Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
Replies
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Confession: I’m starting to wonder if kids are really worth the effort.
The last 6 months all I’ve heard is how horrible I was as a child, how much my friend is struggling, how miserable my work colleagues daughter is having 2 sons and expecting twin girls in May, how expensive child care is, and I’m 99% sure DH won’t be as helpful as he says he will be if the time comes.
I’m convincing myself out of children. I don’t really like babies, I spent an entire evening successfully avoiding holding my friends baby. And children don’t like me. I actually had a 4-5 year old boy tell me that he didn’t like me. So I told him I don’t like him either. And I didn’t even care that he got upset.
Looks like Hubby’s family name is dying with him.
I also came to the same conclusion a few weeks ago. I get stressed out way too easily as it is, I'm terrified of pregnancy and post-partum complications, I am very sensitive to loud noises, I have no experience with kids and no "maternal instincts," whenever I'm around kids in public I usually want to leave, and on top of that I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional family and have some disabilities as a result of it.
Problem is my husband definitely wants to have kids. I'm not sure whether he fully realizes how much work kids are, as he's never babysat or spent significant time around young children, so I have told him to go visit one of his relatives with young kids for a week and see how it really is...knowing his personality I think there's a good chance he might change his mind after that.
He is fine with adoption or surrogacy. But I don't want to be involved in raising the kid either. I'm fine with helping with the logistical things like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. which I already do but not with discipline, taking off work if the kid is sick, dealing with the tantrums, getting blamed and shamed if the kid does something bad, etc. We might end up with some sort of non-traditional relationship or we might end up breaking up...either way we will probably have to get legally divorced if/when the time comes.But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
Some people like that for some reason. But there's also a lot of societal pressure to pretend parenthood (especially motherhood) is beautiful and perfect and all worth it, even if the person feels deep down that it isn't. Mothers are called monsters for admitting that they regret having kids, even though that's a valid feeling (of course you shouldn't tell your kids if you feel that way). I think a large percentage of people regret having kids but aren't allowed to say anything about it. And it would make things a lot better for the young people who are still deciding if people were more open about it.
I have felt a lot better about my future since deciding to not have kids. I don't have to worry about whether I'm a good enough cook or worry about saving enough money for a larger residence and childcare or living in a good school district or any of that crap. I don't have to worry about messing up someone else's life due to being less than perfect or having to give 100% every day or setting a good or bad example for someone else. All I have to worry about is me and maximizing my own enjoyment of my life. It's very freeing!0 -
I think its hard for some people to hear that another person doesn't want to be a parent, because there are those who try and can't have children. My wife and I tried for 8 years and had one miscarriage before we finally had our son in our late 30's. It is the best decision I have ever made. I'm totally in love with my son. Every time I look at him I smile, and the impetus for me getting healthy is almost 100% so that I can live longer to be with him.
I know there are independent people who cringe at the thought of that, but for me, this kid is my world. I have given up a ton in order to have him. He takes up my money, time, sleep, and I do not care. When he holds my hand and says daddy and smiles at me, any amount of time and money is worth it.
Every single day that he learns a new skill or says a word he's never said before, I get this rush or pure happiness. It is a hit of pure joy that outweighs every instance before having a child. I look forward to him getting a little bit older because my wife and I have planned to adopt a second child.
Being a parent was something that both of us wanted so much, but hey, its not for everyone.6 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
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laurenq1991 wrote: »Confession: I’m starting to wonder if kids are really worth the effort.
The last 6 months all I’ve heard is how horrible I was as a child, how much my friend is struggling, how miserable my work colleagues daughter is having 2 sons and expecting twin girls in May, how expensive child care is, and I’m 99% sure DH won’t be as helpful as he says he will be if the time comes.
I’m convincing myself out of children. I don’t really like babies, I spent an entire evening successfully avoiding holding my friends baby. And children don’t like me. I actually had a 4-5 year old boy tell me that he didn’t like me. So I told him I don’t like him either. And I didn’t even care that he got upset.
Looks like Hubby’s family name is dying with him.
I also came to the same conclusion a few weeks ago. I get stressed out way too easily as it is, I'm terrified of pregnancy and post-partum complications, I am very sensitive to loud noises, I have no experience with kids and no "maternal instincts," whenever I'm around kids in public I usually want to leave, and on top of that I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional family and have some disabilities as a result of it.
