Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?

frankizoy

if your ready, your ready. if your not, your not. it's your decision. i know someone who got engaged after a month of them going out, they are married now and extremely happy they are also an older couple and one of them has adult kids from a previous marriage so i guess it is a little different.

crista_b

If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?

Not just would you want to marry him, but would you be ready to marry him.

MyOwnSunshine

A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime.

If you are unable to commit to a marriage because your family would be upset about a single day, I don't think you're quite ready.

Real life isn't Pinterest. While I think your boyfriend is on the right track, I think you're lacking in maturity and don't really understand what a lifetime commitment means.

My opinion is that you'd both better off waiting until after his first deployment to get married. Wait and see if your relationship can withstand the stress of deployment before you commit to a lifetime.

MFPRat

Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.

I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.

While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.

Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.

It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.

Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.

If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.

This is of course.. just my opinion.

But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.

Best of Luck

^^^This
Good luck with your decision
From: A military daughter, sister, ex-wife and mother

meganhardison

I met my husband in January, got engaged in April, and we were married by July. When you know, you know. On the same note, we were both in our late 20's and knew what we wanted/didn't want in a relationship. So it really depends on you and your significant other. If you are both mature and have realistic expectations and mutual goals, then why not? If you know going into it that it's gonna be hard, then you are better prepared. Also, as someone who was not familiar with military life prior to meeting my husband, I'm learning that people who don't know the military life can't really relate to you. Their responses to the challenges that you will encounter are going to come from a different place. Military life is truly a culture, so surround yourself with people who "get" it and can encourage you.

RGv2

Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.

He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.

The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.

He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.

If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.

The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.

He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.

WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.


P.S.

I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.

This is 100% spot on. He's going to Saudi, so one correction. It won't be a workout tent, he'll probably have a full out gym.

unifil

I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
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THAT!!!!]

Sekxy49

Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.

He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.

The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.

He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.

If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.

The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.

He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.

WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.


P.S.

I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.

Well said! Especially coming from someone from the military on the side so many of us only hear about. I say, wait it out....keep in touch; if it's meant to be...that's the road that will lead you to marriage!

DutchMouse

I could not agree more with Megan's post. I married my husband five weeks after we met, he deployed five weeks later. He, too, wanted to be sure I was taken care of while he was gone. No one thought we would make it. 23 years later, we're still together. Deployment does change your service member...and it will change you too. Marriage for an active duty family is challenging, but the military marriages that last are some of the strongest ones. What ever you choose, do surround yourself with people who "get" it and can encourage you. Best wishes to you both!

DalekBrittany

Christ!!! Be with him at least a year before u even talk about marriage, not 2 months!! I wouldn't, definitely not! Your still getting to know him....

lololol. My fiance and I talked about marriage the very first day we met. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. Not everyone is the same.

Nightterror218

nothing wrong with it. I have known many people to do this (i live in military town). Why postpone the inevitable? many couple get married after knowing each other a short time. Age does not matter as long as you are not right out of high school.

LookMaNoHands

I met my wife while we were both in the military and we were married after 4 months. We were married at the tender young age of 19, and were together for 7 years before she was killed on a deployment. You seem very sincere, so I am going to offer you some advice from a unique perspective.

First, do not concern yourself with how long you have known each other. That is not what matters in marriage. What matters is whether you are mature enough to make the decision to love, honor and be faithful to someone for the rest of your life.

Second, don't buy into the ridiculous notions of love that we obtain from romantic comedy movies. Erotic love is not something that just happens naturally. Lust happens naturally. Common interests sometimes happen naturally. But love is a different. It is a choice. And when you marry, you are choosing to love someone for the rest of your life. If marriage were about being "happy" or "feeling good" as the movies would have you believe, then there would be no reason to legally bind yourselves together, and to swear an oath of fidelity to each other, because you would naturally stay together and be faithful to each other as long as you are both "happy." It is the bad times, when you are angry at each other and hate each others's guts - THAT is why you take a vow. You legally bind yourself to someone and swear a vow to them because you are making a commitment to stay together even if you are NOT happy, and to work together to fix things when they go wrong, instead of selfishly pursuing your own desires.

