My husband cheated on me...

aliciamarieUF

Hey guys. I haven't been on in a week and my fitness goals have come to a temporary stop. I was doing the stronglifts 5x5 program and trying to lose weight and tone my body. I have lost 4 pounds this past week just by not eating.

I was living in Rome with my husband of 4 years and my little sister had a stroke on October of 2014 so I hopped on a plane and came home to Miami immediately to help her recuperate. My husband came to see me for Christmas in December. He stayed until mid-January and the plan was that he would come back over the summer with his green card and start working here while I got a car and a job in order. Well we started having problems a week after he got back to Italy because he is working on a music project (he's a singer and has never worked a day in his life because his parents are old money and he can afford to sit around and work on becoming "famous"). He told me he was in the process of signing a contract with someone very important in the field. Long story short, his friend who is currently in an argument with him told me he was a liar and sent me a video and photos of an orgy they had in the apartment we shared together. They paid 4 prostitutes and tag teamed on them. Apparently, it's not the first time my husband has been seeking services from prostitutes. Who knows how many times he cheated on me while I was at work. I am in the processes of getting full on STD tests.

I feel deceived. I didn't know the man I was married to. I feel stupid for investing time and energy into marriage with a pig. Not only did he do this to a wife who adored him and would have given anything for him, but he did it to me during a time where I was at risk of losing my sister. Now I have a long and complicated international divorce in the works and I'm feeling really scared and anxious. The only bright side that is coming out of this is that I feel liberated. I was able to purchase my car a few days ago, I'm in the process of looking for work, and I intend to go to law school (I'm only 24) to study family law and hopefully help people in similar situations. I don't know how I will ever trust a man again or even have a happy marriage or form some kind of a family.

Sorry for the rant, but I know how people on these forums are very supportive. Has anyone gone through anything similar, and how did you put it behind you to continue losing weight and being the best you could be?

Thank you.

Francl27

Oh WOW I'm so sorry.

Mussronkey

I've lost family and friends. The weight loss that comes from the emotional toll would be great under different circumstances. The only way to heal is over time. That and gym, gym, and more gym. The routine of working out helps pass that time. It will get better!

louminouche

You have all the time in the world to meet someone new - do not rush into anything. Put yourself first, get in shape and do your law degree.

It is good that you found out now rather than in 10 years' time that you were wasting your time with that wretched husband of yours. Do not cry over someone who was not there for you. You would have had a miserable life with that gigolo.

Look at people's actions rather than what they say in the future. Make friends and get emotional support from your sister.

Best of luck.

Nezz123

First, you're gonna be okay! To have come through all that...you're tough as nails! And you're only going to get stronger. You're not stupid either. Life throws us all for a loop at times and the only one at fault is him. Remember that. His shortcomings and bad decisions caused this. Not yours.

It is hard to find trustworthy guys. Who we meet and what the decisions they make are largely out of our control...which makes it hard to put faith in people. But you are so on the right track. Getting a car, planning your career, taking care of your family (even when you're hurting), and attending to your health raises the odds of becoming your best self...plus other good things that come with that.

To get over hardships, I think of it as an odds game. Kind of like healthy gambling. We can't control all the variables...but every time we do cardio, lift weights, eat kale, study, and do what's good for us...it's like putting our name in the hat. We increase the chance something good will happen. And eventually it does! Look forward to the surprise, even if you don't know what it is yet .

RoxieDawn

Too personal for me...Not to be blunt (really...)

But why come to strangers in cyber space to spill your personal drama? Don't get it... must be my age

_QueenE_

Just remember that you're on this health and fitness journey for you.

scaryg53

I'm so sorry, some people don't understand what commitment or love really means. You're beautiful and strong, you will pull through, take all your time to focus on yourself, you deserve it.

lngrunert

gia07 wrote: »

Too personal for me...Not to be blunt (really...)

But why come to strangers in cyber space to spill your personal drama? Don't get it... must be my age

Not sure how old you are, but I'm 44 and I have no problem with the OP looking for support wherever she may be able to find it, to help her through what sounds like a really difficult time in her life. How nice for you that you that you have whatever support you need in your personal life that that's not the case for you. You should feel very fortunate (and perhaps work on your empathy a little in your spare time).