Problem is my husband definitely wants to have kids. I'm not sure whether he fully realizes how much work kids are, as he's never babysat or spent significant time around young children, so I have told him to go visit one of his relatives with young kids for a week and see how it really is...knowing his personality I think there's a good chance he might change his mind after that.
He is fine with adoption or surrogacy. But I don't want to be involved in raising the kid either. I'm fine with helping with the logistical things like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. which I already do but not with discipline, taking off work if the kid is sick, dealing with the tantrums, getting blamed and shamed if the kid does something bad, etc. We might end up with some sort of non-traditional relationship or we might end up breaking up...either way we will probably have to get legally divorced if/when the time comes.But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
Some people like that for some reason. But there's also a lot of societal pressure to pretend parenthood (especially motherhood) is beautiful and perfect and all worth it, even if the person feels deep down that it isn't. Mothers are called monsters for admitting that they regret having kids, even though that's a valid feeling (of course you shouldn't tell your kids if you feel that way). I think a large percentage of people regret having kids but aren't allowed to say anything about it. And it would make things a lot better for the young people who are still deciding if people were more open about it.
I have felt a lot better about my future since deciding to not have kids. I don't have to worry about whether I'm a good enough cook or worry about saving enough money for a larger residence and childcare or living in a good school district or any of that crap. I don't have to worry about messing up someone else's life due to being less than perfect or having to give 100% every day or setting a good or bad example for someone else. All I have to worry about is me and maximizing my own enjoyment of my life. It's very freeing!
I don’t have any maternal instincts. I see mums cooing over new borns and in my opinion they look like little aliens.
My husband wants kids, but he can barely look after himself. I got home from work today, had my bath and I’m in bed. I don’t fancy eating. DH ordered himself a takeaway because he can’t/won’t cook. If we do have kids I know that it is all on my shoulders, and I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. But to be proven wrong we need to have a kid, and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of finding out.
Sadly, if our relationship was more equal I don’t think I would have a problem having kids. But it’s not equal, and that’s why I have a problem with the thought of it. I don’t want to go through it by myself.3 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
Here's the crazy thing. Since this is a confessional thread after all. I get struck with these mad urges to proclaim to my husband (who definatly doesn't want kids) that I want kids with him and that's final! But the reason I haven't is I'm not even sure that's what I really want. I think I just get that way because of the what if factor. Like since he said he doesn't want them, now I dont have the option, and what if I regret that decision? What if I turn 41 and wish I decided sooner? But when I quit playing the what if game (and I'm not in the 3rd week of my BC pack, stupid hormones.) that crazy urge subsides, I think rationally, and am back to being okay with whatever fate decides. And honestly I was totally fine with my decision to leave the potential of my future prodigy to fate. If it happens, great. If not, that's fine too. Until my BFF told me about the story of a woman who woke up one day at the age of 40, and left her husband right then because she never had kids with him. That story got my mind running for a short while. But she has 1 and another on the way. So I'm willing to bet her perception of my situation is different. I'm not willing to throw away the perfect marraige (as perfect as a mairrage can be) on the off chance that I'll maybe find someone to have kids with me. It's just foolish IMO.1 -
Btw - I was trying to be funny with my photo of my daughter and me sharing a drink.
She was a awesome teen. Her younger sister has been a little more challenging.
Now that the oldest is out of her teen years we have a better, very close relationship. But, heck, we grew up together.
This is a difficult decision to make, and a very personal one. Don’t be bullied into making a life altering decision based on someone else’s beliefs. Do what is right for you!!!!3 -
Confession: I’m starting to wonder if kids are really worth the effort.
The last 6 months all I’ve heard is how horrible I was as a child, how much my friend is struggling, how miserable my work colleagues daughter is having 2 sons and expecting twin girls in May, how expensive child care is, and I’m 99% sure DH won’t be as helpful as he says he will be if the time comes.
I’m convincing myself out of children. I don’t really like babies, I spent an entire evening successfully avoiding holding my friends baby. And children don’t like me. I actually had a 4-5 year old boy tell me that he didn’t like me. So I told him I don’t like him either. And I didn’t even care that he got upset.
Looks like Hubby’s family name is dying with him.
Don't have them if you don't want them. They are a lot of work and you shouldn't quit once you start. (Didn't stop DH's birth mother but she was a sociopath and you're not.).5 -
Btw - I was trying to be funny with my photo of my daughter and me sharing a drink.
