Cussing at/to Children

jimmmer

Plus, I'm English and I don't think what we consider swearwords is the same as some respondents in this thread. I guess there's a lot of cultural assumption going on.

Or that we might agree on one or two words, but Americans seem to consider a wider range of words as "cussing". Goddamn is one example that springs to mind. Almost no one in contemporary Britain would think you were swearing if you said that in public, but I'm sure there are people from across the pond who have earmarked that as taboo in this very thread ....

jimmmer

No, but this mamby-pamby, rolling-in-cotton-wool attitude is not doing the next generation any favours..

I don't consider refraining from cussing at my children as raising them mamby-pamby, rolling-in-cotton-wool attitude.

Actually my post was against parents constantly swearing at their children because it is indicative of deeper issues about the relationship and a cause for concern. But that's not convenient to your argument, so you ignored that part of my post......

MayaSPapaya

My mom has the biggest potty mouth out of anyone I know, and she always cursed around us. Not really to us, but if she was mad, she would say bull**** if we were lying. I don't really see it as verbal abuse, unless they were calling the child profanities.

wineplease

Actually my post was against parents constantly swearing at their children because it is indicative of deeper issues about the relationship and a cause for concern. But that's not convenient to your argument, so you ignored that part of my post......

I missed your initial post and only saw the one responding to mine (which was in response to someone else's).

wineplease

Goddamn is one example that springs to mind. Almost no one in contemporary Britain would think you were swearing if you said that in public, but I'm sure there are people from across the pond who have earmarked that as taboo in this very thread ....

Damn is a cuss word, no? Putting God in front of it is offensive because it's using His name in vain, so that's just more of a religious issue.

mojohowitz

I would be more embarrassed to use the word "mamby-pamby" than any swear word I can think of.

CrazyTrackLady

I fear for the next generation who are shielded from all potential harm, all potentially negative experiences, any expectations..... I employ young people and am often amazed at the things they don't know/can't do/think are beneath them. There are exceptions, but a lot of the youth coming through seems to lack sand/grit. We made them this way, so we've got no one to blame but ourselves....

So, cussing at our kids will toughen them up and make them better employees in the future?

No, but this mamby-pamby, rolling-in-cotton-wool attitude is not doing the next generation any favours. I was broadening out the debate somewhat, since it seems to me that the impulse behind calling anything mildly-offensive "abuse" in modern life is part of a larger whole.

Toughening up kids is about learning to say NO, and setting boundaries, expectations and instill values and ethics they can transfer into an adult world. It is about allowing them to try, fail and learn from their mistakes. It is NOT about giving them a full range of colorful and offensive language to use when they can't effectively communicate.

I'm not sure what kind of parent you are (if you are one at all), but I can assure you that I have raised my children with solid boundaries, rules, discipline and expectations. They know life is not fair, it can be tough, and in order to get along and ahead in society, they will be required to perform a certain way, act a certain way and treat others a certain way. Cussing was never part of the "Hey kids, this is what I'm going to teach you today..." lesson.

CrazyTrackLady

[more likely than not abut to get ripped a new one on the forums]

I have been out of control before, lost my temper before, and said/done things as a parent that I am super not proud of.

A lot of things changed when my divorce started a couple years ago... And one of them that I knew was necessary was cutting as many curse words from my vocab as possible.
Now it's "Fudge Brownies!!!"
Because, you know, that' bad.

One time in particular that I am really not proud of is when I made my 8y/o cry. She had spent hours laying in to my 5y/o, nit picking, ordering her around, saying mean things, etc, when she herself was refusing to get in to a much needed shower. I had to call her out for being mean, ask her if that's how she wants to be known, tell her she is bullying her sister and that's not okay, tell her she smells bad (which was true) and needs to wash the dirt off of her, and how she is being ridiculous. Cue the tears.
No curse words were used. And I felt like a terrible mom
But! Since that day a month and a half ago, I've only had to remind her to stop bullying her sister a handful of times.

Slip ups happen. I once called my 16 year old daughter the B word, because she was acting like a total one. And, we were both hormonal, so that had a lot to do with it. She had NEVER heard me call her that before, and I felt horrible doing so and apologized afterwards. It wasn't a nice thing to do, and I imagine if the tables were turned and she had called ME that, I would have been hurt and furious as well.

I called my 18 year old an a hole, because he ALSO was acting like one. I didn't apologize, because he admitted I was right.

crista_b

I fear for the next generation who are shielded from all potential harm, all potentially negative experiences, any expectations..... I employ young people and am often amazed at the things they don't know/can't do/think are beneath them. There are exceptions, but a lot of the youth coming through seems to lack sand/grit. We made them this way, so we've got no one to blame but ourselves....

So, cussing at our kids will toughen them up and make them better employees in the future?

No, but this mamby-pamby, rolling-in-cotton-wool attitude is not doing the next generation any favours. I was broadening out the debate somewhat, since it seems to me that the impulse behind calling anything mildly-offensive "abuse" in modern life is part of a larger whole.

Toughening up kids is about learning to say NO, and setting boundaries, expectations and instill values and ethics they can transfer into an adult world. It is about allowing them to try, fail and learn from their mistakes. It is NOT about giving them a full range of colorful and offensive language to use when they can't effectively communicate.

I'm not sure what kind of parent you are (if you are one at all), but I can assure you that I have raised my children with solid boundaries, rules, discipline and expectations. They know life is not fair, it can be tough, and in order to get along and ahead in society, they will be required to perform a certain way, act a certain way and treat others a certain way. Cussing was never part of the "Hey kids, this is what I'm going to teach you today..." lesson.

