Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?

meeper123

Deployment was the hardest part of my husband and I's marriage I have seen many many couples fall apart cheating on both sides it also they are under a lot of stress he will be worrying about you constantly not sure if 7 months is long enough to be strong enough for this

mzscottfree

I am such a romantic that I love to believe things like tis will turn out fine... In reality it usually does not. Do not fool yourself into thinking it is okay to rush into marriage for any reason other than being in love and wanting to truly be married... I married a Marine that I had known half my life right before a deployment (2 weeks before to be exact) and he left me within 3 months of returning after we had dated for 3 years prior and had been friends for close to 10 years. Do what is in your heart but keep yourself prepared and ready to handle whatever may follow... Wishing you the best!!!

shastacrystal

Not a good reason to get married at all! I say don't do it. If you had been together for years and in love for years then perhaps but not after 2 months of being with someone. Yikes.

cindiva65

Everyone is different. I dont know about the whole military side of it but my parents married after knowing each other for 3 months. They will be celebrating their 49th anniversary in July.

achantee

Speaking as a women who has been in the military for almost 11 years, deployed myself, husband deployed twice, and seen lots of families go through the exact same situation, I think it is the worst idea ever. Every situation that I have seen like this (probably over 20) has ended in divorce. It's like putting the cart before the horse. First, both of you will be different after the deployment. Its just human nature. You may grow apart, and he will likely grow closer to the people he is deployed with because of the shared environment and experience. If you two are truly meant to be, then your relationship will make it through the deployment, and after a year or so after he gets back, you should really be able to decide on whether or not you two or in it for the long run. Nothing against you or your boyfriend, but a deployment really does a toll on a relationship, especially a new one. 80 percent of the married people I deployed with (including my husband who deployed before me) cheated while away from their spouse. When you are in a terrible environment, away from all the comforts of home, the only people you feel that you can relate to at that time are right there with you. But you are grown and entitled to do whatever, so good luck with whatever decision you make. Just don't let him pressuring you be what causes you to make a decision. Do what is best for you!

tzig00

my opinion? divorced within 18 months

I was engaged in a month, married at 4 months. I am as happy as can be. (Of course we are a normal couple and fight, but our relationship and love is solid.)

However, I have seen a few of my girlfriends get married before their SO's deployment and it always ended badly :sad:

Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.

I hate to give advice either way.

I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?

Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.

I wish you all the best in your decision!!!

^This...exactly. You're one of my friends and marriage is a hard hard road. Not saying don't get married and I'm not saying you don't love each other. I'm saying think about it. Give it time and really think on it. Is it for the money or the life? Are you ok with moving every 2 years or moving to a different country? Are you ok with no being told where your husband is because you can't know? Are you up for worrying about him every second that he's gone? If it's for the money, are you ok with letting half of it go if you get a divorce? What happens if he decides he wants a divorce if you're in another country? I'm sorry but I don't think you've given it enough time.

Velum_cado

If you feel it's right, do it. Marriage means different things to different people. Having access to support and being legal next of kin are legit reasons.

Fubak

Been there, done that. Don't do it. There is SO much potential for this to turn into a nightmare for one or both of you. If you really love each other then you can wait until he returns.

niftyafterfifty

If you truly love each other and want to be together forever, I say do it. Your family might not understand, but this is your life. My parents married after dating for 3 months. They were married until my daddy's death, 54 years later. My daughter married her husband after 3 months of dating; he was in the navy. They've been married for almost 9 years and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. We were concerned because we didn't know him, but I couldn't have picked a better son-in-law if I'd tried.

JUDDDing

Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?

How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.

As a USAF veteran - I pretty much agree.

And this is KSA - not a bad deployment at all (boring and no booze - but still pretty good).

The only negative effect I had after my tour to KSA was being completely unable to handle my booze after a 6 month forced period of sobriety.

The USAF is awesome like this.

But to the OP - go with what YOU feel. I went out with my wife a couple times before I joined the service. Then we both "did our own thing" for 3 years - maybe did 5 or 6 phone calls and letters. Then we got married one time when I was home on leave. Been married 18.5 years. We might have dated a total of 10 times.