She was a awesome teen. Her younger sister has been a little more challenging.
Now that the oldest is out of her teen years we have a better, very close relationship. But, heck, we grew up together.
This is a difficult decision to make, and a very personal one. Don’t be bullied into making a life altering decision based on someone else’s beliefs. Do what is right for you!!!!
I love that pic. Reminds me of me and my dad.
We've always been really close like that. Pretty sure there is a similar pic runnig around of the two of us. 2 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
Here's the crazy thing. Since this is a confessional thread after all. I get struck with these mad urges to proclaim to my husband (who definatly doesn't want kids) that I want kids with him and that's final! But the reason I haven't is I'm not even sure that's what I really want. I think I just get that way because of the what if factor. Like since he said he doesn't want them, now I dont have the option, and what if I regret that decision? What if I turn 41 and wish I decided sooner? But when I quit playing the what if game (and I'm not in the 3rd week of my BC pack, stupid hormones.) that crazy urge subsides, I think rationally, and am back to being okay with whatever fate decides. And honestly I was totally fine with my decision to leave the potential of my future prodigy to fate. If it happens, great. If not, that's fine too. Until my BFF told me about the story of a woman who woke up one day at the age of 40, and left her husband right then because she never had kids with him. That story got my mind running for a short while. But she has 1 and another on the way. So I'm willing to bet her perception of my situation is different. I'm not willing to throw away the perfect marraige (as perfect as a mairrage can be) on the off chance that I'll maybe find someone to have kids with me. It's just foolish IMO.
I get that completely. I already think I messed up leaving it this long. I should have thought about kids sooner. I spent 4 years in university doing a pointless degree and instead I should have just got a job and maybe I would be in this position 4-6 years earlier and I wouldn’t have felt the pressure I do now. It’s like BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING, MAKE A CHOICE!2 -
But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
The best part is seeing the lights come on and knowing that you are helping make the next generation a little better than it would be without your kids.
Everything from crawling to shoe tying to teaching another child to read or get math. Every time Tyler holds the door open for 5 minutes so that all of the little old ladies can get out of church and my older boys help the same little old ladies into their cars, I know I have do e something right.
We may fight like cats and dogs at home, but they're good people out in the world and that makes me happy.7 -
But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
There are SOOO MANY wonderful things about kids. I wanted four when we first got married, we now have two teenagers and i often think back and wonder what life was like before them. It is something that cannot be put into words, the feeling in your chest for that human that you love so unconditionally. I cannot picture my life without my boys. WITH THAT BEING SAID, my sister who is a year older than me decided she wanted a second baby (she has an 11yr old) and I literally almost shoved her down a flight of stairs when she told me she was pregnant LOL- I wouldnt DREAM of having another kid now- and as much as I love kids, I look at friends with little ones and i CRINGE! Jesus, its not easy- but its rewarding, I promise!4 -
OH and MY confession? I want to drink a big glass of wine when I get home but I promised myself I wouldnt have any drinks during the week (only for v day) and i am sorta struggling ((cries in spanish))4
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Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
Here's the crazy thing. Since this is a confessional thread after all. I get struck with these mad urges to proclaim to my husband (who definatly doesn't want kids) that I want kids with him and that's final! But the reason I haven't is I'm not even sure that's what I really want. I think I just get that way because of the what if factor. Like since he said he doesn't want them, now I dont have the option, and what if I regret that decision? What if I turn 41 and wish I decided sooner? But when I quit playing the what if game (and I'm not in the 3rd week of my BC pack, stupid hormones.) that crazy urge subsides, I think rationally, and am back to being okay with whatever fate decides. And honestly I was totally fine with my decision to leave the potential of my future prodigy to fate. If it happens, great. If not, that's fine too. Until my BFF told me about the story of a woman who woke up one day at the age of 40, and left her husband right then because she never had kids with him. That story got my mind running for a short while. But she has 1 and another on the way. So I'm willing to bet her perception of my situation is different. I'm not willing to throw away the perfect marraige (as perfect as a mairrage can be) on the off chance that I'll maybe find someone to have kids with me. It's just foolish IMO.
I get that completely. I already think I messed up leaving it this long. I should have thought about kids sooner. I spent 4 years in university doing a pointless degree and instead I should have just got a job and maybe I would be in this position 4-6 years earlier and I wouldn’t have felt the pressure I do now. It’s like BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING, MAKE A CHOICE!