I think the meaning behind his post is that nowadays parents tend to shield and/or coddle their children too much. (Not saying you do or don't - not judging so don't get mad. :flowerforyou: ) I think that a lot of people feel that trying to guard kids from hearing any "bad" words doesn't prepare them for the real world. There isn't going to be a censor walking around with them forever so that they can't hear the words so by not allowing them to hear them as [older] children, they will be more "shocked" by it in the real world.

Personally, I feel that everyone should raise their children the way they feel is best. I also feel that it's important to make a distinction of the age of children we're talking about. I wouldn't swear in front of a 3 year old because they are too young to understand what it means and make their own decisions so they will just end up parroting it in inappropriate situations. However, I don't have a problem swearing in front of a teenager; I can guarantee they've heard it (or worse) before. If I'm not swearing at them and being demeaning, I don't think I should have to change who I am and censor myself. With that said, I wouldn't swear at a child of any age and try to control my anger enough to not do it [/b]at[/b] anyone. As others have pointed out, swearing at someone and swearing in their presence is different.


Also, somewhat relevant:

CrazyTrackLady

I read an article that suggest cussing at your child is a form of verbal abuse. I also work at a school that does not tolerate teachers and coaches who cuss in the classroom, on the playing fields or courts, or to our students.

What are your thoughts? Is it a form of verbal abuse? Is it ever okay? Are coaches okay to do this, but not teachers?

My history teacher often said things like "don't be a f&*ing idiot, boy" and was by far and away the best teacher I ever had at school. People get their knickers in a twist over everything (and nothing) nowadays.

I would and should lose my teaching license if I spoke that way to a child. Totally not cool.

zenchild

I was at the park over the weekend, and heard a mother telling her children what to do if a stranger grabbed them. (The children were walking in front of the Mom, and she was yelling at them to "instruct" them- it was impossible to not hear what she said.)

If someone were to grab them, the kids (3 children less than 10 years old) were told to yell out as loud as they could "Mother******- I don't know you!"

Although I laughed at the absurdity of it- I was taken back at the way the Mom spoke around the kids. In that case- no I don't think it's verbal abuse. But- I also do not believe that is a healthy way to talk to young children, either.

You do have to admit that if you heard a kid say that it would certainly get your attention. And if someone grabs a kid, they need to get the attention of every adult around. It's a little strange to be giving them this advice in a public setting, but if it helps one kid, I'm all for it.

My aunt's in-laws are very religious and very protective. Their daughter was home-schooled through high school and then went to a tiny, religious college. She was not allowed to watch anything that wasn't G-Rated. Now, as a young adult, she is offended and hurt if someone says "darn." Seriously. Her parents didn't prepare her for life in the real world. I'm not saying that parents should swear in front of their kids but there is such a thing as "too sheltered."

mojohowitz

.

wineplease

My history teacher often said things like "don't be a f&*ing idiot, boy" and was by far and away the best teacher I ever had at school. People get their knickers in a twist over everything (and nothing) nowadays.

I would and should lose my teaching license if I spoke that way to a child. Totally not cool.

I totally agree. If a teacher EVER called my kid a f&*ing idiot, I'd be pushing for it.

LuckyAng

So, because children will learn cuss words anyway, their parents may as well use them with them? Really?

I know I am super late here, but I'm with you on this. I cringe when I hear this argument. Yes, kids are going to hear those words at school and out in the word. There's nothing we can do to stop that. That does not make it okay to do it at home. Again, context matters. Although I try to avoid it, my kids have heard me cuss. Last week when I broke my toe, my son overheard me swear. I have not ever cussed AT my kids though, and there is a big difference. I grew up in a home where if we heard a swear word, it was likely for some form of violence to follow. Hearing those words evoked fear. My kids have not grown up in the same kind of home I did, but my feeling is that even though they are going to hear those words in the world, they shouldn't have to hear them on a regular basis at home. Home is their sanctuary.

wineplease

Yes, kids are going to hear those words at school and out in the word. There's nothing we can do to stop that. That does not make it okay to do it at home.

I hate this argument for lots of things people say kids will do anyway. So, might as well let them do it at home? Um, no.

I have not ever cussed AT my kids though, and there is a big difference.

BIG difference. Agreed.

SoDamnHungry

Swearing around your child and swearing at your child are two different things. I think it's damaging to always be swearing at your kid. If you occasionally drop a couple of bombs when they're around and it's not at them, it's not the worst thing ever.

crista_b

Yes, kids are going to hear those words at school and out in the word. There's nothing we can do to stop that. That does not make it okay to do it at home.

I hate this argument for lots of things people say kids will do anyway. So, might as well let them do it at home? Um, no.

That's not what her argument said. It was saying that it's NOT okay to do at home just because they hear it other places.


I also want to clarify my previous statement because it could come off as "They hear it other places, let's just swear like sailors." That's not what I was trying to say. What I meant was that we shouldn't be overprotective, and if I occasionally swear in front of a teen, I shouldn't be forced to change myself just because someone else doesn't like it.

Zombella

Cursing AT a child is not the same as cursing IN FRONT OF a child. Cursing at a child, I think, is abusive. If anyone curses at me I take it as they are being aggressive. I also really don't think yelling/screaming/cursing at your child will do anything besides scare them.. and scare doesn't equal respect.

Capt_Apollo

i actually taught religion at one point, to 5th graders. they were public school kids that came for wednesday afternoon classes.

i was 17, and i had to drop the f-bomb a couple of times to strike the fear of Me into them.

wineplease

That's not what her argument said. It was saying that it's NOT okay to do at home just because they hear it other places.

I know. I was agreeing with her!