OP, I think you are strong and amazing for breaking things off and moving on with your life. You still have so many wonderful years ahead of you without that idiot.

amy_kee

People cheat all the time. They could care less about doing it. It's a good thing that you found out about this awful guy. You could easily get aids from his behavior and die. I know you don't want to die over him being a stupid, reprehensible person. Divorce is the best. You are young though. You will learn to be more leary of people when you learn a lot of the bad things a lot of people do,...like this. You will trust again. Sure, it will take time to trust and you might get burnt again. It's life. You just keep trying to weed through the horrible people and spend more time and be more cautious of those around you. You never know what people do when they are out of your site--even your best friends. You've just got to get over this and move on and learn from it. It's soo good you're not still with this guy. That's the best part of all. Never allow people to treat you without respect, when you know of it. Always stand up for yourself. You are stronger than you think you are.

lngrunert

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

Of course, the inevitable "Women only like jerks and never appreciate nice guys" post.

jennifershoo

OP, i just want to give you a big hug.
It's not your fault if he is a pig.

TheBeachgod

aliciamarieUF wrote: »

I don't know how I will ever trust a man again

Don't fault every guy in the world because of the actions of one.

50452

I've been through this.

You know what has to come next.

I never thought that I would ever be attracted to a man again. But that didn't happen.

Grab your best girlfriend, and go see a stand up comedy show. Throw yourself into as many projects as possible. Give yourself no time to think. Hit the gym. And then hit it again. Every day.

Here is the cold, hard fact: We pick our mates. The man we choose is our choice. I picked every jerk I ever dated. And then I picked the great one that I married.

Do what you have to do and be naive no more.

emdeesea

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

Yeah, I hate to say it but I agree with this part... It's not your fault, but no one just suddenly changes overnight. It just doesn't happen. There are always red flags that could have been seen ahead of time, but are usually ignored in the blindness of "love." And this is coming from someone who was involved in an abusive relationship where I ignored all the warning signs. At least I didn't marry or have kids with the guy though.

But on a completely separate note though - to the "nice guy" who posted this comment, pu_239 - why would you want a woman who you KNOW is mentally defective? Why would you WANT a women who continues to lead you on and put you in the friend zone? There is no such thing as a "friend zone" anyway, that's just a term people make up when they don't have the courage to just walk away from someone who isn't interested.

crazydogladyjess

lngrunert wrote: »

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

Of course, the inevitable "Women only like jerks and never appreciate nice guys" post.

Thank you! I was thinking the exact same thing when I read his post. It is so frustrating because there is no way he will get that he is not actually the victim in that situation...

And in regards to the original post here, it can be hard to trust people, because some people are selfish...but it is important to remember not everyone is. Your hubby doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him - you deserve way better. Focus on yourself, what you want, your goals, and find happiness in yourself and in your life without him. All the best on your journey!

Mr_Knight

Pu_239 wrote: »

She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her.

You will never - and I do mean never - get what you want by viewing her that way.

Women can smell that kind of condescension - yes, that's what it is - from three time zones away.

JeffS435

I hope your sister is okay now. I'm sorry about what happened, but it isn't your fault and all you can do is learn from it and move on. Don't get the attitude though that all men are like the man you married. That is not true.

stuart160

Wow! I am sorry that this happened to you but you will find a way to learn from what has happened and your decision to seek a path that helps others is admirable. No one should be lecturing you or really offering anything but understanding and support.

kbmnurse

Once a cheater always a cheater. Dump his *kitten*, move on.

Boe4Life

I have had online acquaintances who have gone through this and they use the gym as an outlet to blow off steam and they get fit and fab to show the "Butthead" what they lost. Kind of fickle but it helped them to put it behind them. It was better than turning to tubs of ice cream. This journey is about you and you being awesome. So give it all ya got and GET FABULOUS!!

emdeesea

Pu_239 wrote: »

Often times women get "confidence" and "domineering" confused. This is where a lot of issues arise i believe.

Well that's not really for you to say, is it? And the point is, it doesn't matter. If she's not interested, playing pushover and doing nice things for her is not going to make her come around. Women are not like vending machines, where you do nice things for her and she gives you sex in return. In a lot of "nice guy" cases, 'niceness' tends to go along with insecurity, lack of assertiveness, and manipulative behavior.

You know what women do appreciate? SELF-confidence. And in your case, the self-confidence to walk away from her. Because being a pushover puppy dog hoping for any scrap of attention is definitely not attractive.