AHH right!?!? My ovaries are looking at me going TICK TOCK B****! DECIDE! Also, my mom had TWINS at 36. Like as soon as she got off BC her ovaries were like "OKAY LADIES THE GATES ARE OPEN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!" So if I decide too late It'll be twins!
I helped out with my brothers enough to know I don't really want TWO at the same time. 4 -
I think its hard for some people to hear that another person doesn't want to be a parent, because there are those who try and can't have children. My wife and I tried for 8 years and had one miscarriage before we finally had our son in our late 30's. It is the best decision I have ever made. I'm totally in love with my son. Every time I look at him I smile, and the impetus for me getting healthy is almost 100% so that I can live longer to be with him.
I know there are independent people who cringe at the thought of that, but for me, this kid is my world. I have given up a ton in order to have him. He takes up my money, time, sleep, and I do not care. When he holds my hand and says daddy and smiles at me, any amount of time and money is worth it.
Every single day that he learns a new skill or says a word he's never said before, I get this rush or pure happiness. It is a hit of pure joy that outweighs every instance before having a child. I look forward to him getting a little bit older because my wife and I have planned to adopt a second child.
Being a parent was something that both of us wanted so much, but hey, its not for everyone.
I get that, and I’m sorry you guys went through such a struggle, I’m glad you got your boy in the end!0 -
Btw - I was trying to be funny with my photo of my daughter and me sharing a drink.
She was a awesome teen. Her younger sister has been a little more challenging.
Now that the oldest is out of her teen years we have a better, very close relationship. But, heck, we grew up together.
This is a difficult decision to make, and a very personal one. Don’t be bullied into making a life altering decision based on someone else’s beliefs. Do what is right for you!!!!
Sorry it kinda got lost, I’m going back through messages I missed. My mum said her best part was when we were teenagers and she could finally have a decent conversation with us. 3 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
Here's the crazy thing. Since this is a confessional thread after all. I get struck with these mad urges to proclaim to my husband (who definatly doesn't want kids) that I want kids with him and that's final! But the reason I haven't is I'm not even sure that's what I really want. I think I just get that way because of the what if factor. Like since he said he doesn't want them, now I dont have the option, and what if I regret that decision? What if I turn 41 and wish I decided sooner? But when I quit playing the what if game (and I'm not in the 3rd week of my BC pack, stupid hormones.) that crazy urge subsides, I think rationally, and am back to being okay with whatever fate decides. And honestly I was totally fine with my decision to leave the potential of my future prodigy to fate. If it happens, great. If not, that's fine too. Until my BFF told me about the story of a woman who woke up one day at the age of 40, and left her husband right then because she never had kids with him. That story got my mind running for a short while. But she has 1 and another on the way. So I'm willing to bet her perception of my situation is different. I'm not willing to throw away the perfect marraige (as perfect as a mairrage can be) on the off chance that I'll maybe find someone to have kids with me. It's just foolish IMO.
I get that completely. I already think I messed up leaving it this long. I should have thought about kids sooner. I spent 4 years in university doing a pointless degree and instead I should have just got a job and maybe I would be in this position 4-6 years earlier and I wouldn’t have felt the pressure I do now. It’s like BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING, MAKE A CHOICE!
AHH right!?!? My ovaries are looking at me going TICK TOCK B****! DECIDE! Also, my mom had TWINS at 36. Like as soon as she got off BC her ovaries were like "OKAY LADIES THE GATES ARE OPEN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!" So if I decide too late It'll be twins! I helped out with my brothers enough to know I don't really want TWO at the same time.
Ha ha that made me laugh for the first time today! Thanks! Twins would be a nightmare situation for me. I legit don’t know what I would do.2 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
For real!! Also see my edit. Little kids don't scare me. I can handle sleepless nights and crazy messes and such. But teenagers? I have seen so many go from this sweet innocent little kid, to at the stroke of midnight on thier 13th year turn into something else entirely. And at any rate cartoons is both a pro AND a con depending on the cartoon, lol! I think the only pro is the ability to raise someone else into the world to pass on your core beliefs and values. and being able to create the "magic" of childhood for them. Still undecided though.
