Absence Before Marriage

Sarahonly

This thread O_o

Men and women are equal sexually. It is not up to anyone to dictate who are "sluts" and who aren't.
Worth isn't determined by how many people you've been with.
You are NOT used goods because you've had sex with 1 or 50 people.
There IS a double standard that is harsher on women than men in this regard. Look at the history- when women were considered soiled for having sex with someone who wasn't her husband. Daughters sold to their husbands, into marriages they don't want to enter. It all stems from old patriarchal society. It's outdated, and I can't believe some of the stuff I read about this topic online.

No one is saying it's bad to be a virgin. It's not bad to be either. But non-virgins have been shamed for centuries. It's time to stop.

Religion can be used as YOUR OWN moral reason for your decision if that's what you want. But forcing that negative name on people who choose otherwise is like telling gay people they can't get married because the bible said so. Not everyone agrees with the bible or your beliefs. That's why they're yours.

lovingangel4uau

If that's how you feel go with it. The guy you want will respect your judgement and go with it also for love of you. Your worth waiting for and he will know it.

I think sometimes feelings get a bit all mixed between sex, lust and love. You can have them all for the right reason just sometimes it can confuse some people. This is one way to sort that out.

Another thing to keep in mind. If you just did it because it is expected or some other reason than you really want to... It will make you unhappy, once its done its done cant go back if its that important to you stick to your guns.x

emergencytennis

What if you got married and then realized you are not sexually compatible???
I would not want to put myself in that position! I am not going to tell anyone else what to do though.

Not to pick you out personally, but to use your point as it has been echoed many times in this thread.

Are married couples incapable of growth and change?
If they're not so hot the first night, week, month then their fate is set in stone?
They can't learn what their spouse enjoys and work to change and please them?
I believe you can be with someone for years and think you know all about them only to discover new, deeper facets of their personality.
And we change as we grow older and (hopefully) more mature.
What if someone is great in bed while you're dating/ engaged and then becomes a dud after you're married?

None of your arguments are wrong. There is no reason why a healthy, loving couple cannot find satisfaction, whether or not they had sex before they were married. Neither is there any reason to ostracise a person for having any number of sexual partners.

operation_cute

I believe it is admirable to be " pure" going into marriage ....today's world puts a lot of pressure on people to be sexy and condone multiple partners prior to marriage . Honeslty it is a bit awkward to share partners with your soon to be hubby ....so even to save a little face , its beneficial ! It is all your choice , in my opinion it is something to be PROUD of , something you will look back on and most likely NOT regret I preach this to my teen daughters all the time !! Your body is a temple , treat it as one , people who want to pass you up because your not open to the public ...so be it, your temple is open to VIP ONLY I say kudos to those who have the will to wait !!! I totally RESPECT that in a person ...love yourself enough to not have to put yourself aside for another's benefit , love is never one sided ....it is a PARTNERSHIP , always give one what they give you ....in simple terms ....you offering a purity, to someone who can only offer sex, is like diamonds and Cubi zirconia , they are both really nice but one is WAAAAAY more valuable !!

^ ^ This! Ignore 90% of the comments on here, the right person will wait with you, regardless of what everyone on here would personally do for themselves, doesn't mean you should feel pressured to do the same. I honestly didn't wait, (maybe I should have) but if I were to start dating someone who wanted to wait, I would most definitely wait with them, If I felt they were someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The right person WILL wait with you, and will not make insulting comments about you wanting to wait... Your going to find there are many types of people in the world... many with not so great personalities, discouraging outlooks on life, and judgemental attitudes... It will reflect them, not your choice.

emergencytennis

I believe it is admirable to be " pure" going into marriage ....today's world puts a lot of pressure on people to be sexy and condone multiple partners prior to marriage . Honeslty it is a bit awkward to share partners with your soon to be hubby ....so even to save a little face , its beneficial ! It is all your choice , in my opinion it is something to be PROUD of , something you will look back on and most likely NOT regret I preach this to my teen daughters all the time !! Your body is a temple , treat it as one , people who want to pass you up because your not open to the public ...so be it, your temple is open to VIP ONLY I say kudos to those who have the will to wait !!! I totally RESPECT that in a person ...love yourself enough to not have to put yourself aside for another's benefit , love is never one sided ....it is a PARTNERSHIP , always give one what they give you ....in simple terms ....you offering a purity, to someone who can only offer sex, is like diamonds and Cubi zirconia , they are both really nice but one is WAAAAAY more valuable !!

^ ^ This! Ignore 90% of the comments on here, the right person will wait with you, regardless of what everyone on here would personally do for themselves, doesn't mean you should feel pressured to do the same. I honestly didn't wait, (maybe I should have) but if I were to start dating someone who wanted to wait, I would most definitely wait with them, If I felt they were someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The right person WILL wait with you, and will not make insulting comments about you wanting to wait... Your going to find there are many types of people in the world... many with not so great personalities, discouraging outlooks on life, and judgemental attitudes... It will reflect them, not your choice.

