My husband cheated on me...

aliciamarieUF · March 2015

Hey guys. I haven't been on in a week and my fitness goals have come to a temporary stop. I was doing the stronglifts 5x5 program and trying to lose weight and tone my body. I have lost 4 pounds this past week just by not eating.

I was living in Rome with my husband of 4 years and my little sister had a stroke on October of 2014 so I hopped on a plane and came home to Miami immediately to help her recuperate. My husband came to see me for Christmas in December. He stayed until mid-January and the plan was that he would come back over the summer with his green card and start working here while I got a car and a job in order. Well we started having problems a week after he got back to Italy because he is working on a music project (he's a singer and has never worked a day in his life because his parents are old money and he can afford to sit around and work on becoming "famous"). He told me he was in the process of signing a contract with someone very important in the field. Long story short, his friend who is currently in an argument with him told me he was a liar and sent me a video and photos of an orgy they had in the apartment we shared together. They paid 4 prostitutes and tag teamed on them. Apparently, it's not the first time my husband has been seeking services from prostitutes. Who knows how many times he cheated on me while I was at work. I am in the processes of getting full on STD tests.

I feel deceived. I didn't know the man I was married to. I feel stupid for investing time and energy into marriage with a pig. Not only did he do this to a wife who adored him and would have given anything for him, but he did it to me during a time where I was at risk of losing my sister. Now I have a long and complicated international divorce in the works and I'm feeling really scared and anxious. The only bright side that is coming out of this is that I feel liberated. I was able to purchase my car a few days ago, I'm in the process of looking for work, and I intend to go to law school (I'm only 24) to study family law and hopefully help people in similar situations. I don't know how I will ever trust a man again or even have a happy marriage or form some kind of a family.

Sorry for the rant, but I know how people on these forums are very supportive. Has anyone gone through anything similar, and how did you put it behind you to continue losing weight and being the best you could be?

Thank you.

Francl27 · March 2015

Oh WOW I'm so sorry.

Mussronkey · March 2015

I've lost family and friends. The weight loss that comes from the emotional toll would be great under different circumstances. The only way to heal is over time. That and gym, gym, and more gym. The routine of working out helps pass that time. It will get better!

louminouche · March 2015

You have all the time in the world to meet someone new - do not rush into anything. Put yourself first, get in shape and do your law degree.

It is good that you found out now rather than in 10 years' time that you were wasting your time with that wretched husband of yours. Do not cry over someone who was not there for you. You would have had a miserable life with that gigolo.

Look at people's actions rather than what they say in the future. Make friends and get emotional support from your sister.

Best of luck.

Nezz123 · March 2015

First, you're gonna be okay! To have come through all that...you're tough as nails! And you're only going to get stronger. You're not stupid either. Life throws us all for a loop at times and the only one at fault is him. Remember that. His shortcomings and bad decisions caused this. Not yours.

It is hard to find trustworthy guys. Who we meet and what the decisions they make are largely out of our control...which makes it hard to put faith in people. But you are so on the right track. Getting a car, planning your career, taking care of your family (even when you're hurting), and attending to your health raises the odds of becoming your best self...plus other good things that come with that.

To get over hardships, I think of it as an odds game. Kind of like healthy gambling. We can't control all the variables...but every time we do cardio, lift weights, eat kale, study, and do what's good for us...it's like putting our name in the hat. We increase the chance something good will happen. And eventually it does! Look forward to the surprise, even if you don't know what it is yet

.

RoxieDawn · March 2015

Too personal for me...Not to be blunt (really...)

But why come to strangers in cyber space to spill your personal drama? Don't get it... must be my age

_QueenE_ · March 2015

Just remember that you're on this health and fitness journey for you.

scaryg53 · March 2015

I'm so sorry, some people don't understand what commitment or love really means. You're beautiful and strong, you will pull through, take all your time to focus on yourself, you deserve it.

lngrunert · March 2015

gia07 wrote: »

Too personal for me...Not to be blunt (really...)

But why come to strangers in cyber space to spill your personal drama? Don't get it... must be my age

Not sure how old you are, but I'm 44 and I have no problem with the OP looking for support wherever she may be able to find it, to help her through what sounds like a really difficult time in her life. How nice for you that you that you have whatever support you need in your personal life that that's not the case for you. You should feel very fortunate (and perhaps work on your empathy a little in your spare time).