None of the siblings of either side has kids yet either... They are either single, not old enough, or not planning on it. I'm the last of lineage on my dad's side, and on my husband's side he is the last in line to pass on his last name..
Oh snap! We could be twins! I know what you mean about your edit. I’m not sure if I could live with myself in case no.1. Danny has step-2nd cousin who have kids and they just stay away from me. I don’t know if I give off a “stay away from me” vibe.
Here's the crazy thing. Since this is a confessional thread after all. I get struck with these mad urges to proclaim to my husband (who definatly doesn't want kids) that I want kids with him and that's final! But the reason I haven't is I'm not even sure that's what I really want. I think I just get that way because of the what if factor. Like since he said he doesn't want them, now I dont have the option, and what if I regret that decision? What if I turn 41 and wish I decided sooner? But when I quit playing the what if game (and I'm not in the 3rd week of my BC pack, stupid hormones.) that crazy urge subsides, I think rationally, and am back to being okay with whatever fate decides. And honestly I was totally fine with my decision to leave the potential of my future prodigy to fate. If it happens, great. If not, that's fine too. Until my BFF told me about the story of a woman who woke up one day at the age of 40, and left her husband right then because she never had kids with him. That story got my mind running for a short while. But she has 1 and another on the way. So I'm willing to bet her perception of my situation is different. I'm not willing to throw away the perfect marraige (as perfect as a mairrage can be) on the off chance that I'll maybe find someone to have kids with me. It's just foolish IMO.
I get that completely. I already think I messed up leaving it this long. I should have thought about kids sooner. I spent 4 years in university doing a pointless degree and instead I should have just got a job and maybe I would be in this position 4-6 years earlier and I wouldn’t have felt the pressure I do now. It’s like BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING, MAKE A CHOICE!
AHH right!?!? My ovaries are looking at me going TICK TOCK B****! DECIDE! Also, my mom had TWINS at 36. Like as soon as she got off BC her ovaries were like "OKAY LADIES THE GATES ARE OPEN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!" So if I decide too late It'll be twins! I helped out with my brothers enough to know I don't really want TWO at the same time.
Ha ha that made me laugh for the first time today! Thanks! Twins would be a nightmare situation for me. I legit don’t know what I would do.
Glad I could give you a chuckle!
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melissafeagins wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
The best part is seeing the lights come on and knowing that you are helping make the next generation a little better than it would be without your kids.
Everything from crawling to shoe tying to teaching another child to read or get math. Every time Tyler holds the door open for 5 minutes so that all of the little old ladies can get out of church and my older boys help the same little old ladies into their cars, I know I have do e something right.
We may fight like cats and dogs at home, but they're good people out in the world and that makes me happy.
That is really sweet! But you’re an amazing person so it’s no wonder you have amazing kids
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I think its hard for some people to hear that another person doesn't want to be a parent, because there are those who try and can't have children. My wife and I tried for 8 years and had one miscarriage before we finally had our son in our late 30's. It is the best decision I have ever made. I'm totally in love with my son. Every time I look at him I smile, and the impetus for me getting healthy is almost 100% so that I can live longer to be with him.
I know there are independent people who cringe at the thought of that, but for me, this kid is my world. I have given up a ton in order to have him. He takes up my money, time, sleep, and I do not care. When he holds my hand and says daddy and smiles at me, any amount of time and money is worth it.
Every single day that he learns a new skill or says a word he's never said before, I get this rush or pure happiness. It is a hit of pure joy that outweighs every instance before having a child. I look forward to him getting a little bit older because my wife and I have planned to adopt a second child.
Being a parent was something that both of us wanted so much, but hey, its not for everyone.
Perhaps this is a controversial statement (I'm bi so I don't mean it in a controversial way) but I feel like maybe wanting or not wanting kids is like being gay or straight in some ways. You have a certain innate preference and there's not much you can do to change it.
The reason why I was undecided for so long is because people said I would change my mind as I got older and the "maternal instincts" would kick in once I got more mature. But I'm 27 and it hasn't happened yet so I don't think I'm wired to be a mom.I don’t have any maternal instincts. I see mums cooing over new borns and in my opinion they look like little aliens.
My husband wants kids, but he can barely look after himself. I got home from work today, had my bath and I’m in bed. I don’t fancy eating. DH ordered himself a takeaway because he can’t/won’t cook. If we do have kids I know that it is all on my shoulders, and I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. But to be proven wrong we need to have a kid, and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of finding out.
