Lame Jokes. And I mean REALLY lame.

1235

Replies

  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Where do animals go when their tails fall off?


    The retail store.
  • beertrollruss
    beertrollruss Posts: 276 Member
    mojohowitz wrote: »
    A man sees a dog licking its privates and says "Man, I wish I could do that."
    His friend replies, "Maybe you should pet him first."

    This is my favorite so far.

    From Rocky, "Why do cows wear bells?" "Cause their horns don't work"

    How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away it's credit cards.

  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?


    Because the P is silent.
  • justinegibbons
    justinegibbons Posts: 918 Member
    Not gonna lie.. I laughed at a lot of these.

    Man walks in to the doctor with carrots stuck in his nose and ears. "doc, I'm not feeling well".. The doctor says "well, you're not eating right!"
  • Evenstranger
    Evenstranger Posts: 69 Member
    What did the snail say while riding on a turtle's back?

    WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


    Bison.
  • Out_of_Bubblegum
    Out_of_Bubblegum Posts: 2,220 Member
    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

    He sold his soul to Santa.
  • jessilynbraden
    jessilynbraden Posts: 16 Member
    ok.
    There were two muffin in an oven.
    One muffin turns to the other and says "Damn! It's hot in here! Are you hot too?!"

    The other muffin looks over and yells "HOLY *kitten* A TALKING MUFFIN!"
  • sljohnson1207
    sljohnson1207 Posts: 818 Member
    What do you call a pig that does karate?


    Pork Chop.
  • Evenstranger
    Evenstranger Posts: 69 Member
    edited March 2015
    A blonde goes to the doctor, and says "I hurt all over!" The doctor asks her to point out specifically where it hurts. She points to her nose and says "Ouch!" She points at her shoulder and says "Ouch!" She points at her knee and says "Ouch!" The doctor says, "I know whats wrong. Your finger's broken."
  • markiend
    markiend Posts: 461 Member
    what's grey and takes the piss ?



    a dialysis machine
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
    edited March 2015
    How do you milk an ant? First, you get a low stool. . .

    What sort of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster

    Bovine humor
    What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

    A cow with one leg? Extra lean beef

    Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster

    What are cows best subjects? Ther-moo-dynamics and Cow-culus

    Cuisinart is French for "missing fingers".

    My own creations
    Did I ever tell you about my uncle who had the rabbit farm? He always said it was a hare raising experience.

    I once tried prospecting for gold. It didn't pan out.

    I think the most dangerous job in the world is a mortician. Every day is a near death experience.
  • kab789
    kab789 Posts: 110 Member
    What did the white mouse do to the blue mouse?



    Mouse to mouse resuscitation
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
    Riffraft1960 wrote: »
    Why do elephants. . .
    Elephant jokes might need their own thread. . . maybe.

  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
    The 11 year old's favorite:

    Why are fire engines red?

    Fire engines a red because books are read too. Two times two is four. Four times three is twelve. Twelve inches make a ruler. Queen Mary was also a ruler. Queen Mary was also the name of a ship. Ships sail oceans. Oceans have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. Russians are known as 'Reds'. Fire trucks are always rushin', so that's why they're red.
  • sullus
    sullus Posts: 2,839 Member
    What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?

    The hospital bed.
  • jenieo
    jenieo Posts: 7 Member
    A 3 legged dog walks into a bar, says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w)"
  • _Terrapin_
    _Terrapin_ Posts: 4,301 Member
    What did the Buddhist order from the hot dog vendor? One. . . .with everything.
  • Nihluz
    Nihluz Posts: 1 Member
    Kid comes in arms flailing.

    Kid: Daaaad its so cold in here
    Dad: Go stand in the corner
    Kid: huh? Why?
    Dad: cause its 90 degrees!
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    personally, i like steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done
  • sullus
    sullus Posts: 2,839 Member
    Capt_Apollo wrote: »
    personally, i like steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done

    Reminds me of: Television is called a medium because it is neither rare, nor well-done.
  • chimptron
    chimptron Posts: 1,448 Member
    _Terrapin_ wrote: »
    What did the Buddhist order from the hot dog vendor? One. . . .with everything.

    There is a sequel to this joke.
    When the Buddhist paid for the hot dog with a twenty, he asked for his change, and the vendor said, " Change must come from within."
  • Sweetiepiestef
    Sweetiepiestef Posts: 343 Member
    Texasgntlman wrote: »
    How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
    Nobody knows because it's never been done

    LOL I like this one even more because a guy is telling it!

  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    To.

    To Who?

    To whom.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    How come sharks do not eat clowns?

    Because they taste funny.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    There are only two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
  • spookyface
    spookyface Posts: 420 Member
    A duck walks into a bar three days in a row and asks the bartender "you got any grapes?"
    The bartender fed up says you ask me that one more time and I'm going to nail your beak shut. Next day the duck walks in and asks," you got any nails?" Bartender says "no". Then duck says then "you got any grapes?"
  • bbqknight420
    bbqknight420 Posts: 443 Member
    Did you hear the rumor about butter?

    Never mind, I better not spread it.
  • coolraul07
    coolraul07 Posts: 1,606 Member
    Texasgntlman wrote: »
    There is a whole list of jokes about a guy with no arms and no legs: I'll start it and you can ad too it.
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of the door? -Matt
    What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the lake? -Bob
    What do you call a man with no arms and legs beside a hole in the ground? -Doug

    ...the one who's in the hole is Phil.

    ...in a pile of leaves, Russell.

    ...in the mailbox, Bill.

    ...on the wall, Art.

    ...stuck in the tub, Dwayne (drain, said with a lisp)


  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    coolraul07 wrote: »
    Texasgntlman wrote: »
    There is a whole list of jokes about a guy with no arms and no legs: I'll start it and you can ad too it.
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of the door? -Matt
    What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the lake? -Bob
    What do you call a man with no arms and legs beside a hole in the ground? -Doug

    ...the one who's in the hole is Phil.

    ...in a pile of leaves, Russell.

    ...in the mailbox, Bill.

    ...on the wall, Art.

    ...stuck in the tub, Dwayne (drain, said with a lisp)



    where do you find a man with no arms and legs?? Right where you left him.

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