That's right, all you young women out there, your maidenhead is a gift to be bestowed blah blah blah oh god I just woke up and it is not the Middle Ages any more!!!

Americans have more in common with the Taliban than they care to admit.

mlcantwell

What if you got married and then realized you are not sexually compatible???
I would not want to put myself in that position! I am not going to tell anyone else what to do though.

Not to pick you out personally, but to use your point as it has been echoed many times in this thread.

Are married couples incapable of growth and change?
If they're not so hot the first night, week, month then their fate is set in stone?
They can't learn what their spouse enjoys and work to change and please them?
I believe you can be with someone for years and think you know all about them only to discover new, deeper facets of their personality.
And we change as we grow older and (hopefully) more mature.
What if someone is great in bed while you're dating/ engaged and then becomes a dud after you're married?

People can grow together or apart emotionally and sexually, but getting married before you even know if you are sexually compatible could mean a whole lot of messy divorce proceedings or a sad sexless marriage that could of been avoided. Although some people are in sexless marriages or are non monogamous, which is fine if the couple is happy together.

I'm not saying it's a bad decision to wait till marriage, just pointing out it may not be the best idea for everyone.

JenAndSome

Yes, I read the whole thing. You said that you don't care if I have a slutty reputation.

That assumes there is such a thing as a slutty reputation for you to disregard.

My contention is that there is no such thing as a slut or a bad reputation. The idea that women should be classified according to their sexual activity is repugnant.

Uhhh...your contention is stupid. It aims to change the voiced opinion of much of the world. Good luck with that.

Not that I disagree with what you're saying...but all the same, good luck with that. As long as you're at it, you should campaign for men not being called slutty for being, you know, slutty. Just to keep things totally equal and non-offensive.

I'm with the Dutchman on this one.
Once a woman sleeps with a man (not her husband), her reputation is open for discussion whether she likes it or not.
She doesn't have a say if she is now referred to as "slutty".
All the "enlightened" thinking and "advances in equality" etc. will not change this.
The only way to prevent this deragatory label is to not sleep with him in the first place.

So, to clarify, according to you a girl who sleeps with even one person without being married she is a slut ?
I was called a slut (among other things) before I ever slept with anyone. I guess I got so used to it that it didn't really matter to me when I lost my virginity what people would say if they knew. I'm not saying that being called a slut caused me to act any certain way, but it definitely desensitized me to what others thought and the way I treated myself. A person's reputation isn't always what others say.

witchy_wife

It's not really none of my business what other people do, I guess I don't feel that strongly one way or the other.

Personally, both my boys were born before I was married. Was lovely to have them at the wedding.

Me and hubby had both had previous sexual relationships, but if he'd been a virgin and told me he felt strongly about wanting to wait, I'd have gone along with it for him. It would have been hard but I'd have managed, would have been a shame to have missed the years of lovely sex though lol.

erickirb

I always like to test drive a car before buying it.

MaydayParadeGirl

Yes, I read the whole thing. You said that you don't care if I have a slutty reputation.

That assumes there is such a thing as a slutty reputation for you to disregard.

My contention is that there is no such thing as a slut or a bad reputation. The idea that women should be classified according to their sexual activity is repugnant.

Uhhh...your contention is stupid. It aims to change the voiced opinion of much of the world. Good luck with that.

Not that I disagree with what you're saying...but all the same, good luck with that. As long as you're at it, you should campaign for men not being called slutty for being, you know, slutty. Just to keep things totally equal and non-offensive.

The idea that men should be classified according to their sexual activity is equally repugnant. Women suffer such classification disproportionally, I reckon. No data to offer, though.

I'm saying that there is a stigma out there that people are slutty I'm not saying that I'm running around saying that they're slutty. I don't say that because it's wrong to assume anything of anyone. I don't think anyone deserves to be called a slut, be it a guy or a girl, because they decide they want to have sex. people have clearly stated that it's a natural sex drive, some people just have more of it than others and as long as they aren't harming anyone else why should they be labeled as something. They're just expressing themselves. You just WANT me to be a slut shamer so you can feel better about the fact that you don't agree with how I look at virginity and saving myself.

soldier4242

I also want to point out that abstinence is the only 100% protection against STDs, not just pregnancy. You sleep with everyone your partner slept with and vice versa. Abstinence protects the marriage bed.

I literally want to hug you right now LITERALLY!Q

And staying home is the safest form of transportation.

Mustang_Susie

Yes, I read the whole thing. You said that you don't care if I have a slutty reputation.

That assumes there is such a thing as a slutty reputation for you to disregard.

My contention is that there is no such thing as a slut or a bad reputation. The idea that women should be classified according to their sexual activity is repugnant.

Uhhh...your contention is stupid. It aims to change the voiced opinion of much of the world. Good luck with that.

Not that I disagree with what you're saying...but all the same, good luck with that. As long as you're at it, you should campaign for men not being called slutty for being, you know, slutty. Just to keep things totally equal and non-offensive.