Sadly, if our relationship was more equal I don’t think I would have a problem having kids. But it’s not equal, and that’s why I have a problem with the thought of it. I don’t want to go through it by myself.
I also don't generally think babies or kids are cute. Well kids do cute things sometimes but babies disturb me a bit and I also feel grossed out by the germs, dirt, drool, etc. of kids and babies (also a neat freak on top of everything else).
My husband is the same which is why I told him to go visit his relatives with young kids and see if he REALLY wants to deal with that amount of work. I recommend you tell your husband the same if you have relatives or friends with young kids. My husband is 37 and can't cook or clean either. I can't really imagine him changing diapers or anything. He is also very ambitious about his career and independent, so I can't imagine him putting his life on hold for a kid. Plus because the woman is the one who has to carry the pregnancy and nurse, raising a child is inherently unequal even if the man is supportive. There's also the "emotional labor" thing which is that even if a man helps out around the house, usually the woman has to delegate the tasks and tell him what to do and where everything is.0 -
Well, it’s 21.45 over here in miserable England, I’ve cried until my eyes are sore and I need to sleep so I can pretend everything is fine and dandy in my world tomorrow.
I really appreciate everyone’s input, it has relieved my anxiety a lot to know that 1. I’m not alone, 2. I have a bit more perspective on the situation and 3. I could still have twins at 36 if I come to a decision by then.
I love you all, thank you for being here. 7 -
laurenq1991 wrote: »I think its hard for some people to hear that another person doesn't want to be a parent, because there are those who try and can't have children. My wife and I tried for 8 years and had one miscarriage before we finally had our son in our late 30's. It is the best decision I have ever made. I'm totally in love with my son. Every time I look at him I smile, and the impetus for me getting healthy is almost 100% so that I can live longer to be with him.
I know there are independent people who cringe at the thought of that, but for me, this kid is my world. I have given up a ton in order to have him. He takes up my money, time, sleep, and I do not care. When he holds my hand and says daddy and smiles at me, any amount of time and money is worth it.
Every single day that he learns a new skill or says a word he's never said before, I get this rush or pure happiness. It is a hit of pure joy that outweighs every instance before having a child. I look forward to him getting a little bit older because my wife and I have planned to adopt a second child.
Being a parent was something that both of us wanted so much, but hey, its not for everyone.
Perhaps this is a controversial statement (I'm bi so I don't mean it in a controversial way) but I feel like maybe wanting or not wanting kids is like being gay or straight in some ways. You have a certain innate preference and there's not much you can do to change it.
The reason why I was undecided for so long is because people said I would change my mind as I got older and the "maternal instincts" would kick in once I got more mature. But I'm 27 and it hasn't happened yet so I don't think I'm wired to be a mom.I don’t have any maternal instincts. I see mums cooing over new borns and in my opinion they look like little aliens.
My husband wants kids, but he can barely look after himself. I got home from work today, had my bath and I’m in bed. I don’t fancy eating. DH ordered himself a takeaway because he can’t/won’t cook. If we do have kids I know that it is all on my shoulders, and I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. But to be proven wrong we need to have a kid, and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of finding out.
Sadly, if our relationship was more equal I don’t think I would have a problem having kids. But it’s not equal, and that’s why I have a problem with the thought of it. I don’t want to go through it by myself.
I also don't generally think babies or kids are cute. Well kids do cute things sometimes but babies disturb me a bit and I also feel grossed out by the germs, dirt, drool, etc. of kids and babies (also a neat freak on top of everything else).
My husband is the same which is why I told him to go visit his relatives with young kids and see if he REALLY wants to deal with that amount of work. I recommend you tell your husband the same if you have relatives or friends with young kids. My husband is 37 and can't cook or clean either. I can't really imagine him changing diapers or anything. He is also very ambitious about his career and independent, so I can't imagine him putting his life on hold for a kid. Plus because the woman is the one who has to carry the pregnancy and nurse, raising a child is inherently unequal even if the man is supportive. There's also the "emotional labor" thing which is that even if a man helps out around the house, usually the woman has to delegate the tasks and tell him what to do and where everything is.
Yeah, there is that as well. Glad I’m not the only one married to a man-child!
