ended up having an emergency C-section. The thought of having to go through that again, was too much for me.
While we were on vacation, he asked me why we never had another kid because it makes him sad when he sees a family with a couple kids strolling down the beach or sitting together at a restaurant. I didn't really have a great answer besides the ones mentioned above, and I feel guilty for not having more of his babies (we make beautiful kids ). Now, we're both in our late 30's and as far as I'm concerned, that ship has sailed, especially with all the SD drama. But I still feel bad for him, but not bad enough to want to have another kid.
When I married my husband, I had one son and he had three daughters. We never thought of having kids and felt we had enough. I got a dog for our first anniversary; she was our kid . Well fast forward a few years and surprise! at 39 I was pregnant. We weren't trying or trying to avoid it, just happened. I had her after I turned 40. I knew I was done after that, so got that factory shut down. You never know. We love her just as much as any of the others and don't regret a minute of it. After that, his oldest daughter, who is in her 20's, had a little girl about 15 months after we had Olivia. Crazy stuff.
I just turned 40 in March and the idea of dealing with a newborn again scares me to the very fiber of my soul...
Confession: I love my son, but I didn't love the newborn/baby stage all the much. The more independent he becomes, the more I like it.
I completely agree about the newborn stage. She will be five in a couple of weeks and is very independent. It has its moments but I wouldn't trade her or that personality. Very sassy. I tell her dad he gets to deal with her as a teenager or I might kill her.0 -
Glinda1971 wrote: »So confession time:
I've been closing my diary everyday while it looks good and then mindlessly stuffing extra food in my face that I don't want or need.
I've only lost 0.6 of a lb in 2 weeks so I know that has to stop.
I apologize to everyone who has been liking the diary of lies. The only goal I'm setting today is to honestly log everything I stuff in my face.
ETA: just posted that as my status too. I'm actually ashamed of myself.
I've done this too. I log my food and I'm all pleased with myself for such a great day. Then I find myself in the kitchen snacking.
I swear sometimes it feels like I'm doing a math equation - I like to successfully complete it with my macros/calories all nice & pretty, but then I seem to forget I actually have to EAT the food I've logged (and only that food). 0 -
The current term at Hogwarts has just finished and new enrolments are starting now, for anyone who's interested:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10206199/hogwarts-weight-loss-challenge
Well this looks AMAZING! So I signed up, cannot wait 0 -
kellienw335 wrote: »orangesmartie wrote: »I have to say, I really appreciate all of you letting me vent here, even though i'm sure most of you are horrified at the situation and i'm not making it look any better but it is helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings, without getting into that nasty internal negative spiral.
Not horrified! I actually find relationships with multiples, including polygamy, fascinating. It's not for me, but I've researched it quite a bit. The fact that I feel like I kind of know you and really want you guys to be able to work this out and be happy adds a whole new level to my education on the subject. I hope that isn't somehow offensive or insensitive. I'm team Mr Mrs & Ms Orangesmartie all the way!
I agree. While I know it's not for me, I do love to hear about how others live. I appreciate you being so honest and open @orangesmartie without getting defensive about all of our questions!0
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