Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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brandi9172 wrote: »My abusive and estranged husband committed suicide last week. He was in jail after beating his current girlfriend and trying to kill her and he hung himself in his cell. When I first heard the news, to be honest, I was excited he was dead. For many reasons really...he was more than abusive, the man was straight evil. He was excessively controlling and mean, he was a psychopath and I am truly lucky to have been able to escape with my life. There were times I thought I wouldn't. And I have been worried for the last year and a half that he would find me again, and that he would kill me this time. Why do I feel like a liar every time I say anything like that...he had me so screwed up, still has me so screwed up, that I don't even believe myself half the time when I talk about it. I actually look at the scars on my body and I read the police report and I look back at the pictures and I still feel like it's all wrong.
Anyway...he's dead. And as happy as I am about it...I'm a little mad. But mad because he never had to face what he did, ever. He was never punished. He'll never be punished. And oh how I want him punished. I wish that I could have watched him die. And I think that makes me kind of awful.
No judgement. That doesn't make you awful. At all. I had an abusive ex and have always said if I ever found out that he died (or was killed more likely) I wouldnt' care. I might even be slightly happy about it. The world is better off without people like that.0 -
Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.0
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mrsswisspea wrote: »rungirl1973 wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »ladybuggnorris wrote: »
I'm really impressed by your honesty. I hope you're feeling better about yourself these days. I'm with you about not really understanding much about mental illness when you've always been fine yourself. My 19 year-old daughter has recently been diagnosed with depression, and I'm still struggling with the idea that it may NOT have been caused by her low iron levels, but may actually be a serious condition.fellowtraveler87 wrote: »confession:
(and this ties in to the past 2 or 3 topics in this thread somehow)
I used to be pretty judgmental of people with mental health issues. I'd dismiss it as weakness or attention seeking. Then about 2 years ago I started having panic attacks and anxiety. Fought it for a long time, tried to "fix" it on my own, nothing worked. Finally got help. Very humbling experience to say the least.
Was also drinking quite heavily during this time. Knocking on the door of full-blown alcoholism. I think the anxiety and panic attacks were correlated to the drinking but I'm not which came first. Anyway after getting help the desire to drink really dropped off. Every once in a while I want to have a casual drink like everyone else but I don't trust myself. It might be fine, or I might spiral out of control and right now I'm not willing to take that risk. Drinking heavily, at least for me, was symptomatic of deeper issues I had been harboring.
It all stems back to childhood I really believe that now. I didn't have that bad of childhood but for one aspect and it had a drastic effect on me without my realizing it until recently. I'll confess more on that later don't have the time now...
Oh, and I used to be one of those who thought about sex constantly but after seeking help they put me on an anti-depressant (one more thing I used to not "believe in" doing until it effected me). It has really helped me a lot, but one side effect is it has pretty much killed my libido. I don't necessarily mind it and in fact find it strangely liberating. I can focus my thoughts on more productive things and feel more in control of my mind and body.
Not a confession, but I highly recommend the book "Always the fat kid" - felt like I was reading my own biography and it really helped me understand myself.
I am so happy you got help! Through being overweight my whole life and bullied, I was still ALWAYS very mentally stable. (Arrogance runs in my family!) After I had my second child, I became a completely different person. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I treated my three year old son sooo bad. One day, when the baby was about 6 months old, I raged out on my 3yo to the point that I physically hurt him. I immediately lock myself in the bathroom and called my husband to come home from work. That very day, we went to our GP, who diagnosed me with severe post-partum depression, even though I was not sad, but angry. I took antidepressants and joined a post-partum support group and the change back to my old self was almost immediate. To this day, I still harbor so much guilt over hurting my son and I will NEVER forget the look in his eyes when it happened. It was a complete look of betrayal. I don't think he remembers it and I have never told anyone this story before. I am so glad this is a no judgement zone, because now that I have brought the memories back up, I feel about the worst human being ever.