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I love you, Lois!!! Have a better day tomorrow. (And if you change your mind at 36, I am sure there are orphanages in England with say 6 year olds to adopt. LOL!)3
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Well, it’s 21.45 over here in miserable England, I’ve cried until my eyes are sore and I need to sleep so I can pretend everything is fine and dandy in my world tomorrow.
I really appreciate everyone’s input, it has relieved my anxiety a lot to know that 1. I’m not alone, 2. I have a bit more perspective on the situation and 3. I could still have twins at 36 if I come to a decision by then.
I love you all, thank you for being here.
I'm glad to find I'm not alone in this either. I hope you get a good rest and wake up feeling better tomorrow. Hugs from accross the pond. 1 -
Italian_Buju wrote: »Crafty_camper123 wrote: »Fine then. I confess I have never tried chocolate covered grasshoppers.
I have never eaten any insect on purpose.
I think I would try one if dipped in chocolate
Same, and I plan on keeping it that way. All the chocolate in the world would not change my mind.....
Same!0 -
Well, it’s 21.45 over here in miserable England, I’ve cried until my eyes are sore and I need to sleep so I can pretend everything is fine and dandy in my world tomorrow.
I really appreciate everyone’s input, it has relieved my anxiety a lot to know that 1. I’m not alone, 2. I have a bit more perspective on the situation and 3. I could still have twins at 36 if I come to a decision by then.
I love you all, thank you for being here.
I am the oldest of my mother's biological children, and she was 35 when she had me - 42 when she had my youngest brother! ;D
And I'm now 40, and I've never felt like I wanted children. Still don't. Sometimes wondered why, but ultimately I'm happy with how life has gone.1 -
But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
Sometimes they are adorable beyond words and they pretty much always make your heart ache with love.
That and hormone! Hormones have a lot to answer for (says she who declared she would do it again hours after an emergency csection - and indeed DID, albeit not an emergency second time around).
But it's a huge commitment and it's not for everyone and that's ok. I'm not sure anyone is ever 'ready' for kids.
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Hope you're ok @Lois_1989 , you got me thinking. I do worry I put people off when I complain about my kids. They are pretty exhausting. I'm feeding Ellie as I type at midnight having had a busy day with multiple clean ups as Andrew's having potty training regression. And you know I had a hard time giving birth. I don't paint a pretty picture!
But then again who wants to listen to my soppiness? Today I made fish fingers, peas, corn and carrots and everyone ate it and enjoyed it and that makes me disproportionately happy! Andrew had the time of his life today feeding the ducks. My favourite time on work days is the moment I pick my kids up from nursery.
I wonder if I'd be as happy had I never wanted kids and not had any (I really, really wanted them - hormones are crazy). Probably, life is what you make of it. But all I know is the very happiest moment of my life was when they placed Ellie on my chest straight after birth. I was naked in an operating room surrounded by strangers and being sewn back together, but it was a moment of sheer, unrivaled joy for me.
Tldr: kids make you crazy mad and crazy in love.4 -
But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
I cannot speak for everyone, but for me the two strongest factors was carrying on my father's name (both first and family name), since there are very many people in Canada with my last name. And wanting a generation Canadian born, that did not end up messed up by my mother's mistakes.
I had to make the choice very young, because I was told when I turned 18 that I should not have children for medical reasons. I had not thought much about it before that, but as soon as I was told that, I knew right away that I wanted one, even if I died trying (which was an actual possibility). It took me over three years to conceive and it was a long painful process.
When I look at my son, he is in good health, and is very successful in life already, that makes me feel like I achieved something great. By breaking the cycle of addiction and abuse and restoring honour in my father's name. It is not always easy, but I would do it again in a heart beat. And if I never had him, I do not know where I would be in life, or quite frankly, if I would even be alive.
That is why I put myself through that.5 -
Crafty_camper123 wrote: »But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
This is why I don't have any yet myself at 31. Everytime I think of it, reeeaaally think of it, my mind goes to stuff like this. And yet somehow, I have this inexplicible urge to still have kids someday. I want scraped knees, and baby kisses, and to pass on family traditions. Unfortunatly that comes with diaper blow outs, the terrible two's and the terrible teen's. Not to mention the current polarizing cultural and political climate we live in right now.
It makes no sense to me. And I can't decide if my urge to have kids is due to social expectations, biological urges to reproduce, or something else. It's a really strange feeling. I have no idea if it will ever happen for me as I sit here on the fence. I suppose I will welcome either outcome however life turns out.