Sorry... didn't mean to derail the original topic.

dinobomp

I was very unhappy for most of my 38 year marriage. I stayed because of the commitment I made, trying to be a "good wife". He never paid any attention to me, never hugged or kissed me (the last ten years) but said he wanted to stay married. Then I got sick, was in and out of the hospital, and he had to help care for me at home. After I got some better, (but was still disabled), he said he wanted a divorce. He said he hadn't loved me for a long time, and I found out he was interested in someone else. Long story short, you are better off with it happening sooner rather than later! My life has been "wasted" on someone who gave me no love, and now I'm so old I feel I will never find love again. It's good the truth came out, you need to focus on doing things for YOU, and the rest will fall into place...it may be awhile before you find a soul mate, but next time be sure of the kind of man he is before committing. I wish I had taken more time to find someone really special; I wanted to get married and have babies. So I grabbed the first decent guy I found. Wrong choice! I would give everything I own to be able to do it over. Unfortunately, we don't get that opportunity at age 60. It's not too late for you, go to law school, and you will meet someone wonderful. Just make sure he cherishes every thing about you, and he puts you before himself. Best of luck to you!

HeySwoleSister

The amount of "blame the victim" in this thread makes me want to puke.

So, her partner is a douche...and it's her fault for being "fooled" by him, or for looking for support wherever she can find it?

OK..

Good lord. People are *kitten*.

Cortneyrenee04

I just went through a complicated break up (not like yours...) and I do agree about focusing on yourself right now. I worry about being attracted to someone new and trusting someone new, but hopefully that just comes with time.

Good luck to you during this rough time.

Shy_Yogi

Just think how much stronger you'll be for this. Maybe this was the thing you needed to fuel your path to school and helping others. It sure sounds like it to me.

I'm sorry you went through it....we've all got war stories. It hurts, it sucks, but maybe it was meant to be. If you believe in God or destiny, then maybe this was planned for you.

Chin up - it already sounds like you've grown from it. Someday it will be a memory. *hugs* Good luck to you!

__Roxy__

I went through divorce at the same age as you, and it was tough. I believed with every fiber of my being that I was going to be with my husband forever. These kinds of things have a way of changing you, deeply - that nothing will ever be a "sure thing" again -- and guess what?? That's actually REALLY amazing, and healthy. I have met an amazing man now, and he shows me over and over again with both actions and words, that he has a true, pure heart. BUT, with my understanding now of no sure things, it actually helps me love him MORE during the time we have together, because weather it be circumstance, death or divorce, nothing lasts forever.

As time passes and you heal, you can grow from this. You know what it's like to be married, to live abroad, to go through family emergencies... to have your heart broken. You are experiencing life in all it's sorrow right now, and trust me... it gets better. There is a saying that through suffering comes wisdom and compassion. You will know yourself better after all this is over. It might take years, but you will grow

My mom (now passed), once told me that "The best revenge is living well"... and so, I put my effort into living the happiest, healthiest, most adventurous life I could muster. Work to be truly at peace - you can come out of this whole.

PrizePopple

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

Typically I don't condone violence, but if someone were to put a wooden chair into your face I can't say I would complain.

Honestly, walk a mile in a woman's shoes. You can borrow mine from the time period when I was in an abusive marriage. It's really easy to sit back and judge, but the view from inside is far different, and I assure you that you likely don't want to see it either.


OP: You sound like a tough chick with a plan. You'll be fine. One day a guy may come along that changes how you feel, but for now focus on you and your family. *hugs*

Triplestep

gia07 wrote: »

Too personal for me...Not to be blunt (really...)

But why come to strangers in cyber space to spill your personal drama? Don't get it... must be my age

Why did you even bother to take the time to write this?

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

Believe it or not, people get blindsided this way all the time. No reason to blame the victim. As for the rest of your post I stopped reading as soon as it went off-topic.

To the OP: So sorry you're having to go through all of this; it's natural to feel shame but you did nothing wrong. Try to keep up your exercise routine to keep healthy and stave off the negative thoughts, but go easy on yourself in other respects. You've got a lot going on, and you're pretty young to be experiencing all of this.

asha8907

I was cheated on as well. This is your time to find yourself again. Learn who you are, what you stand for, and what you expect out of a future relationship. Cling to good friends and family because after all of it, they will still be there for you. I hope your sister is doing well. Feel free to add me as a friend! Good luck, you have a bright future ahead of you.

flabassmcgee

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

I haven't read other posts after this one, so forgive me if this was already said: WOMEN ARE NOT DEVICES TO PUT FRIENDSHIP COINS IN UNTIL SEX FALLS OUT. WOMEN DO NOT OWE YOU *kitten*. THE GIRL DOESN'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY, TOUGH T*TS. STOP TAKING OUT YOUR SEXUAL FRUSTRATION ON WOMEN SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET ONE.

Good god, please let this guy be a troll. Otherwise I smell fedoras and neck beard a mile away.