When our third was born, I also had PPD, but we knew to watch for the signs and made sure to get on anti-depressants right away...my awesome husband also insisted that I get out at least once a week, for a couple of hours without the baby.
I had post-partum depression after my son was born. I used to fantasize, while driving down the road, about driving my car into a telephone pole. I would be holding the steering wheel in a death grip, trying not to swerve off the road. It was terrifying. I have never felt so out of control. Eighteen months of Paxil and I've never had any problems since. It was so weird. I'm glad my PPD didn't target my son, that must have been horrendous.
Yikes. Glad you got some help.
I used to fantasize about driving my car off the road into a pole on the way to a former job just so I could hopefully get some rest in the hospital (stressful and tons of hours). That was when I knew it was time to find a new job...
This reminded me of a problem I had at work a year ago (it was building up for two years). I felt very competitive feelings towards a co-worker of mine. She had leadership responsibilities, and I really respected her. She is beautiful, successful, and confident. She made some drunken threats towards me in my first few months of working there, and I kept them a secret, which didn't our personal relationship (professionally, we were great together). She apologized profusely, but I don't think I ever forgot it. There were only three other women we worked with who we around our age, and she was good friends with two of them. They would do things on the weekend together, never inviting me, but always talking about how awesome it was and it really upset me, because I was new and had no girlfriends in our town. Yes, it was as "highschool" as it sounds, and it was totally pathetic.
Anyways, I slowly noticed how I was letting her "presence" really destroy my self image. I started over-analyzing everything I said about her, I'd replay every conversation I had with her over and over and over again in my head. We lived close to each other, and whenever I passed her house, I would always look in her apartment window to see what she was doing (because it would always be "cooler" than what I was doing). I would dread running into her if I was in our town because she would always look so beautiful and put together. I couldn't make a decision for what clothes to wear, what clothes to buy, what exercises to do without comparing what she did (or worse, what I assumed she did). I'd laugh to myself if she had lipstick on her teeth, and was in general really critical of her. It got pretty intense, and my husband got worried.
This was one of the many reasons why my husband and I quit our jobs and travelled around the world. I now see that we got off to a bad start, and although she did some terrible things to me, she didn't deserve me making every thing she did have something to do with me. She was just doing the best she could, and it's a shame I got out of control.
I have never had mental health problems before, and I appear to people (even during this time) as being really outgoing, friendly and confident. I hope I have better skills now to deal with my competitive nature, and my insecurities in the future.
I'm still trying to figure out what kind of 'threats' she made to you when drunk and why was she threatening you as a co-worker? Although quitting your jobs and traveling around the world sounds pretty awesome!0 -
I caved and downloaded the MFP app. So now I can waste time anywhere.
I may regret this.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.0 -
I call myself a vegetarian but once in a while I have a big Mac (probably 3 or 4 over 7 years of "vegetarianism").
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mpuebla0925 wrote: »
Hang in there. Sometimes we have to go hour by hour or minute by minute to get through the day. You are trying to do the right thing and that makes you a good person. Be a little more gentle with yourself, you would give someone else a second chance or be more kind to another, give yourself a second chance and be kind to yourself.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
It'll be tough, but I honestly don't even see how I'll be able to spend any time on the boards over the next 3, 4 weeks. I definitely won't be on when I'm in Texas.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
We should set up a scavenger hunt. Every day he's gone, pick a random thread to post a peep in. When he gets back, he has to find them all.0 -
hide and go peep!0 -
Oh and last confession! I made a MFP profile years ago and put in 140 as my weight even though I most likely wasn't because I didn't know it, so when I started using it again this year it kept saying I hadn't lost anything even though I lost almost a stone because I'm still way over 140. So I made a new profile with my January start weight then put in my new weight the next day so that when I check in it says 'mellb has lost 11lb so far', which I think makes me a bit shallow but it's nice to see it
I love when mine tracks the weight loss but...I hate when I gain, it says I lost, when in reality, I gained and lost less than I had lost previously. Now I watch the "pofoster21 has lost 24.3 lbs so far!" rather than "pofoster21 has lost 1.2 lbs since her last weigh in". I also hate I started over 5 lbs in to having already lost weight, I always really want to say "I really lost 29.3 lbs so far!". Its the little things...