All of this, and I have the added situation that out of both of my husbands parents families, they were the only ones to have kids. They haven’t got any cousins. If we don’t have kids and his sister doesn’t, that’s the end of the family tree. And his sister is my age (turning 30 this year) and single, so. Yup.
FYI don’t google “perks of being a parent”. They are pretty crap perks, like ‘you have a reason to watch cartoons’. I already do, that’s not a perk. Or, “it’s an ego boost having someone depend on you”, nope, my husband depends on me and it’s not ego boosting, it’s annoying.
I do not find those perks at all lol
I cannot stand cartoons and always fell asleep when taking my son to watch them....0 -
laurenq1991 wrote: »Confession: I’m starting to wonder if kids are really worth the effort.
The last 6 months all I’ve heard is how horrible I was as a child, how much my friend is struggling, how miserable my work colleagues daughter is having 2 sons and expecting twin girls in May, how expensive child care is, and I’m 99% sure DH won’t be as helpful as he says he will be if the time comes.
I’m convincing myself out of children. I don’t really like babies, I spent an entire evening successfully avoiding holding my friends baby. And children don’t like me. I actually had a 4-5 year old boy tell me that he didn’t like me. So I told him I don’t like him either. And I didn’t even care that he got upset.
Looks like Hubby’s family name is dying with him.
I also came to the same conclusion a few weeks ago. I get stressed out way too easily as it is, I'm terrified of pregnancy and post-partum complications, I am very sensitive to loud noises, I have no experience with kids and no "maternal instincts," whenever I'm around kids in public I usually want to leave, and on top of that I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional family and have some disabilities as a result of it.
Problem is my husband definitely wants to have kids. I'm not sure whether he fully realizes how much work kids are, as he's never babysat or spent significant time around young children, so I have told him to go visit one of his relatives with young kids for a week and see how it really is...knowing his personality I think there's a good chance he might change his mind after that.
He is fine with adoption or surrogacy. But I don't want to be involved in raising the kid either. I'm fine with helping with the logistical things like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. which I already do but not with discipline, taking off work if the kid is sick, dealing with the tantrums, getting blamed and shamed if the kid does something bad, etc. We might end up with some sort of non-traditional relationship or we might end up breaking up...either way we will probably have to get legally divorced if/when the time comes.But seriously, what are the best bits about having kids? As far as I can tell, they cause you pain, stress and money. I just had a bath and as I’m lying there all I can hear are the 2 boys next door arguing and the mum shouting at them. I’ve been laying in bed before listening to the kid in the flat above have a full blown tantrum in the middle of the night. I listen to stories in the office about someone’s kid has done something, someone spent their whole weekend running her kids and grandkids around. My dad has endless stories (some that he told at my wedding) about how horrible I was as a child. I don’t get it. Why put yourself through it?
Some people like that for some reason. But there's also a lot of societal pressure to pretend parenthood (especially motherhood) is beautiful and perfect and all worth it, even if the person feels deep down that it isn't. Mothers are called monsters for admitting that they regret having kids, even though that's a valid feeling (of course you shouldn't tell your kids if you feel that way). I think a large percentage of people regret having kids but aren't allowed to say anything about it. And it would make things a lot better for the young people who are still deciding if people were more open about it.
I have felt a lot better about my future since deciding to not have kids. I don't have to worry about whether I'm a good enough cook or worry about saving enough money for a larger residence and childcare or living in a good school district or any of that crap. I don't have to worry about messing up someone else's life due to being less than perfect or having to give 100% every day or setting a good or bad example for someone else. All I have to worry about is me and maximizing my own enjoyment of my life. It's very freeing!
I don’t have any maternal instincts. I see mums cooing over new borns and in my opinion they look like little aliens.
My husband wants kids, but he can barely look after himself. I got home from work today, had my bath and I’m in bed. I don’t fancy eating. DH ordered himself a takeaway because he can’t/won’t cook. If we do have kids I know that it is all on my shoulders, and I can’t deal with that. I won’t deal with that. But to be proven wrong we need to have a kid, and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of finding out.
Sadly, if our relationship was more equal I don’t think I would have a problem having kids. But it’s not equal, and that’s why I have a problem with the thought of it. I don’t want to go through it by myself.
This is very valid and a huge factor. And if he isnt showing signs of it now, he certainly will not change after the fact....2
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