I'm with the Dutchman on this one.
Once a woman sleeps with a man (not her husband), her reputation is open for discussion whether she likes it or not.
She doesn't have a say if she is now referred to as "slutty".
All the "enlightened" thinking and "advances in equality" etc. will not change this.
The only way to prevent this deragatory label is to not sleep with him in the first place.

So, to clarify, according to you a girl who sleeps with even one person without being married she is a slut ?
I was called a slut (among other things) before I ever slept with anyone. I guess I got so used to it that it didn't really matter to me when I lost my virginity what people would say if they knew. I'm not saying that being called a slut caused me to act any certain way, but it definitely desensitized me to what others thought and the way I treated myself. A person's reputation isn't always what others say.

Reputation by definition is what someone else judges you to be, whether or not it be fair or accurate.
In a way you substantiated my point.
You were called a slut before you even slept with someone.
My point was that a guy may start spreading rumors and a bad reputation about you whether you thought you were acting like a slut or not.
I'm not saying it's fair, right or "modern" thinking.
I'm just saying it still exists.

emergencytennis

Yes, mayday, there is a stigma out there associated with people who are "slutty". I leave it to you to decide whether or not you are contributing to it. I hope we are misunderstanding each other.

xvxCelticWandererxvx

Read this thread topic title and thought ... absence usually happens after marriage :laugh:

msaprilm1

I slept with my husband on our first date (oh my what a dirty slut I am) - We are happy, healthy and very honest with each other. I am glad I had experience and even more so that he did, he knows how to make this kitty purrrr.
We are all different, and thankfully so! What a boring message board this would be if we all had the same opinion and the same beliefs...... Carry on

saxmaniac

I don't understand abstinence at all, your virginity isn't a gift to give someone, it was treasured before because back then there was no DNA tests and wealthy men wanted to insure that the son that will inherit his wealth is ACTUALLY his.

While true, it's not the only or most important reason. How did it become commonplace, since most people aren't rich? Most people are dirt ****ing poor and don't have estates to bequeath.

The basic question of paternal certainty has FAR more applications than just "inheritance to sons". You build societies out that.

A regular, non-wealthy man would have no evidence that his children were his. Baby comes out: who's the father? And not just the father - *nobody* knows at all. Chastity is the obsolete way of figuring out paternity, which is THE way to ensure men invest in children, and don't just waltz off saying "HA HA NOT MINE!".

As for religion, well, that's just a better way to get people to follow the rules. Getting people to police themselves out of morality, is a lot more efficient than just rule of law and threat punishment (I mean, that's the whole divide between OT and NT). It's just rules with a different enforcement mechanism.

Like I said, it's obsolete now. It will take time to undo the social structures built up over thousands of years, suddenly made obsolete by technology. It will happen no matter what... why fight it? I'm positive for the future. Slutwalks and sexy time for everyone!!

emergencytennis

I wish to put on record how much I abhor the word "slut". I put it right up there with the c word and I am concerned by the fact that this site just slides it by. They are both as sexist a word as there can be,

Sqeekyjojo

Yes, I read the whole thing. You said that you don't care if I have a slutty reputation.

That assumes there is such a thing as a slutty reputation for you to disregard.

My contention is that there is no such thing as a slut or a bad reputation. The idea that women should be classified according to their sexual activity is repugnant.

Uhhh...your contention is stupid. It aims to change the voiced opinion of much of the world. Good luck with that.

Not that I disagree with what you're saying...but all the same, good luck with that. As long as you're at it, you should campaign for men not being called slutty for being, you know, slutty. Just to keep things totally equal and non-offensive.

I'm with the Dutchman on this one.
Once a woman sleeps with a man (not her husband), her reputation is open for discussion whether she likes it or not.
She doesn't have a say if she is now referred to as "slutty".
All the "enlightened" thinking and "advances in equality" etc. will not change this.
The only way to prevent this deragatory label is to not sleep with him in the first place.

NOTHING is up for discussion. Reputation is a ridiculous concept, harking back to the sale of women. And it is no more your business what another woman does than it would be for me to discuss whether you lie there silently praying it's over soon, whether your husband was happy to not sleep with you before marriage because he's actually so far into the closet he can't see daylight or whether you are so happy about your sex life that you could produce a religious video about why your god wants every woman to have an orgasm every time, proven by cunnilingus being invented by him and penises being 'intelligently designed' to fit mouths as well as vaginas.

wineplease

God, mustang, what are you saying? The only person who has any say regarding a woman's sex life is the lady herself.
Anyone who says differently is a sexist sob.What century are we in, again?

You and I are reading her comments, yet comprehending very differently. Her point was about reputations people can get. People get reputations based on sexual activity all the time. GASP. Yes, even in this century. Where have YOU been?

kiern18

I see nothing wrong with waiting until marriage. If you really love someone with all of your heart, you shouldn't have a problem with respecting their wishes. Marriage is so much more than sex and so is a relationship. Sex doesn't always bring people closer and you don't need it in a relationship to work.