OP, I think you are strong and amazing for breaking things off and moving on with your life. You still have so many wonderful years ahead of you without that idiot.

amy_kee · March 2015

People cheat all the time. They could care less about doing it. It's a good thing that you found out about this awful guy. You could easily get aids from his behavior and die. I know you don't want to die over him being a stupid, reprehensible person. Divorce is the best. You are young though. You will learn to be more leary of people when you learn a lot of the bad things a lot of people do,...like this. You will trust again. Sure, it will take time to trust and you might get burnt again. It's life. You just keep trying to weed through the horrible people and spend more time and be more cautious of those around you. You never know what people do when they are out of your site--even your best friends. You've just got to get over this and move on and learn from it. It's soo good you're not still with this guy. That's the best part of all. Never allow people to treat you without respect, when you know of it. Always stand up for yourself. You are stronger than you think you are.

lngrunert · March 2015

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

Of course, the inevitable "Women only like jerks and never appreciate nice guys" post.

jennifershoo · March 2015

OP, i just want to give you a big hug.
It's not your fault if he is a pig.

TheBeachgod · March 2015

aliciamarieUF wrote: »

I don't know how I will ever trust a man again

Don't fault every guy in the world because of the actions of one.

50452 · March 2015

I've been through this.

You know what has to come next.

I never thought that I would ever be attracted to a man again. But that didn't happen.

Grab your best girlfriend, and go see a stand up comedy show. Throw yourself into as many projects as possible. Give yourself no time to think. Hit the gym. And then hit it again. Every day.

Here is the cold, hard fact: We pick our mates. The man we choose is our choice. I picked every jerk I ever dated. And then I picked the great one that I married.

Do what you have to do and be naive no more.

emdeesea · March 2015

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

Yeah, I hate to say it but I agree with this part... It's not your fault, but no one just suddenly changes overnight. It just doesn't happen. There are always red flags that could have been seen ahead of time, but are usually ignored in the blindness of "love." And this is coming from someone who was involved in an abusive relationship where I ignored all the warning signs. At least I didn't marry or have kids with the guy though.

But on a completely separate note though - to the "nice guy" who posted this comment, pu_239 - why would you want a woman who you KNOW is mentally defective? Why would you WANT a women who continues to lead you on and put you in the friend zone? There is no such thing as a "friend zone" anyway, that's just a term people make up when they don't have the courage to just walk away from someone who isn't interested.

crazydogladyjess · March 2015

lngrunert wrote: »

Pu_239 wrote: »

Sad thing is... you probably saw this coming from a mile away and did nothing about it. I bet you felt something wasn't right before you guys even got married.

You can't just close up and say "how can i trust any man again?" truth is for me... there was this girl i liked a lot, i treated her well, her ex cheated on her coutnless times, treated her bad, verbally and mentally abusive. This girl and i got along great, i looked for more than a friendship. She would give me excuses, "I am not ready, idk what i want" then a month later she got with some other guy. Really upset me. Guess what? they got in to a fight and they broke up, she was upset about it. She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her. I tried again, things, but she still wasn't interested, she lead me on a bit this time.

She tells me things like what you said, "how can i trust guys now?" I told her many times, you have to open up and trust, if you don't you're just going to shrivel up and die alone. Sure maybe a guy might come, may not work out, then another may not work out. But if you trust, there will be a guy who appreciates it and gives you what you want.

I also told her many times, "a guy has a tendency to bs, and make himself greater than what he really is at first." It's kind of understandable, you're trying to win someone over. But the guys who are real, who are genuine. Don't do that, then they don't fit the womens ideal, "the knight in shining armor" and she fells for someone who is lying and bsing her.

Of course, the inevitable "Women only like jerks and never appreciate nice guys" post.

Thank you! I was thinking the exact same thing when I read his post. It is so frustrating because there is no way he will get that he is not actually the victim in that situation...

And in regards to the original post here, it can be hard to trust people, because some people are selfish...but it is important to remember not everyone is. Your hubby doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him - you deserve way better. Focus on yourself, what you want, your goals, and find happiness in yourself and in your life without him. All the best on your journey!

Mr_Knight · March 2015

Pu_239 wrote: »

She's different, she has ADHD and not many people understand her. I honestly can't see any other guy putting up with her and being able to handle her.

You will never - and I do mean never - get what you want by viewing her that way.

Women can smell that kind of condescension - yes, that's what it is - from three time zones away.

JeffS435 · March 2015

I hope your sister is okay now. I'm sorry about what happened, but it isn't your fault and all you can do is learn from it and move on. Don't get the attitude though that all men are like the man you married. That is not true.

stuart160 · March 2015

Wow! I am sorry that this happened to you but you will find a way to learn from what has happened and your decision to seek a path that helps others is admirable. No one should be lecturing you or really offering anything but understanding and support.

kbmnurse · March 2015

Once a cheater always a cheater. Dump his *kitten*, move on.

Boe4Life · March 2015

I have had online acquaintances who have gone through this and they use the gym as an outlet to blow off steam and they get fit and fab to show the "Butthead" what they lost. Kind of fickle but it helped them to put it behind them. It was better than turning to tubs of ice cream. This journey is about you and you being awesome. So give it all ya got and GET FABULOUS!!

My husband cheated on me...

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