I'd probably stay off base though until he gets back - it is, IMO, easier for active duty people to deal with housing, services, etc than to try and have your new wife deal with it. Air force life is pretty easy, but it IS different than civilian life. And you'll need to get used to it - preferably while he is around to help.

TomTomato

You definitely have a range of opinions about this! I'm retired Air Force and I agree the Air Force treat their people the best. For the most part, we don't deploy to the front lines, but quite often we deployed to the same places with soldiers and marines. Many airmen were tasked to fill positons "in lieu of" the other branches.

My wife married me 4 years into my enlistment. She had lived in the same small town her whole life and never flew on a plane before she met me. I can't speak for her, but I'm sure she would tell you that military life introduced her to other cultures and experiences that she wouldn't trade. The downfall is that our kids didn't have the same friends from K-12 like we had growing up.

You have to decide for yourself, but don't make a rash decision based on money.

JUDDDing

This is 100% spot on. He's going to Saudi, so one correction. It won't be a workout tent, he'll probably have a full out gym.

Well, PSAB had a workout tent in 1996 (we were all in Harvest Falcon's).

But I think they finished the buildings by 97 or 98. And if they are anything like the rest of KSA - they are probably freaking palaces.

Dr_Flo

I've known plenty of friends that "deployed" to Saudi, Kuwait and other lands that had in-ground pools and monster PXs with BURGER KING and MC DONALDS on post ..

Bottom line...


THINK - EVALUATE - ADJUST - MOVE FORWARD!

There's my 2 cents, for what its worth

gonnamakeanewaccount

And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:

If the benefits weren't a factor, then why did you bring it up?

MelsAuntie

my opinion? divorced within 18 months

Well aren't you an optimistic little ray of sunshine. It's possible they'll be like my hubby and I, happily married for 42 years now.

Achrya

I'm not going to tell you what to do but i will say it can suck. It can be hard, and lonely, and make you furious and resentful. I was 6000 some odd miles from home when my husband left in February and there were nights i would just cry alone at home. He came home for a week in March and it only got worse from there; I'd sometimes go 3 or 4 days without seeing another person and i was angry a lot, and blamed him (childish, i know) when we talked we usually fought.


Its not so bad now; staying with my family until July, at which point we'll both head home. Less fighting, thankfully.

Maribel_1986

Don't get married until AFTER he gets back... See if you guys are still on the same page... Trust me things will change and be different. Take your time and think about this... I honestly don't think things will go well if you rush this.

weighlossforbaby

He was in the military for 2 years when we got married in 2007. He deployed to Iraq in 2009-2010. The family does get good benefits while the soldier is deployed. Do you love him? Are you ready for marriage and the military life?

SteelySunshine

Get married. It's not like if it's a mistake it can't be fixed. Yes, it might be a difficult fix, so what that's the chance you take. I think it would be worse to not get married though, when you have the incentives and time to do so. The strain of not being married could really hurt or end your relationship and you will never know if it would have worked out. Its very stressful to be "just" engaged. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if you already feel married, so no point in not making it official, just cuz people think it's too soon. I think it will be a hard lifestyle to live, it was hard on my sister. But, it really suits some couples and others not so much. It was ok for my sister in the early years it for some reason got harder at the beginning of the second decade. But a lot can happen in a decade. Like he could be doing something else in just 4 or 5 years so that deployment and things like that aren't even a issue. Whatever you decide good luck.

zornig

I've known a lot, lot, lot of people who've deployed--married and not. All of the benefits that he cites are real, and aren't something to sneeze at. Personally, I think it's ridiculous that the military continues to incentivize marriage the way they do (by paying extra, among other things). That being said, being his official next of kin matters in a deployment. As does having access to family support groups and other social benefits. I would just go into it with a realistic mindset that lots of marriages don't survive deployments, even more so than the average marriage, and even when the marriages have already been long-term and there are children involved. So if you can handle the idea that your marriage might end as soon as he gets home from his deployment, then sure, why not.