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tincanonastring wrote: »tincanonastring wrote: »Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
It'll be tough, but I honestly don't even see how I'll be able to spend any time on the boards over the next 3, 4 weeks. I definitely won't be on when I'm in Texas.
Are you coming to Austin? That is where I am.0 -
tincanonastring wrote: »tincanonastring wrote: »Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.
Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
It'll be tough, but I honestly don't even see how I'll be able to spend any time on the boards over the next 3, 4 weeks. I definitely won't be on when I'm in Texas.
We'll miss you! 0 -
AgentOrangeJuice wrote: »In my IRL, I have absolutely no one that shares my interests.
I haven't played Dungeons and Dragons in 10 years.
No one to argue about who the greatest Green Lantern is.
No one to geek out about the latest Marvel Legends Figures, I GOT THE NEW IRONFIST
FIGURE IT'S FREAKING AWESOME.
I'm the Chubby guy in karate so I'm kinda like a pariah, I do the motions but my side kick and round houses aren't even remotely good or high, so I'm not into Tournaments and you know, if you're not bringing in Trophies for the Dojo.. . . . Oh but Matt, Sensei says "Good Job Matt at least 5-6 times an hour.
No one to talk to about the New Star Wars, because you know, people are concerned that the crossguard lightsaber the new Villain is wielding in the first teaser would chop his own hands off if he started twirling it around, but my point is, that dude isn't trying to twirl anything, he's just going to over head chop everything like Darth Vader did, he's a Vader Worshipping Acolyte, that's my opinion on that. BTW, I think Luke is the mastermind Dark Lord that doesn't appear until the end of the first movie. In the original script for Star Wars, after Vader dies on the Death Star, Luke picks up his helmet and puts it on and says "I'm Vader now!" but, they changed the script for marketability.
This makes me so sad. We'd be great friends in real life! I play DnD on Saturdays, the best Green Lantern is John Stewart (come at me bro!), and Iron Fist is one of my favorite people ever along with of course Luke Cage. I also agree that the crossguard thing from the new Star Wars trailer is just misplaced nerd rage. I think the crossguard is a great idea. Since the Star Wars universe loves them some chopping off hands, -finally- someone is trying to fix that. Cut off my hand now suckerrrrsss! XD0 -
One more confession for today and then I'm done. Saturday I was at a bridal shower and someone made s'more bars. I love, love, love anything s'mores but I couldn't have one because I gave up chocolate for lent. (What was I thinking?) So I ate a piece of fruit pizza, was still thinking of the s'more bar. Ate a piece of white cake with raspberry mouse filling, super yummy but was still thinking about the s'more bar. Went home and had some golden oreos, was still thinking about the s'more bar. I'm still thinking about that damn bar today. Seriously, if you're craving something just let yourself have it and forgive yourself because you will eat way more trying to replace it with something else.
BTW, I'm making dessert for Easter and am torn between a triple chocolate poke cake I found on Pinterest or better than sex cake. Any suggestions? Oh, and s'mores
I learned that if you are really craving something, just eat it. I do the same thing you do...then end up eating what I was avoiding anyway!
And...I was just in a co-workers office and ate like 6 handfuls of m&ms that I have been ignoring for months. Need to stop visiting her.0 -
brandi9172 wrote: »My abusive and estranged husband committed suicide last week. He was in jail after beating his current girlfriend and trying to kill her and he hung himself in his cell. When I first heard the news, to be honest, I was excited he was dead. For many reasons really...he was more than abusive, the man was straight evil. He was excessively controlling and mean, he was a psychopath and I am truly lucky to have been able to escape with my life. There were times I thought I wouldn't. And I have been worried for the last year and a half that he would find me again, and that he would kill me this time. Why do I feel like a liar every time I say anything like that...he had me so screwed up, still has me so screwed up, that I don't even believe myself half the time when I talk about it. I actually look at the scars on my body and I read the police report and I look back at the pictures and I still feel like it's all wrong.