Lastly, if you are a Christian, you should consult your spiritual leader (Pastor / Priest) in order to determine the implications of the arrangement you are considering. Most of the Protestant confessions are quite lax with regard to such things, but for Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic Christians there are some important procedures that must be observed with regard to the legal marriage in order to obtain the Church's blessing for an ecclesiastical marriage when he returns, which is what I presume you would want, based on your post.

Justme030

If you love each other and want to get married I don't see a point in postponing it. Goodluck with whatever you decide..


Lastly, if you are a Christian, you should consult your spiritual leader (Pastor / Priest) in order to determine the implications of the arrangement you are considering. Most of the Protestant confessions are quite lax with regard to such things, but for Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic Christians there are some important procedures that must be observed with regard to the legal marriage in order to obtain the Church's blessing for an ecclesiastical marriage when he returns, which is what I presume you would want, based on your post. <<this is a great thing to do!

Ashwee87

My brother-in-law and his wife did this. They met not long after he joined the Army. He proposed to her only a few months after they had been dating. They married before his first deployment at a courthouse. After he got back, they had a "real" wedding (June 2011).

He was deployed again last year at the mid of July after his daughter was born and came back this past Febuary. (Was supposed to be there until April but came home early due to his grandfather passing; who was the only father figure in his life.)

They are doing very well and have an amazing relationship. So if YOU and him both feel this is what you want, I say go for it.

luv_lea

Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.

He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.

The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.

He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.

If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.

The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.

He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.

WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.


P.S.

I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.

This is 100% spot on. He's going to Saudi, so one correction. It won't be a workout tent, he'll probably have a full out gym.

I agree with this! And noting: My agreeing with this is coming from fact I married someone 3 weeks after dating (we knew each other all through high school,) I moved half way accross the country, got set up in an apartment with nothing (base housing usually has a paperwork, waiting lists, etc.) and two days later....he was gone. For nine months. I'd like to say I have no regrets becaue within a month after him leaving I found out I was pregnant. 7 years later my son is the reason why that crazy move seemed meant to be. But if I could do it differently, I would have waited with the attitude that if it's meant to be, no amount of benefits (or lack of) and no amount of time was going to change that.

trailtripper

Sam;

It does not matter what others think, it matters what you AND your SO want.

Case in point: I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 18 in December 1971. We got married 26 July 1972. I left for the Army 29 July, 1972. Immediately after training, I went to Vietnam in December 1972. I did 21 years in the Army Infantry.

Now almost 41 years later our marriage is still very strong. We are looking forward to our first grandchild shortly. Life is really good for us. We met life’s challenges and overcame them.

So getting married young does not mean much. Getting married shortly before a deployment does not mean much. What does make it meaningful is that you are both willing to grow and change together and understand that you are both individuals who are willing to make a go at life as a team.

I do question that you are asking advice from a web site.

Look at yourself and your SO closely, ensure that this is what you really want and NEED! If it is, blow raspberries at everyone else and create your own trail.

I wish you and your SO the best of luck.

Trailtripper

shannongoneau

You are the only one who can make this decision. If your ready to get married and you think hes the one for you then why not? There are great benefits to being married to someone in the military, but those benefits mean nothing if the relationship doesn't workout when he gets back.

Lvlytxn

I was a military spouse for 12 years and survived various deployments. While the benefits are great, I don't think they are good enough reasons to get married. Deployments change people. Both you and him will experience changes, guaranteed. You have only been dating a few months. And while your relationship may seem solid, I think you still need some time to grow. Good luck in whatever you decide.

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

it's between you and him. if you need to ask for someone else's opinion to help you decide...don't do it. you're not ready.

concordancia

The only reason legal marriages exists is for the rights and responsibilities of the parties involved (ie, the benefits).

The law doesn't give a rats *kitten* about love.

However, I do agree that if you are asking for the opinions of perfect strangers on the internet, you probably have some of your own nagging doubts that you should explore.