Anyway...he's dead. And as happy as I am about it...I'm a little mad. But mad because he never had to face what he did, ever. He was never punished. He'll never be punished. And oh how I want him punished. I wish that I could have watched him die. And I think that makes me kind of awful.
I think it makes you human.0 -
I just killed an hour at work (which I never do but today I just couldn't concentrate -- and to be fair its 6:30 pm in the office) reading this on the computer. People's "avatars" look so different when on the web...you can actually see them (vs. phone or tablet!). It was pretty interesting. Okay I guess I'll start my commute home now...0
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AgentOrangeJuice wrote: »I was 300 lbs a year ago on this date, tonight, I earned my orange belt in karate. not really a confession but a WOOP WOOP
Good job! A few years ago I was 234 when I started karate. In 2.5 years I earned my green belt and lost 35 lbs. then I made a big mistake. I stopped doing karate.
now I'm 40 lbs more and starting over. 0 -
brandi9172 wrote: »My abusive and estranged husband committed suicide last week. He was in jail after beating his current girlfriend and trying to kill her and he hung himself in his cell. When I first heard the news, to be honest, I was excited he was dead. For many reasons really...he was more than abusive, the man was straight evil. He was excessively controlling and mean, he was a psychopath and I am truly lucky to have been able to escape with my life. There were times I thought I wouldn't. And I have been worried for the last year and a half that he would find me again, and that he would kill me this time. Why do I feel like a liar every time I say anything like that...he had me so screwed up, still has me so screwed up, that I don't even believe myself half the time when I talk about it. I actually look at the scars on my body and I read the police report and I look back at the pictures and I still feel like it's all wrong.
Anyway...he's dead. And as happy as I am about it...I'm a little mad. But mad because he never had to face what he did, ever. He was never punished. He'll never be punished. And oh how I want him punished. I wish that I could have watched him die. And I think that makes me kind of awful.
Wowww. That is heavy stuff. Not even sure what to say! I mean I am very glad you escaped him. And it surely must be a relief to know that he can never "get you".
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edit: double post, MFP hates me
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mpuebla0925 wrote: »My life has been a roller coast the last 7 months.
...................
Again, thanks for reading
I read it all! And just, <hug>
We all do the best we can
P.S. Awesome work, you look fab
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sherbear702 wrote: »Today I got really angry at work: so angry that my boss took me into another office to talk to me about it. He said that while I might well be right in what in was saying, I was doing it all wrong. I know I am right in what I was saying.
He might be right. He probably is right. I don't know what to do. I am rather shouty at moment. I might be taking work too seriously.
This one time at work, I snapped at my then supervisor because a) I was PMSing and b) I didn't like her, so she was convinced I had "anger issues" and talked me into going to counseling. I only went to smooth things over in the office...man she was such a b!#c#. I'm a nice person and she deserved my snappy attitude.
One time at my old job, I got in to trouble because everyone kept "replying all" on every email about some dumb thing, and I snapped at them to stop emailing me about nonsense because I was trying to work. (we got pop ups when email arrived). I didn't even feel bad. Reply all is obnoxious after about 2 emails.
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ive binged massively 3 times this week & I know its because of finding lots of new foods I can eat after a year and a half of being on a restrictive elimination diet for my chronic health condition (to find what triggers it).Its also because of my loneliness but I think switching my thoughts to concentrating on my fitness will help with that instead of thinking of how lonely I am all the time
anyway I only hate myself 50% for bingeing I guess that's a self love win
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berlynnwall wrote: »sherbear702 wrote: »Today I got really angry at work: so angry that my boss took me into another office to talk to me about it. He said that while I might well be right in what in was saying, I was doing it all wrong. I know I am right in what I was saying.
He might be right. He probably is right. I don't know what to do. I am rather shouty at moment. I might be taking work too seriously.
This one time at work, I snapped at my then supervisor because a) I was PMSing and b) I didn't like her, so she was convinced I had "anger issues" and talked me into going to counseling. I only went to smooth things over in the office...man she was such a b!#c#. I'm a nice person and she deserved my snappy attitude.
One time at my old job, I got in to trouble because everyone kept "replying all" on every email about some dumb thing, and I snapped at them to stop emailing me about nonsense because I was trying to work. (we got pop ups when email arrived). I didn't even feel bad. Reply all is obnoxious after about 2 emails.
I used to work for an employer with offices in several cities, and invariably some idiot in some other city would send all personnel emails to say "who stole my lunch out of the refrigerator" which would provoke endless "humorous" responses by various people, also reply all. It was maddening.0 -
Someone, waaaay upthread confessed to that.lemurcat12 wrote: »berlynnwall wrote: »sherbear702 wrote: »Today I got really angry at work: so angry that my boss took me into another office to talk to me about it. He said that while I might well be right in what in was saying, I was doing it all wrong. I know I am right in what I was saying.
He might be right. He probably is right. I don't know what to do. I am rather shouty at moment. I might be taking work too seriously.
This one time at work, I snapped at my then supervisor because a) I was PMSing and b) I didn't like her, so she was convinced I had "anger issues" and talked me into going to counseling. I only went to smooth things over in the office...man she was such a b!#c#. I'm a nice person and she deserved my snappy attitude.
One time at my old job, I got in to trouble because everyone kept "replying all" on every email about some dumb thing, and I snapped at them to stop emailing me about nonsense because I was trying to work. (we got pop ups when email arrived). I didn't even feel bad. Reply all is obnoxious after about 2 emails.
I used to work for an employer with offices in several cities, and invariably some idiot in some other city would send all personnel emails to say "who stole my lunch out of the refrigerator" which would provoke endless "humorous" responses by various people, also reply all. It was maddening.
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@misskarne Thanks !!! I'll definitely look into this. I love to write in general, just hate school work (but who actually likes it?). I got the essay done last night and today I was horribly exhausted. Have another project due on Wednesday that I haven't started... oh boy.FluffySandwich wrote: »My confession: I am a huge procrastinator. This semester is (hopefully) my last one, but it's the hardest one yet. I've been suffering from anxiety, which also makes me an escapist. Now I have an essay due at midnight that I have hardly started on. Good thing it's only 1200 words. TIME TO MAKE MYSELF DO IT.
Have you heard of NaNoWriMo? The challenge where you try to hit 50,000 words in a month?
They run things called "word sprints" during that month. Obviously they don't run it all year, but I did find when I was at university that running "word sprints" when writing essays helped me so hugely. I'd set a time limit (say, 10 minutes), and then, GO! It becomes self-motivating because you always want to beat your personal best.
I don't know if that helps
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I have resided in Ireland for over 10 years now and only this year it dawned on me that there are cadbury cream eggs on the shelf all year around. I don't like them because I feel they are to sweet.DH asked if you could freeze Cadbury Creme Egg's and I said (I don't know?) We had them as our snack last night (was going to Sat. whole nother' story there) but anyhow, he's like "if we can freeze them, we should buy some and have a bunch on hand." Not sure that would be a good idea. Tempting yes, but good, I don't know. I do love those little eggs.0 -
I have resided in Ireland for over 10 years now and only this year it dawned on me that there are cadbury cream eggs on the shelf all year around. I don't like them because I feel they are to sweet.DH asked if you could freeze Cadbury Creme Egg's and I said (I don't know?) We had them as our snack last night (was going to Sat. whole nother' story there) but anyhow, he's like "if we can freeze them, we should buy some and have a bunch on hand." Not sure that would be a good idea. Tempting yes, but good, I don't know. I do love those little eggs.
I feel the same way... they are too sickeningly sweet for me. Yet I can devour a whole bag of gummy candy in one sitting. Or chocolate!!!0
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